Young Writers Society

Writerchick wrote:Enormous flowers of bright reds and yellow bloom in the sky, I laugh because this is impossible I cry because it is beautiful. Butterfly’s with colors I’d never knew existed fly over my head, thousands of them. I am weeping now, overcome by sheer joy and happiness.

I float and float on my fairytale ocean.

Then I remember. It hits me like a tidal wave. My fantasy is destroyed and replaced by cruel reality. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. My happiness rushes out of my body just as fast as it had appeared.

Writerchick wrote:Butterfly’s with colors I’d never knew existed fly over my head, thousands of them.

Aqua-colored waves crash on its shore creating cream colored foam.

A sweet melody plays in the distance reminding me of graceful and weightless ballerina dancing around in a studio.

Butterfly’s with colors I’d never knew existed fly over my head, thousands of them

The single tree on the island is suddenly huge now ,its branches reaching towards the sky and seemingly extending on forever, I walk toward the tree , like I have so many times before.

“I don’t want you to die, don’t leave me take me with you!” I say clinging to him like a child would to its mother

His old hand rests on my head and he embraces me as hard as his old bones can manage.

Writerchick wrote:I just kind of started writing and this is what happened, I think it needs a little more of something but I’m not sure what. Some help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!



I dream and dream, I know nothing but dreams. Interesting opening line, I like it

I’m floating on a raft, in an ocean, weightless and free. The sky is so vast and magnificent it almost brings tears to my eyes. I can hear sea gulls in the distance happily squawking, perhaps at the discovery of new day’s meal. There is an island nearby. Looking pitifully insignificant compared to the ocean. Good intro, but your sentences are a bit too sort and seem almost fragmented, if you're going for a longer description and really want to paint a setting make the paragraph flow, and don't state like you did in the last two sentences. I like the seagull bit though.

There is a single tree on it comma like one might see in "a"children’s story book.
Aqua-colored waves crash on its shore creating cream colored Too much "coloured" in this sentence, rephrase foam. An ocean breeze wafts past swirling the sand on the island through the wispy air and unsettling the leaves on the tree . SpaceA sweet melody plays in the distance comma reminding me of "a"graceful and weightless ballerina dancing around in a studio. Okay, you desperately need to proof read your work before posting it, there are loads of careless mistakes here you should have gotten rid of.

The sun is at its highest comma filling the air with a soothing warm glow Too many adjectives, don't overdo it. To paint an effective description you need words that will encompass exactly the image in your mind, not a string of words that sort of fit into the scenery. Pick and choose, be specific. The ocean is calm and docile like a sleeping child. I look down at the shimmering transparent blue. The girl staring back seems like a stranger. Her hair is long and dark commaalmost black, her face is slim and her skin is implausibly clear. Her eyes are bright and the color of the ocean. I decide that I am beautiful and perhaps between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. How can she not know her own age? Any chance you could give some background and character development here? I sit upright and listen to the beautiful music in the distance. Notes form from nothingness and swirl around my head. I am giddy with joy, I think I feel more at peace and happy than I have for a long time.

Enormous flowers of bright reds and yellow bloom in the sky, I laugh because this is impossible I cry because it is beautiful. Butterfly’s with colors I’d never knew existed fly over my head, thousands of them. I am weeping now, overcome by sheer joy and happiness.

I float and float on my fairytale ocean.

Then I remember. It hits me like a tidal wave. My fantasy is destroyed and replaced by cruel reality. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. My happiness rushes out of my body just as fast as it had appeared.
I remember who I am and what I must do.
I am a dreamer, my reality is a dream.

I will the raft to float towards the island. Suddenly remembering everything, suddenly my fairytale world doesn’t seem so beautiful anymore, the beauty washed away by repetitiveness. What's repeating itself? I don't understand. But I love the transition from happiness to despair you made, good reflection on your protagonist's emotions there. Something more specific about her thoughts would help too, though.

I finally reach the island and walk of "off" the raft, the sand is white and smooth to the touch. It’s an all too familiar feeling. The single tree on the island is suddenly huge now ,its branches reaching towards the sky and seemingly extending on forever, I walk toward the tree , like I have so many times before. Its branches are a rich dark brown and its leaves a light green. A man appears. Old and withered with age, he has long white hair and an equally long beard. He is dressed in a tattered grey robe held together by a rope tied around his waist.

“Hello Celia.” he says his voice frail and weak
“Hello Mathew.” I say smiling at him

I walk over and embrace him.
“How is reality?’” I ask sitting down

“It seems you never grow tiered of that question, it is boring as always much less interesting than your world here.” Rephrase this sentence, makes no sense he has trouble sitting down so I stand up and help him sit.

“And yet I would do anything to go there.” I say, the reality of my situation weighing down on me.

“Surely there’s away out Celia, I’m sure if you keep trying…..”

“ there is no way out , I have been stuck here for a very long time more than a thousand of your lives put together maybe even since the beginning of time!” I shout and I hate myself for it afterwards What happened to grammar? It's there to help both you and your reader, use it!

“I’m sorry Mathew I didn’t mean to…”

“ It’s okay….” He says sincerity in his eyes.

“Celia I fear this will be the last time I dream of you, possibly the last time I’ll ever dream.”

I nod. This was inevitable. All the boys who dream of me grow old and die to be replaced by the next and the next….

Tears start flowing down my face and I’m weeping again not for happiness this time but for sorrow. I weep for all the boys I’ve watched wither and die, while I stay young and unchanged.
I fall into his arms
“I don’t want you to die, don’t leave me take me with you!” I say clinging to him like a child would to its mother

His old hand rests on my head and he embraces me as hard as his old bones can manage.
“Shhhh it’s okay, you’ll be just fine without me and one day you’ll escape I promise.”

He says and I want to believe him with all my heart. I want to believe that I will someday escape my prison.

“I have to go.” He says and I cling to him even harder.
“You only just got here. Just a while longer, please.” I plead

He kisses my forehead and I feel him slipping away like so many of the others did. His body glistens and then disappears like he was never even there. I get up, wipe my face and walk towards the ocean.

I push my raft into the ocean and climb on, waiting for the next boy to come to me.To wither and then die. Sad but effective ending, I like it

Butterfly’s with colors

I walk toward the tree , like I have so many times before

“I don’t want you to die, don’t leave me take me with you!” I say clinging to him like a child would to its mother