Young Writers Society

deleted

I'm more of a sucker for epic sword battles than sorcery anyways haha..

I'll try to get around to this as soon as possible. I can't give you a sepificic time I'll get it done; maybe by the end of the week. If you get impatient pm me to remind me to get it done.

Okay I got done faster than I thought I would. All right...firstly, this was good. The pace was pretty good, and it wasn't rushed or thrown together in a sloppy manner. That's a good start. The whole thing about a man being inside a girl's body is a surprise that's really interesting. However, the way it was developed was nondescriptive and boring. You just explain how he's inside this girl's body and do nothing with it; you don't tell how it happened, or even describe the experience of how he first came into noticing this occurence. I would try to go back a bit when writing about the guy's life and have him start have noticeable, strange things happening to him, like having flashes of being this girl, instead of just straight-up telling what happened.

Quite honestly, that's the only thing that really needs to be worked on here. You are telling way too much. There's nothign wrong with a bit of telling every now and then, but you're overdoing it, and while I personally don't get annoyed with it, I must say that there are a ton of people who get irritated easily by this kind of thing. Use imagery and dialogue to set up interesting story points. Let the characters speak for themselves and let them do some explaining, instead of just doing it yourself. Because when you just tell the entire time, it's not fun for the reader to have to wade through it all.

Well, that's all I have to say with regards to that. You did a pretty good job; just work on showing as much as you are telling.

The novel is finished, at least for now.
On January I'll have to add at least another 7-8 thousand words, tucked in here and there, to approach the minimum standard of 40K for a short novel.
So feedback would be very very much appreciated

Put the rest up on here and I'll read it for you.

Just downloaded the file and started reading it, but it'll be a while before I can back to you. Weeks, even. But I will get it all done eventually.

From what little I've read so far, I do have to agree with Krupp that you're telling too much. The plot and culture are very interesting, though.

Okay, so I've read up to chapter fifteen. This is a nice quick read, so that makes it easer on me. XD

Since I'm pressed on time, I didn't do line edits, but I did notice that you have a plethora of proofreading errors. I assume you're aware of them, of course, but definitely if you plan on submitting this for publication you should go back and root out every single one. No matter how engaging your plotline, an editor will not even glance at your manuscript if it's rife with mechanical errors.

I like the plot, though. I really appreciate that this is not a story about an epic quest or "saving the world"--it's basically about preventing the destruction of one tribe. This sort of small scale is very refreshing to see in a genre dominated by epicness. The pace is snappy without being overly rushed, and the characters are well drawn.

Your worldbuilding is very good too--I love how you've chosen to make yours a society of mostly primitive tribes. Usually fantasy is about kings and empires, so focusing on this smaller scale is interesting and different. The tribes' unique cultures are well written without being gimmicky and info-dumpy. I really like how you show the toughness of the Sirdash through the manhood initiaion (though, umm, you might wanna put a warning in advance for the bestiality), rather than saying outright that they're tough. I can certainly see how brutality would fluorish in a culture like that. And good job showing how much the Pyatians have fallen. I was expecting an awesome steampunk culture from them, but I like their actual portrayal much better. XD

The whole scene with Socrates was....interesting, to say the least. At first it put me off a little, but I grew to enjoy it and the bizarre surreality. It reminded me of the Infinite Improbability Drive sequence in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The way you depicted Socrates is certainly original. XD All the same, it is a pretty big whiplash from the rest of the story. I read through it and ended up enjoying it, but a lot of people might find it very off-putting. Just a thought.

I do have the same problem as Krupp when it comes to Harry in Muaima's body. It just...happens. There doesn't seem to be anything special at all about it, and it seems Harry accepts it much too easily. A little girl's body is very different from a middle-aged man's, but you never really delve into Harry's thoughts on the subject. Or really explore his emotional state at all in the early stages of the story. I found the entire chapter called "Harry" problematic because it didn't read as a narrative at all. It read like a laundry list. "Harry did this, Harry did that." Obviously it's necessary as backstory, but I'm wondering if there isn't a more natural and dare I say more digestible way to do it. Like, have Harry-in-Muaima's memories be fuzzy at first, but then have him remember bits and pieces sporadically. Something along those lines, it's your call. But keeping it as it is is rather too info-dumpy.

I do like Harry's characterization, and how he isn't exactly just Harry the middle-aged man in a girl's body, but he still has some aspects of the girl's psyche and personality to him. It makes for some very interesting bits such as Harry with the alcohol. And how no one seems to be able to prononce "Harry." Poor Kharri.

I also like that Harry's screwing around with the Arjanti culture, introducing them to arrows and holding queens hostage and everything you'd expect from a man from our world versed with pop culture. It always annoys me that in "sucked into a fantasy world" stories, the hero never tries to share their modern knowledge with the fantasy world. You've subverted that brilliantly with Harry.

And Harry/Pisme just delighted me scads. I'm a firm believer and defender of love in all its forms, so it's wonderful seeing a fantasy story feature a relationship that doesn't fall into standard categorization. Harry's thoughts on just what exactly his feelings for Pisme make him are amusing, and I find it wonderful that he decides it doesn't matter and goes ahead pursuing Pisme anyhow.

Overall, this is looking good so far. The only really weak part is the beginning; focus on making it less telly and more impactful. I'll definitely keep on reading, and if I keep it at this pace I should be finished very soon. ^^

You're lucky napalm, people read your work.

Bickazer,
I could hug you. Thank you for seeing through the main conceptual core - a reaction against the megalomanic soap operas in the genre; for noticing that Harry behaves like he is really from our world, especially after having his psyche restarted by the old sage; and for even noticing the nod to Douglas Adams. It's actully a double nod, one is the Improbablity drive sequence, the other is Kate's delirium after the airport blows up in The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul. Which I myself only realized after looking at the penguins I've desrcibed, and changing them in the last moment to Kangaroos.
Oh yeah
P.S. Aspiring Author, even working on the formating, on the basic visual level of your novel will help the reader. And maybe if you pubish a few chapters separately in some section, with links to the whole novel, you'll generate some interest, and if not that - at least some feedback, to apply maybe to the rest of the book. Good luck

Finally, I have finished reading this baby. I have a few things to say, not much, seeing as that a lot of it remains the same as I've said before..

For starters, it was a clever story, as I've said before. The part where you brought Socrates in and introduced him to Harry, the entire setting for that scene, was wonderful. It was beyond cool, and that is without a doubt my favorite scene. Also, the entire procession of the Sirdash becoming warriors, as brutal as it was to read at times, was an admirably disgusting read, but nonetheless I enjoyed it as well, obviously. Those two scenes alone were worth reading this whole thing.

As I've said before, the only real thinga I think you need to take a look at are showing and telling, and developing background stories a little more. You developed Harry's character well enough, yes, but did so through almost all telling. I have no issues with doing some telling, obviously, and you've seen that in my works. But throughout the story you did more telling that what was necessary, in my opinion. If you can cut back on that, that would be excellent. Instead, I would suggest using dialogue as one way of giving out info about a tribe or piece of history or whatever. You did that somewhat, and that is when your info really shined.

As for development, I really do believe there were some parts of the story that could've been elaborated on a bit more. Socrates, as great and outrageous as his character was, seemed a bit wooden at times; I would've liked to have seen more about his backstory developed. And when I mean that, I mean that I would've enjoyed you taking a few more pages up to tell Socrates' story, and how he ended up getting to become a venerable "god" to some of the people in that world. And as I said about the telling, it really didn't give us a chance to really get to know Harry right away, not from an up-close-and-personal view, anyway, which is the view I try to utilize for my own characters when I write. So if you can, for future notice, try to develop the characters' background and past stories a bit more. It will make your characters that much more appealing, and readers will want to follow them to the ends of the earth.

Besides taht, I greatly enjoyed this. I was surprised it was only 40,000 words long, because it read much shorter than it actually was. I think you could easily add another 20 or 30,000 words to the story and make it one, long, epic novel.

Finished!

Hahaha, I'm really grateful to you, Krupp. XD You said everything that I was going to say, so thanks for sparing me the effort of repeating your points.

Now, on to what little I have to add.

I emphasize that you really ought to lengthen this. As it is, it's quite short for a novel, and lengthening it would let you get closer to the characters and cut back on the telling, as Krupp said. I'd particularly like to see more of Harry's interactions with the Arjanti, Pisme especially. Their relationship didn't come out of nowhere, but after that campfire scene it didn't seem like you did much with it.

Also, one little area I felt a little uncomfortable with--Harry coming so quickly to the conclusion that radiation was killing the Pyatians. It just seemed to happen so...immediately. Harry isn't a scientist and most of his exposure to ideas of radiation would have come from TV. It doesn't seem realistic that a layman would jump so quickly to the conclusion that the flying machines' fuel was radioactive. It would be more realistic if Harry had to deliberate for a little bit (not too long), piecing together his knowledge and what the letter says, before reaching that conclusion.

Finally--watch it with the mechanical errors! I noticed more and more as the story progressed. When you're revising, go back and go over every sentence with a fine-toothed comb. In a rough draft errors are ok and they didn't really bother me (except for the "slade/sled" thing, for some reason), but the finished work should be as polished and professional as you can make it.

Overall, this was a good read and certainly a new twist on a genre prone to cliches. ^^ I'd be more than happy to read over any revisions you do.

Krupp, Bickazer,
thank you both for your to the point advice and opinion. This is so rare haha.
More Socrates, more Pisme, more deliberating before jumping to conclusions, more dialogues, less mechanical mistakes. I'll leave town in two days, and will return by feb 10th, and then I will try to incorporate your advice into the Oceans. Thank you so much.

As I'm writing this its morning here, and I've planned the whole day for writing, and in ten or eleven hours I will hopefully have finished my attempts at a subversive maniac thriller. A satiric porn dystopia, in a way. If you have the time and inclination - I invite you to take a peek. Some disgusting scenes again, but self-contained in separate chapters, skipping them would not really affect understanding of the plot.

hoho!

All my suggestions are in here: