z

Young Writers Society


Odin



User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 7
Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:28 am
Snake7 says...



I joined yesterday so I thought I would post something. This isn't much, I just typed this up in an hour.

Odin


I look out from the castle balcony, a black sea of warriors coming over the horizon. Our humble army brace themselves. We’re far outnumbered.

I feel useless just standing here, watching. I’m next to my father; the king. He won’t let me help fight. I’m ‘too young’ he says. But he’s seen my epic prowess, my ability to cast magic far more powerful than any of his experienced mages. And over that, I’m a member of the royal family, which grants me the ability to summon a mighty guardian. I know he’s only thinking about my safety, but the fate of the whole empire is at stake, and that’s what he should be thinking about.

The two armies collide, and instantly our warriors are pushed back and ran over.

“Can’t you do something father? Summon your guardian – our kingdom will surely perish if you do not!” I said, with my eyes fixed with fear on our falling army.
“You know I cannot; to acquire such a mighty beast you need to prove your worth to it, which I did not. I failed to defeat it in battle, however, you did not.” He said coolly.
“Then I’ll do it; I’ll summon my guardian: Odin, and reign terror upon the enemy.” I suggested.
“No Kailin, doing so would require magical energy that you do not possess, killing you in the process.”

But this isn’t about me father, our kingdom is at risk. You would not risk your life for the good of the empire, but I will.

I jump from the balcony, landing neatly on the ground.
“Kailin!” My father shouted after me. But I paid him no attention. I take one last look around, knowing that this would be the place that I die. It seemed perfect, to sacrifice your life to save others, unlike my father, who would do nothing selflessly. He was not fit to be a king. The snowy mountains pierced the black clouds. The long blades of grass I dragged my feet through were so colourful it didn’t seem as though something so cold and dark could happen here. But something dark was happening here; war, and only I had the power to stop it.

I turn back to the castle where my father stood, his hand rested on the stone railing. I could see from the look in his eyes that he accepts my decision now; he realizes what should be done. He bowed his head. I return the gesture. I turn around to a huge wave of black warriors, all suited with heavy armour, and stained by blood. The blood of my men that they killed. No one knows where these mysterious vermin came from. Some say they lived in the seclusion of the mountains. We lived in fear of them, they constantly attacked us in small groups, but now they gathered there numbers and are attacking us in full force. For what reason they are attacking us, remains unknown. Now was the time to end it.

Odin.

A silhouette of Odin appears on the edge of a cliff to my right. His horse rears and jumps from the cliff. Thunder rumbles in the distance. They gallop towards me at an unimaginable pace. Odin comes to a halt between me and the oncoming sea of vile creatures. Odin was tall, as was his horse. They towered over everyone. The horse was a dark purple colour, its eyes strangely completely white. Suddenly the sky darkens and everything is as black as night. I suddenly go completely numb and drop to the ground, leaving Odin to defeat the rest of the enemies.

---


Lightning thunders down as the horse rears again, lighting the area. It strikes the ground, creating a massive explosion, sending enemies flying. One man runs at Odin, a spear in both hands, intent on stabbing straight through him. A massive sword drops from the clouds, and Odin catches it cleanly. He slashes out with it. It makes no contact, but the force of the blow cuts his head clean off. His men, seeing this, slowly start to retreat back. Odin slashes his blade in a horizontal motion. Men on the front line split in two, while others fall back on their comrades creating a small ripple of falling men. The horse stomps one foot, and its hooves are engulfed in flames. They gallop to the centre of the army, trampling over them, burning them with the horse’s fir hooves. The horse rears again, this time a flame ripple spreads across the entire length of the army, disintegrating those nearby. The closest ones fall to the ground, burning to death. Odin jumps of his horse. Only a handful of enemies remain, all circled around him. Odin spins, with his sword outstretched, causing the few remaining to fly back.

Odin throws his sword to the heavens where it belongs. A godly hand stretches through the clouds, reaching for the sword. It lands neatly in his hand, and retreats it back.

Odin steers his steed to where the young Kailin lay, lifeless. Odin looks down at him, as if he felt for Kailin’s death, but you could see no emotion through his helmet.

Well done, little one

Then Odin and his trusty steed walked off into the night, disappearing behind the dark shadows of the night.
Kailin’s father walked slowly to where Kailin lay. He kneels down. A tear runs down his cheek and lands on Kailin’s shoulder. He stands back up and looks out at the massacre. The sky began to clear. The sun appears just over the mountains, creating a silhouette. The light of the sun reveals the amount of blood that was spilled. It stains the grass, forever a reminder of the time young Kailin sacrificed his life to save the empire from a gruesome defeat.
"You overreach yourselves." Orphan

"No, we overreach you." Lightning, Final Fantasy XIII
  





User avatar
83 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2062
Reviews: 83
Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:36 am
SubjectBlue says...



I have to admit I didn't manage to read all of it, I had a very important Email.
From what I have read (3/4) I really enjoyed, the fantasy was interesting and refreshing, the story was told clearly and fascinatingly.
Welcome to the site by the way, I'm sure you'll really love it here.
I'm not exactly an expert around here, but I am dedicated, so if you need something- contact me.
Don't be shy. SubjectBlue.
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

For Free!
topic86079.html
  





User avatar
23 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1107
Reviews: 23
Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:02 pm
ally1212 says...



I think you did a good job on this short story. There was a few spelling and grammer mistakes that were sometimes very noticible. I also think that you should make the emotions that the characters are feeling stronger because I'm not sure what everyone thinks of the situation. Other then that I say it was very well writen and I could feel that you really got into the story when you were writing it.
  





User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1880
Reviews: 81
Thu Jul 07, 2011 5:38 pm
Veritas says...



It was interesting a kept me entertained to be sure. I'm not really qualified to critique it, though. I have a habit of writing fantasy but it also turns out to be a mixture of all my favorite stories. I did enjoy reading Odin but there are a few things i would change. I know this sounds weird but I think it should feel more real. Even fantasy has some kind of rules. It feels a bit unrealistic because it's cliche. The classic sacrifice, bad king, good prince king of thing. Switch it up a bit. I think that fantasy maybe the hardest thing to write. Considering that, you really did do a good job!

Veritas
The words you write reflect your soul. Make every word count.
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 7
Thu Jul 07, 2011 5:57 pm
Snake7 says...



@Veritas You're completely right about it being cliche. I just joined yesterday and was looking for a short story just to get me started and this was the first thing that came to my head. Thanks for the advice. :)
"You overreach yourselves." Orphan

"No, we overreach you." Lightning, Final Fantasy XIII
  








Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh