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Deep Magic Chapter 1 *edited*



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Mon Mar 14, 2011 1:21 am
Lethero says...



*I didn't like the previous beginning, so I changed it.*

Chapter 1
Stella inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, calming her heart rate. Opening her eyes, she immediately focused on the target a hundred feet away from. It was small and wooden, shaped like a human torso. Drawing the magic from within her core, Stella channeled all the energy into her outstretched right palm. The air above heated and suddenly caught flame. She continued pouring energy into the ball of fire while tightening her concentration on it to keep it no larger than her fist. Never once did she lose her focus on the target. Though she knew the fire was hot enough to turn anything it touched to ashes, it only felt like a warm campfire resting just above her hand. With deliberate motions, she brought her hand back and hurled the fireball at the target.
It speed toward the target faster than what most people could see, but with her magically enhanced senses, Stella watched it sail across the distance in slow motion. Stella had to cover her eyes as the fireball found its mark. It made no sound, but the heat from it was so intense, Stella had to erect a ward around her before she was incinerated. Uncovering her face, she looked to where the target once stood, only finding a circle of charred stone nearly twenty feet in diameter.

Stella nearly collapsed in exhaustion from concentrating so much of her power into that little ball, but managed to stay on her feet. “Good,” her teacher, Frederick Daniels, said from behind her, “you’ve improved greatly.”

“Then why do I still so freaking tired after I do it,” she moaned turning to her teacher. He stood there, his arms crossed and a wide smile on his face. Stella figured he was handsome for man into his late sixties with his emerald green eyes, steel-grey hair tied into a ponytail, and well tanned skin from days of hard work from he was younger.

“It comes with practice, my girl,” he said, reaching into the folds of his robes and pulling out a water skin for Stella. She drank deeply, nearly draining the entire thing and getting more of it onto her brown robes rather down her throat. Stella handed her teacher the nearly empty container who only took a quick sp before returning it into his robes. “Most Magi of my level would’ve loved to be able to put as much energy as you have into such a contained space.”

Frederick helped Stella over to one of the benched along the courtyard walls where she dropped down onto with a sigh of relief. It wasn’t until then that she could feel her limbs shaking. With as much energy as she put into it, she knew once she could walk straight she would be hungry enough to eat a horse. Maybe even two. Daniels sat down next to her, groaning as he took his weight off his weary joints.

“I think what got you was trying to suppress the sound,” her teacher said. “I commend you for doing that though. I only know two people in the entire city of Phox who could block nearly a hundred percent of the sound: the Arch Magus and myself.”

“If we can throw that much power into a second spell, why haven’t we destroyed Lyceria?” Stella asked.

“Do not believe they are entirely defenseless to our magic.” Daniels pulled out pipe, lighting it with magic, and took a single puff before continuing. “Many of their warriors carry a Cashka stones with them. These tiny stones can absorb vast amounts of magic, and can render all but our strongest of Magi useless. This is why we have reached a stalemate with them and to this day a hundred years after the war started, no one has won.”

As Stella’s strength slowly returned, her stomach began growling, and soon it was loud enough for her teacher to here. Frederick chuckled as her stomach let the loudest yet. He patted her on the back and stood up, stowing the pipe into his robes. “Come on, Stella,” he said, helping her to her feet. “Let’s go get something to eat.”


Stella stumbled into her room late that night. Her head felt fuzzy from all the ale she drank with Frederick, but her stomach had long stopped growling somewhere between her fourth or fifth bowl of soup. She was so tired she barely took notice of her room, only just making it to her bed without falling. Her body seemed to grow lighter as her eyes grew heavier. And before she knew it, sleep had come to claim her, taking her into uneasy dreams.

“Are you ready, Stella,” Armand whispered. Stella nodded and began drawing upon the energy she had discovered not so long ago. She looked at the all the merchant stalls in the market square and concentrated on a small of box hay one of the other orphans had planted next to a jewelers stand earlier in the day. Throwing her hand forward, she released the energy towards the wood container and watched as it suddenly caught flame. Stella sagged with the effort and watched as the combination of wood and hay feed the flames making it grow bigger and bigger. It didn’t take long before panic to ensue amongst the people.

The jeweler screamed as her stall caught flame and began eating away at the cloths her products sat on. As everyone’s attention turned to helping the woman, small groups of children, poured out of the alleys surrounding the square. Quickly, they ran between stalls, grabbing anything they could get their hands on while the owners were looking in the opposite direction. Just as they got the fire under control thanks to a man dull brown robes who had summoned water out of nowhere, the children had slipped away back into the alleys, arms full with their loot. Armand tugged on Stella’s hand, helping her to her feet and leading her down the alley.

The city of Phox was huge; five times bigger than any other city in the Torshen Empire, but Stella and the orphans knew it like the back of their hands. They spent many days walking through its streets, begging and stealing food to keep from starving. Stella had joined this group of orphans several years back soon after her parents died. They had shared their food with her and taught her the skills necessary for life on the streets.

It wasn’t until recently that Stella had discovered her new found ability. She remembered just sitting there one day, eyeing the food a merchant was selling. At first she wasn’t sure what she happened, but she remembered all the food suddenly catching on fire. It didn’t take long after that for Stella to realize that she was the one who did it and that it was magic just like what the Magi up at the castle used. So, after much practice, she got to the point where she could set fire to almost anything just by focusing hard enough and has since then used it to distract the adults while the rest of the orphans ran in and pilfered all their food.

Stella followed Armand through the maze of streets, never once letting go of his hand. They soon made it to an old abandoned house and with a quick tug on the boards on the door, Armand opened it enough for Stella to climb in followed by himself. He pulled the door shut behind him while Stella set light to a candle she knew was sitting in the center of the room.

The candle flared into existence revealing a mostly empty room. Besides a few tattered blankets and a small stool, dust dirt, and grime ruled this place. Stella sat next to the candle, feeling the energy come back to her. It was quiet in the room except for the sound of Armand’s footsteps as he paced back and forth next to the door. Stella looked up as she heard the boards being pulled back and one of the orphans who had made away with some of the merchants stuff squeezed in.

The boy set the food down he had stole and sat down on one of the blankets. Soon after, more and more orphans pulled the boards back and piled into the room, bringing with them whatever they managed to grab. Altogether it was an impressive haul, one of the biggest Stella had even seen. There were piles of food from freshly salted pork to baked bread.

The room grew noisy as everyone shared their stories of today’s events, a few of them Stella knew was overly exaggerated. She picked up a loaf of bread, but before she could enjoy it there was a loud knock on the door, silencing everyone in the room at once. Quickly, someone extinguished the candle plunging the entire room into darkness as the boards were pulled back. With a blinding flash, a light flared throughout the room. It lit everything equally, having no source. All of the children stared wide-eyed at the man who had entered the room.

Stella recognized him as the man in the brown robes who had extinguished the fire. “Hello, children,” he said, his voice rough yet kind. No one said anything, just staring at the adult who had barged into their sanctuary unannounced. Being orphans they had learned long ago, not to trust adult. Most of them remembering friends from long ago that were taken away by them. “It seems to me that you have an inexperienced magic user amongst you.” Stella felt all the other children’s eyes turn on her. “I promise not to call the authorities to come and collect you all, but I must take this child away for proper training. Else she might become a danger to herself.” Armand looked at Stella, his eyes filled with fear, but he nodded to her because they both knew she would be treated close to royalty if she were apprenticed.

“It’s me, sir,” Stella said.

The man smiled and bowed low to her. “What what is your name, my girl?”

“Stella.”

“Well, Stella, my name is Frederick Daniels. Are you ready?”he asked, holding out a hand to her. Stella glanced at all the orphans. They had been her been her family. She knew if she took this man’s hand, she would go and live out her days in the castle, but she knew she risked losing her family in the process. With a heavy heart, she took Frederick Daniels hand, the man who would one day become her teacher, and followed him into her new future.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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Mon Mar 14, 2011 3:19 pm
WaitingForLife says...



Alrighty then, I reviewed your earlier chapter and I have to say... wow. Why didn't you write it like this in the start? This seems written by a different person. It was everything the earlier one wasn't; I'm glad you changed it. There are some minor errors still, I'll help you clean those out.

This worked well last time, so let's go with that again... (Changes and comments in red.) Review in the spoiler:

Spoiler! :
Stella inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, calming her heart rate. Great start.Opening her eyes, she immediately focused on the target a hundred feet away from. It was small and wooden, shaped like a human torso. Drawing the magic from within her core, Stella channeled all the energy into her outstretched right palm. The air above Above what? heated and suddenly caught flame. She continued pouring energy into the ball of fire while tightening her concentration on it to keep it no larger than her fist. Never once did she lose her focus on the target. Though she knew the fire was hot enough to turn anything it touched to ashes, it only felt like a warm campfire resting just above her hand. With deliberate motions, she brought her hand back and hurled the fireball at the target. This is what I meant with making the magic stand out. Good job. ^^
It sped toward the target faster than what most people could see, but with her magically enhanced senses, Stella watched it sail across the distance in slow motion. She had to cover her eyes as the fireball found its mark. It made no sound, but the heat from it was so intense, Stella had to erect a ward around her before she was incinerated. Uncovering her face, she looked to where the target once stood, only finding a circle of charred stone nearly twenty feet in diameter.

Stella nearly You just used nearly, it sorta irritates me.collapsed in exhaustion from concentrating so much of her power into that little ball, but managed to stay on her feet. “Good,” her teacher, Frederick Daniels, said from behind her, “you’ve improved greatly.”

“Then why am I still so freaking tired after I do it,” she moaned, turning to her teacher. He stood there, his arms crossed and a wide smile on his face. Stella figured he was handsome for a man in his late sixties with his emerald green eyes, steel-grey hair tied into a ponytail, and well tanned skin from days of hard work from he was younger. I'd re-phrase this. To get rid of the double "from" that makes it sound clumsy. Maybe: "...and well tanned skin aquired from the hard labor of his younger years."

“It comes with practice, my girl,” he said, reaching into the folds of his robes and pulling out a water skin for Stella. She drank deeply, nearly draining the entire thing and getting more of it onto her brown robes rather than down her throat. Stella handed her teacher the nearly empty container who only took a quick sip before returning it into his robes. “Most Magi of my level would’ve loved to be able to put as much energy as you have into such a contained space.”

Frederick helped Stella over to one of the benches along the courtyard walls, onto which she settled on with a sigh of relief. It wasn’t until then that she could feel her limbs shaking. With as much energy as she put into it, she knew once she could walk straight she would be hungry enough to eat a horse. Maybe even two. Daniels sat down next to her, groaning as he took the weight off his weary joints.

“I think what got you was trying to suppress the sound,”Nothing really wrong. I just had to read it a couple of times to get it, though. Could just be me. her teacher said. “I commend you for doing that though. I only know two people in the entire city of Phox who could block nearly a hundred percent of the sound: the Arch Magus and myself.”

“If we can throw that much power into a second spell, why haven’t we destroyed Lyceria?” Stella asked. I'd put an adjective here, to show Stella's opinion on Lyceria and the war. Adding, for example, "bitterly" would show us she thinks they should have won a long time ago. See what I mean?

“Do not believe they are entirely defenseless against our magic.” Daniels pulled out his pipe, llit it with magic, and took a single puff before continuing. “Many of their warriors carry (a Cashka stones) Either plural or singular.with them. These tiny stones can absorb vast amounts of magic, and can render all but the strongest of our Magi useless. This is why we have reached a stalemate with them and to this day, a hundred years after the war started, no one has won.”

As Stella’s strength slowly returned, her stomach began growling, and soon it was loud enough for her teacher to hear. Frederick chuckled as her stomach let out the loudest yet. He patted her on the back and stood up, stowing the pipe into his robes. “Come on, Stella,” he said, helping her to her feet. “Let’s go get something to eat.”


Stella stumbled into her room late that night. Her head felt fuzzy from all the ale she had drank with Frederick, but her stomach had long stopped growling - somewhere between her fourth or fifth bowl of soup. She was so tired she barely took notice of her room, only just making it to her bed without falling. Her body seemed to grow lighter as her eyes grew heavier. And before she knew it, sleep had come to claim her, taking her into uneasy dreams.

“Are you ready, Stella,” Armand whispered. Stella nodded and began drawing upon the energy she had discovered not so long ago. She looked at the all the merchant stalls in the market square and concentrated on a small of box hay one of the other orphans had planted next to a jeweler's stand earlier in the day. Throwing her hand forward, she released the energy towards the wood container and watched as it suddenly caught flame. Stella sagged with the effort and watched You just used watched. I suggest a different verb. as the combination of wood and hay fed the flames, making it grow bigger and bigger. It didn’t take long before panic began to ensue amongst the people.

The jeweler screamed as her stall caught flame and began eating away at the cloths her products sat on. As everyone’s attention turned to helping the woman, small groups of children (No comma here.) poured out of the alleys surrounding the square. Quickly, they ran between stalls, grabbing anything they could get their hands on while the owners were looking in the opposite direction. Just as they This refers to the children. Use shop-keepers or something similiar. got the fire under control thanks to a man in dull brown robes who had summoned water out of nowhere, the children had slipped away back into the alleys, arms full with their loot. Armand tugged on Stella’s hand, helping her to her feet and leading her down the alley.

The city of Phox was huge; five times bigger than any other city in the Torshen Empire, but Stella and the orphans knew it like the back of their hands. They spent many days walking through its streets, begging and stealing food to keep from starving. This seems too vague too soon after such a detailed scene. It seems rushed.Stella had joined this group of orphans several years back soon after her parents died.They had shared their food with her and taught her the skills necessary for life on the streets.

It wasn’t until recently that Stella had discovered her new found ability. She remembered just sitting there one day, eyeing the food a merchant was selling. At first she wasn’t sure what she happened, but she remembered all the food suddenly catching on fire. It didn’t take long after that for Stella to realize that she was the one who did it and that it was magic just like what the Magi up at the castle used. So, after much practice, she got to the point where she could set fire to almost anything just by focusing hard enough and has since then used it to distract the adults while the rest of the orphans ran in and pilfered all their food.

Stella followed Armand through the maze of streets, never once letting go of his hand. They soon made it to an old abandoned house and with a quick tug on the boards on the door, Armand opened it enough for Stella to climb in followed by himself. Re-phrase the last three words, sounds wierd. He pulled the door shut behind him while Stella set light to a candle she knew was sitting in the center of the room.

The candle flared into existence, revealing a mostly empty room. Besides a few tattered blankets and a small stool, dust, dirt, and grime ruled this place. Stella sat next to the candle, feeling the energy slowly return to her. It was quiet in the room except for the sound of Armand’s footsteps as he paced back and forth next to the door. Stella looked up as she heard the boards being pulled back and one of the orphans who had made away with some of the merchants stuff squeezed in.

The boy set down the food he had stolen and sat down on one of the blankets. Soon after, more and more orphans pulled the boards back and piled into the room, bringing with them whatever they had managed to grab. Altogether it was an impressive haul, one of the biggest Stella had everseen. There were piles of food, from freshly salted pork to baked bread.

The room grew noisy as everyone shared their stories of today’s events, a few of them Stella knew was overly exaggerated. She picked up a loaf of bread, but before she could enjoy it there was a loud knock on the door, silencing everyone in the room at once. Quickly, someone extinguished the candle, plunging the entire room into darkness as the boards were pulled back. With a blinding flash, a light flared throughout the room. It lit everything equally, having no source. All of the children stared wide-eyed at the man who had entered the room.

Stella recognized him as the man in the brown robes who had extinguished the fire. “Hello, children,” he said, his voice rough yet kind. No one said anything, just stared at the adult who had barged into their sanctuary unannounced. Being orphans they had learned long ago not to trust adults, most of them remembering friends from long ago that were taken away by them. “It seems to me that you have an inexperienced magic user amongst you.” Stella felt all the other children’s eyes turn on her. “I promise not to call the authorities to come and collect you all, but I must take this child away for proper training. Else she might become a danger to herself.” Armand looked at Stella, his eyes filled with fear, but he nodded to her because they both knew she would be treated close to royalty if she were apprenticed.

“It’s me, sir,” Stella said.

The man smiled and bowed low to her. “Whatwhat is your name, my girl?”

“Stella.”

“Well, Stella, my name is Frederick Daniels. Are you ready?”he asked, holding out a hand to her. Stella glanced at all the orphans. They had been her been her family. She knew if she took this man’s hand, she would go and live out her days in the castle, but she knew she risked losing her family in the process. With a heavy heart, she took Frederick Daniels hand, the man who would one day become her teacher, and followed him into her new future.


Those are all small mistakes, akin to the final polishing of a silver ornament. This was a good chapter. Now we've got a complete background on Stella, all told in a way so as to not bore us. Great job on re-writing this. You can PM me with the next chapter if you like; I'd be glad to read it.

Your's truly,
|Life|

PS. I 'Liked' it. It was worth one. ;)
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:47 pm
Esmé says...



Hey,

Alright, so I think the story loses somewhat on generalizations: „like a human torso”, “faster than what most people could see”. No 1 is kinda okay, I guess, but I dunno, I imagine some succinct really cool description there. And no 2 is like, blah, okay. Feels like the easy way out for the writer! Prose loses force.

In parag 3 she nearly collapses with exhaustion. That comes as a surprise. It’s a bad surprise – collapsing from exhaustion is a big thing – and there were no signs before! None! Ok, she had to concentrate…

So we see the effects of her magic (really nice, by the way). But we don’t really see how it Affects her. She sags, she’s exhausted; but that’s a really Sahara description. I need something more. From the top of my head and the more obvious ones, sweat, etc. strain, furrowed brows

Hey, if she’s drunk, then she’s drunk – I kind of feel missed out with ‘her head felt fuzzy’. See, it would also do nicely from transition from fireball scene to sleep – her going home after, really nice for characterization etc. etc. (ok, I’m excited. This could be so cool).

Quote:
The city of Phox was huge; five times bigger than any other city in the Torshen Empire, but Stella and the orphans knew it like the back of their hands.

Really liked this sentence. Does so much with so little, in a really drawing in manner: what city it is, what empire it is, basically the setting basics, they’re all here and they’re not an info dump – more the opposite. As is the MC being an orphan. Yeah, I love the sentence


Ok, I liked the chapter, but I kind of felt it began too soon? I dunno, I’d like to see her in the act of discovering the magic, not just going back and glossing over the facts. What I mean is, why this and not any other order of events? Unless it’s very important for the story later on (like… yeah, I’m thinking she got pregnant with him, whatever, aborted a baby and secretly hates him and by the end will kill him because of that hatred, but we the reader don’t have a clue, but it might have obviously happened). Yeah?

What I’m saying si that I frown upon the – the – wait, there’s a good word for this, and it’s, it’s, pre, no, retrospections, ha. Yes.

You had me interested by how the story started; that she’s already training with him, etc., but I hope that the next chapter won’t start with the normal time? Or see, this might be good if during the retros, the pregnancy thing or whatever else evolves. Ooh.

And then the scene – like her being an orphan: They had shared their food with her and taught her the skills necessary for life on the streets. That’s an understatement that oh my god. (right, I'm thinking horrible things, yes, PG 13). Hey but you know, you make me think of Tamora Pierce.

Initial Stella/Frederick interactions are kind of… well, punched and beaten into being cheery and happy. I mean, this guy, he shows up, she goes to him, voila? CONFLICT. Where is it?

She doesn’t react at all, she just says, OK. It’s me. I’m the magic user. I’d like to claw my way inside her head; let us see more of that! I waited for suspicion, anything… She’s lived on the streets, yes? Stressing that.I mean, he could have evil motives. Right, he promises no authorities (nice move, btw, and I think that some characterization seeps thorugh dialogue for him? I like him).

Partly this is why I don’t like this being in retrospect… This is a fledgling dream and could be so much more; this deserves to be the main theme, I don’t know. This happens before the other… But is made to be second place. The glossing I dislike. Like, I feel this could be elongated.

Calm down, I’m reading, I’m interested and I’m reading: after reading this I realize what a lot has been said, informed, in that sneaky fabulous fashion of no info-dump of which I’m jealous, because I can never pull that off; but the darker side is that I could have enjoyed the same, but for a longer time.

Soo, watch for your generalizations and understatements, that’s the biggest weakness I found; I liked the magci descritptions, how the process happens (though go more, elaborate, on how it aftfects her (not just: she’s tired); her teacher is such a promising character; another big plus is that the story read really well and quickly. I was very surprised having found myself reading the last word heh (and not a little disappointed!).

Be careful, don’t make Stella a Sue!

Cheers,
Esme
  





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169 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1544
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Sat Mar 19, 2011 1:34 am
Lethero says...



Thank you for the reviews. During my next post, I will include in a spoiler the edited version of this chapter.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  








Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne