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A Wicked Game



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Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:49 am
luna_the_shiekah says...



This was a free write assignment for my creative writing class. I just want to see how much this little foray into fairy tales will be torn apart or appreciated. Critiques welcomed with open arms and a cup of tea. :D

~

A Wicked Game

Beauty sighed contentedly as she padded across the cool marble flooring of the dining hall. Her thick russet hair fell about her shoulders in unruly waves. Dark eyes took in the emptiness of the room. Shutting her eyes, she imagined the lovely ball they’d had the evening previous in her mind. When she opened them again, the fact that she was alone in this room of splendor made her frown slightly. No matter how lively and beautiful their gatherings were, the room was just a room once the festivities ended, the guests returned to their own homes, and the decorations removed. If she listened hard enough, she could almost hear her own breathing echo off the walls.

Since her breaking of her lover’s curse, the castle had become alive once again. The grounds no longer held a foreboding aura but a welcoming one filled with the deep red roses that had initially brought her here. The room she stood in was devoid of any servants. She idly wondered where Chip was or his dog. Beauty gazed down at the gardens below her through the nearby bay window. Her lover was wrestling with Chip’s pet in the grass. She pressed her palm upon the window, a smile on her face at his playful antics.

A pair of sharp green eyes suddenly looked up framed by dark blond hair. He grinned impishly and she waved. The dog pounced as soon as his master’s concentration was no longer situated on him and thusly knocked him to the ground. Chuckling, she pulled away from the window and brushed some hair from her face. Beauty glanced at her left hand, barren of any jewelry. True, they were deeply in love but neither wanted to deal with the stress of planning a wedding, at least not yet. Once the shock of his return died down, he’d promised to do right by her. His eyes danced with the prospect of proposing to her.

He’d grown less shy and awkward over the past few months. In fact, he’d grown quickly into his status as prince. No, King. He had no family above him. Her lover had grown into his human body once more and had quickly become a man. A true King.

She swallowed and quietly wrung her hands. If she were to marry him, she’d be Queen. A title a bookworm like herself had never imagined. The very idea frightened her, could she be a fair ruler? Would she be accepted by other royalty considering her lack of heritage? At times, the questions plagued her to the point of insomnia.

“Beauty?” The woman in question turned to see Beast leaning against the doorway in a white tunic with black pants. He cocked his head and walked smoothly towards her. “Are you feeling well?” He cupped her face with one hand. She smiled warmly in return gazing up into his concerned face.

“Never better, I promise.”

-

Night fell and Beauty entered her bedroom. A new wardrobe, one that couldn’t speak, had replaced Willimena. She frowned as she ran a hand down the side of the oak closet. She missed the company of the older woman; she lived in the servant’s quarters now. The servants were so busy she hardly saw any of her old friends. It made her sad but she knew they were happy to be human again. Beauty shrugged off her coat and set it across her bed. It was then she realized there was a dark rose on her bedspread.

A coy grin spread across her features as she plucked the rose from the covers. Pressing it to her mouth, she inhaled and chuckled.

“So it is to be like that then tonight?” Putting the rose in a vase by her bed she released her hair from its ribbon and shook her hair free. It tumbled over her shoulders and she licked her lips. After bathing she changed into a dark green dress with black slippers. She pulled on her other cloak and stepped outside. Fastening the collar about her throat, she pulled the hood over her head. The torches weren’t lit. The entire castle was silent and dark. Beauty exhaled. Then abruptly inhaled as she silently walked down the corridor. She hated the dark, it terrified her ad he knew it. He could smell the fear she felt when encased in shadows without light to save her.

There was an after effect to the spell placed upon him all those years ago. He wasn’t nearly as strong nor as furry and intimidating. Yet, he still had his heightened senses. They weren’t much better than a humans but they were improved just enough to give him an advantage. He could smell and see much better than the average man.

Beauty swallowed as she walked quickly down the spiral staircase. A bell tolled from upstairs, his room and she stumbled down the remainder of the stairs in anticipation.

The chase was on.

-

Beast cracked his neck with his hand. He preferred his human body to the grotesque one he’d had for so long. However, he did enjoy the perk of having slightly heightened senses as an afterthought from the curse. He walked his halls at a leisurely pace, the moonlight bathing the halls through the open windows. The man smirked as he inhaled her scent. Judging by its stagnant air, she’d been here about half an hour ago. Now, where would his prey flee to from here? He crouched and trailed a fingertip across the Persian carpets in thought. She could escape to the gardens. He’d rolled the prospect in his mind for a moment.

Of course she would.

-


Beast’s strides were quicker now. He wasn’t known for his patience. He stood in the center of the gardens, the scent of his lover surrounding him and thusly throwing him off. Roses shifted in the midnight breeze, taunting him with the fact that their scent was identical to their mistress’s. Beast scowled, she was getting better at this.

A movement in his peripheral vision caught his eye. The royal whirled around sharply and stalked over, only to see her gray cloak shifting in the breeze. He caressed the rough wool fabric between his fingers, glaring at how it hung limply from the hedge. Now she’d be at risk of a cold with this act of recklessness.

He rushed past the cloak, leaping over the hedges to the back of the manor. Beast skidded to a shocked stop as the scent of Beauty’s blood hit him full force. His green eyes glinted wildly in the moonlight, to the left of the mansion!

To his frustration however, her blood stained the walls and the bushes but the woman herself was nowhere to be found. The wind was blowing from this direction. He took note of the cloak he’d left behind; part of it had been missing. His eyes narrowed in anger, she’d injured herself on purpose to throw him off! He wasn’t sure if he was annoyed or proud by the fact that she was growing braver and more intelligent in the ways of masking her scent.

However, a question plagued the man’s thoughts. How had she cut herself? Rose thorns certainly don’t cut that deeply. He stepped forward and paused as he felt something underfoot. Lifting his foot, he stared at the small leather sheath that he’d stepped upon. Crouching down beside it, he gazed at it with a scrutiny. She had a dagger with her and judging by the position of the forgotten sheath, she’d fled north. He paled.

If she was injured, the wolves would find her if she went too far in. Panicked, he ran into the thickets of the woods.

-

The scent of her blood started again a few yards in. He followed the trail until he was in the center of the forest. It was then that the scent left. Something caused the ground beneath his feet to give slightly. He glanced down, water. She had used water to dilute her scent. Beauty had been learning.

He then strained his ears; if she used it all up she had to refill her bag. The sound of rushing water filled his ears, he smiled and ran to the eastern side of the forest.

-

Beast came upon a pool with a small waterfall running through it. He sniffed, before frowning. The water masked scents and he couldn’t hear over its roaring. Where was she? He turned abruptly as two arms wrapped about his waist. He glanced down, noticing a scrap of cloth around her pale left hand.

“Beauty.”

“Looks like I win.” She smiled triumphantly up at him. He scowled and turned around, pinning her against an enclave of rock behind them.

“Did you now?”

Instead of growing annoyed or afraid of his actions, she only smiled the wider and delicate flush across her cheeks. He raised a brow at her as she lifted her hands to her shoulders and slid the sleeves down, exposing more of her neck and collarbone. The man smirked at her actions and the light briefly glinted off his teeth. Brown eyes met green and Beauty only tilted her head. Waiting. He chuckled at her antics and bent forward, pressing his lips to hers. The chase was over.


FIN
I cannot name this
I cannot explain this
and I really don't want to
just call me shameless.

-Ani Di Franco "Shameless"
  





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Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:22 am
Emerson says...



Beauty sighed contentedly as she padded across the cool marble flooring of the dining hall.
*shoots the -ly word* you don't need it.

No matter how lively and beautiful their gatherings were, the room was just a room once the festivities ended, the guests returned to their own homes, and the decorations[were?] removed.



It was then she realized there was a dark rose on her bedspread.
"that" should be in here somewhere. "It was then that" or "was than she realized that"


“So it is to be like that then tonight?”
something about 'then' I don't like. but i can't figure out if it needs commas around it, or needs to be taken out or what...

Putting the rose in a vase by her bed she released her hair from its ribbon and shook her hair free.
Change the last hair to 'it'

it terrified her ad he knew it.
and

A bell tolled from upstairs, his room and she stumbled down the remainder of the stairs in anticipation.
This sentence confused me a little "His room" was where i got confused.



If she was injured, the wolves would find her if she went too far in.
you used the word 'if' twice. and it bugged me.


Beast came upon a pool with a small waterfall running through it. He sniffed, before frowning. The water masked scents and he couldn’t hear over its roaring. Where was she? He turned abruptly as two arms wrapped about his waist. He glanced down, noticing a scrap of cloth around her pale left hand.

“Beauty.”

“Looks like I win.” She smiled triumphantly up at him. He scowled and turned around, pinning her against an enclave of rock behind them.

“Did you now?”

[quote]Instead of growing annoyed or afraid of his actions, she only smiled the wider and delicate flush across her cheeks.[quote] the second part of this phrase is missing something, starting at 'delicate'

wow. That was so beautiful. At first, it started slowly and I didn't like it, but it caught up quickly. I loved how you used their names. I can't name off all the things I liked, it was so perfect...you heightened my fear, but it was all a game. This makes me want to go watch the Disney movie. I really...can't explain how much I liked this. The ending was the best. I love scenes like that, and you wrote it so perfectly.

If you write anything like this again, I would die to read it.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:43 am
bubblewrapped says...



Ooh interesting. Dark fairytale-ness!

There were a few typos, missed words and spelling errors, but you should be able to find those yourself with a thorough editing (failing that, most of them have already been pointed out by Clau, LOL). Overall, the things I think could be improved are:

1. Description. In some places, you repeat yourself, or use description to excess. Remember, less [can be] more, so perhaps go for streamlining in some paragraphs - particularly during the chase scene - to help focus our attention on the characters and the tension rather than the prettiness :)

2. Characters. I kind of felt they were undeveloped. Yes, this is a short piece, but that doesnt mean we dont want to see more than just the surface of your characters. I suggest reading some short stories by Bill Manhire and Salman Rushdie -- they have awesome characterizations. Beyond that, perhaps a little more depth would make the story more interesting.

Otherwise, though, I really enjoyed it :)

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
  








The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians