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Reviews: 52
Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:42 am
LamaLama says...

This looks good.
A few comments:
Who is 'the man' you refer to in the first sentence? Changing that to "A man" would be better. Also, a description of this person would be apropriate at this time.
why is this kingdom no longer safe? What aspects have changed to make it unsafe?

Your description of the shadow creature is a bit too technical. Since this is fantasy, instead of telling us how to build one, tell us what it would look like if we had a picture of it in front of us. Same goes for telling us that its elimental and can change its body. Let us find that out on our own. (IE, make it so that we would figure that out, instead of saying it.)

Some of your descriptions can be a bit cliche. "bloodcurtling" comes to mind. We can assume this. How does this shriek make him, and us the readers feel? After letting us know that, then you can revert to simpler explinatations.

I like the idea of this sequence being a nightmare.

About their manner of speach- you wrote out the way they spoke, which is alright, but until I got to "no fanks" I didn't really get it. Perhaps dropping in a line about her thick accent would help?
Beware of the scary banana fingers! For they are mushy, and yellow.

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