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Cosmos (Outer Space) Part 5



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Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:52 pm
ZannaShepherd says...



We have our minutes cut~

I stood, breathing hard outside of the building from which I’d just escaped. Shoving my hands against my ears, I clenched my eyes shut, and breathed through my mouth, trying my best to block out the confusing sights, sounds and horrible smells that surrounded me.

Why, of all the places we could’ve crashed on, did it have to be here? Earth, an unenlightened, self destructing bomb. I took a deep breath, and tried not to choke as the filthy air entered my lungs.

“Key?” I looked up; Lion’s muffled voice filtering through my hands, and found him standing next to me.

“Key, we should get back. Now’s not the time to be freaking out. Who needs us.” Lion held out his hand, and gave me a sympathetic smile. How was it possible that he could be so calm right now? Our world was in chaos and he was still able to smile. That was just a small hint at the strength he possessed, I guess.

Nodding, I reluctantly removed my hands from my ears, and placed them in Lion’s. Together, we headed back in the direction of the Hospital. A place, Lion had explained to us, where people who needed healing went.

I only vaguely remembered the history lesson on Earth and the week we’d taken studying it. Lion on the other hand, seemed to know a great deal, and I was glad he was the adult and not the other way around.

From the parts that I could remember, I knew that Earth was an ignorant planet. A term used for planets that did not know that they weren’t alone. I remembered that part because I’d always wondered how anyone could possibly think that out of all the planets in all of the galaxies that only one would have life on it.

I also remembered Lion telling us that the majority of their planet was covered in water, and that most of it was filled with salt. He’d gone on to mention that the indigenous population, called humans, were very destructive of their planet, and that if they kept going at their current pace, Earth would cease to be able to harbor life. Humans would become extinct.

Letting Lion lead me through the winding corridors of the strange, sterile smelling building that was crawling with germs and bacteria; we finally came to a door with the number 205 on it, and entered.

The room was small and contained a strange looking bed, surrounded by cheap, flimsy looking instruments that were all either making some annoying sound, or flashing stupid lights and were somehow or another connected to the occupant of the bed. Who.

I had to admit, he looked much better than he had a couple hours ago. Whether it was due to the care he’d received here or the lapse of time, I wasn’t sure. I was just glad that my leg had healed enough for me to walk by the time we’d reached the hospital, and that I wasn’t laying in a bed hooked up to a bunch of wires like some scientific experiment.

The healers, or Doctors as I guess they were called, told us Who was going to be fine.
Crossing the room where Pixie and Chess sat, I lowered myself onto a piece of plastic that was supposed to serve as a chair. Humans really were lagging on the evolutionary side of things.

Glancing to my left, I found Pixie and Chess staring dazedly into space. They must be so tired. Poor Chess had had to carry my dead weight most of the way through the forest, while Pixie roughed it out, and she and Lion carried Who the whole way. When we’d exited the forest and entered into the city, Lion only had to take one look to know where we were.
While we rested at the edge of the forest, Lion tried to come up with a plan, and a feasible excuse for what had happened to us. Although we looked similar to the humanoids that lived on this planet, we were vastly different. Our bodies healed much faster for one thing, and once we were in the hospital it would only be a matter of time before the humans realized this.

Lions plan was to get Who to the Doctors, have them diagnose what was wrong with him and get him on the path to healing, then his body would do the rest. After the Doctors were done, it was crucial that we leave before they suspected anything, and that could be difficult.

Our alias that Lion came up with was that we’d been on a road trip and gotten into an accident. The vehicle we’d been in had gone over the side of a cliff, and it was lucky any of us had survived.

After we figured out that much, we made our way to the road, if that’s what you could call it. Just a simple layer of rock, with painted lines on it. Very primitive. We didn’t have to wait very long before a very small land-craft, or vehicle, as the humans called it, whizzed by. It slowed and then stopped, not far from where we stood. A man, probably in his early thirties got out, and rushed over to us. He’d seen Who, who was lying still unconscious on the piece of fabric, and wondered if we were alright.

Lion told him our lie, and to my surprise he’d actually believed it. He helped us load Who into the back seat of his truck, and Pixie and I crammed in next to him to keep him stable. Lion and Chess piled into the front seat, and Ralph, as he’d introduced himself, had been more than willing to take us to the nearest hospital. He’d given Lion a funny look, when he in turn introduced us, but hadn’t elaborated.

The chaos that ensued once we reached the hospital had been a nightmare. Questions, paperwork, doctors, needles, blood, pain, suffering, death. It all bombarded my senses, wreaking havoc on my nerves.

After everything slightly wound down, and Who’s condition was stable, I was finally able to calm down a little. The doctors examined Who, and told us there was nothing seriously wrong with him. Just the bruising and lacerations, that were already almost gone. When Lion asked about his legs, the Doctors looked blankly at him.

They then wondered how long Lion had been with Who. All of us then listened in horror as the Doctors explained that Who was paralyzed from the waist down, but it was nothing new. The damage to his spinal cord had occurred several years ago, judging by the scar tissue.

Lion recovered his senses the quickest, realizing that Who’s body had healed him as fast and well as it could, and covered up. Saying that he’d only wondered if they’d been damaged worse in this accident.

The doctors told him no and that Who would be fine. They wanted to keep him over night, but we were free to leave in the morning, solving the solution of our escape.

We all stayed by Who’s side, still trying to process the fact that Who would never walk again.

While we waited for Who to come around, Lion halfheartedly quizzed all of us on what we remembered from our lesson on Earth. With our minds, already overloaded with worry for Who, we sounded like a group of lazy students, who hadn’t paid attention in class. We were hardly able to come up with anything.

Lion then refreshed our memories as best he could. I ignored most of what he was saying, but when he got to the part about how the humans were destroying their world, and in turn destroying themselves, I paid attention. He explained that the atmosphere of earth, and the air we were currently breathing was not clean like on our planet. It was full of slow killing poisons the humans had contaminated it with, that considerably shortened their life spans.

Human lives tended to be less than half the length of ours, and in turn they aged much quicker. Lion, who on our planet at the age of eighty-three was relatively young, resembled a human at least thirty years younger. Where on our planet he could’ve easily reached two hundred, a human was lucky to reach one hundred.

My breath caught in my throat, as Lion continued. The longer we stayed on this planet, the more it would affect us, and the shorter our lives would become.

As the realization of what Lion said hit me, I lost it. Not having any plan, I took off, only getting as far as the outside of the Hospital.

Now sitting back with everyone else, I felt trapped, confined. Like I desperately needed to reach something, and no matter how fast I ran I could never catch it. There was no way to sugar coat it, our situation was dire, and when you got down to it only one fact remained. If we couldn’t find a way to get back home soon, our life spans had just been cut in half.
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:40 am
Apple says...



Apple here, howdy!

Wow, that was very interesting. It had me on the edge of my seat from the moment I began reading. Your characters have definitely progressed and the fundemental ideas in which your story is crossing over is getting better and better. I really feel excited about this story now. I'm just going to point out that you're my first review for review day. I had done one ealier on but I finished much to early. That's pretty sucky if you ask me but anyways, you're my first review. Chugging along, there is definitely a progression beginning to happen and I'm starting to like this idea even more. I think that I might start reading it over again so I can get into the jibe of all this.

One thing that did irk me in this chapter was that there wasn't a lot of emotion. Who is dying on a death bed and everyone around him doesn't seem (to me) to give a flying heck. You have to add more sadness if you want the reader to also feel for Who in his dying condition. Even if it isn't dying, there should still be come worry and concern. Don't get me wrong, you do have some in there but it's not enough to make me shed a tear or even care really. Somehow I know that he's going to get better so I don't bother myself with emotion. That's not good, you're going to want to add something that makes it seem like Who might not make it. Even if he does, it gives something for the reader to cling onto.

My suggestion to you would be to think back when you were in hospital for a loved one. What did you feel even if it was just a broke bone or something? Make sure you place this into your story. Try and remember every little detail and replicate it with Key's feelings. It's the only way that we as readers are going to really feel sorry for Who. And if you haven't been to hospital, think of something bad that has happened to someone you know and voice what you feel with Key.

One other thing was her reaction to landing on Earth. Sure she says that she hates it but does she really feel the hate? As readers we understand that she doesn't like our planet but I want to see it in your writing. Make her crinkle her nose at the little things. Make her doubt the intelligence of the humans. These little things from the lack of trees to the large amount roads and what nots should be brought to her attention and she should either wrinkle her nose, think/voice her opinion. You do have this coming through a little bit but I think if you add that little bit more, it will make her hate that little more real. Also, they're not in the ship anymore are they? Wouldn't they all be sad that they've lost their home? I didn't read the last chapter, sorry, so I wouldn't know.

You have so many possibilites to think about; you shouldn't be leaving them in the dust. Already I've asked some vital questions that should be seen to. I suggest before doing anything else, see to what I've written and try to make it that little bit more noticeable. In all honesty Zanna, it's your emotion that is your only problem. Your characters are quirky and different, your plot is wicked and everything else is just spectacular. If you just tweaked up the emotion problems then I'm sure that every chapter you post would be on the Featured list.

I don't mean to critise if it seems like that, but I'm just pointing out little things that will really make your story shine. I don't want this going to waste is all. Good luck, I can't wait for the next installment. Team Key, is what I am going to leave with! :D
I spy!
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:04 am
hazellgreene says...



Hey there :) I must say I found your story really interesting! Seeing the world through someone elses eyes (a stranger to the planet) really puts it in perspective, what we've done to our planet, doesn't it? ;)

Just a couple of things I want to point out though...(I love the names by the way!)

“Key?” I looked up; Lion’s muffled voice filtering through my hands, and found him standing next to me.


Should 'filtering' be 'filtered'? To carry on the same tense and all... :)

Our bodies healed much faster for one thing, and once we were in the hospital it would only be a matter of time before the humans realized this.


In my opinion, 'for one thing' sounds far too casual in this bit. Try taking it out or using another little phrase. If you want to keep it in, I would recommend putting it at the beginning of the sentence, so it reads better - 'For one thing, our bodies healed much faster...'

Lions plan was to get Who to the Doctors,


Should be 'Lion's' and you don't need a capital for doctors.

have them diagnose what was wrong with him


For this bit, you can miss out ‘what was wrong with’ because simply ‘diagnose him’, makes more sense and reads smoother.

Our alias that Lion came up with was that we’d been on a road trip and gotten into an accident.


Alias means ‘codenamed’ or ‘a.k.a.’ so you might want to change it to ‘cover-story’ or something like that.

The chaos that ensued once we reached the hospital had been a nightmare. Questions, paperwork, doctors, needles, blood, pain, suffering, death. It all bombarded my senses, wreaking havoc on my nerves.


And finally, I just wanted to say that I love this bit of description! hehe, hope this helped and if you've got another chapter I'd love to read it! :D
...we're only good for the latest trends...

I walk on wounds that seldom prove to slow me down

'Writing is a cop-out. An excuse to live perpetually in fantasy land, where you can create, direct and watch the products of your own head. Very selfish.'
~ Monica Dickens
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:41 pm
StandStrong says...



Whew! Not too many comma splices, and the person before me did a good copy edit. One thing they didn't catch:
While we waited for Who to come around, Lion halfheartedly quizzed all of us on what we remembered from our lesson on Earth. With our minds, already overloaded with worry for Who, we sounded like a group of lazy students, who hadn’t paid attention in class. We were hardly able to come up with anything.

First sentence good. Second sentence, you need to remove the comma after students.

My concern for this one is you lose a lot by summarizing in retrospect. I was rather lost from the jump between part 4 and part 5. If you want to gloss over the middle stuff, by all means do, but it would sit better with your story if you didn't jump around in time.

I have another concern--this is suddenly starting to sound very much like a fictional take on one of Al Gore's speeches ranting about Global Warming. I mean, themes and statements are great in fictional works, but you gotta be careful about walking the line. Is Earth all that bad? Do they find it to have no redeeming value? Or will you show the good and the bad in the coming parts?

Things to think about.

Overall, I like the story but this part was so dry because of the summary and the borderline political global warming bits. There was very little dialogue, and I'd like to see this entire Part 5 come to life instead of sit in a chair snacking on chips.

Cuz you can do better, I've seen it, and a good reviewer pushes the author to do better each time.

Tally-ho! Onwards to the other parts.
Bob: hmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Mr. Eglamore: Okay. Let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of laser cows to take over your house.

Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome.
http://www.gunnerkrigg.com/archive_page.php?comicID=632
  








We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart