Young Writers Society

And, chapter four.

Well, here's chapter one for you. I'll see if I can get chapter two by the end of the week. As a whole, I'd say it's a good opener. You focus on the plot and keep description to only what needs to be said. It could perhps use a little more detail, but perhaps your fine here and just spread further setting description over the next chapter.

Your swapping of POV, while I suppose workable, is something I'd change. Per scene, I'd stick with one character's POV. It will allow the reader to attach more deeply and quickly with a character. As it is, though I am leaning towards Danic, I feel that you could just as easily follow Ryden, and at the moment he feels as though he will be a more secondary main character.

You say just enough so I'm not lost, and not so much that I feel bogged down. It gets the point across and the story started, but it seems short for an entire chapter. Perhaps go into just a few more details and a few more personal thoughts to put just a little more substnace in it, as it feels just a tad bare at the moment.

Other than that, there's really nothing I can think of to nag about. I'll get to chapter 2 when I can and see what you do as far as further development of characters and plot goes.

Well, I've finally gotten to Chapter 2. Sorry it took so long. Again, it seemed rather short for an entire chapter. I know James Patterson did it sometimes in Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment, but that bothered me. You have two entire chapters in the span of seven pages. That just seems a bit short to me.

That, and for spending the first chapter primarily focused on Danic, I assumed he would be the lead focal character. He barely makes an appearence in this chapter, instead the captain, Ryden, is the primary focal character. Is L'ira going to be the focal POV character eventually, or will she be always seen through the eyes of others. Or, is there no "focal" character, but rather several character to whom you switch to when the scene is appropriate. As it is now, I think I'm going to like where L'ira is headed.

For the rest of my thoughts, you can peruse through the edit.

Hey, I was just wondering if any more chapters are going to be uploaded for critique. I really enjoyed what I read so far and would love to read more.

Hey, got the next two chapters for you. I hope you're finding my critiques helpful, and I'm still interested in where this story goes. Keep at it.

And here's chapter four for you.

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