Young Writers Society

Okay, so I wrote this in a five min rant and I'm not sure about how it is, whether it is good or not, so any suggestions and comments would be great!

I’m not much into games
but for your sack I’ll play.
You ask why
and I explain.

Cause and effect
had a great deal to do
with why, as you say,
you lost everything.

See, the story being written
started out so great
I guess I was naive to think
that it would end as such

As introductions goes
this one was a simple classic.
Girl meets boy, likes what she see’s
and you guessed it, they fell in love!

Through out the rising action
you watch her grow, transform
from a shy little turtle
into somewhat of a playful kitten.

Now over the course of a year and a half
he became her first “everything”
first kiss, touch, and lover,
and she was happy to have given him her world.

At the year and a half mark we reach the climax
and this story takes a full turn for the worst.
As in most love stories there is deception
and while the kitten was away the mouse did play.

How foolish you were, you silly boy,
to think that you could get away,
and hide your dirty deed,
from the knowledge of your so call love.

And so when she found out
her heart just stopped its beating
her sorrow the only think keeping her alive
she bid farewell to her wayward lover
and slowly turned to stone.

So when you ask me why you, as you say,
lost the only thing going good in your life
I answer with a hard smile
“That’s what happens when
'Romeo' cheats on 'Juliet'.”

That was really good, but just watch out for words that really don't need to be in your writing. At the end you should have put how Juliet ended up like did she kill herself like in the play, or did she end up finding someone else to help her forget Romeo? In all really good writing for five mins.

Ok this was a free verse, right? Nice one I'd say
I just want to add that the structure must be kept in mind. Either go from short to long or long to short sentences. Me being a prose writer dig that (lol)

But as you just went on and wrote it in five minutes, it was great and conveys quite a story.
Hope you don't mind me reviewing your work because I am new to here. Good luck!

Hi SilentRain! Demoness here to inflict her opinion on your piece! xD


Hm... This is very cliché, yet it was a cozy thing to read and I like the sort of nonchalance that roams through the poem. I do think it was a little too dull though, it didn't bring any emotion to me nor did it have anything original. If to stick with such a cliché I think you need to do your own thing with it. As it is you just tell a story, as if you told someone about it and I have the feeling that was the intention... Still - It would be much more interesting to read if you tried adding some imagery, gave a pattern to your piece and made it more descriptive and vivid than just, as it is, plain words. Mainly; Give it some spice!

Anyhows! I like the idea, it's a sweet poem but it's kind of dull so make it more intersting!

As it is, it gets 2½/5 icky, sticky spiders but I think it can reach at least 4 if you work on it

Hope I could be of any help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

HI
Well written for five minutes my friend, read over it again though. All in all I liked it but it doesnt flow as well as it should in some places, which is a let down because it works so well in others. Read over it, work on it and it'll be great
I also like how you told this story. Boys cheating on girls is nothing new but you have a unique yet simple way.
Keep writtin