Young Writers Society

all the kids bully me cause of my snout and furry nose , at play time i roam around sniffing people hoping that this action will score me a friend but it dosent . Sometimes when i am alone with my pet brick , i cry . Its not my fault my mums a rat and my dads a human ,im just the unlucky offspring .
Tommorow im gona have a go at winning Jane over , im gona nibbel the back of her neck like rats do to rats before they mate , it has to work this time , its got too .

*twitch* how is that possible for a rat boy... oh yea this is fantasy Fiction, poor little rat kid, i think he is going to get a nice slap to the face when he tries to nibble at the back of her neck

You have some grammar, punctuation and spelling issues ...

all the kids bully me cause of my snout and furry nose , at play time i roam around sniffing people hoping that this action will score me a friend but it dosent . Sometimes when i am alone with my pet brick , i cry . Its not my fault my mums a rat and my dads a human ,im just the unlucky offspring .
Tommorow im gona have a go at winning Jane over , im gona nibbel the back of her neck like rats do to rats before they mate , it has to work this time , its got too .

All the kids bully me because of my snout and furry nose. At play-time I roam around sniffing people, hoping that this action will gain me a friend but it doesn't. Sometimes when I am alone with my pet brick, I cry. It's not my fault my mum's a rat and my dad's a human, I'm just the unlucky offspring.

Tommorow I'm going to have a go at winning Jane over, I'm going to nibble the back of her neck like rats do to other rats before they mate. It has to work this time. It's got to.

I edited this for you. Changed a couple of words because I didn't think "score" really works, unless you want to be really slangy. As a piece of comedy, I thought it was pretty funny. The last line was actually really good. I changed the last two clauses to fragments on their own because I think it makes it more powerful. Of course, this is all suggestions.

I'd extend this if I were you, play around with the humour of being a rat/human - you could have some sort of cheese incident, or being chased by a cat?

Very bad descriptions. No reference to where the protagonist is, what he is doing, basic things that are necessary to give readers a picture of what is happening. The few descriptions are unorganized. Slow down next time.