Young Writers Society

Come on! Tell me where we are going. I really don't like this...why the hell are we here? No, I never said I wanted to come here. You dragged me here. Wait! How do you even know about this place? You know what, nevermnd. I'm leaving...what did you just say...Simone Devaroux is dead. Hold on, do I even know you? I mean of course I know you, but do know who I am?

No? Well I'm Joshua Been Jospeh, famously known as Jesus Christ, or J.C. to my family. See I knew you were gonna ask that. What I truly look like....can't tell you. Sorry. It is one of Dad's rules. Alright alright, I guess I'm gonna have to tell you who Simone is.

No one knows this, not even Dad. Simone Devaroux was my wife. Bet'cha didn't think I would say that, huh? But yeah, she was my wife and the love of my life. Still is. Let's see, what can I say about her? She was very beautiful. Copper skin with blazing fire-red tresses that cascaded down her back. You could see her from a mile away because her hair was always swaying behind her as she walked. She had the most greenest eyes, they were so hypnotic. Those were the first things I noticed about her. I can't forget about the freckles dusted across her nose and cheeks. They made her look so cute and child-like.

I met her at 19, really young. I don't remember the exact place where. Maybe a party. Yeah, it was my neighbor's party. With the wine and dancing girls and merryment. She was a dancing gypsy at the party, as soon as those mesmerizing eyes fell on me, I fell in love with her instantly. And of course she didn't want anything to do with me. Haha. She wasn't like others. She didn't care who I was or who my father is. She just cared about me. All of my glory really didn't impress her, which was refreshing and interersting to me.

After a year of chasing her around all of Bethlehem, I finally got her to agree to marry me. That is how much I loved her. I wanted her to be mine. For 3 months we stayed in Bethlehem and then moved to Jerusalem. A year after we moved, we had a daughter. God I loved that child. She was my world, she still is. But that's another story for another day.

Unfortunately, a couple months later our child lost her mother and my heart broke into pieces. I didn't know if I could go on. Even though, I knew I had to, for our child. I'm going to be honest. My wife killed herself, why? She was battling manic-depressive bipolar disorder. Also, she was defiled by our neighbor. Someone I trusted. Never again. Then a year after that my child died. Okay, that is all I'm going to say on these matters.

Great! Now you have me crying. I told you I didn't want to talk about this or be here. Are you happy now? Are you happy you know my secret while hanging from a cross?

Its turning out good so far sis! Keep up the good works!! Hugs* Can't wait to read more ^^ I liked how you have put an interesting spin on the bible....^^ Keep updating so I may read more!!! Hugs* Good luck and Happy Writing!!! I will help you whenever WriterFeed pad starts working again T.T Happy Writing and keep up the good work....
Soulkana<3

This is actually really sad! It's so good that you can write sad, for want of a better word, stuff and still have the tone of a character's voice- this guy seems pretty pissed off with the situation and with all his anger you can still portray sympathy. You're really talented, and this was great

Hey there!

I thought I'd take a look at this for you, seeing as you reviewed something of mine.

Now, I'm not at all up to scratch when it comes to Bible stuff, so this review may be a little naff. Although, it seems as though you've put your own spin on things. Even so, I'm mainly going to focus on the grammar aspect, rather than the plot.

what did you just say...Simone Devaroux is dead.

You're missing some question marks here. There should be one after 'say' and one after 'dead'

but do know who I am?

You need 'you' after 'do'

What I truly look like

Question mark at the end of this sentence.

I met her at 19

'19' should be written as 'nineteen'

She was a dancing gypsy at the party, as soon as those

The comma would be better as 'and'

For 3 months

'3' should be 'three'

That is how much I loved her

This story is written in past tense so 'is' should be 'was'

Even though, I

You don't need the comma.

My wife killed herself, why?

The comma should be a full stop.

***

This piece was interesing. It's set long ago, yet you write it as though it's happening in modern times, with the shortened words. The tone is quite casual throughout the piece and it's as if the MC is talking to someone he's known for a long time, and us, at the same time. It's very direct and almost like he's having a conversation with us, yet not giving us time to speak.

The fact that you had Jesus using God's name in vain was weird, and pushed the story towards being modern, like the language used.

I hope this review helps, seeing as I haven't really got anything helpful to say on the plot side of things.

xDudettex

I really liked your first story of the UnBible. It was fresh and so good. Over all, I still LOVE the concept. The whole "This is how it actually happened" theme is so refreshing and new. I really like it. However, I don't think it's wise to use a Biblical character that so many people adore and know.

I would have loved to see you do one of perhaps Moses, King David, Ruth, Noah, Lot, even Judas Iscariot... but Jesus?

To be honest, this offended me. I know that sounds really bad, but Jesus isn't just some guy in the Bible. I love, adore, and absolutely worship Him as God.

The one you wrote of Eve still followed Biblical events, which is why I think I liked it.

But with this one, you just pulled stuff out of thin air. To me, you were tainting the image of Jesus.

From Jesus lusting after a woman (and not just a woman, but a gypsy, a whore) to Him marrying and having a child…?!?!?!?!

This just didn't work for me. I'm sorry to get preachy, but I just couldn’t handle this.

I would LOVE you to write more… but maybe use a character like Lot. He would make a GREAT version of this.

Sorry for the bad review.

H.

i still liked your story hun (: its cute and puts a spin on the events thaat happened in the Bible don't give up!! <3

That was AWESOME!! Keep this up, chica.

This was really fun to read and kinda sad. I like it. *She grins*

Hmm, another very interesting take on a popular story! Just a couple of notes though:

- So Christ had a wife, haha. I believe it! I'm sure he endorsed love and marriage. I don't see this as lust, but as heartfelt and genuine love (this girl wasn't a prostitute was she? it didn't sound like it, but just want to be sure). Although was his wife a virgin as well as his mother? Cause then it would look kind of strange if he had a child. It doesn't really bother me, but it seems like something you might want to explain, for the sake of completeness.

- To my knowledge, the people known as the Gypsies weren't in the area of Israel the time Jesus was alive. Now I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure these groups didn't get to that area until something like 1000-1300. At the very least, they wouldn't have been called Gypsies. That term didn't come around until post year 1000. Just something to might want to adjust for sake of historical accuracy. You don't have to if you don't want to.

- It's risky business writing stories about Jesus like this. You did kind of pull this out of thin air. Now giving him a child is really risky business, cause that seems to be something that he really wouldn't do. I kind of like seeing him as more of a person, because I believe that was his objective in being made man. But that's not going to come across to everyone who reads this. Just make sure you're not making too much change to the character, otherwise it really just becomes another work of fiction. This story really has potential, but I'd suggest writing something more like what Jesus would do. Maybe the story about him meeting the woman at the well Or feeding the 5,000? Ooh, that'd be a good story! But just an idea, you don't have to change it.

I kind of liked your first story better, but this is still a pretty charming piece of prose. Keep up the writing, and I'm sure it'll get better as it goes!
- SOCKS

I can answer your questions, Socks! I love oppourtinuties to teach!

-Jesus never did marry, but it is believed by many that He was in love with Mary Magdalene. Mary was the closest friend of Jesus' during His time on earth. Jesus never did marry, have kids, or had sex because He wasn't here for that. He wasn't here to "experience" mortality, or to partake in the luxuries of life. He was here to teach us how to live, to set an example for us, and then to take our sins away.

-Gypsies did in fact exist in Jerusalem during the time of Christ. They probably weren't called "gypsies" specifically, but a gypsy is just another term for "nomad". Gypsies were most commonly associated with prostitution and witchcraft. Seeing that Simone was a performer, she would have been a prostitute. Any way, in this case, the term is historically accurate. Gypsies existed during this time.

By the way, Q, I still really liked your "Lot" story. I'm excited to see what you can do with it!

Thank yah!! but im still havin trouble with the second part of his story

Wait, there's more to this story? It's in the short fantasy fiction sections. Do you want me to move it for you?

Anyway, a nitpick of sorts!

I met her at 19

For 3 months

The rule of thumb is that if it's twenty or less, or a factor of ten and a hundred or lower, then you write it out. So, three is three. A hundred is a hundred. Fifteen is fifteen. So, you don't use the numerical values, generally, when writing out. That's in general. For stories, it's even stricter... you're supposed to write out the number. In any case, three is not something you ever write out as 3 unless it's in scientific papers, and generally it's 3.0 (or however many significant figures it should be).

As far as the story goes? I didn't really care for it. Your character, J.C. sounds really vapid and stupid, and it's kind of a turn-off for me. I mean, I realize that it's supposed to be humorous, but I don't particularly care about reading about idiots. I meet enough of them in real life, thank you very much. Plus, the fact that you jumped in where he's hanging on the cross and he's still vapid and stupid? Guh. It's irritating.

That is not to say that I don't like bible parody -- I do! I adore Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth. True story... that book actually got me kicked out of the library because I was laughing too hard. But, it made sense for Eve to be silly and thoughtless because it was making fun of Genesis and God's orders, when really it kind of makes sense that Eve wouldn't have a slightest idea of what death is, so why fear it in the first place? But this wasn't particularly amusing because J.C. seemed forever to be a twit. And that sort of comedy only goes so far with me...

Anyway, best of luck for this story! And, I thoroughly recommend Mark Twain's story. It's awesome.

If you would like to move it, please contact me or another mod and we'll move it out of the short story part.

Hello again! I got a little distracted by some other reviews but here I am now to take a look at this one too

I didn't find it very interesting to be honest. Your others had better ideas behind them and the comedy was more effective, while the tone didn't work as well here. The introduction is bland and there wasn't anything funny, well written, entertaining or interesting etc. about the first paragraph. The second didn't get much better. Again with the renaming of or explaining of the bible characters. It isn't necessary and ends up creating too much filler.

The third paragraph is better. It's helped by the descriptions and seems a bit more together. I think you need to give your character some emotion though and some setting. Start right from the beginning with telling us where he is and what's going on so we can picture the scene while he recounts his story.

Fourth paragraph you need to write the numbers out in words, just a general rule when you're writing a story. The exceptions are for mathematial formula or if you want to give a journalistic feel, such as to show that your narrator is an article writer or to give that crime fiction touch. But generally, you ought to write them out. Merryment should be merriment.

Paragraph five is alright. Six is too rushed and too much information for a single paragraph! Seven is an alright end I guess but just because these are supposed to be short and funny, doesn't mean they can't have genuine emotion and descriptions. I don't think there was much of merit to this one, sorry, but it just didn't interest me. There needed to be more character, more plot and certainly more humour.

I think there's better material to work with and you need to gather some more interesting facts about Jesus Christ for you to parody before taking another shot at this one.

Heather xxx

I liked this story. I found it quite interesting, but then again, it's a Bible and a love story, so how could it not be to me? =P
However, there are some things I'd still like to point out about this.

I liked the way this was written (I generally enjoy things is first person though). It is a very, very sad story. So... this all happened in the years of his life that went undocumented in the Bible?

Well, I like the concept. What really happened then?

I do think it feels rushed towards the end though. The facts just spring up on you out of nowhere, but that's how I often end up telling emotional stories in reality. I think you could have transitioned it better, but I still really enjoyed that part. Poor Jesus/Joshua =(

Keep writing =)

Wow. This is really cool. I love the new take on Jesus. The beginning is kind of confusing. I couldn't tell who was talking, and why, and who they were talking to. And you did quite a bit of telling and not showing. You could have added more emotion and elongated it, and you could get a pretty long story out of this.

Ironic: I just finished being in Godspell at a local theater, and because of our setting we called Jesus J.C. in the show!

Sparkles,
Sierra