Young Writers Society

Hello

Wow that is a veryyyy long poem Its nice in the way that you described what was passing by you, but really (no hard feelings please) i think you should have kind of made clear what you were doing, because i kept on getting lost. First i thought something was going to happen in the ally and then i got confused when you started to talk about the children chasing the cats instead. And the repetition of your words kind of lost me as well, maybe it would be better if you could rhyme. but in the end its nice but i really believe you could do better.

Keep writing

Hudz
xxx

Hi! I really liked your poem. The repetition of words and phrases really fit. I love your style in this. There are some things I would change, but they aren't very big.

Tired from work, I walk home
Step, step, step. My feet go
Home, there I will head
Step, step, step. My feet go
Into the alley I went you're in present tense here so 'went' doesn't make much sense. You could even use 'go' again, I think

And I saw them again;
(Every day I do, and so I do now)
In the alley where I went
I saw them again
Again and again, they’re there
The crisp wind of cold and drear
Led my way onto a minute’s year
Long days shall come
But they’re still they’re there
Again

This stanza kind of confused me. I'm not quite sure what you're talking about, but I really do like the second line.

Children, dust and grime all over, perhaps 'Children, covered in dirt'
Chase the street cats’ tails
Around and around they go
With a stick to push the poor pusses I don't like the word 'pusses' here. Perhaps 'creatures'? 'felines'?
Run, run; they nuzzle to and fro what are they nuzzling to and fro? To and fro is a bit of a cliche, too
Every day I see them, the children,
Chase the cats’ tails Chasing the cats' tails
They never caught a single one;
Naught and only naught,
But still they chase, chase, chase
Every night I saw them How about another line or something 'Every night I see them'
Chase, chase, chase

Drunken men sit in a circle
And a circle of fine men they are
Drink, drank, drunk, they did
And tell stories too I don't like the 'too'.
Stories of you, me, us and all
Driving the cold nights
And the lonely days
Away with vine from Rhine
Drink, drank, drunk they did
To while away the time,
To wash away the moment
Drink, drank, drunk, the scent seeps
Slowly, yes, slowly in the night
Cars went here and there
The sound of brakes resonate
As they stop in front of houses
Cars from here and there
Mile long, mile short
Stop in front of houses
And came out him and her
Whoever they are, well
They’re there every night
Mile long they went
Mile short they came
Wherever they’re from
They’re here, and this night
They’re there

This is my favorite stanza.

Laughs and giggles
Murmurs and whistles
Words and letters came out
Of the dark, back there a shout
Slow, low they are
But I hear them, yes, I do
Laughs and giggles
Murmurs and whistles
The sounds of the night
The lyrics of the stars above
And the tune of the moon
Hear them at the same time
And they’re there
A chamber of music
The music of the night

See, smell, listen and tell
The Night, the breeze, the stars and the moon
See, smell, listen and tell well
A good person sees behind shadows
A fine person smells despite the chill
A great person listens to the world
But only a real person can live and tell
The tale
And I do
Each and every night
See, smell, listen and tell well
Again, again, I do
I did, I do and ever I will

I would shorten these two stanzas up and combine them.

I don't really have much else to say. It is a bit of a long poem, but the rambly-ness gives it more character so in that way it's nice. I'd just be afraid that your reader might get bored. Otherwise, great poem! Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.

alfredsymon wrote:Tired from work, I walk home
Step, step, step. My feet go
Home, there I will head
Step, step, step. My feet go
Into the alley I went

Instead of the 'step, step, step' it might come to life a tad more if you use onomatopoeia and create a noise instead. For example "clack, clack, clack." "thud thud thud" "tap tap tap". I'm not really sure what sort of noise you'd use for stepping... but I'm sure there's one out there haha

alfredsymon wrote:And I saw them again;
(Every day I do, and so I do now)
In the alley where I went
I saw them again
Again and again, they’re there
The crisp wind of cold and drear
Led my way onto a minute’s year
Long days shall come
But they’re still they’re there
Again

A rather chilling sort of feel in this stanza, as if you're being watched... fantastic use of imagery.

alfredsymon wrote:Children, dust and grime all over,
Chase the street cats’ tails
Around and around they go
With a stick to push the poor pusses
Run, run; they nuzzle to and fro
Every day I see them, the children,
Chase the cats’ tails
They never caught a single one;
Naught and only naught,
But still they chase, chase, chase
Every night I saw them
Chase, chase, chase

Again, I'm not so sure about the 'chase, chase, chase'. it's a little bit awkward and wordy, but that's just my opinion.
I loved the stanza after that, so nothing to say there!

alfredsymon wrote:See, smell, listen and tell
The Night, the breeze, the stars and the moon
See, smell, listen and tell well
A good person sees behind shadows
A fine person smells despite the chill
A great person listens to the world
But only a real person can live and tell
The tale
And I do
Each and every night
See, smell, listen and tell well
Again, again, I do
I did, I do and ever I will

The repetition really works here, it has quite a poetic essence to it. Lovely
The ending was beautiful as well, not much critiquing to do here! Keep writing

Hello again.

This poem of yours is very interesting and it had me staring at the screen in wonder. I found some of the lines a little confusing and scattered but overall a rather moving poem. Great work!

Drunken men sit in a circle
And a circle of fine men they are
Drink, drank, drunk, they did
And tell stories too
Stories of you, me, us and all
Driving the cold nights
And the lonely days
Away with vine from Rhine
Drink, drank, drunk they did
To while away the time,
To wash away the moment
Drink, drank, drunk, the scent seeps
Slowly, yes, slowly in the night
Cars went here and there
The sound of brakes resonate
As they stop in front of houses
Cars from here and there
Mile long, mile short
Stop in front of houses
And came out him and her
Whoever they are, well
They’re there every night
Mile long they went
Mile short they came
Wherever they’re from
They’re here, and this night
They’re there

I think that this stanza should probably be split into two with the 'drunken men' separated from the cars as this is what you seem to have done with all the other stanzas.

Also, maybe there should be some punctuation at the end of each line. Other than that, I think the other reviewers mentioned it all.

This is an amazing and intuitive poem and I hope you are very proud of it!


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