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Young Writers Society
A ramdom chapter written
Wed Feb 01, 2012 5:28 pm
Ok, so I have a idea for a Novel but I dont know if its worth writing or if its a good idea. I wrote a part of a chapter from what I invision will be the middle of the book but I want comments to see if I would actually be able to write this thing. Here it is!
“You don’t have a choice.” The thing hissed in my ear. The voice grated against my ears and made a shiver roll down my spine. I tried to pull away but that only made the bands around my arms and legs tighten; the spikes on the ropes dug into my skin making the red, metallic scented blood rush down my leg as it escaped my body.
“You cannot escape. You cannot run. You. Will. Not. Leave.” The thing said slithering around from my back to face me. Gabriel had warned me this thing was hideous but I was not prepared for what came in front of me. In the little light coming in from cracks in the ceiling of the cave I could make out four huge, black pits that must have been its eyes. The thing was at least ten feet tall and resembled a large snake without the scales. In place of scales it had what appeared to be skin. Human skin. I almost threw up when I realized why. I should have known. The Hylaryn, known for skinning its victims and using their skin as protection from the Angels.
I watched as the killer demon circled me as a lion does its pray. I would rather fight a lion than this thing through; this hell beast had the entire power of the Underworld backing it. I listened closely to the drip of the water falling from the ceiling of the dark cave trying to calm myself. I knew if I could just get out of these bindings I had a fighting chance but for now my fate was in the hands of one of the most notorious beings ever to be created.
“You’re breaking. You’re hope…you’re spirit is breaking. Such a shame…you have one of the stronger spirits I have come into contact with…” the thing mused, still circling me. It didn’t make a sound on the uneven rock floor. I fought the urge to fight back against the bonds that still held my limbs. I knew if I did all I would gain would be more pain and I was about at my level now.
“So strong…so strong…most would be trapped in their minds screaming to get out…why have you not broken?…” the Hylaryn’s tone had changed into an extremely annoying murmur. I knew why I hadn’t broken, but no matter what, the monster that had me trapped could not find out.
“So strong…,” it repeated again, this time stopping in front of me. It raised its head and let out a low, nerve-racking growl that sounded like it came from the chasms of hell itself. “Unnatural. You have lied. You are not a sweet, succulent human.” It lowered its head a little with each word until its horrifying eyes were level with mine, and its disgusting face made up of tortured victims was only an inch from mine.
My breath came out in small gasps and I felt my chest move up and down, different from the rest of my body, which was as still as stone. It tilted its head slightly to the left, and I felt myself mimic it. As its head moved the opposite way mine followed like a charmer and its snake. I was loosing it. Every moment that horrible thing held eye contact with me I felt myself being dragged deeper into the shadowy pit of misery and madness.
“Nephilim…” It hissed continuing to move its head back and forth, back and forth. My body copied it in slower, less exact movements. I couldn’t form a complete thought; everything was a fuzzy blur. I felt despair and hopelessness start to consume me. The only thing I was able to comprehend besides the mesmerizing movements of the creatures head was that I was in incredible danger. This thing knew who I was, and along with that, how to kill me.
“The Angels are back…I cast many of your kind into the depths of hell…you will not be any different…such a shame…such pretty skin…,” the thing flicked its tongue out and used it to peel away a little bit of skin on my arm. I felt the searing pain of the poison in its saliva run up my arm and overwhelm my senses, making everything blurry and a loud ringing noise infect my eyes and ears. I had lost the one thing keeping me sane, the drip-dripping of the water falling off of the cave’s ceiling.
The poison would kill me within five minuets if the Hylaryn didn’t finish me by then. Already, I felt the sharp tug of madness pulling on my psyche and daring me to let go and jump into the crushing insanity.
As I looked into this things eye, another strange anomaly took place. I felt another part of my brain get tugged in a different direction. This tug was normal though, and even though I tried to resist it, I knew that was useless. I was pulled into a soul gaze with the hell beast.
All of sudden, I saw before my eyes a million of years of sin and terror that this creature had witnessed and taken part in. This demon was evil in its most primal sense. I saw babies get torn apart in their mother’s arms. There were children tortured for information they didn’t know, and people mutilated for the fun of evil spirits from hell. I witnessed a million years of pain and death and it practically tore me apart. Death was everywhere in this creatures past, present, and future. Death in its most hideous form.
I let loose a scream that not only broke the soul gaze but blew the creature back into the opposite wall. The tantalizing madness was replaced by an irrational wave of rage that fueled my entire being. The air started glowing with a golden light illuminating the cave walls and the demon sprawled before me. I felt my vision sharpen and everything was erased from my mind besides the one task of killing what was in front of me.
“Wha-?“ the thing started, but I didn’t give it a chance to finish. I held my hand out in front of me and felt a burning sensation engulf my entire body. Not knowing what I was doing or what was happening, I screamed again.
“Ignis!” the one word tore from my throat. I felt power behind it; a strange, foreign power that overwhelmed my body and mind. My vision flashed blue as a long, skinny, blue torrent of fire shot out of my opened palm at the Hylaryn. The blast blew me back, and I landed hard onto the jagged rock floor.
So there it is! I have more but this is just a little part. Also, the creature doesn't really have a name yet so any suggestions would be awesome! Hylaryn is just something I came up with quickly.
I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library. - Jane Austen
Sun Feb 05, 2012 2:51 pm
I like how you started this off with Angels and The Underworld, that's a good way to catch interest. As for the thing, I was thinking it was a big snake like being that forms kind of like a slug and is really intimidating- but I don't know if that's what you were going for. Describe this creature in a little more detail. The beginning is pretty terrifying as a description, the way you described it. I really like it.
As for the story- I'd say, go for it.
You've got action, Angels, the Underworld, all sorts of things with tons of potential.
This story sounds pretty awesome. I'd read it!
Death Cab for Cutie - Funeral For A Friend - A Day To Remember - Taking Back Sunday - Safetysuit - There For Tomorrow - OneRepublic - All American Rejects - Yellowcard - Motion City Soundtrack
Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:48 am
This is like shooting a rocket into the sky and guessing which star it will hit.
No novel is perfect from the beginning. This will need redrafting and editing and moving around and all that other stuff. One one hand, this could be perfect, but your ego gets too big and the rest of the novel might suck. On the other, you might get shot down early and miss your chance to write something spectacular just because you got a bad comment based on a scrap.
Just write it anyway. If it's good, then you have something to work with. If it's bad, make it better.
What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
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