Filth and Finery

Ezekiel uttered the final word of his arcane spell, the last syllable ending in a sharp cutoff. His outstretched hand glowed for an instant. Zeke's mouth turned up in a confident smirk as three bolts of arcane power shot from his fingernails and streaked toward the onrushing goblin, the tiny missiles weaving about erratically as they searched for their target. The nimble creature dodged aside, but squeaked in surprise as the three glowing bolts swerved to meet it, taking it in the throat and chest. For a moment the creature stayed on its feet, then, with a small sigh, toppled backward and slid down the hewn stone wall, lifeless.

The young sorcerer snapped his fingers enthusiastically, then turned to Seira, his feline familiar. The large panther caught his eye, then relaxed her jaw, releasing her hold on a goblin corpse. As the goblin hit the floor with a small squish, Zeke would have sworn the panther winked at him.

"Enjoying yourself?" he asked.

They scurry like mice, but they taste of slugs, Seira lamented, her purring voice echoing slightly in the mage's head.

Zeke chuckled to himself and knealt down beside his most recent kill. As he placed a hand on the stone floor to balance himself, his fingers brushed the hilt of the creature's small sword. He wrapped his fingers around it, then held it up to his eyes. The weapon was made from a single piece of iron, the blade itself sharpened to a point, and the hilt wrapped in animal hide and leather cord. In comparison to the fine dwarven craftsmanship of the longsword strapped to Zeke's back, it was scrap metal.

He discarded the blade, drawing a displeased growl from Seira when it clattered noisily to the floor. Giving the goblin's corpse a quick scan, Zeke's eyes were drawn to a small pouch tied around the goblin's neck by a leather thong. Raising an eyebrow in mild interest, he wrapped his hand around the top of the pouch and slipped it over the goblin's head. Loosing the drawstring that sealed the fur-lined pouch, Zeke overturned it into his gloved right palm. Using his thumb to separate the filth from the finery, he found himself looking at three silver coins, a tiny agate, and a small pile of shiny but worthless pebbles. He dropped the pebbles onto the ground, then slipped the coins and gem back into the pouch and tucked the whgole package away into the satchel at his side.

"Looks like the goblins are buying drinks tonight," he muttered to himself.

He stood up from the looted corpse and strode casually toward Seira, who was now sprawled across her kill, grooming herself.

"Care to move?" Zeke asked his comanion.

Seira merely looked at him as only a feline can, with complete slothfulness and utter nonchalance that showed she had no intention of getting up.

"I see. I guess we do this...the hard way."

Zeke reached out and grasped one huge ear in each hand, then pulled her face until she looked him directly in the eye.

"Will THIS convicne you to move?" he asked, scratching he ears vigorously. Seira purred with pleasure, her eyes half closing and her body going quite limp. She half rolled over, exposing her belly and partially uncovering the goblin she was atop. Zeke let go of her ears, then quickly moved to her belly, scratching her and rubbing her muscled stomach. Satisfied after a moment, Seira climbed to her feet and quickly nuzzled Zeke before turning and padding over to the other goblin. Zeke patted her haunches affectionately as she strode past, then turned his attention to what really interested him.

An amulet hung around the goblin's maimed neck. A small, flat disk of Electrum dangled from the bloody mass, spattered with gore. Zeke picked it up and wiped the blood from the surface of it, then examined it curiously. A silver chain ran through a loop at the top of the disk, forming the necklace for the amulet. The amulet itself was inscribed with a shield emblazoned with an icon depicting two crossed battle axes, and dwarven script was written around the edge of the piece. With Zeke's faint knowlege of the dwarven language, he could only make out the word "defense," in the series of runes that covered the entire edge of the amulet.

His slightly lopsided smirk grew into a smile as he had an idea. Shoving his naked left hand into his spell component pouch, he rummaged around a moment before withdrawing it. When his hand reappered, his thumb and forefinger were both tipped in a bluish moss powder. He raised his fingers to his eyes and muttered a quick incantation. He then opened his eyes and passed his palm over the amulet. It glowed a slight blue under his enchanted gaze. Picking it up once more, he again looked at the dwarven script. He saw now that the characters did not read "defense," but "shield."

"A fine addition." Zeke's smile had morphed into a wide grin. He made a mental note of the amulet's runes, then tucked it into a small pocket in his satchel.

When he turned back to see if Seira was ready to move, he saw her ears flatten back against her skull and her lips pull back to reveal yellowed fangs.

VERMIN--

The door on the opposite side of the room exploded outward, splintering into a hundred pieces and more.

Wow, the detail and thought put into this is outstanding. One can tell that you put great thought into this piece. I can clearly visualize what is going on. You describe everything exactly. Amazing. :]

Wow, that was awesome; I especially liked how you showed Zeke and Seira's connection as friends more than just allies. The only two things that bothered me were first, you put "he" instead of "her" when Zeke scratched Seira's ears, and that you had a panther familiar, which reminded me a little too much of Drizzt. Of course, no one says there can't be two panther friends in the whole world of fantasy!

Filth and Finery
Phoenix

Evaluation

"Zeke's mouth turned up . . ."
This early on, I would not suggest going by his nickname; to be perfectly honest, I was at a loss for a moment as to who this was 'Zeke' was. You may include that this Ezekial goes by such a name in the narrative.

". . . the tiny missiles weaving about erratically . . . "
I find describing lightning as 'tiny missiles' is slightly awkward; I would think something like an arrow or anything that has substance and is used as a projectile as a 'missile'. Consider rewording.

"For a moment the creature stayed on its feet, then, with a small sigh, toppled backward and slid down the hewn stone wall, lifeless."
I believe this sentence could be broken up, having four commas within it. Consider revising.

". . . to himself and knealt down beside his . . . "
I assume that 'knealt' should be replaced with 'knelt'.

". . . and tucked the whgole package away into . . ."
Again, I assume that 'whgole' should be replaced with 'whole'.

"Zeke asked his comanion."
Once more, I assume that 'comanion' should be replaced with 'companion'.

"'Will THIS convicne you to move?'"
And one more time, I assume that 'convicne' should be replaced with 'convince'.

"With Zeke's faint knowlege of the dwarven language . . ."
Maybe once more, I assume that 'knowlege' should be replaced with 'knowledge'.

"When his hand reappered, his thumb and . . . "
Finally, I assume that 'reappered' should be replaced with 'reappeared'.

Analysis

I applaud you with such a fine work, sir. It is a fine start that I assume will be continued with such an ending as that. However... In the beginning, you explain that the lightning came from his fingertips. As I read, you described his right hand as being gloved. I went to henceforth comment on how such a spell can originate from a gloved hand, but then you described his left hand as being 'naked'. Therefore, I assume his left hand was the one that cast the spell that killed the goblin. It'd just be interesting to include why such a thing would arise in the story.

On the topic of the death of this goblin, it seems fantasy fiction these days does not take death seriously. You describe your main character as being confident or, dare I say, cocky. You also describe his familiar winking at him; this seems to suggest an atmosphere that these two characters are familiar with killing. I do not know about you, but I would not find killing anything a joyous business, but it has to be done. I doubt that I would ever be confident enough as to smirk when my life is on the line. I would just like to make the point that killing isn't exactly something fun to do. However, your story seems to be written in a manner such that humor plays a major role rather than minor.

Also, I would think that goblins rather lack intelligence. This is another problem I see in fiction. To bring up examples, I've seen barbaric creatures in games and stories alike, described as brutal and having a thirst for blood; but then you see the author introduce the capture of an individual that the character must save. Those two, the description of the beasts, and then the actions those beasts take contradict. I just find goblins to lack intelligence altogether and fight with a nimble form--having little defense, but adept at evading their foes. I find it unreasonable to have described the character finding coins on the corpse of a goblin; why would the goblin want coin? It just seems unreasonable. Please, correct me if I am wrong.

On a side note, as I copy and pasted your work from the Quote option, I'd just like to say that I'm pleased to see someone else double-space between sentences. Job well done, sir. I await the next installment.

This is Gannon, out.

Grading

PROSE SCORING
Story Plot: 8.3 / 10.0
Exposition: 8 / 10
Conflict: 8 / 10
Resolution: 9 / 10

Character: 8.0 / 10.0
Individuality: 7 / 10
Goal: 8 / 10
Dialogue: 9 / 10

Presentation: 9.3 / 10.0
Spelling: 9 / 10
Grammar: 9 / 10
Punctuation: 10 / 10

Miscellaneous: 8.7 / 10.0
Regularity: 10 / 10
Originality: 7 / 10
Enthusiasm: 9 / 10

Tilt: 10.0 / 10.0

Total Score: 8.7 / 10.00 GREAT

Thanks for the analysis Gannon--ihad I taken the time to correct my spelling ahead of itme, perhaps I would have recieved a higher score

In the world where Zeke and his feline friend are, Goblin's are not savage beasts, but diminutive, sentinent but altogether malicious creatures. There are exceptions, of course, butr for the most part, they are cruel little buggers. They use money just as humans, elves, and dwarves would--to buy things. Again, just as elves and dwarves and humans, they are a part of society, though a severely disliked one. They have their won language, community, and emotions. They're not animals. Hope that helps

As for Zeke's initial spell, it is not lighting, and was never presented as such . I described the magic as "bolts of arcane power," essentially meaning that they are as if fired from a crossbow, for ammunition fired froma crossbow is often referred to as "bolts," or "quarrels." I think when you saw "Bolts," you immediately assumed they were LIGHTNING bolts.

Zeke's character: Zeke holdss no love for evil. In fact, he fights it whenever he can. He takes pleasure in knowing that he has rid the world of evil, no matter how small it may be. And he like shiny things. He may not take pleasure in the kill, but he has grown accustomed to it, and, having killed goblins like this with ease in the past, would show some confidence in his ability to counter their clumsy offense and return with his own, skilled retaliation. It's not that he takes pleasure in killing, it's that he enjoys the thrill and is pleased that he might serve his purpose.

Again, thanks guys!

I disagree with Gannon about the early introduction of Zeke, I found nothing wrong with that. It was very well written, I loved it. Well done.

Good work. Nothing negative from me. I just say more, more, more, more.

I agree with Bobo though. Salvatore has claimed the panther. You should make a different animal famous.

Glad your writing again Dono.

-MH

It didn't suck. In fact, it was quite good.

The one thing that I would suggest (besides clearing the typos, but you guessed that) is to make it clear that this goblin is sentient. At the moment, it sounds like a tiny little creature that could be a rabbit instead, except by appearance. So I was very much surprised when the goblin had money...

You can introduce this fact in dialogue towards the beginning. Plus, that might make the beginning faster, which also might be nice (in moderation, of course!)

Also, I disagree with Gannon -- calling him Zeke is fine.

I really enjoyed this and adore your character Ezekial which I believe I have heard before, is it the name of an angel or a demon or somethign biblical? Zeke seems to represent youth which is fine.

I like the way you use magic here and love how the familiar intereacts with her companion.

I hope you continue this.

Well done.

Not bad. Not bad at all. A great opening that caught my eye. Okay, now that you've got the reader hooked with a bit of action, slowly pan out from here to give us where we are so we have a feel for the world as well as the characters. I'm sure you were getting there, but still, just making sure you don't forget or something. Now, I've only glanced over the other critiques, so I'm bound to repeat things that have already been said.

Okay, with the magic bolts, for some reason "missles" just doesn't seem to sit well with me. Sure, it's perfectly correct, but it seems out of place to me. Maybe just stick with calling them bolts.

Zeke's mouth turned up in a confident smirk as three bolts of arcane power shot from his fingernails and streaked toward the onrushing goblin, the tiny missiles weaving about erratically as they searched for their target.

Okay, onrushing would mean going straight right? So why would the magic weave erratically to find it? Maybe after he dodged, but before it sounds like they're meaninglessly weaving through the air.

For a moment the creature stayed on its feet, then, with a small sigh, toppled backward and slid down the hewn stone wall, lifeless.

Did the bolts knock it back into the wall? If it were running towards Zeke, it would likely be moving away from the wall, yet you give me the impression the it fell where it was hit. The locations seem off.

Okay, minor nitpick, but maybe find a way to squeeze in her fur color somewhere in there. Just one more little detail. But, then again, you don't really describe Zeke's looks and I didn't notice, so maybe you can leave Seira's out for now as well. (By the way, Seira is a cool name.)

One thing I want to bring up. His right hand is gloved, and he saw his hand glow when he cast the spell. Is he left handed then, as that hand is not gloved? Just curious.

"I see. I guess we do this...the hard way."

Zeke reached out and grasped one huge ear in each hand, then pulled her face until she looked him directly in the eye.

Okay, I got the wrong impression when I first read this. I thought he was actually annoyed with her, but as it moved on, I got the impression that they had been through this routine before. That it was a "playful friends annoyance", a good kind of annoyance (if that makes any sense).

Shoving his naked left hand into his spell component pouch, he rummaged around a moment before withdrawing it.

This might just be me, but at first I thought the "it" was an item being pulled out. The second time I realized it was his hand. Maybe try rewording it.

Zeke's smile had morphed into a wide grin.

Morphed? Okay, now you're just trying too hard. "broadened" or "changed" would sound far better in my opinion.

The end does leave me hanging. Possibly because you could go a million different directions with it.

Overall, nice peice. There are the inevitable grammatical mistakes, but I'm sure you'll catch them when you reread so I'm not going to bother pointing them out. I'm curious as to where this goes and who the characters are other than names. Keep up the good work.

Okay...


THE GOOD STUFF:


You were very detailed! Good work! I also enjoyed the fact that you showed me the relationship between Siera and Zeke well. They seem like you found them together, instead of smushed two characters into a relationship.
Also, I notice that you didn't use "said" after "said" after "said".... The variety was nice. Just remember that said is your fwend!

Overall, I enjoyed this. More please!

STUFF YOU MIGHT CHANGE (AKA Haley's nitpickiness in action)


The first sentence, where you describe the last syllable ending in a sharp cutoff, that bit just seems to junk up the sentence. It doesn't seem very vital, unless the spells he uses have to be spoken very precisely.

The use of "missiles" a little farther down seems not to fit in this world. Don't use the word if that character wouldn't know what it was. "Bolts" also seems to do that, but maybe that's just me.

The nimble creature dodged aside, but squeaked in surprise as the three glowing bolts swerved to meet it, taking it in the throat and chest.

It seems a bit unclear in this sentence whether it's the bolts that take the goblin in the throat, or the goblin that takes them. Polish the sentence structure there so it's a little clearer.

For a moment the creature stayed on its feet, then, with a small sigh, toppled backward and slid down the hewn stone wall, lifeless.

The grammar police can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there needs to be a "but" before "then".

As the goblin hit the floor with a small squish, Zeke would have sworn the panther winked at him.

A squish? Seems more like you would hear a thud.

Giving the goblin's corpse a quick scan, Zeke's eyes were drawn to a small pouch tied around the goblin's neck by a leather thong.

Scan seems a little out of place in the way that missiles did. Makes me think of a copy machine.

An amulet hung around the goblin's maimed neck.

The word maimed seems kind of uneeded here, as we already know the goblin is dead. Might be best to remove it.

The door on the opposite side of the room exploded outward, splintering into a hundred pieces and more.

Suspenseful, but to abrupt. Bring it to more of a close, please.





Okay, so I'm just a liiiiiittle bit nitpicky, huh?

The critique bosses can feel free to correct me on anything I was wrong about.

Keep up the writing. I'd really like to read more of this.

When Zeke casts a spell, the motions, components, and words all must be near perfect--a misspoken syllable could create a very undesirable effect.

Missile is defined as "An object or weapon that is fired, thrown, dropped, or otherwise projected at a target; a projectile." This is not the kind of missile fired by aricraft of the 20st Century.

Scan is defined as "1. To examine closely.
2. To look over quickly and systematically: scanning the horizon for signs of land," as opposed to scanning a picture in a scanner.

The goblin squishes because he is covered in his own gore, his clothes soaked in blood and his neck all but removed from between his head and his bvody. He squished.

The "ending" is only and ending in that is closes the excerpt that I posted. There will be more soon.

Thanks for the replies!

Okay finally read this and it good really good one mistake which i noticed when reading was you missed the P out of Companion. It great though can't wait for next part Dono.

I do say, this is quite an interesting piece. The plot has me captivated, and though the flow was choppy at a few points, I really can't complain. Very enjoyable work; I hope to see more of the same (CLIFF HANGERS ARE THE DEVIL!!! More please, but don't rush it as doing so may take away from the quality of your work).