Young Writers Society

On whispered breeze there flies a crow,
Not knowing what he seeks
Aimless wanderer, screech of woe
Hated, banished thief

With chill of Fall beneath his wings,
He shudders from the cold
Not welcomed into anything,
Just chased by scare or scold

His blackened stare rests on me,
I grieve his pain-filled eyes
I call out out to him gently,
But he will not leave the skies

Forced to fear all good intent,
He wistfully flies alone
This battered soul in slow descent,
Starved to skin and bone

On whispered breeze he drifts away,
Black feathers bent in flight
Perhaps I'll gain his trust some day,
One chilly Autumn night

I thought that this is a lovely poem, reflecting the view from one watching the crow. I did not see anything to change other than a few commas where the lines ended depending on how you want it to be read. I thought that the end was a bit abrupt but it gives the reader something more to think about. Great job!

Keep writing!

~Chezka

"Forced to mistrust all good intent, He wistfully flies aloneThis battered soul in slow descent, Starved to skin and bone"

I can't rememer ever writing something remotely as good as that, this sums up why I write perfectly.
Thank you, you have touched my heart with this piece, I related to it, and felt so calm by the final Stanza.
Thank you very much

This is so fantastic. It is officially my favourite poem on this site and in my top three favourite poems ever along with "The white knights song" and "Do not go gentle into that good night". I love your language and imagery and the way you describe the crow more deeply than just its appearance. I'll go into the few things you should rework quickly.

His blackened stare rests on me,
I grieve his pain-filled eyes
My voice calls out to him gently,
But he will not leave the skies

"My voice calls out to him gently" I think there is one too many syllables in this line. Try "My voice calls out so gently." Other than that, this stanza is amazing.

Forced to mistrust all good intent,
He wistfully flies alone
This battered soul in slow descent,
Starved to skin and bone

"Forced to mistrust all good intent," again I think there is one too many syllables. Try swapping "mistrust" for fear or doubt. That will make in flow better. This stanza really captures the dark, lonely, tortured soul in captivating detail. I LOVE IT!

On whispered breeze he drifts away,
That little crow of mine
Perhaps I'll gain his trust some day,
One chilly Autumn night

"That little crow of mine" This line worked in the other variation of this poem but I don't think it fits here. It is too caring and tender and immediatley the dark tone is lost. Try "That rueful, wretched crow." it might sound better. I'm not a fan of my suggested line but that would be an example of the tone I think that line lacks. If it messes with your rhyming scheme, don't change it because it's not a big deal. Perfect ending by the way apart from that.

Overall as I have already said, this is so good. Please write more poetry and tell me when you do. I know I've given you a lot of compliments but they are all true and deserved. Keep writing!
Pollarbear out...
P.S. Do you actually dance or does your name mean something else?

Tiny!

I love it! Better than the Nameless bit as well
Great job writing this. 'Black Feathers' is way better!
I enjoyed this piece a lot.

Murtuza