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Silbury Street



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Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:27 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Silbury Street was quiet and respectable, if slightly poor. It was a street of old inns and shops, run by people in threadbare but tidy clothing. Between the bakery and one of the inns was Saint Isolde’s Chapel, a redbrick edifice with an expansive graveyard behind it.

On a warm summer evening, as dusk reddened the sky, a new figure appeared on Silbury. It was a young man whose name was Alasdair, and he was neither poor nor respectable. He wore a dark blue suit with gleaming metal buttons, and a pair of polished black boots. His strides were long and quick, and his stubbly face wore a frown. The most striking part of his appearance was the large bundle of stained beige cloth that he carried over his shoulder.

Alasdair reached Saint Isolde’s and stood in front of it for a moment, hesitating. He glanced at his bundle, and seemed to make up his mind. He walked past the church, and entered the graveyard.

He went to one of the larger headstones, and lowered the bundle to the ground in front of it. The bundle was still for a moment, but after a gentle prod from his boot, it stirred. With a soft sigh, it unfolded a little, and part of the cloth shifted to reveal the back of an auburn-haired head. It stopped moving again.

“Go on,” said Alasdair. He stood in front of it, his arms folded impassively.

It shuddered, pushed itself upright, and slumped back against the headstone. With some of the cloth out of the way, the face of the thing could be seen. It was a caricature of a pretty girl: enormous, dark eyes with weighty lashes, near-white skin except for its pink cheeks, and a nose, chin, and mouth that were unnaturally small. A streak of blood ran along the side of its head and disappeared under its hair, but the stains over the cloth now had an explanation.

“What are you, may I ask?” said Alasdair.

The thing was silent. Its eyelids began to fall laboriously, but a jab from Alasdair’s boot sent them up again.

It opened its mouth and hissed.

Alasdair raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t catch that.”

The thing only stared.

“If you’d rather I took you back to be butchered by Ajax, do tell.”

Somewhere in its bizarre eyes, panic stirred. It hissed again, and a feeble hand pushed out from under the cloth and grasped at Alasdair’s shin.

He sighed, and pulled out his pocket watch. It had been nearly an hour since he snatched this being from the mansion of Ajax Gilroy, the head of a rival family. It had been mostly out of the usual practice of seizing every chance to inconvenience the Gilroys. An open window into their private laboratory was an opportunity not to be missed. And it had been partially out of an interest in how much a circus or freak show would pay to have the grotesque beauty.

Alasdair shook its hand off his leg, and took a step back.

What happened to you?” he thought.

He felt a strange, faint murmur rising and falling in his mind. But it became more articulate, as if many voices were speaking just out of earshot. And then, he could make out the words.

Have pity on us, dear stranger! Grieve for us helpless souls you have never seen--

Quiet,” said a distinctly sonorous voice that rose above the others. “Quiet!

After the murmurs had subsided, it continued.

My apologies. Those were my victims.

Alasdair felt a surge of apprehension.

Evil spirits. I am a gargoyle. I eat them.

Alasdair blinked. It certainly did not look like the statues of gargoyles he’d seen before.

They poison my blood. They can’t hurt me. But they’d kill anyone who tasted it.

Alasdair found himself staring at the wound on the side of its head.

It’s delicious, though. Wherein lies the reason I was captured. Those people want the most delicious of poisons.

The gargoyle closed its eyes, and its tiny mouth curved into a smile.

The sound of a singing choir wafted from the chapel. The voices whirled over each other, spiraling higher and higher in search of an elusive something.

Alasdair mulled over what he should do with the thing.

Kill the gargoyle! Pity us! “ said the murmurs.

They will all get out if I died,” said the deep voice.

Before Alasdair could respond, he heard the sound of unhurried footsteps behind him. He turned around to see Stephanie Gilroy, Ajax’s daughter, approaching. She smiled, and held a pistol in one hand.

She tossed a few reddish-gold ringlets off her shoulders and winked at him.

“So, Alasdair!” she said. “Playing the hero, are you? Rescuing a poor girl from her evil torturers!”

Alasdair reached into his jacket, and his fingers wrapped around his own pistol.

“Pity,” said Stephanie. She fired.

Alasdair had anticipated it, and ducked out of the way. The gargoyle, though, was in no position to do so. The bullet hit it in the arm. Its eyes glistened, and a loud hiss escaped its mouth as blood spurted from the limb.

A volley of foreign thoughts hit Alasdair’s mind. The murmurs were now muffled cheers and catcalls. The sonorous voice, though, was fading.

Take the cloth away!” it said. “Now!

Alasdair seized a corner of the cloth, which was now rapidly soaking up blood. He yanked it away as hard as he could.

Stephanie giggled.

The gargoyle’s body was small and thin, and as pale as its face. A filmy white dress clung to it. With lethargic, jerky movements, it stood up.

Stephanie turned her attention back to Alasdair, who had taken out his gun. The two stood staring at each other. Stephanie’s eyes smiled, while Alasdair’s were stony.

The gargoyle staggered towards Stephanie, and slumped against her legs, like a small child leaning on its mother. Its head barely reached her waist. It wrapped its arms--one of them shining and red--around her. Stephanie looked down, surprised at the tender gesture. It began to clamber up her body slowly, and too late she realized its ploy.

With one arm embracing her neck, it thrust its bleeding arm against her mouth. She tried to push it away, but its grip was a vise. Stephanie choked and struggled, and fired her pistol against its belly. Blood flowed freely from the gargoyle’s body, but its clutch on her was now a death grip.

Alasdair ran. There was no longer anything in it for him, and one of Isolde‘s prudent churchgoers would soon come to see what the commotion was.

There will be--” began the sonorous voice in his mind, but it was cut off by one last gunshot. The murmurs stopped being murmurs, and were full-fledged shouts instead.



Silbury Street soon lost its reputation for respectability and quietude. The discovery of a wealthy young noblewoman’s body beside a strange, mutilated corpse frightened many away. Bad luck, freak accidents, and hideous apparitions soon drove most others out of the street as well. The only ones that remained were the hardened and the hopeless.

Some said that Saint Isolde’s graveyard was haunted by the ghosts of those buried there. Only one man, a wealthy and apathetic one who lived some distance away, knew what had actually been unleashed.
Last edited by Lilyy03 on Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:40 pm
Swires says...



Ok, I havnt read it all - no point in lying.

The beginning was very uninteresting - you describe the place very objectively. A beginning should start in action or important place. Hint around the place because really, is the world so interesting you have to dump it into the first paragraph. The answer is no.

You also describe your character objectively, I like the viewpoint to be the characters, thus he wouldn't really see or note what he is wearing.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:42 pm
The Jesseble says...



Lilyy03 wrote:Silbury Street was quiet and respectable, if slightly poor. It was a street of old inns and shops, run by people in threadbare but tidy clothing. Between the bakery and one of the inns was Saint Isolde’s Chapel, a redbrick edifice with an expansive graveyard behind it.


I love this beginning line, it's perfect. You're setting the scene in a quick and desciptive manner.

Lilyy03 wrote: But perhaps the most striking part of his appearance was the large bundle of stained beige cloth that he carried over his shoulder.


Does 'But' need to be there? I'm sure that starting with 'The most striking part..' would work. But hey...you choose.

Lilyy03 wrote:grotesque beauty.


Loving the oxymoron 8)

Lilyy03 wrote:Some said that Saint Isolde’s graveyard was haunted by the ghosts of those buried there. Only one man, a wealthy and apathetic one who lived some distance away, knew what had actually been unleashed.


The ending is perfect...beautiful and alluring!


Is this part of a chapter or is this the prologue?


Anyway, grammar wise it's flawless (unless i haven't picked anything up). I can't see anything i wish to point out.

Can't wait to see more!

Tj
***The Jesseble***

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Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:07 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Phorcys - thanks for the pointers, I'll keep those in mind in the future.

Jesseble - thanks! You're right about the "But", I'm going to change that right now. And I think this is just going to be a standalone story, not a piece of something longer. Thankyou again. :)
  





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Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:12 pm
Cpt. Smurf says...



I agree with Jesseble - I thought the beginning was great. It got my interest straight away. The plotline was a bit weird, but we all love a weird story! :wink: The ending was good too.

Anyway, good job, hope you keep writing,

Kaz
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.

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Tue Jan 09, 2007 4:57 pm
Swires says...



Ok, sorry my other post didnt praise this.

I finished it and I liked it - weird plot is good. Nice ending and I can see this leading into an intrigueing tale.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Tue Jan 09, 2007 7:24 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Kaz - Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

Phorcys - Thanks for coming back and reading, I appreciate it. ^_^
  





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Fri Jan 19, 2007 8:52 pm
Poor Imp says...



It's a great entry, Lilyy - and a quick, intriguing read. ^_^ I'll critique it in full, before long; but at the moment, I hope you'll accept my thanks for entering, to put it so very formally. ^_~

Excellent tension; and the prose was vivid as it was balanced, for the most part, with action and dialogue.




IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
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Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:14 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Thanks so much, Imp! ^_^ I look forward to it.
  





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Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:27 am
Jenita says...



Great story you have here.

The beginning reminds me a lot of Harry Potter -- a stranger appears on a quiet respectable street, carrying a bundle, which turns out to be a person.


A streak of blood ran along the side of its head and disappeared under its hair, but the stains over the cloth now had an explanation.

Ah... I thought it was just dirty. Perhaps you could mention when you first introduce the cloth that the stains are blood, and then you can just remove the part here after the comma. So basically, I don't like that you're forcing a conclusion upon the reader.

Great plot, and... everything else that everyone already said. My personal opinion is that the beginning does work, because no one in their right mind would write about a quiet and respectable street unless something unrespectable happens on it eventually. :)
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Sat Jan 20, 2007 10:50 am
Esmé says...



I agree with Jenita in the subject of your beginnig. It was some sort of contrast to what happens later.

-elein
  





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Sat Jan 20, 2007 2:23 pm
Crystal Shadow says...



If that was the end of this story then it wasn't a very good one. I think it ended a little too soon and either I'm very tired or it didn't make much sense. It started out as a happy little street and ended by making that street infamous and cursed because of a now dead gargoyle? Is that anyway to end a story?
I am a child of the Night, who listens and questions all options before choosing my next turn in this endless path we call life. After all, "How can one say they understand the light if they have yet to experiance the dark?" -Starrfire Price
  





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Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:42 pm
Lilyy03 says...



Jenita - thanks very much! ^_^ Good point about the HP semblance--I didn't even notice. :D Good point about the stains too, I may change that. Glad you liked the beginning.

Elein - thanks for reading!

Crstal Shadow - the point was that the evil spirits the gargoyle had held took to haunting the place after the gargoyle died. I didn't want to have to spell it all out in the story... But I suppose it is a little unclear. Thankyou for reading it!
  





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Sat Jan 20, 2007 11:08 pm
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Crystal Shadow says...



Thanks for explaining, and don't worry, I think I was just tired when I was reading it. The ending seemed a little blurry to me then, but now I re-read it after some sleep and your explaination it makes sense.
I am a child of the Night, who listens and questions all options before choosing my next turn in this endless path we call life. After all, "How can one say they understand the light if they have yet to experiance the dark?" -Starrfire Price
  








And you have to flaunt the weird, my friends.
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