Young Writers Society

Falling Skies

Wind brushes through my hair. I close my eyes and smile as my wings flap. The sun is rising and I turn to the east without opening my eyes, feeling the light on my face. My wings flap again and I hear a bird sing next to me. I open my eyes and look to my right, then to my left. I am at the center, the lead, of a formation of morning doves. I laugh and look forward again.

I flap my wings one more time and push myself forward. I look down over the hills below and smile. Flapping my wings one more time, I pull them in and wrap them around my body, pointing myself downward. I fall, fall fast, and fall straight. The morning doves follow me, and we all fall to the earth. I uncurl myself and use my wings to make the falling quicker. The wind rushes even faster pass me, the ground rushes up. It’s hard to breathe, both from my speed and my excitement.

I laugh once more as the tips of the trees come into view. My wings span out and I catch the current of air. Time freezes as I loose control of where I fall and where I fly. I hover for what seems like an eternity, though it is only a moment, before my momentum shoots me forward. I spread out my hands and touch the trees as I flutter over the top of the forest, my feet trailing behind.

I leave the forest and head straight up, the morning doves still following me. I go as high as the clouds and stop for a moment of weightlessness. I close my eyes and let myself fall again. This time, I don’t help gravity. The wind spins me around so I face the ground. I smile and point my wings flat, letting the wind catch them. I spiral in the air and level out quickly, flying into the rising sun with the formation of doves behind me.

Hai!

I like your title, and I love anything with wings and wingéd things in it. XD

This is very short, and as such, I feel there needs to be more to it. Not plot necessarily, but with such a short piece, I feel it ought to be more vivid. It’s all very descriptive, and it’s like you’re trying to paint a picture of the moment with words, which I really like. However, it isn’t vivid.

I want it to be vivid.

Maybe if it was a bit longer and you had more “story” stuff in it, that wouldn’t matter so much, but as it is, it’s just rather tame description.

Wind brushes through my hair. I close my eyes and smile as my wings flap. The sun is rising and I turn to the east without opening my eyes, feeling the light on my face. My wings flap again and I hear a bird sing next to me. I open my eyes and look to my right, then to my left. I am at the center, the lead, of a formation of morning doves. I laugh and look forward again.

I flap my wings one more time and push myself forward. I look down over the hills below and smile. Flapping my wings one more time, I pull them in and wrap them around my body, pointing myself downward. I fall, fall fast, and fall straight. The morning doves follow me, and we all fall to the earth. I uncurl myself and use my wings to make the falling quicker. The wind rushes even faster pass me, the ground rushes up. It’s hard to breathe, both from my speed and my excitement.

I laugh once more as the tips of the trees come into view. My wings span out and I catch the current of air. Time freezes as I loose control of where I fall and where I fly. I hover for what seems like an eternity, though it is only a moment, before my momentum shoots me forward. I spread out my hands and touch the trees as I flutter over the top of the forest, my feet trailing behind.

I leave the forest and head straight up, the morning doves still following me. I go as high as the clouds and stop for a moment of weightlessness. I close my eyes and let myself fall again. This time, I don’t help gravity. The wind spins me around so I face the ground. I smile and point my wings flat, letting the wind catch them. I spiral in the air and level out quickly, flying into the rising sun with the formation of doves behind me.

Do you see what I mean? Your descriptions are limited to three things: the character’s wings, the character’s eyes, and the character’s laugh/smile. Surely there must be more than that you can do; describe the sky, describe the ground below, tell us the colours of everything, the colours of the sky and the clouds and the sunrise and the doves and the tops of the trees! Can the wingéd thing see the details of the doves? The colour of their feet, the glint of the sunrise in their eyes, the white blur of their feathers? The clouds—are they pink, peach, gold, cream, white? Is the sun white-on-fire or burning gold? Does it shine into her eyes and blind her, or can she see through it? What about the dark of the sky where the sunrise hasn’t happened yet?

You handle the pace very well, and you have some great phrases—like about not helping gravity. I really liked that one, as it was descriptive, visual and gave a little bit of character as well.

My wings flap again and I hear a bird sing next to me. I open my eyes and look to my right, then to my left. I am at the center, the lead, of a formation of morning doves.

While I love, love, love the image of the wingéd thing flying with the doves, I’ve a few nitpicks with this.
1) Doves don’t really “sing”; they go “boo-booooo-boo”.
2) They go “boo-booooo-boo” when they’re resting.



I hope this was of some use. PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

It's very short, and very beautiful, but the story did felt a bit pointless, which disturbed me. Especially because I love very short stories, and they usually end with a short and meaningful sentence that is wrapping up the story, but more importantly- a very clear point, which felt a bit lacking in my opinion- it sounded more like an artistic, catch the moment kind of thing.
But aside from that it was very good, and the description was almost enchanting.
Keep the good work.

i think it's a great idea, writing from the point of veiw of the flyer. very enchanting, and nice description, I just thought you repeated things to many times and it sounded off. Don't get me wrong, i still loved it!
Keep writing!

Hello, I am Rhonwenn.

First, I must say that I am a fan of writings that have bird.human hybrids in them. I find them fascinating, so when I started to read this I was instantly cheering inside.

Although, the cheering quieted itself as I continued to read on. It was a beautiful, very short story, but when I read a short story, or any story at all, I wish to find a small amount of meaning in it. I managed to scrape out a "Live while you can" sort of meaning, but that was not very clear in the story.

I do like the fact that the story is from the hybrid's point of view, but the descriptions used were not very... Wide. They were limited. Very limited, as if stuck in a box. Try to expand your descriptions when writing. Not just: "I laugh and look forward again." but instead use: "A chuckle escaped from behind my lips as I once more looked at the sights in front of me." It sounds so much different, more... Intriguing, with just a simple twist of how things are said.

I enjoyed your short story. Just remember to expand, and your writing will be even better! =D

Hope this helped,
Rhonwenn

Hey,

Must say it was a very insperational and vivid depiction of what it would be like to fly and the freedom of it. I liked how you described the tiny deatails like the sun on your face or the different ways of falling.
However as good as it was I wish that it was longer so you could add to the story and give it some sort of plot or goal because, it felt pointless and lacking direction.
All in all it was pretty good.

P.S. You could also do a poetry like version of this it would be very good I'm sure of it!

This is a beautifully described story and as Froggy said, it has potenital to be a poem just as sweet! I like how you put us all in the mind of a proud dove, it was cute! You've got some great imagery too.. I just have ONE single little nitpick, you wrote a sentence almost indentical to one only a line above and it felt a little awkward;

I flap my wings one more time - followed by;
Flapping my wings one more time

Otherwise it was a nice story, I think you have a real good shot in the competition! Here you have 4 out of 5 icky spiders to reward yourself with otherwise

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This story took me on a journey--a sweet journey--but then led me off a cliff and into an empty river teeming with potential. I feel as though your piece has been randomly taken from a fantasy novel, like from the middle or something.
Following the basic steps in writing a short story will do you great good, you know, the whole put a man up a tree, throw stones at him then get him down thing would help you infinitely.
If you were to involve the element of conflict in your piece it would've been a much more enthralling read, not to say that it wasn't an enthralling read already
Unless off course you're target market is comprised of peace fanatics.

Good work though please keep writing.

--Abyss.