I care too much what people think. More than most people, I know. Because who takes it to such a level as I do?
When I'm around my family, I'm afraid to show my true self. They know I write -- though I didn't tell them -- and they know I go on this site, but every time someone walks by I click on my Facebook tab because it's easier just to do that. It's easier than to explain myself.
When I'm with my friends -- my best friends, not fake friends -- I'm afraid to give my opinion on much more than books. Even music, I rarely show disdain for. When we talk about things that are semi-serious, mostly I just agree with what they say because, really, do they want me to disagree? To tell them they are being too extreme?
Most times I'd rather be alone than with them. If they exclude me in something -- unless it's something they know I really want to do -- I say I don't really care... and I don't. If they ask first I say I don't care... and I don't. And they know this. They know I'm going to say that.
When it comes to anyone -- friends, not friends, best friends -- I don't like feeling poor, like most don't. Not that I'm poor, per se, but I like to have as much and as nice things as my friends. Everyone does.
But the odd thing is, I also don't like having more. I don't like having nicer, newer, just better things. Because I feel like they'll think me conceited if I have better things. Or they'll resent me for having more.
I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be dumb, stupid, naive, or in any way inferior -- but I don't want to be superior. I don't want to be smarter, get better grades, be better at sports or school or anything like that. I want to be exactly like everyone else when it comes to things like that.
If someone were to compare my writing with a friend's -- any friend's -- I wouldn't mine to be worse, but I wouldn't want it to be better, either. To spare their feelings? Maybe. I don't really know. Maybe it's because I don't want people to think I'm arrogant or that I think I'm better than them. Because I don't. In fact, I feel so inferior in almost every aspect compared to almost any one, or at least those whom I care about their opinion's.
I sometimes wonder what my friends truly think about me. I sometimes wonder if they ever talk about me, and what they would say. But I also don't want to know; what if I don't like the answer?
I'm even afraid to post this here; what if someone realized it was me? Then what would they think...?
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