Young Writers Society

please note that I am a dyslexic. Do not could critique me on my punctuation, I know full well I am not good at it. Thank you.
~Shadow~

Find me. I'm alone, and I miss you.

The warmth of the afternoon sun is starting to fade away, I can see dark clouds forming in the distance,they look like an army of towering angry giants. they look like they're coming to get me. There is the smell of rain and I can just make out the distant murmurs of thunder. There's a cold breeze now, it blows my hair into my face.

Find me. I can't move, I'm still lying here, where you left me.

What's that!? Something is moving in the bushes just where I can't see it but, I can hear it snuffling. Oh good, it was just a squirrel. There he goes up that big pine tree, his home must be someone up there. I wonder what it's like to be a squirrel? I know it's a queer thought but I have always wondered. It must be fun scampering around in the woods, then suddenly dash up a tree. Squirrels can run so terribly fast, I wish I could but I can't, I can't even walk. I'm afraid, it's–it's starting to get dark.

Find me. Are you coming? Do you even care if I'm not there?

It's getting darke. I'm on my back looking up at the sky, I can see some stars, and I can clearly see the bank of clouds that is the storm front. The black clouds now look more like hungry monsters than giants. It makes me sad to see the happy little stars being eaten by the cloud monsters. I wonder if the other stars are afraid as they see the cloud monsters coming. If they are afraid they don't show it, they're twinkling and shining as bright as ever. It's almost like their defying the cloud monsters, daring them to eat them, they must be very brave. I wish I was that brave, but I'm not. I want you right now, I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be all right.

Please, find me. Why aren't you here yet? Have I done something wrong?

It's all dark now. The black cloud monsters have eaten all the little stars, I don't even have them for company. I felt sorry for the last little star, he held out so bravely, he twinkled and sparkled even though all his friends had been eaten by the black cloud monsters. I prayed they wouldn't eat him, my prayer was selfish though, I didn't want to be left alone. I prayed, and wished, and will so hard that it hurt. but then eventually he was consumed by the black cloud monsters. Now I am truly alone. The thunder is louder now, and the rain has started. I hear it pitter-pattering on the leaves all around me, I can smell the earth now. The rain hits my face, it gets into my eyes, I wish I could blink. The raindrops run down the sides of my face, like tears would if I could cry.

You won't find me. I've given up hope, you won't be coming out anyway it's past your bedtime.

I'm all alone, I'm wet, I'm cold, and I really miss you.

It has been raining for almost an hour, and I'm completely soaked. If you ever do find me will you still want me? I can't see anything now it's completely dark. The sun has gone down long ago, I can't even see the lights from the house. I wonder what you're doing, I wonder what you're thinking, do you ever wonder what I'm thinking? For some strange reason my thoughts drift back to last night, I was lying next to you in bed and I was watching you sleep. I was watching your face change as you were dreaming, I wondered what you were dreaming was it happy? Or sad? And then suddenly you gave a little laugh, and made a contented little sleep noise and snuggled deeper into the blankets. I wanted to hug you tight and kiss your cheek. Do you know how much I love you? I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep inside me. Even though you forgot me or don't care anymore I still love you, and I'll keep on loving you till the end. Wait! What's that? It looks like a light coming from the house. Did your father turn on the porch light to let the dog out? No, that light is moving. There are two lights now, flashlights?

You found me. You do still care. You do love me.

I heard your boots splashing in the puddles before I saw you. Your flashlight was waving all around, you shining it everywhere except on me. I was afraid you wouldn't see me, but then you turned, the flashlight shone right in my eyes and blinded me for a second. I couldn't see you but I heard you shout and your footsteps coming closer. You scooped me up into your arms even though I was soaking wet, you cradled me tenderly, and you told me you loved me and that you were so sorry. No,it's me who should be sorry. I'm sorry I doubted to. I should have known better, I should have known you would come looking for me, that you love me and you wouldn't rest till you found me. you hold me protectively underneath your rain jacket, hugging me so close that I make a big wet patch on your pajamas. We're walking next to your father now, he's saying something about putting me in the dryer or hanging me up near the fireplace. I smile as you say that you won't go to bed without me, and I smile even wider when your father says you can stay up and wait till I'm dry.

As we walk towards the house I snuggled closer and listen to your heart beat. I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep inside me, and I know you love me back.

Hello! My name is Jalmoc, it's a pleasure to meet you! Ummm, first off, I think you should move this to romance. It's just more of a romance than a fantasy. Other than that, the story was very good.

Great, now I'm sad. And I mean that in the best possible way.

This story was incredibly well-written. It honestly felt like it was told from the point of view from a child's toy, with the childlike observations and its fierce devotion to its owner. The mood set the tone of the toy's sadness perfectly. It reminded me a bit of Toy Story 3, but in a good way.

I'm not going to get into specific critique, both because of your disclaimer at the top and because I prefer to not pick apart stories that I like. The only real criticism I have is that some people wouldn't get the idea that the narrator is a toy. Honestly, I wasn't quite sure until near the end. Since the story is posted under fantasy, some people might be misled to believe that the speaker is a fantastical creature or something like that. But honestly, this is just nitpicking, and I'm sure than most people would probably disagree with me.

Suffice to say, I really enjoyed this. It's probably the best thing I've read on this site so far, even though I'm fairly new. Next time I see a teddy bear, I'm totally giving it a hug.

Keep up the good work

Hi there ShadowLight!

I'm WD, and it's lovely to meet you! I had fun reading this--you have a lovely style and I like the simplicity of the narrative voice. For a toy, the way things are described works really nicely, and I enjoyed the repetition of short sentences in between the paragraphs. It made it read a little bit like poetry to me and I enjoyed that.

As for my critiques, I think you have the writing style working nicely. And I think you've done a nice job of developing the toy as a character. I sort of liked how vague it was whether the narrator was a toy or not--it made it easier for me as the reader to regard the toy as a character and not just an object. Right now the primary way in which the toy is characterized is through narrative voice and reflection--this is working pretty well, to be honest, but I think more can be done. As the narrator is a toy, you are limited a little bit (unless you're going to let the toy walk and have strange bowel movements due to extreme anxiety); however, I think there is a lot you can do to characterize the narrator in relationship to the child. Right now the child is merely a shadow, a figure in the narrator's life that means a lot to him/her but isn't really developed. As the child is so important to the narrator, this needs work as well. And the moment to perfect this is during the reflection scenes and when the child finds the narrator. In these moments, take some time out and put an end to the telling. Try including some specific details and observations--how does the child play with the toy? What kind of toy is this? We get some extreme emotions out of the reactions (such as 'I never should have doubted you'); however, the emotions don't seem grounded in any honest interaction. The development of dynamics and the characterization that will result will be hard to pull off, as you are dealing with an inanimate objct and a child; however, if you can make it work, I think this will hold a lot more power.

My other comment, though it's not as important as the above one, is that, looking at all of the paragraph-bits where the toy is lying there, the part with the squirrel seems abrupt and a little forced. I think you can express the feeling of homelessness without resorting to this common plot device.

All in all, this was a fun read! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Wow I really enjoyed this piece, I found it incredibly evocative emotionally and found myself really feeling for the narrator. Of course not a lot happened but that was fine - it didn't need to for this to work for me. While I would have liked to know a little bit more about how the child interracted with the narrator the lack of it didn't put me off at all.

So I'll round this off by saying well done, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading some more of your stuff in the future!

Hello! I am in the process of creeping all your stuff, and I have a tendency to "like" everything that enjoy. I wanted to let you know that I especially loved this piece. I thought the individual lines set apart were really effective, and the love that the narrator expressed was so beautiful.