Young Writers Society

Kashmere Gallant’s parents were murdered when she was twelve years old. Since then, she has lived with her parents’ family friends, the Jacksons. Her life is typical, aside from she can’t remember anything from the night her parents were murdered. But all of the changes when Hunter Bursom moves to town, or maybe, back. As Kashmere and Hunter are drawn closer together, a new romance stirs in a pot of emotion, suspense, and recollections that are the key to Kashmere’s past, and to the culprit of her parents’ deaths.

This is a total rewrite of my original Recollections and it is just told from Kashmere's POV. Oh, and this is just the first two chapters and a half.

Okay, so.

I'll be frank and say right-out that this is not my type of story, so I may be in over my depth. Also, I'm an extremely nitpicky editor so don't be alarmed at the sheer amount of red in the edited document. This is all pretty much my biased opinion.

The first thing I have to caution you about is the opening. It doesn't bother me as much as it does some other reviewers here, but be warned that the "main character wakes up on a typical morning and goes to school" opening is rather cliche and tends to be overdone, especially in this genre. It worked for me, though it didn't really hook me (the prologue did, though), but I know some people who'd probably implode if they had to read another "typical morning" opening. Just a warning.

A few other overdone elements I pounted out--being late, the transfer student. Even the news report might fall under this, though I can't think of another way for the reader to find out about the murders.

The murders. That element bothered me the best, mostly because of how trite it came across within the scheme of the story. You set up with a bam-tastic paragraph a murder mystery that goes beyond just a murder mystery and becomes a matter of national security--and yet the rest of the story is spent focusing on the typical day, and the love life, of a teenage girl. I do get the feeling that the romance aspect of this story is meant to be the focus, not the political aspect, which I'm sure works for the audience you're aiming for. Nonetheless, I'd advise you to focus a bit more strongly on the impact of the governor murders, or at the very least, make it less over-the-top. As it is now, it is pretty much a national emergency. The US government will be looking both domestically and overseas for the culprits and the entire nation would be on alert. Some elements in the government might even be considering war. If you don't want to climax of this story to be World War III, then change things. Don't have all the governors die at the same time, no matter how dramatic that might be because it'll have repercussions that will, like it or not, twist your story into something more than a teen romance story. Have the news report just a single governor murder, and have the governor murders spaced out over the period of years (as it is with real serial murders). You'll get the same reaction from Kashmere (and hell, it'll make more sense since it'll explain her relative lack of alarm), and Washington won't be in a frenzy. People won't suspect a conspiracy, or at least they won't suspect as large a conspiracy as the simultaneous deaths of every governor might entail.

Prose-wise, you seem to be really fond of a certain sentence structure whose name I can't frakkin' recall. I've pointed it out enough times in the edited document. Just beware of this. I know this is probably a rough draft, and that's fine--your prose naturally won't be the most polished. Editing is your chance to cut out all the deadwood and tighten your sentences. As I said in the comments, do not be afraid to be emphatic. State things flat out. Don't let your sentences ramble. Naturally, don't let every sentence be three words long because then your story will become a children's book. Rather, variety is key. Right now, you have too many ramblers and run-ons, so you need to chop those ramblers up.

A few mispellings here and there, but nothing too major to keep me from reading.

All right, I know I sounded like I hated it. To be honest, I didn't love it, because as I said before, this is simply not my kind of story. Nonetheless, for its genre it works very well. You have a strong understanding of how teenagers interact and think--I love how lovestruck Kashmere is, for instance. The specific details you used to write the high school setting are very realistic. You're also quite subtle when it comes to writing relationship and emotional cues. I'm particularly impressed by the way that you depicted Kashmere's growing interest in Hunter, without ever coming right out and stating that she's becoming interested in her. The reader can infer it for themselves. That's a kind of subtlety that (oh, crud, I do not want to sound patronizing, but...) few writers your age have mastered. Ditto goes for Jared's reaction to Hunter, although it is a little less subtle than Kashmere's interest. Which is fine, because he's not trying to be subtle about it, and Kashmere naturally would be in denial when it comes to her own emotions. You also had some very nice pieces of imagery and prose here and there. All you have to do is bring the rest of the prose up to that level. Which, I know, is easier said than done.

At the very least I'm interested in reading more about the characters. Your characterization is quite good and natural; I could see all the characters as real teenagers. They're not too perfect, not too bratty either. I suppose that's because you're a teenager yourself, but even teenage writers tend to portray teenage characters either as Mary Sue wish fulfillment templates or else irredeemable. The fact that your characters feel like people is no small accomplishment.

So yeah, if there's more, I'll be happy to read it. If you have any questions or just want to yell at me for my harsh critique (I'm fine with that too), feel free to PM me.

Hey there,
This was a really enjoyable read. There were some grammar mistakes that I commented on, but I love the plot, very entertaining.

Good job,
Tiffany

P.S. I would love to read more. If you post more can you PM?