iCarlyfan wrote:So i'm reading this out at a youngwriters exhibition tomorrow... i need a lot of confidence! are there any improvements that can be made? if so your help is appreciated!Slowlycomma/ he lowered me to the ground and bent over me and smiled. Stark, the forbidden fruit. I wanted to runcomma but I couldn't, my legs no longer belonged to me. I was his. He revealed his fangs, sharp and deadly, like snakes fangs. He lowered his head and opened his jaw wide enough to bite into the most serious artery in my neck. I couldn't protest. I was helpless to do anything but swallow the pain as he sucked away my life. Frozen like an ice cubecomma? I was becoming numb with death. As my body left me, thoughts drifted to my familycomma? who I'd never see again. My unborn baby brother. My friends. My life. I imagined being found in this dark alley by someone or maybe nobody. Maybe I'd be reported missing for weeks, months, even years. I'd start a new paragraph"Please," I screeched,period instead of comma. "Please Stark, no", but his razor sharp teeth dug deep into my tissue paper skin. I was draining dry.instead of a period I'd put just a comma Becoming an empty carton with all my juice drunk. My last thoughts would be weak but at least as I looked up into his eyescomma I knew I'd die seeing whom I had loved, even if it was wrong, even if he had drunk the essence of my life. Abruptly, Stark pulled away and wiped his month, his eyes still fixed on mine."I wouldn't kill you,” he whispered.I felt dazed; I couldn't see properly… my ears buzzed.Starks blue eyes kept away the excruciating pain that I knew would at any moment erupted in my neck, like a volcano. Dormant and brewing up inside, ready to explode.I waited,period? he paused, then "I can't drain you dry because I love you"Shock. Pain. Horror. Love. I loved him back. I wanted to say “I love you too”… but I couldn’t. In the moment that had passed while he stared into my eyes, I watched his fangs melt back into his mouth."I can give you life", he continued. Then to my horror he stabbed his wrist with a knife, revealing thick, red blood that sparkled like a glistening diamond."Open your mouth", he ordered.Shocked and disoriented I tried to move away, but my physical life was barely possible. I felt my breathing weaken as my heart failed to pump the blood through my empty veins. Stark pressed his wrist to my mouth "Drink damn you. I give you life".I opened my month and let the blood change from a drip to the flow of a sparkling river of red sunlight. Every nerve in my body prickled and shone with new life. There was no metallic taste as with human blood, only the sweetness of my lover's nectar bringing back my life. I was a fool to love him. I was a fool to follow him out here in the middle of the night. Stupid idiotic and dumb. I wanted to drink forever, but too soon Stark pulled away. My natural impulse was follow him, stand by him, and I was shocked to find myself standing. My body shaking with a vitality and strength I had only ever imagined. I glanced down at my skin, white as snow, smooth as silk. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling for knots, but none could be found. "Welcome to my world", Stark grinned. "You weren't dead for long".Please review it would be helpful!
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