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Wed Nov 28, 2007 1:54 pm
helenelizabethclarke says...



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Last edited by helenelizabethclarke on Fri Dec 19, 2008 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 5:32 pm
Azila says...



Very nice! It seems very promising.

In the future (when you're posting longer things) I think you should post in the Literary Forums. And also make sure that your story isn't just a big block of text.

For example, rather than this:
helenelizabethclarke wrote:“What a beautiful day,” Christa whispered to herself. The sun was shining and the field behind her house seemed to be aglow with sunshine. Lush green grass dotted with daisies surrounded her and all the trees were blooming with yellow and red flowers. It was a sight that Christa loved and she used the fields as her escape. A place, where all her troubles and worries melted like snowdrops in the warm, summer sun.
Christa sauntered through the fields, the grass coming high above her knees, but unlike most of the girls in Littsdale, Christa didn’t care how dirty she got or whether her dress got ripped, she enjoyed being out and adventuring in the village which she loved immensely.

It should be this:

helenelizabethclarke wrote:“What a beautiful day,” Christa whispered to herself. The sun was shining and the field behind her house seemed to be aglow with sunshine. Lush green grass dotted with daisies surrounded her and all the trees were blooming with yellow and red flowers. It was a sight that Christa loved and she used the fields as her escape. A place, where all her troubles and worries melted like snowdrops in the warm, summer sun.

Christa sauntered through the fields, the grass coming high above her knees, but unlike most of the girls in Littsdale, Christa didn’t care how dirty she got or whether her dress got ripped, she enjoyed being out and adventuring in the village which she loved immensely.


Keep writing and posting... but in the future, try to post more so we've got more to review! :wink:

Please PM me with questions/comments!

~Azila~
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 5:43 pm
snap says...



It looks good. Very elegant writing. I would agree with the above, as to posting in literary forums and breaking it up, and the only thing I would suggest is, at the end, to avoid that bit of info-dumping. :) For example:

but unlike most of the girls in Littsdale, Christa didn’t care how dirty she got or whether her dress got ripped, she enjoyed being out and adventuring in the village which she loved immensely.

This is something that could be better shown than told. Show times where the story SHOWS her liking to be outside, and, maybe she does rip her dress, and doesn't care. That way, the readers' don't have to take your word on it. :)

Keep writing!!
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon.
~ Robert Cormier
  





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Mon Dec 03, 2007 9:38 pm
Audy says...



I do like this, it was very descriptive and it does sound promising. I cannot see anything wrong with it that hasn't been mentioned before, but if you want to improve it and create even better imagery, perhaps you could describe the setting through other senses such as sound,smell,feel, etc. Maybe she heard birds chirping, felt a breeze, smelt the wet dew of the grass, etc.

Don't limit yourself to just sights ;)

Also, there's nothing particularly wrong with this sentence:

The sun was shining and the field behind her house seemed to be aglow with sunshine.


But it irks me because it's a bit repetitive. Maybe write 'The sun was out' or something else, dunno...but you get the picture :D

Good job! I would love to read more of this sometime. :)
  





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Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:33 pm
kokobeans says...



Really good, you've got a lot of potential but there seems to be something held back.
Have you tried imagining being where Crista is, then brainstorm whatever comes to mind. Don't worry about fitting everything in or straying off the point. Kudos.
  








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