Deceptions Twin

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Heyy, this needs some reviewing and creative criticism! Please and thank-you :D

Cool water lapsed against her feet uncomfortably, making Faia shiver. The moon hung in the sky like a great bulb, casting a strip of moonlight onto the expanse of water before her. Aside from the waves crashing on the shore, it was silent. There was no rustle of the wind in trees, no birds calling out to one another, no crackling of fire. Where the hell am I?
Faia didn’t recognize anything. The smell of salt alerted her that the body of water before her was the ocean. She’d never seen the ocean before, only heard people talk about it.
She was standing alone on a sandy beach, barefoot and ankle deep in water. Her normal warrior outfit had been replaced with a flimsy white gown that exposed her arms and lower legs. Her heart was pounding away in her chest with panic. She rarely felt panic. Her life was so peaceful.
“Faia of Shalagaphor,” croaked a rasping voice behind her. She tensed, surprised. She was always “Faia of Clory.”
Quickly focusing on the spot where the voice was sounding from behind her, whipped around and struck out with her bare and unprotected fist. She didn’t strike anything, but air. She swallowed hard, breaths coming in short pants and sweat trickling from her neck and brow.
“Don’t fall into the fire,” whispered the rasping voice right beside her.
“What the hell do you mean? Where are you?,” shouted Faia, confused and frustrated. “And where am I?”
“Find the Incarnai. They’ll give you the answers.” The voice seemed to be spinning around her.
“Who are the Incarnai? Show yourself and tell me!” She was screaming now.
“Don’t fall into the fire. It’ll be your end. Fire will destroy everything.”
“Show yourself!” Faia lunged forward onto the beach, hands groping in the empty air. Her eyes shot open into darkness. Blindfolded. Her head was throbbing horribly and her stomach felt like it were tied in a knot. She groaned. Damn. I forgot that we’d been caught. What the hell was up with that dream though? It felt so- she paused, thinking for a word. “Real.”
Her wrists and shoulders were screaming in agony from being tied behind her back and it was amazing that she’d actually fallen asleep. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, she calmed her pounding heart and slowed her rapid breathing.
She’d been out keeping watch at Ticopa Bridge with Gath and Shio earlier that day and been attacked by bandits. They had taken Shio hostage, making Faia and Gath surrender their weapons with Shio’s life in mind. They beat Shio severely and knocked Faia unconscious. She woke up to find herself blindfolded with her hands bound in what she assumed to be a cart. She had been half conscious and unable to talk because of the pain in her end for hours, until drifting off to sleep. Straining her ears, Faia tried to determine if anyone was near her. All she could hear was the cart moving beneath her. “Gath,” she hissed, hoping to catch his attention if he was with her. There was no answer. “Gath!” she hissed louder. “You there?”
Someone started coughing to her left. “Faia? That you?”
“Yeah. You hurt?” Although she didn’t show it, relief was flowing through her. At least Gath was alive. She didn’t know if Shio was, but she assumed that they had left her behind since they beat her pretty throughly.
“They clubbed me in the head pretty hard. Other than the fact that speaking hurts, my head feels like it’s going to burst open and my stomach is doing laps, I’m fine. You?”
“Same as you. Hey, do you know who the Incarnai are?” She’d heard the word before, but never thought to ask it’s meaning. She’d heard it in history class in Clory, her home town, but she’d never payed much attention.
A booming and deep laugh sounded. “The Incarnai? Ha. Why the hell are you thinking about those damned bastards?”
The mans voice sounded odd. It wasn’t perfect Shalan and held an accent Faia wasn’t fully knowledgeable of. She tensed all over, ready to receive a kick or hit of some sort. It never came, instead, the man continued to go on about the Incarnai. She listened attentively.
“The Incarnai are magic users kid. Could kill you with the blink of an eye. Vicious folk they were. They’ve vanished off the surface of the planet though. Killed a whole lot of people while they were at it. Haven’t been seen in hundreds of years now. Why ya thinking about em?”
The cart hit a pothole and Faia’s head hit the floor hard, making pain lash through her body and stars dance before her eyes, which began to drift shut.
“Oi, kid! Answer the question!” Someone grasped her hair and yanked her head up. She lost consciousness then.


Faia had been drifting in and out of consciousness for a while now. She was no longer on a cart now. Everything was quiet and nothing was moving anymore. Her head was beginning to stop spinning so she attempted to open her eyes. Sunlight immediately blinded her and she snapped her eyes back shut, cringing. She opened her eyes slowly this time, aware of the sunlight this time.
Finally, she managed to fully open her eyes and gather her bearings. She was no longer blind-folded, but in a stone cell with her hands bound above her head attached to a metal loop hanging from the wall.
All of her fighting gear had been taken away, even her leather hunting vest. Her arm and shin guards had even been taken as well, although they didn’t serve much purpose when your tied up and in enemy hands.
The cell was small, probably meant for around six people. A large, wooden door occupied the wall left of Faia, with bulky and rusty hinges. On the opposite wall there was three other metal loops, a small window with thick bars above the middle one, the source of the sunlight which was shinning directly on Faia. At least it was keeping her warm.
Faia slowly moved her head, afraid that it would flare up in pain, to look on either side of her. Gath was tied beside her and she sighed inwardly, relieved that he was still with her. She hated being alone. His head was resting on his chest, which was slowly raising and falling and Faia sighed out loud. His shaggy blond hair was falling forward to cover his face and the hair at the back of his head was matted with dried blood from when the bandits had hit him.
“Gath, wake up,” Faia whispered hoarsely, her voice sounding distant even to herself.
He moved slightly, but didn’t wake. Faia tilted her head back so that it rested on the cold rock, soothing the throbbing pain that was now coursing through her skull and closed her eyes. A cloud passed over the sun or something blocked the window because the cell became dark then. The only light that was coming into the cell now was from a tiny barred window on the door.
She tried to rotate her shoulders, but they flared in pain as soon as she moved them. Blinking back tears, she tried to move her fingers. It didn’t hurt too much, and they hadn’t tied her that tight. If her shoulders weren’t in so much pain, she would be able to undo her bounds with no effort at all.
She took a deep breath, exhaled, and then yanked downwards. The pain was bearable, but it still hurt. As soon as her hands were down, Faia collapsed on the floor breathing heavily. She could feel her blood pulsing through her as her arms began to regain feeling and the pain began to diminish. Moving her arms and hands slowly, her arms regained complete feeling and she began to inspect her writs. They were worn raw where the bonds had been, but would heal in time. If she had time.
Pushing herself up, Faia crawled over to Gath. “Oi! Come on sleepy head, wake up,” said Faia, her voice uneven and scratchy. She knelt in front of him and hesitated. If he were hurt badly, she wouldn’t want to move him, but when they were on the cart he had said he wasn’t hurt. Buck up, Faia. Better to untie him while he’s unconscious. Just to reassure herself that he was unconscious, she slid her fingers under his chin and lifted his face up.
His hair was still covering half his face, but Faia’s heart had already began to pound. Blood mattered his hair and dried on his lower face and shirt. “Hey, Gath. Can you hear me?” she said clearly and more loudly than intended. She glanced over towards the door. It was quiet, so no one had heard her.
Hesitantly, she switched hands so that her left was supporting his head and brushed back his hair cautiously with her right. His usual bright blue eyes were closed and there was a gash above his right eye. It didn’t look deep and she assumed his hair had stopped the blood flow. He wasn’t as hurt as she had been led to believe. Head wounds always bled more.
She smiled to herself and let his head fall back onto his chest. She reached up and stated to undo his bonds. Like hers, they weren’t done tightly. She had his arms out quickly and he started to slid sideways. Faia caught him and laid him down carefully, looking him over for other wounds. She found none, other than minor scrapes and bruises.
He was also stripped of all his gear and padded armor. She brushed the hair out of his face and started to look at his wound, which had started to bleed again. Not expecting to find anything, she looked around the cell for something to staunch the bleeding. Finding nothing, she seized hold of the bottom of her too long trousers and tore two strips off. She folded the first one to make a pad and pressed it to the wound. With the second, she wrapped it around Gathious’s head to hold the makeshift pad in place.
“Good enough,” she murmured to herself, admiring her work. She’d taken care of the injured in this sort of situation before. Three years go, when she had been twelve, her group of warriors in training had been caught by passing bandits and taken hostage. That had only lasted a day though. Rescue came shortly. But in this situation, where the bandits had traveled great distance and seemed to have their own hideout, she wasn’t sure rescue was coming.
She settled down next to him, rubbing her arms and leant back onto the stone wall. It sucked the heat from her burning body. Her stomach shot occasional pangs of pain and her throat was burning. If only they had some water. Falling asleep sounded impossible, so she occupied herself by pulling Gath’s hair from under his makeshift bandage and she attempted to wash the blood from his face with spit. Her mouth was to dry though.
Suddenly there was yelling outside the cell door. Faia instantly became alert and rose to her feet. She didn’t want to walk over to the door, incase it was opened, but it was tempting her. She couldn’t make out the words yet, the voices were still to far away, but were coming closer.
In what seemed like forever for Faia, she was able to identify words.
“One person. One. And it was a hassle to even get him. What the hell were they thinking? They could have just left him, or better yet, killed him and taken some easy catch.” The voice was heavily accented.
The voices faded for a moment. “... isn’t a very large town you know.” It was a different man talking this time, and he spoke better Shalan, but was quieter.
“Yeah, yeah. Shut your trap. I still think they could have caught more than one kid. Ha. He’s pretty tiny too.”
“Don’t touch me you fat cow.” It sounded like a younger boy now. He didn’t have an accent, meaning he was from Shalagaphor.
“Your lucky I’m in a good mood today. If you said that to anyone else, they would have beat you.” There was no reply. Faia could hear heavy footsteps coming closer now and she had a sickening feeling that they were coming to her cell. “Oi! Say something kid. Be thankful or something.”
“Thankful? Are you joking? I’m anything but thankful right now. You’ve got me tied up, blindfo-”
“Shut it kid, or I might change my mind and beat you anyways. Demetri, go get some water and food. Can’t have them young’ins dying on us.” There was a low chuckle and the sound of keys hitting each other. Something dark covered the small window on the cell door, cutting off all light into the cell. They were coming into this cell. Damn everything. Why this cell? At least they said they were bringing food and water. Faia sank down onto the wall beside Gathious and hoped that they wouldn’t care that they weren’t tied up.
There was a great deal of shuffling outside the door and the lock clicked on the door, which swung open. The whole cell was lit up with light and Faia shut her eyes without a seconds though. “In you go brat,” said the man with the thicker accent. “Demetri! What the hell is taking you so long?”
“Sorry Dracov! Stupid taps broken. I’ll be a moment longer!” came the faint reply.
“Brat. Into to the cell,” said Dracov and Faia opened her eyes a slit to see the man. He was tall with a protruding stomach and a thick ginger mustache. Faia couldn’t see any symbols on him to inform her where he was from. He didn’t look like your normal bandit either. More well kept and looked as if he had more expensive gear She couldn’t see the boy, only his shadow beside Dracov. She was curious. He seemed to have spunk.
“Into the cell. Now!,” Dracov pronounced more clearly in Shalan. “I don’t know why they bother with you.” He yanked on a rope he was holding and frowned. “If you’re going to be stubborn, I’ll lose my temper and it won’t be pretty, alright kid? Oh, wait. Let Demetri in first.”
A short man pushed his way around Dracov, a bucket of water and a loaf of bread in his arms. He didn’t even look over to Faia and Gathious. As soon as he was clear of the door, he set the food and water down and sprinted out of the cell, almost as if he were scared of the cell itself.
“Now in you go.” Dracov sighed, clearly trying to keep his temper.
“No. I don’t want to go into the cell you fat cow.”
“You stupid brat, just get into the damned cell!” snarled Dracov, yanking on the rope quite forcefully. A boy stumbled forward into sight, his blindfold falling to the ground. Dracov grabbed his shoulder and threw the boy into the cell, who landed awkwardly on the ground. “I told you to listen to me and I’m even being nice.” Dracov started towards the boy and Faia tried to tear her eyes away, not wanting to watch. Either the boy was going to be beat, or killed.
Dracov loomed over the boy, kicked him in the ribs and reached down, grabbing the boys hair and yanking his head up. He drew back a fist, ready to hit the boy when Faia, without thinking, yelled,” Stop! Just leave him alone!”
Dracov looked up, startled. No one had noticed Faia and Gath in the cell. He let go of the boys hair, who fell to the ground coughing and glared at Faia. She shrunk, wondering if he was going to come and attack her next. Instead, he stomped out of the cell, slamming the door and locking it behind him. The window on the wall was lit again, letting sunlight flow back into the cell.
She darted over to the boy, who had managed to undo his bonds by himself and had propped himself up on one elbow, his back to Faia. He was still coughing. “Hey, you okay?” she asked, reaching out to touch his shoulder, but as soon as her hand neared his shoulder, he jerked away and spun to face her. Faia couldn’t help but stare at him.
He had shaggy yet spiky red-brown hair, like burning embers, that flared out and obscured most of his forehead and fell into his eyes, which were dark blue/green. His face was narrow and angular, with dark shadows under his eyes and high cheek bones. Like both Faia and Gath, he was stripped of all gear and armor except for a white long-sleeved tunic, dark hunting trousers, and leather boots. He was handsome.
“What?” he snapped, sitting up and whipping blood from his mouth. His eyes didn’t meet hers.
“Oh, nothing. You okay?” she said quickly, snapping from her daze.
“Fine,” he said back curtly, shaking his head and pushing himself up to his feet. He wobbled, but steadied himself quickly.
“Yeah, fine. Of coarse. You were just beaten and your fine,” said Faia sarcastically without thinking. She rose to her feet as well and frowned. He was shorter than her. Almost all the boys that she knew her age were taller than her. It occurred that he might be younger than her. “How old are you?”
“Don’t ask questions,” he snapped back while limping over to the food and water.
Faia followed him. “Come on, how old are you? I’m fifteen. Oh yeah, and my names Faia. What’s yours?” She didn’t want to bother him to much, but wanted at least some information about their new cell mate.
“Same age as you.” He knelt beside the bucket, dipped his hands in and brought them back up to his face full of water. He drank quickly and quietly, grabbed a chunk of bread and limped over to the far and darkest corner of the cell.
Faia hesitantly drank her fill, considering the possibility that it might be drugged or poisoned, grabbed some bread and followed the boy. He scowled but didn’t say anything. “And your name?”
“It’s none of your concern.”
“Whatever. Your name now?” she mumbled through a mouthful of bread. It was stale, but not moldy. Once she spent some time getting to know the boy, she would try to get Gath to drink some water.
“Shut it and leave me alone.” He began to eat the stale bread along with her, while sitting down in the corner slowly. He moved slowly and cautiously, obviously in pain.
“Nah. Just tell me your name and I’ll leave you alone, kay?” She hated dealing with stubborn people. Without thinking, she plucked the bread from his hands and held it up. “Name now?”
He glared up at her and she began to rethink taking the bread. He looked like he might attack her. “Nethal,” he spat, holding out his hand for the bread, which she gave him.
“Thanks,” she said, heading back over to Gath and smiled to herself despite the situation.




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You have a two different types of Point of View's. First person and third person limited. You got to stick to one point of view or it will distract you reader. Aside from that though it is written really well. The only problem I have is that it is written to averagely. Not the word choice, sentence structure, etc. But it just reminds me of other authors. Especially Herbie Brennan author of the Faerie Wars Chronicles. It is both fantasy and maybe that is why. But you and him have a very similar writing style. I like the way Ellen Hopkins writes. She wrote Crank, Identical, Glass, etc. (I don't know if you know what certain authors wrote ,so I include that in there.) :D




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Hiya Faia! I'm Rosey, and I'll be reviewing this work today.

Where the hell am I?


~ Since these are her thoughts, they should be in italics.

~ I'm not to fond of seeing "hell" in fantasy. "Hell" is a rather Earth-bound term, with Christianity and all, so seeing it in a fantasy where there is no Christianity is jerky. That goes for your use of "hell" throughout the work, as well as "damn," since that's another Christan thing. (Note- I won't be pointing out all the swearing in here, just because there is a lot. Almost too much)

Her life was so peaceful.


If she's trained as a warrior, how can her life be peaceful? Since women were rarely allowed to be warriors, I'd think her life is pretty threat-ridden if she's trained as a warrior.

She tensed, surprised. She was always “Faia of Clory.”


With that first line, you seem to imply that she's had other names.

She didn’t strike anything, but air.


This comma isn't needed.

I forgot that we’d been caught.


Thoughts again. Every time you see "I" in a line, since this is third person, you need to put those lines in italics. (This will be the last time I point that out)

“Real.”


You could loose the quotes around this line. They aren't needed.

She’d been out keeping watch at Ticopa Bridge with Gath and Shio earlier that day and been attacked by bandits. They had taken Shio hostage, making Faia and Gath surrender their weapons with Shio’s life in mind. They beat Shio severely and knocked Faia unconscious.


I'd make this description have slightly shorter sentences, so it's not so hard to read.

She woke up to find herself blindfolded with her hands bound in what she assumed to be a cart.


You just said she'd been blindfolded in the paragraph beforehand.

“They clubbed me in the head pretty hard. Other than the fact that speaking hurts, my head feels like it’s going to burst open and my stomach is doing laps, I’m fine. You?”


~ If speaking hurts, why is he talking so much? (And, why is she talking so much, for that matter)

~ I'm not completely sure who's talking. Add a tag to this line so we know.

She’d heard it in history class in Clory, her home town, but she’d never payed much attention.


I'd explain why they have school in a town, and why a girl is attending it. Back in the day, private tutors would only educate the upper-class.

It wasn’t perfect Shalan and held an accent Faia wasn’t fully knowledgeable of.


In this line, you imply that Shalan is the main language of the land. I'd clear that up, so we aren't left wondering what each language means.

Faia had been drifting in and out of consciousness for a while now. She was no longer on a cart now.


"Now" is a bit repetitive here.

She opened her eyes slowly this time, aware of the sunlight this time.


"Time" is a bit repetitive here.

She was no longer blind-folded,


This line was implied by the fact she was blinded when she opened her eyes. You can nix it.

even her leather hunting vest. Her arm and shin guards had even been taken as well


"Even" is a bit repetitive here.

which was slowly raising and falling and Faia sighed out loud.


I'd delete the "and" here and replace it with a period.

If her shoulders weren’t in so much pain, she would be able to undo her bounds with no effort at all.


When she gets out, it seems to be no effort. I'd add on to the description of her getting out (making it seem more painful), so this line doesn't seem to redundant.

She could feel her blood pulsing through her as her arms began to regain feeling and the pain began to diminish.


This is a problem I've noticed in the second part (when she's in the cell). You use long, rather hard to read sentences. Loose some of the "and"s and other connective words so things are easier to read.

Moving her arms and hands slowly, her arms regained


"Arms" is a bit repetitive here.

Pushing herself up, Faia crawled over to Gath. “Oi! Come on sleepy head, wake up,” said Faia, her voice uneven and scratchy.


This line is what I call "double tagged," which is when you have a description of the person speaking before and after the dialogue. I'd put the dialogue on a new line, just so that doesn't happen. ^_^

Buck up, Faia.


I believe she's telling this to herself? If that case, it's a thought. *Points to nit-pick about about thoughts*

He wasn’t as hurt as she had been led to believe.


Where had she been lead to believe that he'd been hurt badly? (It really feels like I'm missing something there...)

To avoid that, add in more explanation before.

She smiled to herself and let his head fall back onto his chest.


I don't think "Fall" is the right adjective here. It implies that Faia doesn't care if his already banged-up head gets banged around more, when you've told us that she does care. Replace the adjective, please. ^_^

She reached up and stated


"Started"

Not expecting to find anything, she looked around the cell for something to staunch the bleeding.


The order of these phrases feels off. I'd rewrite is as: "She looked around the cell for something to stop the bleeding, not expecting to find anything."

The italicized word is where I fixed a typo, btw.

around Gathious’s head


Since you called him "Gath" before, seeing his full name is a bit confusing.

*Since this work is a bit long, I'm going to stop my nit-pick review here. The recommended length for literary works is 1,500*

Sentence Lengths: A lot of your sentences in the cell scene were a bit long and hard to completely understand. At the moment, you need to read things twice to completely understand everything. Try to limit sentences to only two ideas. That way, readers can understand things more.

Realism: You're pretty good at having the world seem "natural" to the characters. That means they live their lives and they don't seem to know anything different. But, natural to the characters isn't necessarily natural to us. When a reader picks up a fantasy book that seems to be set in the Middle Ages, they expect ladies to stay at home, education to be poor, and a bunch of other stuff. Do some more research into what happened during the Middle Ages, and then add in whatever explanation/alteration that is needed.

I was put off by the amount of swearing in here. It's not so much the amount, but the words used. Since they are Christan in origin, and this world probably doesn't have Christianity, it seems like a bad mix.

The way people move and talk here, with injuries, feels a bit wrong. Readers begin to think that they're not hurt so badly if they can talk a lot if talking is painful, and they can get out of bonds while their shoulders hurt. Try to dig up some facts on the subject so your characters feel less super-human.

Overall: I enjoyed this! The plot flowed well and the writing style was smooth. There were some issues, but this idea has a lot of promise.

PM me if you have any questions, or if you want to ask about the norms for the time period.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hi, I'll review you today! :D

First of all, thoughts.
Where the hell am I?
This should be italizied. I'll not mention that anymore.

Cool water lapsed against her feet uncomfortably, making Faia shiver.
Cool is more of a comfortable term. I'd switch this to "Cold" or "Freezing". You could also remove "uncomfortably".

Her heart was pounding away in her chest with panic. She rarely felt panic. Her life was so peaceful.

Delete one of the "panics". It was a bit repetitive. Also, as Rosey pointed out, the life of a warrior is not peaceful.
“Don’t fall into the fire,” whispered the rasping voice right beside her.
You've used "rasping" already. You can nix it, because you only need one really good description. Also, you've already said the voice was behind her. Describe her movement, or the movement of the voice. That can be done easily in one sentence, like, "She felt a wind as the voice appeared to move."

Your lucky I’m in a good mood today. If you said that to anyone else, they would have beat you.” There was no reply.
At the beginning of this sentence, you used "Your". It should have been "You're", meaning "You are." That happens a few times, but I'll only say it once. Every time you see that, ask yourselk if you could use the words "You are" instead.

“Sorry Dracov!
Comma there. :D



I like this story! It's got a very good fantasy element, with good characters, settings, and plot. Please PM me when you write more! :D
Some say the written word is dead, and only spoken can it be made alive. But, when you read, is the story dead? Are the characters just ink? No, it is something more. The written word is what worlds are made of. If you don't believe me, read a book.




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Awesome story! good job.

Content was awesome, looks like a perfect or close to perfect start to a nice nasty plot.

Only thing is watch out for that detail. Lots of detail is good, but lots of detail in one scene and none in another is not that attractive. Im not saying you have done that its just a helpful reminder.

You may want to add a bit more detail though.

And i think thats all!

Awesome job! please please PM when you get more chapters up.
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed



If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket