Young Writers Society

seen her in one of my visits to aunt matilda
sweet and beautiful as the moon princess was she
but deprived of all bounties
lads of countryside fell in love with her
but she was not just into them
waiting for some great thing to happen
countryfolk criticized her for her beautiful face
out of jealousy,or out of hatred
hard to tell
every good thing has got their enemies
that's what her mother used to tell
she was good in everything
wanted to chase her dreams
but no one would let her do that sucessfully
then came a guy that she liked
he too liked her to much of her surprise
they got along and had a great time
but happiness and joy can't last in their town
came a rich boy of the countryside
fell in love with her just like everyone else
was envy of that guy the girl was seeing
so decided to work out a strategy
there in midnight he crawled up to his home
stabbed him in heart and ran to the girl
she understands difference between love and lust
and he's one of the guys she can't trust
when news came of her beloved dying
she spend the whole night crying
hung herself the other day,rich boy's all efforts was in vain
but soon found another girl and settled down.
now,when i go there
there is an abominable lull
true love rest in peace and
the love story became immortal

Great! i like it but you need to make it look more like the past ;P

Hello youngtalentkritz,

I think this poem would be a lot better if you seperated it out into stanzas. A good way to see if a poem flows well or not is to read it out loud, and I think that if I tried to read this one out loud I'd soon run out of breath! Being the fairly long poem that it is, I think it needs some natural stops and pauses. In other words - either seperating it out into stanzas or adding punctuation - or both!

seen her in one of my visits to aunt matilda
sweet and beautiful as the moon princess was she
but deprived of all bounties
lads of countryside fell in love with her
but she was not just into them
waiting for some great thing to happen

countryfolk criticized her for her beautiful face
out of jealousy,or out of hatred
hard to tell
every good thing has got their enemies
that's what her mother used to tell
she was good in everything
wanted to chase her dreams
but no one would let her do that sucessfully

then came a guy that she liked
he too liked her to much of her surprise
they got along and had a great time
but happiness and joy can't last in their town
came a rich boy of the countryside
fell in love with her just like everyone else
was envy of that guy the girl was seeing
so decided to work out a strategy

there in midnight he crawled up to his home
stabbed him in heart and ran to the girl
she understands difference between love and lust
and he's one of the guys she can't trust

when news came of her beloved dying
she spend the whole night crying
hung herself the other day,rich boy's all efforts was in vain
but soon found another girl and settled down.

now,when i go there
there is an abominable lull
true love rest in peace and
the love story became immortal

Now that it's a little easier to read properly, I can see that there are quite a few grammar issues in this. I think you need to read through it and try and sort them out, as well as reading through it and cutting out any unecessary parts to make the poem flow more smoothly.

For instance,

now,when i go there
there is an abominable lull
true love rest in peace and
the love story became immortal

To be completely honest, I don't think that these lines make too much sense. It's very disjointed and to be honest, none of the lines in it really seem to have much to do with each other.

when news came of her beloved dying
she spend the whole night crying
hung herself the other day,rich boy's all efforts was in vain
but soon found another girl and settled down.

It's a similar problem with these. These lines do actually make sense, but I can spot quite a few problems with them.

I'd change it to:

When news came of her beloved dying
She spent the whole night crying
She hung herself the other day; that rich boy's efforts were all in vain,
But he soon found another girl and settled down.

I have three main suggestions:

1. Do a lot more proofreading. Make sure that everything you write makes sense, that everything flows well. If you see anything that doesn't contribute to the point of the poem or which feels or sounds out of place, cut it out or at least change it.

2. Seperate the poem out into stanzas, or at least add some punctuation so that there are some stops and pauses.

3. Try and show what's happening a little more rather than just telling us what's happening. I know this is harder with poetry, but often the point of poetry is to create very vivid, powerful images and/or feelings. This told us a story, but to be honest it was very much along the lines of: There was a pretty girl, whom everyone despised. Then a boy came along, and they fell in love - but another boy came along and it all fell apart. The girl eventually hung herself.

That tells a story, sure, but it's not particularly entertaining for anyone to read. Try and create more images and feelings in the poetry.

Still, I've definitely read much worse than this and I think it could be improved, even though this really isn't the type of poem I'd want to read myself - but that's just personal opinion. Whichever way, I hope this helps you.

~MorningMist~

This isn't as much in past tense as it should be, and the grammar is a little lacking... but the overall concept and idea was spot on. I'd be intrigued to see how it came out if you were to either edit this, or use the same idea for a different piece.