Young Writers Society

Fighting wars with myself


"You wanted to see me?" I asked the school secretary with interest.

"Oh, Jane, your parents were here. They said there was an important letter that came for you and said that it had to be given to you as soon as possible." Said the secretary

As I took the letter I saw that it was slightly worn and crinkled on the edges, the paper was a light brown, and it was closed with a seal, not a normal envelope. It looked as if it was from the Pilgrim times. I was not sure if I really wanted to take it, it was obviously not from this century, which meant only one thing...

"Thank you," I said. So when I got the note I went to the girls bathroom, and here's what I read,

"Dear Lady Loutus,
Hello it is Paslo, from The Order of Loutus Amorus, we desperately need you. There are demons terrorizing the land, and we need your help.

sincerely,

Paslo, second in command of The Order of Loutus Amorus."

I knew I had to go. The travel through time and world would be tiring to go yet again... but still, they had warned me last night that I might have to-- but I didn't know it would really happen. I was about to get involved in a war. I didn't know wether the cry or to smile. It would be dangerous, I would lose me friends on the relm, but for weeks I had been hoping to have a good reason to go back to Albrier.

First off, add formatting - spaced in between your paragraphs.


Im not captured by the start of the story, it isn't grabbing and it doesn't make me want to read on.


You info dump - load back history into the start. Back history isn't that good in a beginning paragraph.

Consider proof reading, there are quite a few mistakes. Read it allowed and correct all what sounds odd.

Salutations!

Apologies, I just randomly decided to critique a little of your story, since you only got one reply. I don't have time to edit much, but here are some pointers on the beginning:

lulu_lizzrd wrote:Fighting wars with myself

I like that title.

I was only half-way into class when I was called into the office. I haven't been in trouble... I knew I wasn't in trouble so I became a little less worried, But what if it was because something else? When I got to the office the secretary called me over to talk to me.

This seems too rambling for an opening paragraph. You might consider starting directly with a scene, such as Jane peering around the door of the office and saying timidly, "You wanted to see me?" Show that she doesn't know what's going on instead of telling.

"Oh, Jane, your parents were here, they say they have an important letter that came for you and said that it had to be given to you as soon as possible, "said the secretary

For future reference, the space goes after the quote marks. You also forgot a period. It should read:
...as soon as possible," said the secretary.

"Thank you." I said. So when I got the note I went to the girls bathroom, and here's what I read,

Whoa, whoa, slow down. This is your first scene; you need to establish some setting. Show the secretary handing her the letter. What does it look like? Is there any hint of what might be inside? Is she apprehensive about the letter? Does she want to tear it open right away?

"Dear Lady Loutus,
Hello it is Paslo, from The Order of Loutus Amorus, we desperately need you. There are demons terrorizing the land, and we need your help.
sincerely,
Paslo, second in command of The Order of Loutus Amorus."

This doesn't sound like a military letter. Try to find a collection of old military letters for a better feel of how they sound.
Also, are we in a fantasy world or not? If we are, you might want to drop some hints to that effect.

I new I had to go, they had warned me last night that I might have to, but I didn't know it would really happen, I was about to get involved in a war.

"New" should be "knew."
How does she feel about this? Has she been preparing for war, training, etc? Is she eager to do it? A little scared? Terrified out of her mind?

That's all I have time for right now, but remember: Don't skimp on the opening scene. It's the most important scene in the book and has to grab the reader's attention right away.

Good luck!
Cheers, Shafter

Hi again!
Great improvement on the intro! I'm critiquing it again to help you smooth out the mechanical issues, but overall it was much better!

Just so you know, a lot of the typos in this piece could be avoided by simply spell-checking your work before you post it.

"You wanted to see me?" I asked the school secratary with intrest.

Much better opening-- it puts the reader right into the scene.
"Secratary" should be "secretary," and "intrest" should be "interest."

"Oh, Jane, your parents were here. They said there was an important letter that came for you and said that it had to be given to you as soon as possible," said the secretary

You forgot to put a period at the end of this sentence.

As I took the letter I saw that it was slitghtly worn and crinkled on the edges, the paper was a light brown, and it was closed with a seal, not a normal envalope. It looked as if it was from the pilgrim times. I was not sure if I really wanted to take it, it was obviously not from this century, wich ment only one thing...

I like the way you describe the letter, letting the reader know that something's different here.
"Slightly," "envelope," "which," and "meant" are misspelled. "Pilgrim" should be capitalized.

"Thank you." I said.

The period after the "you" should be a comma instead. That applies to all dialogue.

I new I had to go, the travel through time and world would be tiring to go yet again but still, they had warned me last night that I might have to, but I didn't know it would really happen, I was about to get involved in a war.

"New" should be "knew."
For more impact, you might consider ending the first sentence at "go" and starting a new one with the next thought. The run-on sentence fits the state of mind she's in, but try a semicolon or a dash here and there to break it up more. For instance, you might punctuate it:
"I knew I had to go. The travel through time and world would be tiring to go yet again... they had warned me last night that I might have to-- but I didn't know it would really happen. I was about to get involved in a war."
Again, that's just an example. The way you have it written isn't wrong, it's just a little awkward.

I din't know weather the cry or to smile, it would be dangerous, I would loose me friends on the relm, but for weeks I had been hoping to have a good reason to go back to Albrier.

Yay! Emotion! Now the reader understands how Jane feels about the situation: The fact that she had an idea this was coming, was half-hoping this was coming. Good job.
"Didn't," "whether," "lose my."
Again, I would end the first sentence at the comma and start a new one at "It would be..."
What do you mean by "relm"?

See in the land of Albrier, the world is not like ours, there is magical creatures, evil demons, summoners, potion makers, and most importantly magyk users. Magyk users are cal Magykials, and usually they are lords , the first lords and have earned the title The Brings. There are a few that do not choose the path of royalty though, but those who do not choose it are sort of "hunted" because The Brings consider them a threat. Those threats call them selves The Creotuas, The Brings consider them a threat because they too can use magyk, and if they were ever to decide they wanted to become lords or then they could take over The Brings places. Right now as it stands The Brings do not even know the enormous affect that The Creotuas are having on the lands, they are gathering peasants from all the lands, farmers, masons, anybody who will join, so they can create a new civilization.

This is an unncessary explosion of information. You don't have to tell the reader everything at first; in fact, it's better to string him along, making him wonder what the heck is going on. You might choose to put this information elsewhere or at least cut it down a little.

I know this information because I am Lady Loutus, head of The Loutus Amorus, we are equally matched and skilled as the Creotaus, we are partners with them, but I am also one of the few in the Brings, but they know nothing of my being partners with The Creotaus, and I plan to keep it that way.

This is pretty good, but it's also very wordy. Read this section aloud and delete the unnecessary words. Also, try breaking up that run-on sentence for an easier read.

And that's all I have time for now. Next edit, I'll get into the next part of the story. Looking forward to it!

Cheers! ~Shafter