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Shadow Walker



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Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:55 pm
Skell says...



My grammer is not the best, but i have tried to find most mistakes. please read and enjoy. Dont hesitate to post a comment.
If you have a comment on the names though, i would just like to say, there is a good reason they are mixed. Leter in the book its explained.



“Surrender!” his magically enhanced voice was heard by all.

John stood facing the front gate of the fortress, his black robes whipping around him in the wind.

On the castle walls stood three hundred men at arms, wearing the black and grey livery of the Duke of Venar.

“Leave these lands before we send you to the halls of the dead.”

“You are one man, you cannot take this castle alone, no matter how powerful you are.” shouted a man from above the gate.

This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man, wearing heavy armour stepped out onto the battlements.

“Why have you come here to our lands?” he shouted, a voice used to giving orders.

“I have come because I want a kingdom to go with my power, what other reason do I need?” The lie came easily, it was too early for his true reasons to be known.
John left no pause for an answer to be given by the Duke, he knew that this could only end in one way. By the setting of the sun this night he would have the first part of his empire.

“If I must I will take your Dukedom by force,” said John.

“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke in reply,

“WRONG!” roared John enhancing his voice with magic, so that it shook the very ground.

Drawing on the magic within himself, John threw up a barrier around his body, then taking more magic, felt it flow with his thoughts, his will, a small spark flashed in the palm of his hand rapidly growing into a large ball of swirling fire.

Looking the Duke directly in the eyes John stretched his hand out towards him, the fireball shot through the air and exploded just before it reached the Duke.

“You see,” he bellowed, “I have a magician of my own, you cannot take my castle or my lands. Now run along before I change my mind and decide to have you killed.”

John simply smiled, at least this would be a bit of fun. Drawing of even more magic John didn’t bother to shape it, he simply threw it at the shield around the duke. There was no finesse in what he was doing, it was the magical equivalent of a brawl. John threw a constant flow of magic at the barrier, betting that the Duke’s magician was no where near as strong.

John felt the barrier falter, smiling now John could see the magician on the wall. Sweat dripping down his brow, his power would fail him soon and then John would finish off the pesky Duke.

And there is was, the flash of pain across the magicians face just as his power fails, luckily for him John only wanted to kill the Duke.

There was a loud crack and a bright flash of light, with all the magical energy been thrown at the barrier a storm had been created above the castle, dark ominous clouds. Playing out the battle high above in the sky. With the crack of lightning the shield fell. John drawing on his magic again created another ball of fire. This time there was no barrier to shield the Duke, taking the full force of the fire, the Duke was thrown from the battlements, his cries of pain ended with the wet smack of his body on the ground below.

The frontier Dukes’ were all the same, they stood with their men in the front lines fighting side by side with there soldiers. It sounded so valiant, but in truth it was stupid, without clear leadership the men under the Duke’s command were not sure what to do, should they keep fighting or was the battle lost with the death of there leader?.

A stunned silence followed until John quietly said, “Now open my gates,” even though his voice was quiet it still reached the ears of every man, woman and child in the castle

“How do we know you won’t kill us all after we open the gates?” asked someone from atop of the gates.

“Have I injured any here except for the Duke?” John asked, surveying the line of men on the walls, “Have I done anything but give you the chance to become my new capital? I haven’t injured your families or your friends.”

John could see a quiet argument starting between several of the officers standing on the battlements. None of them wanted to die, but John had just killed their Duke and a good Duke at that.

“You just killed someone who was a friend to almost every man here,” yelled down the man who John guessed was now in charge.

“To create an empire some people have to die,” said John, his patience was wearing thin, “Who will let their new Lord in?”

Again John could see heated arguing but this time he also saw a man quietly walk up behind the man who had been talking to John and slip a blade into his back.
That seemed to end the argument, the gate began to open, John walked forward, his shield still set around him in case any of the soldiers got any ideas.

Three men where waiting on the other side of the gate, one who was dressed in armour stepped forward.
“My lord, sorry for the delay, some members of the castle had difficulty with the change of sovereignty,” he paused waiting for some sign of understanding from John.
With a nod John indicated that he understood exactly what the man had meant.

“I am Squire Gerith Kilarn,” he said bowing, “This is housecarl James, in charge of all the servants in the castle,” he said indicating an old scrawny man, with only thin white hair and a deeply wrinkled face.
“And this is, was, the Duke’s Advisor,” he said pointing to the third man, John knew immediately that it was the magician.

Looking at the housecarl John said, “Have the Duke’s rooms cleaned, and all his belongings removed.” John then turned his attention to the magician, the housecarl understood that he had been dismissed and hurried to do as his new Lord had commanded.

“You should rest before the evening meal. I will wish to talk to you then.” Said John, the man nodded thankfully, it would take almost a day for him to fully recover.

Turing his attention back to the Squire John asked, “Are the men at arms going to be a problem?”

Shacking his head Gerith said “No my Lord, only a hundred of these men were the Duke’s, the rest are men under my command. The Duke sent word to his Barons that an enemy was approaching. The lands of Kilarn are only two days ride from here and Baron Payan sent me with his men to reinforce the Duke’s castle until the other barons could arrive.”

“And who was the man you, silenced?” asked John, looking carefully at the Squires eyes.

The Squires face remained impassive but his eyes displayed his worry. “He was the castle's Swordmaster.”

“What would happen to you should I be killed and another Duke be elected?” asked John, he could guess but he wanted to make sure that Geirth understood that his life lay with John remaining alive and in power.

To his credit Gerith didn’t hesitate in answering “I would be hung for treason and murder.”

John stood quietly looking at Gerith for another minute before talking again.
“Go and tell the towns people that they can return to there homes and make sure its known that I am now in charge, if I tell one of your men to do something and he disobeys I will assume that he and all the other soldiers are rebelling. So keep the Duke’s men out of the castle.”

Bowing Gerith said “I will send them to inform the Barons of the change in leadership.”

He left to pass out the new orders, leaving John to admire his new castle. It was all grey stone and large walls but with its size the rooms must be huge and John would make sure that they were all well furnished.

A small boy came scurrying out of the large double doors that John guessed lead to the main hall.

“James has assigned me to be your guide,” said the boy, a fearful look on his face, he couldn’t have been more them twelve years old. He had light blond hair and strong green eyes.

“Is there anywhere you would like me to show you my Lord?” said the boy.

Smiling John said, “Yes, could you show me where the Duke’s rooms are, I would like to have a word with the newly widowed Lady,” The boy clearly didn’t understand the second part of what John had said, news of the Duke’s death would take more then just a few minutes to spread. Still bowed and said, “This way my Lord.”

Leading him through the large doors John saw that he had been right, beyond the doors was the great hall, with large rising pillars stretching there way up along the walls and arching across the high ceiling. Only a few tapestries adorned the walls but the raised table at the end of the hall was of rich golden wood.
This place had a lot of potential thought John, already reordering the hall and its furnishings in his mind.

The boy lead him through a side door and up several flights of stairs, when they reached the third floor the boy said “This is the Duke’s,” he quickly corrected himself, “I mean your floor my Lord, all the rooms on this floor are connected. Only those with your permission are allowed on this floor.”

“Thank you……”

“Derrick,” supplied the boy,

“Thank you Derrick, would you mind waiting here for a few minutes,” asked John,

Going red again Derrick said, “The housecarl said my duties in the kitchen were to wait until you dismissed me.”

The former Duke apartments where mostly dull, they were plain in the typical soldiers fashion, with only the essentials. The main room had a square strong table with four wooden chairs, they were practical but not something John would want to spend long hours sitting in. Otherwise the room had very little in it.

Walking through the apartments John saw a group of servants moving piles of clothing and other personal items out of different rooms. Seeing the housecarl John approached him.

“Remove all the tables and chairs but leave any books or writings, I prefer lavish furnishing to the practical. I am sure that in some of the guest rooms there must be a few good padded chairs and a decent table.”

“Yes my Lord,” said James
Just as James was leaving the room a tall lady walked into it, there was no mistaking her as anyone else. She was defiantly the Duke’s widow.

“How dare you,” she screeched, “Get out, get out, get out!” she yelled over and over again.

“Hold your tongue or I will remove it!” roared John, the Duke’s widow jumped back her whole body pressed against the wall, shaking she was so tense.

“The king will kill you,” she said in a quiet voice, no more then a mumble.

“Will he now, I would love to see that gift less fool try and kill anything with even half my power,” said John his anger still vibrating in his voice. His temper had always been quick to rise.

John calmed himself down before continuing.
“If I hear you speak without my permission again I will have you given to the criminals in the city dungeon, do you understand?” John said, making his voice as cold as possible.

He could see her visible cringe as a chill ran up her spin.
The entire room had gone quiet, every servant stood like rocks hoping not to draw Johns anger. They were all listening to the exchange with intently ears and whatever was said in this room would shortly spread through the castle.

“I expect to see you and your daughter in the hall this evening, you can arrange with James as to which room you want your stuff moved.” John said as he moved away from the Duchess.

“I,” she took a deep breath, “I don’t have a daughter.”

She whimpered as he quickly turned on her.

“Then who is that,” he said pointing to a young woman in a servant uniform.
“She certainly isn’t a servant, she stands too tall and hasn’t got a clue what she is supposed to do. If she truly isn’t your daughter then I should have her removed since she is of no use as a servant.”
When John saw that the widow wasn’t going to admit it he continued.

“She has the same light brown hair as you and, unlike anyone else I’ve seen in this castle she has soft brown eyes. You are the only person in this room with those eyes.”

Walking over to the young woman John grabbed her hand, holding it up he said, “These are the hands of a woman who has never had to spend the entire day scrubbing pots and cleaning cloths,” John ignored the young woman’s pleas and promises that she was only a servant, he kept his eyes locked with the widow.

“James,” said John raising his voice.

One of the servants quietly walked over to a rope and pulled on it three times. It obviously part of a system to call servants, John would have to remember to learn the code of pulls.

James arrived within less then a minute, there must be a servant’s passage in the walls, James didn’t look like he had just climbed three flights of stairs.

“Yes my Lord?” he said bowing,

“Take the Duke’s daughter and get her out of those servants’ cloths and into something of her own. I’m sure you have her belongings hidden somewhere nearby.”

As James shuffled her out of the room John said.
“We will have a word about you trying to hide her later, but let me assure you again that my intention is not to harm anyone,” James gave a stiff node in reply before disappearing into the next room.

“The rest of you out for now, I wish to speak with the Duke’s widow alone,”
The Servants rushed out closing the door as they left.

They both stood in silence for several minutes until John said “I am, sorry for killing your husband but he would not give up his province without a fight,” actual sorrow could be heard in his voice.

“Do not try and make excuses for what you did, you killed a good man and nothing you say will lessen your punishment in death, when you are judged in the afterlife for your crimes none will stand in your defence and no power you have will save you from the punishment you deserve,” her voice of filled with anger and sounded as if it was about to break.

“What is your name?” asked John, all trace of sorrow gone, his voice was calm and clear.

Standing straighter she said, “I am Anna Elwood, daughter of Duke Zealer and widow of Duke Payan.”

“How old are you?” asked John suddenly curious, she didn’t look anywhere near as old as the Duke.

She had a thoughtful look on her face as she tried to figure out why John would ask such a question and in what way he could use it.

Finally she gave up, she couldn’t see anyway he could use her age to his advantage, he could ask any servant in the castle and they would gladly tell him.

“I am thirty two years old.”

“And your daughter?” asked John,

Anna’s face suddenly turned hard, “You leave her alone,” her voice had become just as hard as her face.

John wanted to say, “Or what,” but he rained in his urge to scar her, he had no reason to hurt anyone else, not unless they forced him to.

“Your daughter is perfectly safe, I am not stupid. If people started to hear that I was killing young woman they would be less likely to accept my control,”

John turned away from Anna and started towards the door, he didn’t want to stay in the same room as the Duke’s widow for any longer then he had to. Her cold accusing looks felt like knifes to his heart, slowly cracking his composure. Opening the door he turned back and giving Anna one last warning.

“Do not try and arrange my death or fuel ideas of revolt against my rule, it will only lead to more death.”
Before she could reply he left.

John found Derrick sitting on the steps dozing.

“Take me down to the kitchens,” said John.

With a nod Derrick set off down the stairs, John a step behind him.

The kitchens were huge. They had obviously been built to feed thousands in the event of a siege. Two large fires dominated one side of the massive room. Both with large animals slowly rotating on large spits which were being turned by unfortunate kitchen boys, almost thirty people were rushing about trying to prepare the evening meals. One for the men at arms garrisoned in the castle and another for the people of rank, the smells were intoxicating, the rich aroma of the cooking meat, mixed with the warm smell of spices.
John almost couldn’t wait for the evening meal but he wasn’t stupid, he knew that some servant with misplaced loyalties to the dead Duke would probably try to slip something into his food.

“Who is the head cook?” asked John,

Derrick pointed to a large man standing over several other people who looked as if they wished they were anywhere but in the kitchens.
He wasn’t a big man but his face was flushed red with anger and John could see he had a temper to watch. His hair was thinning out and he had a round belly, but neither did anything to lessen his aura of command in the kitchens.

John quietly walked over to the group he was yelling at, the man abruptly stopped talking when all the kitchen staff he was reprimanding turned completely white, turning around he saw John.

Over his shoulder he yelled, “Back to work you lazy sods,” then up at John he said, “and what is it the new Lord wants down in my kitchens?”

“I would just like to make it clear that if, through some old loyalty to the former Duke, you or one of your staff attempts to slip something into my food, or in anyway try to poison me, I will make you sit and watch as I roast each and everyone of them on those spits,” Smiling coldly down at the cook John asked, “is that understood?”

Small beads of sweat had formed on the cooks brow, “Of course my Lord,” he said bowing, fear obvious in his voice, and why shouldn’t it be, John had only given them reason to fear him since he arrived here.

The conflict that had been going on inside Johns head for months and still he hadn’t been able to end it. The more people who knew what was happening the greater the danger that it would all fall apart.

The cook had rushed off while John had been thinking, probably to try and stop what ever it was he had planed.

John let out a sigh, all he wanted to do was sit down and rest, but there was little chance of that happening anytime soon.
The now too familiar itch on his forearm drew his attention, he would need to be alone for a while.

“Come and get me an hour before the evening meal, I will be in my rooms,” John said to Devirik, he would have to hurry. Karl would begin to get worried if John didn’t reply soon.

Standing outside his new rooms John paused before the large door, it was too plain. The doors that lead to the Lords apartments should have been grand, with delicate ivy trailing over the panels.

Stepping into the room John quickly checked that no one was hiding in any of the rooms before rolling up his sleave, on his forearm was four small black dots.

Placing his finger on the upper left one John immediately felt Karl’s presence in his mind.
“John I was beginning to get worried, I thought maybe the demons had got you,” said Karl, an almost hysteric worry in his voice.

“I told you before Karl, there are no demons here. Now, do you have the rings?” asked John

“That’s why I called you, I managed to get a few, but not as many as you asked for,” replied Karl

“What do you mean by a ‘few’, Karl? I seem to remember that we had a little disagreement about that once,” said John smiling at the old reference to there past.

“Now don’t be like that John, I really thought there were only thirty,” said Karl, sounding a little hurt,

Laughing John said, “There was closer to three hundred then thirty, now the rings Karl the rings, how many?”

“Well I’m not sure, a box. How about you count them,” said Karl, John let out a small groan. At times Karl could be paranoid enough that he wouldn’t even trust that John was John, and other times he would recklessly charge about.

With a small flash of light, barely noticeable, Karl appeared in the room. Looking around he said,
“I thought you were becoming a Duke or something, so why are we in a room with no furniture that looks more suited to a servant,” commented Karl, his bright blue eyes darting around the room, constantly watching the shadows.

Karl had once being a tall handsome man but years of hardships and the newly developed twitches had removed all his youthful looks. His hair was already beginning to turn from bright blond to grey. At nineteen he looked closer to forty.

He held a small box close to his chest, as if he expected someone to try and steal it at any moment. John could sense the power in Karl, bunched up and ready, a strong shield surrounding his body.

“Its ok Karl, we are safe here,” said John trying to reassure him,

John felt Karl reach out with his magic, sensing the room around him.
“There are no wards, John, why are there no wards,” he said starting to panic, “You always said to set the wards, always,”

In as calming a voice as he could manage John said, “You know as well as I do that if I began setting wards the Wizards Guild would come to see what I’m up to,”

“But we are not safe, the demons, they could come,” said Karl almost shouting, his fear driving him senseless.

John could think of only one thing to do, “Karl stand down, the area is secure,” John said, his voice ringing with command.

Karl seemed to snap out of his nightmare, “Yes Sir, sorry,” he said, handing the box to John.

Inside was at least three or four hundred rings, all simple bands of metal but radiating power. Rings of loyalty, otherwise know as slave rings.
Once the ring is placed on the finger it cannot be removed without killing the wearer and with the power in the ring it can sense any harmful thoughts against your master, which causes the ring to inflict pain on the wearer.
John knew the history behind them, all magicians did, you could enslave an entire nation with them or a single man. The wearer has no choice but to obey you.

John nodded to Karl, “Well done, Karl.”

“How have you being sleeping?” asked John,
“A bit better then before, but, the constant alertness is hard to shake. You understand how it is better then the rest of us, John,” said Karl, his eyes becoming distant as he remembered, “The constant fear and danger, the screech of the demons, the smell just before they attack. I still can’t go near the markets, just the smell of sulphur.” He visibly shook.

“I understand,” said John, pushing the dark memories down as far as they would go.

He could not have picked a worse moment to interrupt John, the Duke’s former advisor walked into the room without even so much as a nock on the door, not that nocking would have stopped what happened next.

Karl, who was always on the edge, was just that much closer after reliving some of the horrors of his past.

John reacted on instinct, throwing up a barrier around the advisor just in time to feel the full force of Karl’s fear.

The room vibrated with energy, sharp bursts of stray energy exploded in bright colours. The advisor was up against the wall, ashen faced. He could feel the power being released.

John could hear Karl muttering, directing his power into more powerful attacks,
“Karl stop!” roared John, Karl didn’t appear to hear him.
The attack intensified, John racked his brain over what to say, how to tell Karl this was not some demon, ideas of friendly fire or fellow magician came to mind, but John had never used those words while they had served in the demon wars.

“Karl, its Shadow Walker!” yelled John, the attack suddenly stopped.

Karl gave John an odd look before saying.
“That doesn’t make sense John,”
As if a cloud had passed the tension on Karl’s face eased, now his expression was one of regret,
“I’m sorry John, we were talking about the demons and then he came in.” muttered Karl

“Its ok Karl, it was those reactions that kept us alive, never regret them,” replied John

Turning to the ashen faced advisor John said, “You had better have a good reason for barging in here.”

The advisor only managed to mutter, “The power, all that power,” saying it over and over again.

“I think you fried his senses Karl,” said John, his annoyance echoed in his voice.

The advisor fixed John with a fearful look.
“How can it be that you have such power?” he asked.

John ignored the question. It would be many long months before he could tell anyone his reasons for what he had done, and what he was still to do.

“Karl you should leave,” said John, then his voice vibrant with sorrow said, “It was good to see you again Karl, it seems like an eternity since the five of us were together but we will be again soon. Tell the others I send my regards,”
John knew that Karl couldn’t see the sad smile hidden beneath the deep hood of his black robes but Karl must have known it was there.

“None of us feels the same without you leading us John, I will be sure to tell the others you asked after them,” with that he disappeared.

John felt a large hole inside himself begin to open again, the longer he was away from his sworn brothers the larger he felt the hole grow.

Looking down at his arm and the four black dots John touched each one, Karl, His constant state of alert and even his recent paranoia always made John feel safe, knowing that he had someone watching his back at all times.

As John ran his fingers lightly over the dots his eyes misted over.

Brian, the youngest, he had only joined John’s group a year before the end but he had been there for the demon war and had proven himself on several occasions. Even after a year in the demon realm Brian had managed to retain some of his youthful enthusiasm and joy in life.

Vasilia, she had been in the demon realm with John for just over two years, fighting by his side. She was the first to sware her life to John but the war had taken its tole on her. Her mind had become a fragile thing, broken with the grief of losing so many sworn brothers but still she fought on, behind her fragile mind lay a hard iron will that wouldn’t allow her to give in to her grief.

The last, Richard, who had been such a vain boy of sixteen years when he first entered the demon realm, He now had a deep scar, during the first week of the war Richard took a ball of dripping fire in the face, burning away most of his face and the dripping liquid fire had scorched most of his back and chest as well before John could extinguish it. Even after having healed all the wounds the real scar still remained. A large dark gash through his mind, after that day Richard kept his face hidden from all except John.

Of the twenty dots that had once covered his forearm only those four remained, for that crime alone John would have his revenge on the Wizards Guild, but they were guilty of much more.

John was snapped out of his reminiscing when the advisor asked, “Why did he stop when you said I was Shadow Walker?”

“It confused him, he knew that you couldn’t be Shadow Walker, so he stopped to find out what I meant and that pause was enough to snap him out of his fear,” said John.

“But why would it confuse him, how was he to know I wasn’t Shadow Walker?” asked the advisor, he quickly added, “Not that I think I’m The Shadow Walker, but what made you so certain he would?”

John let out a small laugh, “Because, I am the Shadow Walker, he was with me when I earned that name,”

The advisor looked at John with a blank expression for several seconds before shock replaced it.
“But that would mean you are a member of the Wizards guild,” he said, then continuing, “I am sorry, I would never have fought you had I know you were a guild magician,”

John gave a ruff laugh, “I am no longer a member of the guild,”

“I thought once you became a member there was no way to leave, why would you want to?” he asked.

John showed the advisor the top of his wrist, where a large twisted scar stretched across his skin.
“You are right, most would never be able to leave the guild but for my services in the demon war I was granted permission to remove the mark of the guild and my reasons for leaving are my own,” said John.

“Of course my Lord,” as an after thought he said, “I had never realised that the guild magicians were so powerful, I had once thought I could pass the tests of entry but I now see that it was only a youthful dream.”

“They are not as powerful as either me or my friend, you could probably have passed there test,”

“Oh,” He said, a thoughtful look spread over his face.

“I am sorry for interrupting you Wizard, I just came to tell you that the evening meal would be served in an hour,” said the advisor.

“What is your name?” asked John.

“Devirik Trinyia at your service,” he said giving a slight bow.

“Well Devirik, I am no longer a Wizard, I gave up that honorific when I left the Guild,” said John.

“But…” said Dervirik

“No buts, if a Wizard heard you referring to me as one of them they would have you killed. I am no longer a Wizard, now I am a simply magician like you,”

John felt three sharp bursts of magic.

Three Wizards stepped out from the shadows, two men and one woman. John recognized only two of them.
“You push us to far John,” said the man that John hadn’t met before.

“Is it anything less them what I would have done in the services of the Wizards?” snapped John.

“You left us because you didn’t agree with what we were doing yet here you are, you killed a Duke and by the fell of that box are going to force his subjects into slavery. Do your morals only apply to others?” asked Roland, John couldn’t see his face but he could hear the sneer.

John simply ignored Roland, there feud was old and words would only help to worsen the situation.
“I have not broken any of your laws,”

“You used magic outside the control of the guild,” said the third man,

“You know very well I have, privileges, that others don’t,” replied John, what was this about, had they guessed what he was doing, no, if they even suspected they would have come in force.

“Why are you here?” asked John, hoping the straight question would receive a straight answer.

“Just to remind you that you live through our generosity,” sneered Roland

The man John didn’t recognize turned to Devirik and said, “We heard your call magician. The Wizards voted on it and have decided that at the moment we will not interfere but,” he said turning his gaze back to John, “If he continues to cause problems that might change.”

With that there was nothing else that needed to be said, the warning had been past on, John had pushed them far enough for now, any further and they would react before he was ready.

The two men stepped away to leave while the woman, Amelia stayed. With a small flash of light the men left.

“Why don’t you come back John?” asked Amelia, the same old question she had asked him over and over again for almost a year now.

“You know why,” replied John,

“If you don’t agree with what we do then how can you do this, I can sense the box of slave rings, will you make them all wear one, it is not fair on them, to have to serve you so,” she had slipped her hood back revealing her rich brown flowing hair, it stretched down her back almost to the base of her spin.

Her soft green eyes were pleading with John, as if wishing for him to change.
John kept his heart cold in the face of her pleas.

“You know very well that they have more freedom then most in this world thanks to the Wizards, I will not be given a moral lecture from you of all people,” said John, his voice icy cold.

Amelia stepped back away from John.
“You should know that the council is only a few votes away from having you killed and the King has demanded that they step in and remove you from his province. You have made a lot of enemies John. Some still speak out in your defence but the memories of your services are fading fast.”

Just before she vanished John said,
“Thank you Amelia,” said John taking a step towards her.

“Do not thank me John, you know the pain you have caused me. I will ask for leniency in your case but I cannot speak for the others. If you need me I will come but only once John, only once more will I come to your call.”
With that she was gone.

John stood in silence for several minutes battling his emotions. There was a time when Amelia meant more to him then life itself, but that time had long since passed.

His true sorrow was that she still held him so close to her heart, it would near kill her if she learnt what he was trying to do. One day she will find out and when that happens John knew that she would have to make a choice, him or the Wizards.

John hopped with all his heart she chose the Wizards. Only the powerful would live through what was to come, with the Wizards she had that power.

John bent over and retrieved a ring from the box, tossing it at Devirik, “Put it on.”

Devirik looked fearfully at the ring, he knew what it was.
“But my Lord, I would never have called the Wizards had I know you were The Shadow Walker, you must believe me,” he pleaded.

“Put it on,” John said again this time his voice darkened with power.

Devirik shook as he slowly slipped the ring onto his index finger.

John reached out with a small wisp of power, activating the ring, “Now I can tell you more of the truth.”

“What do you know of the demon war?” asked John.

“Two years ago demons began coming through a gate into our world, the Wizards didn’t say much about what was happening only that they were fighting back the demons and then a year ago they said they had won.”

“Do you know what started the demon war?” asked John.

With a confused look Devirik said, “I think it was the attack on the Sinian village.”

“That is what the Wizards said yes, a demon did come through a gate, one opened by a Wizard. The only problem is a demon cannot survive in our realm, it lived just long enough to kill the Wizard and then explode, destroying the entire village.”

“Why was a Wizard in the demon realm?” asked Devirik.

“Now that is the question that can get you killed, if I tell you your life will be forfeit. The Wizards will spare no effort in trying to find you and kill you. Are you sure you want to know?”

Devirik was silent for a minute thinking about his reply. Was it really worth his life?
“Tell me,” he said.

“For almost three hundred years the Wizards have been exploring the demon realm. Teams of Wizards are sent through once every month.”

Looking intently at Devirik John asked, “Were you trained by the Wizards?”

“Yes, I bear the mark of my training, but as I already told you I only did the magicians training, I never thought I had the strength to complete the Wizards tests.”

“Let me see the mark,” said John.

Hesitantly Devirik pulled at the collar of his robe, until a dark black mark was revealed directly below his collar bone.

Stepping forward John tapped the mark, “Through that they gain the power to keep the link open between our world and the demons,”

Devirik only gave John a puzzled look, “What do you mean?”

“Every month at the full moon your power is weaker for a day, correct?” asked John.

“Yes,” said Devirik, giving John an expecting look.

“That is when they draw the power from you and all magicians, through that mark they steal your power every full moon,” said John, poking the black mark.

“But all magic is weaker when the moon is full,” said Devirik but it didn’t sound like he truly believed it.
It was one of the biggest questions asked by magicians, why was there power weakened at the full moon?

Placing his hand over the mark John drew on his power, it came as fast as thought, rushing to it aid, eager to do his bidding. The black mark was not Johns target, it was the magical link it represented. Finding it was easy and severing it was even easier. It was not made to be hidden or protected. No Wizard would even know it had been cut unless they felt the mark and looked for the link.

When John removed his hand Devirik looked down expectantly. The mark was still there.
“Cant you remove it?” asked Devirik.

“The link is gone. Your power will no longer be leached of off every full moon.”
*************



“It will be easier to start at the beginning,” said John.
“Four years ago I was sent into the demon realm,” John paused, waiting for Devirik to protest.

“The demons didn’t begin invading our world until two years ago,” said Devirik just as John knew he would.

“The demon gate has been open since the birth of the Wizards, now let me tell you what happened and after you can ask questions,” said John.

With a nod from Devirik John began the story of the last four years of his life.

His eyes became distant as he began talking, “As I said, four years ago I was sent to the demon realm as all Wizards are when they finish there training. Almost immediately they realised I was different, most Wizards could bearly survive a month without going mad. You see in the demon realm you cannot eat or drink, the constant gnawing hunger eats away at you. Yet it cannot kill you, you feel hunger and thirst but your body doesn’t need it to survive. Even if the hunger doesn’t get you the simple nothingness of the demon realm will. All around you is a thick red fog covering hard red rock.”
John paused and Devirik thought better then to try and rush him.

“We were usually in groups of twelve, sometimes more, depending on our individual strength. What made me different was that I could fight the pain, and the fear of constant attack. It’s hard to explain,” said John, a tone of pleading had entered his voice.

“The demons hunt by sensing your mind, your magic, if the shield around your mind slips for even a second hundreds of demons come swarming towards you and your only hope is to run.To kill a demon you need to catch it alone or in a very small group, surprise it and finish it quickly before more arrive.”

Again John paused, it was difficult for him to explain it to Devirik, for anyone who wasn’t there it is hard for them to understand the horror of the constant red mist, where you can’t tell the ground from the sky.

“In the two years leading up to the demon war I met other Wizards who to one degree or another could block the feelings of fear and the pains of hunger. We formed a group of twenty one Wizards. Together we swore an oath, one forged by our magic. Together we survived and grew stronger, for every demon we killed we gained its power.” Looking up at Devirik John added, “That is the reason they send Wizards to the demon realm, to gain power. Items of power, such as demon bones and the blood stones can be found laying upon the ground every hundred feet or so, but they are nothing compared to the power you gain from a demon.”

Stepping forward until he was only inches from Deviriks face John said, “Do you know how they hunt?”

Devirik, who was looking into the face of a man living a horror, was too scared to do anything but shake his head.

“They track you by your mind and magic but, when they find you. You cannot see them with their thick red leathery skin and the only sound is there long arms dragging along the ground. They are nearly seven feet tall. They Jump,” John said, imitating a leap with his hands, “sending a stun at you, but not any ordinary stun, no, one so strong it would take you and maybe two other magicians to match. After you feel the impact of the stun you have only a second or two to duck or run in an attempt to try and avoid its lung at you.”

John was so close to Deviriks face now that he could see into his crazed eyes. They were reliving countless battles.

There Devirik saw the crack in Johns hard cold armour. Under it he saw the young face of a boy not yet grown to a man, but the marks of hardship were clearly written on his face. In Johns dark green eyes he could see a mind far older and harder then the body it lived in.

“Your shield, you think, yes, your shield it will protect you, but it wont, no. There arms go straight through your shield, smashing it and crippling your magic. Then they tear you apart trying to feed on your magic.”

John paused and stepped back form Deviriks. Giving himself a small shake John said, “Sorry, if only you knew the number of people I have seen die because of the Wizards hunger for power.”
With the hood of Johns robe up Devirik couldn’t see his face but he could hear the sadness written in his voice.

“Only four of my sworn brothers survived the demon war. Twenty one of us lived through years of travelling the demon realm but in one year, in one battle sixteen died.”
Suddenly John asked, “Do you know who Virash was?”

“Yes, he was the Demon Lord, the one who started the war,” said Devirik.

“Wrong, he didn’t start the war he simply killed one to many Wizards and became to intelligent. Within one year it became too dangerous to even send Wizards through the gate. So it was up to me and my sworn brothers to get as close to Virash as possible and open a gate. Six hundred Wizards came through. The fighting was fierce. But we reached Virash and killed him. Do you know how many of my sworn brothers died only fighting him, four, for that I will kill every Master Wizard.”

“That is how you earned the name Shadow Walker, right?” asked Devirik.

John let out a harsh laugh, “No, it was Virash himself who gave me that name.”

“Why did you come here?” asked Devirik.

“It is a beginning, a place where I can begin to undo the chains that hold this land. For too long the Wizards have been pulling the strings of the King. It is they who rule this land, they drain other magicians to strengthen themselves. Giving them a way into the demon realm where they can hunt, and after they kill they can absorb the magic of the fallen demon, increasing there own.”

Devirik never one to hold his tongue said, “But how is your ruling different from there’s. You would simply be replacing them.”

“Do you know how we lure a demon into a trap?” asked John.

Devirik confused by the change of subject thought he must have hit home to the biggest flaw in John’s plan.
“No.”

“We use people, we cripple them and then left them sitting on the red earth, waiting for the demons to attack. With the weak magic inside there bodies they only attracted a few demons, perfect for us to kill.”

Devirik dreaded asking this question but asked it anyway, “Where did you get the people?”

“They were magicians who had failed the Wizards test but who were almost strong enough to pass, it was those type of magicians that were needed to lure the demons. A Wizard is too strong and anyone weaker would only have a small chance of attracting a demon.”

Devirik went white, and began muttering, “But but, how, I mean why. Wouldn’t it be better to train those magicians and then fight the demons?”

John laughed a cruel harsh laugh, “No, then you would have twenty dead Wizards and thousands of demons swarming around. After I found out who the cripples were I refused to use them. I and my sworn brothers hunted the demons, we would track them. Chase them. One at a time, we would destroy them and gain there strength.”

“So you wish to fight them?” asked Devirik.

“I wish to destroy them, they have no right to rule. How many Wizards do you see helping dig a ditch or build a dam? None. They do not use there power to help they only think of their lavish homes and how to keep them that way.”

Looking Devirik straight in the eye’s John said, “Once they used to help the world, but they are now rotten, living off the glories of the past and bleeding this world dry with there thirst for power.”

Abruptly John ordered Devirik to leave, he was sick of talking and only wanted his space to sit and think.

Bowing Devirik left, written on his face was a hundred questions and also hidden deep in his mind was a secret that he thought just maybe he could tell John. Maybe he was the one they had been waiting for.

Standing outside the door to John’s apartments Devirik looked sadly down at his hand and the ring that now chained it. If it wasn’t for that ring Devirik would have been sure he could trust John, but how could a man who enslaves people then claim to only be trying to set them free from the old chains of the Wizards.

Devirik would need to speak to the others before he decided what course he would take. Nodding to himself Devirik started to walk down the winding stairs, yes, he thought, they would know what should be done.

A few short minutes after Devirik had left John walked out of his rooms and headed up the stairs, he wanted the cool breeze that blew down from the hills at this time of year. He felt that he needed to relax after everything that had happened, killing a person wasn’t the same as a demon.

Demons were little more then animals, while the Duke had a family and friends, they would all morn his death and in there eyes John would see the hate that they felt for him. The evil of his dead would haunt him as long as he stayed here.

But where else could he have started? What other road could he have taken? John thought, pausing on the stairs he reprimanded himself, he had decided to act and there was no going back. The moment he had stepped into the lands of Venar his course had been set. It had to be done.

The beautiful rich embrace of the wind as he stepped out onto the roof of the castle swept away all troubled thoughts, here he could relax and let all the worries of life drift away with the caressing autumn air.

This was the one thing that had tortured him the most, in the demon realm the air was thick with red mist, it did not move. John found it strange how he never noticed the wind until it was gone. The simple movement of air as he walked through a room.

The rolling green hills spread out before him. From the crest of the castle John could see the western pass, the only route into the Valleys of Venar.

Three valleys made up Venar, the Wardens Valley had the only accessible route through the mountains. From Wardens Valley two passes lead to Kilarn and the other Barons’ Lands.
John thought he could see dust hanging in the air, marking the progress of what was most likely the Duke’s forces hurrying to this very castle.
A few more hours and word would reach them of the Duke’s death, and then they would make a decision. Whether to proceed onto this castle and try to kill John or to retreat back to there lands and await word from the king.

John was hoping they would try and retake the castle. The sooner he subdued the Barons the sooner he could begin strengthening his hold.

The sun slowly set behind the rising hills, casting the sky a fiery red. John stood entranced by its rich colours. So rarely was there something of such simple beauty to behold.
To the north John could see the dark ominous clouds billowing up over the mountains, they had been created by the release of raw magic and now with it no longer holding them here they returned to their fierce storms in the north.

The beautiful green hills would soon be shrouded in the grey of dusk and John would have to leave this tranquil roof for the hate filled stares that awaited him in the Great Hall. Tomorrow when the sun rose again it will onto an enslaved castle. John could not run the risk of betrayal, every man woman and child in the castle would wear a ring. If only to insure they do not wear the ring of another.


On the other side of the Kingdom of Lilandria Vesilin was watching the same sunset. Perched on the city walls of Denar.
  





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Sun Jan 21, 2007 12:45 pm
Esmé says...



Wow, this is long, lol. -But I'll try my best, I'll write the critique as I read.

quote:
his magically enhanced voice was heard by all.
Capitalize 'his'.

quote:
This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man, wearing heavy armour stepped out onto the battlements.
Last comma unnecessary.

quote:
“Why have you come here to our lands?” he shouted, a voice used to giving orders.
Not exactly sure of who shouted. Also, the part after the dialogue is not correct. Maybe: 'He shouted in a voice used to (...). Capital 'He'.

Quote:
John left no pause for an answer to be given by the Duke, he knew that this could only end in one way.
I would add ‘only’ up there, but then again – I always change people’s work.

Quote:
“If I must I will take your Dukedom by force,” said John.
Comma after ‘must’.

Quote:
“WRONG!” roared John enhancing his voice with magic, so that it shook the very ground.
‘Shook the very ground’? I don’t like it somehow... Also, you have ‘roared’ again.

Quote:
Drawing on the magic within himself, John threw up a barrier around his body, then taking more magic, felt it flow with his thoughts, his will, a small spark flashed in the palm of his hand rapidly growing into a large ball of swirling fire.
I strongly suggest that you break this into two or three sentences. Its unclear the way it is now. Also, from now on I’m not going to point out every minor grammar mistake, okay?..

Quote:
Looking the Duke directly in the eyes John stretched his hand out towards him, the fireball shot through the air and exploded just before it reached the Duke.
Two sentences, teh first part ought to be changed a bit.

Quote:
“You see,” he bellowed, “I have a magician of my own, you cannot take my castle or my lands. Now run along before I change my mind and decide to have you killed.”
I’m confused. It was John who made teh fireball, right? Then why is the Duke saying (it IS teh duke, right? That’s nto clear either) that he has a magician? I haven’t seen any sign of any magician besides John.

Quote:
John felt the barrier falter, smiling now John could see the magician on the wall.
Too much of ‘John”. –And incidentally, is John a medieval name?

Quote:
And there is was, the flash of pain across the magicians face just as his power fails, luckily for him John only wanted to kill the Duke.
Where is this magician??????????

Quote:
Playing out the battle high above in the sky.
I think you wanted to add this to teh fromer sentence? Oh, I’m having a hard time reading this... You know what? Reread this, read it out loud if it will help you, and the PM me. I’ll write a better critique then, alright?

-elein
  





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Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:32 pm
writergirl007 says...



This was good.

"'Why have you come here to our lands?' he shouted, a voice used to giving orders."
Try something like this, "he shouted commandingly." or something like that. I like the idea, but it is a little long just to get out a single ide.

"By the setting of the sun this night he would have the first part of his empire."
Comma after "this night"

"Drawing on the magic within himself, John threw up a barrier around his body, then taking more magic, felt it flow with his thoughts"
Besides this being a little cliche, this doesn't flow. Perhaps, "Drawing on the magic within himself, John threw up a barrier around his body. Then he took more magic from inside himself and felt it mingle (or flow) within his thoughts." Or something to that effect. That's proably horrible, but, just make it flow.

"Drawing of even more magic John didn’t bother to shape it, he simply threw it at the shield around the duke."
"Drawing even more magic, John did not bother to shape it. Instead, he simply threw it at the shield surrounding the weak (use some kind of adjective here to describe the duke) duke."

"Turing his attention back to the Squire John asked, “Are the men at arms going to be a problem?”"
Comma after squire. Squire is not capitalized.

"This place had a lot of potential thought John, already reordering the hall and its furnishings in his mind."
Has instead of had. And use redecorating instead of reordering.

"hoping not to draw Johns anger"
Appostriphy-"John's anger"

"They were all listening to the exchange with intently ears and whatever was said in this room would shortly spread through the castle."
Intently? How about intent ears. Try this:"They were all listening intently to the exchange which would shortly be spread through the entire castle." or something along those lines.

"They both stood in silence for several minutes until John said “I am, sorry for killing your husband but he would not give up his province without a fight,” actual sorrow could be heard in his voice."
Try this: "They both stood in silence for several minutes. John then spoke up, "I am sorry (no comma) for killing your husband, but (comma before but) he would not give up his province without a fight." Actual sorrow tinged his voice"

" “Do not try and make excuses for what you did, you killed a good man and nothing you say will lessen your punishment in death, when you are judged in the afterlife for your crimes none will stand in your defence and no power you have will save you from the punishment you deserve,” her voice of filled with anger and sounded as if it was about to break."
"Do not try to (better than and) make escuses for what you did! You killed a good man! Nothign you say will lessen your punishment in death! When you are judged in the afterlife for your crimes, none will stand in your defence and no power you have will save you from the punishment you deserve," her voice was filled with anger and sounded as if it was about to break." This sentence was too long. Don't be afraid of short sentences! Clear meaning is better than exaggerated points.

"Anna’s face suddenly turned hard, “You leave her alone,” her voice had become just as hard as her face"
I don't like the way you stated the last point. How about this, "Anna's face turned to stone. "Leave her alone!" her voice was set with anger and resentment." Something along those lines.

"attempts to slip something into my food, or in anyway try to poison me"
Try should be tries.

"Placing his finger on the upper left one John immediately felt Karl’s presence in his mind."
Upper left what?

"Karl had once being a tall handsome man"
Being should be been.

"“Karl you should leave,” said John, then his voice vibrant with sorrow said,"
You do not have to identify who is talking everytime. Especially if you have already said who is talking. "Karl, you should leave," John stated as his voice rang with vibrant sorrow, " something like that.

"“You know very well I have, privileges, that others don’t,”"
You don't need the commas.

"“If you don’t agree with what we do then how can you do this, I can sense the box of slave rings, will you make them all wear one, it is not fair on them, to have to serve you so,”"
"If you don't agree with what we do, then how can you do this? I can sense the box of slave rings. Will you make them all wear one? It is not fair on them, to have to serve you so!"

"Just before she vanished John said, “Thank you Amelia,” said John taking a step towards her."
Again, you do not have to say that he talked twice!

" “The link is gone. Your power will no longer be leached of off every full moon.”"
The of is not needed.

"Tomorrow when the sun rose again it will onto an enslaved castle."
"Tomorrow, when the sun rose again, it will shine onto an enslaved castle."

This is really good! I loved it! Something I noticed is that you have a tendency to have your sentences run into each other. I corrected a couple of them above, but there were a few others that I left. Just remember, little sentences are not bad! Read back through and see if there are any places where it may seem there needs to be punctuation that you left out. These are just suggestions, though. It is your writing, and if you decide to use my critiques that is fine. I tend to be nit picky and apalogize for that. I really enjoyed your story and will be looking forward to more! Writergirl :D
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain
  





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Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:07 am
HeadInTheClouds says...



I only had time to read the first bit, but it looked like a good start.

I do have one suggestion, however. At the beggining you said his voice was 'enhanced'. That just doesn't seem to fit with what you are trying to say. Try another word that sounds stronger. Enhanced just doesn't sound right to me.

But, i'd say you did a pretty good job from what i've read. Keep up the good work.
If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. ~Lord Byron

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Mon Jan 22, 2007 7:29 am
Swires says...



I dont think you have modified the story from the last critique.

SO all that still applies.

OK:

One thing is that John seems to have no weaknesses which for an MC, is bad. What is his weakness? Because without MC weaknesses the story will fall flat.
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No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
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