Young Writers Society

Around 1500 years ago, a great hero was born. Nastrotium a Norse god was born to the son of Thor. Little did Nastrotium know that he was going to be the most praised and famous hero until the Ragnorak. It all started when he was 16 years old, at his fathers training academy. He was a young and ignorant, so he went out to find the Serpent Tooth. It is rumored that once it is in your possession you will have unlimited power, knowledge, money, and fame. Every young adventure’s dream is to find and capture the Serpent Tooth. However, this is no small accomplishment. It is also rumored that it is only possible to possess if you are born to a god, or become a god, making it the hardest and most dangerous object to possess.

When Nastrotium was awakened by the noisy clang of swords and other weaponry, he nearly jumped out of his bed. He was suddenly dazed by the town ablaze. He recovered slowly and quickly suited up in his best armor to help fight in the battle that would ruin his life. The battle was long and bloody, nearly 24 hours of combat. Then the impossible happened. Nastrotium’s dad a powerful man and the god of strength was in the middle of the town and in the heat of a nasty battle. Sweat rushed down his face and arms, Nastrotium jumped in and help fend of the evil from his town. Just before they had won the battle, Nastrotium’s dad was struck down in front of his face. Laying there without a pulse or any breath Nastrotium knew he had lost his dad. Letting loose his “wild side”, he began to fight, not knowing what we was doing because of the stinging tears in his eyes. Nastrotium made quick work of the other evil ones. After what he had done, he slumped to his knees and wept. Slowly he rose, anger in his eyes, he spat and ran out of the academy’s walls. He ran and ran wishing he was dead.

Four long days passed without any food. It began to become unbearable. About 75 miles away from his hometown, he encountered a small fort. He was able to rest, eat, and get supplies. He stayed there for a whole year, trained and prepared for the upcoming years. Saying his goodbyes, he left them a new, stronger man. Now 17 his confidence was boosted. Traveling about 25 miles a day he progressed until he finally reached a forest. Within the forest was a mystery, but he was willing to explore it.

Nastrotium found himself at the entrance of the serpent cave one year later. He doubted that this could be the place. Tired, sweaty, hungry, and thirsty he ventured into the cave. About three miles back in the cave a light hung suspended over a little rock podium. He saw it was the serpent tooth; dashing quickly he thrust his body toward the light. Suddenly, he seemed to be sucked up toward the light. He hung suspended over the heavenly artifact. No one really knows what happened for the next six hours in that cave…but he came out alive and proud. The journey was long and exhausting, but it was well worth the trouble. The reward of the impossible feat preformed was life, money, respect, knowledge, and power. Like most “fairy tales”, this one happened to have a happy ending…for now, but there is a sequel just waiting to be told.

I like this, you can feel his emotion when his faher died, and he let loose his wild side. but at the part where you say, "No one really knows what happened for the next six hours in that cave" it sounded like you were just trying to finish the story, like you were tired of it. But other then that i like it!

Thank's so much....I'll take a look at what I can do to fix the story

Since this is a fantasy short story, it rather fancies children but reading it, I couldn't really place my finger on any morale to be told. The plot's OK, he faces hardship and then achieves what he always dreamed of. You can expand it, you know, and include some sort of morale like, life has its up's and down's but you just gotta hold on and something great'll come your way --- you get the gist. But you DID mention that there's a sequel so I'm looking forward to it. :3 The language and flow was good, imagery wasn't. Putting in a bit more description would be good since this is a fantasy, which means IMAGINATION. Some more of your colors to fill up the void, alright? Now here goes some of my nitpicks:

Nastrotium, a Norse god was born to the son of Thor.

It all started when he was 16 years old, at his father's training academy.

Nastrotium’s dad, a powerful man and the god of strength, was in the middle of the town and in the heat of a nasty battle.

Now 17, his confidence was boosted.

Punctuation, kid. Careful with it.

Little did Nastrotium know that he was going to be the most praised and famous hero until the Ragnorak.

What is the Ragnorak? There isn't any mention of it afterwards whatsoever.

He was suddenly dazed by the town ablaze.

Try avoiding the use of redundant words.

He recovered slowly and quickly suited up in his best armor to help fight in the battle that would ruin his life.

So he took time initially but made it fast otherwise? But still, slowly and quickly in one sentence just doesn't do it for me.

He recovered slowly and quickly suited up in his best armor to help fight in the battle that would ruin his life.

...Nastrotium jumped in and helped fend off the evil from his town.

Nastrotium made quick work of the other evil ones. After what he had done, he slumped to his knees and wept. Slowly he rose, anger in his eyes, he spat and ran out of the academy’s walls.

This, a series of emotions, is packed too tight in two mere lines. I'd advise you to work on them.

Saying his goodbyes, he left them; now a new, stronger man.

Yeah, that's about it.
JJ, you're good. You just need to get better, then you'll be invincible. 8D

-Sam.