Young Writers Society

there came a drum-drum-drummin'
Llike a marching band comin'

it had the town vibratin'
and all the people waitin'

oh! twas stun-stun-stunning
the kids were all runnin'

some were cheerin'
others - by windows - peerin'

the elephants came along
groovin' to their can-can song

people burstin' out the doors
all aligned in threes and fours

screamin' and wavin'
instead of time savin'

dancin' to the boom-boom-boom
on the roads, there was no room

for as the people clapped and sang
the elephant parade began

Well at first glance of this piece of writing i thought that it had a wonderfull ring to it . It flows perfectly .
There are many many reasons to like this piece . Its creative . Its fun to read and it is generally about my favorite animals!! (but that's just me! )

There are only one negative point that I can make . I thought that it could have had a tad more detail because it would have made this piece more interesting .

I hope that this helps.
(also sorry for the short review ... This is my first of many I hope ... Just joined!)

Thank you
Lorna
Xx

I like the general feel of happiness and the colloquialism of the apostrophes is very friendly and makes the piece quite happy to read. I don't know about the last word, it seemed to cut a little out of the flow, but maybe you did that on purpose. If you did, I'm not here to judge that, it could be the effect you intended.

I also loved the 'stun-stun-stunnin'' phrases, they really help to emphasise the word and make it much more vocal and almost personal, and genuine. It sounds like the persona is getting almost overexcited with the parade.

The only thing I can say though is what is the actual message of this poem? Because I don't see what it's for, haha. If you had a message, or if you had a clearer message you could have been far, far more figurative and made it a much better poem that would move on many more levels than this. Each poem needs to have a little bit of light and shadow in order for its subject matter to be profound in any way, so try thinking about that.

Well done though! Keep writing! And keep reading poems!

I aboslutely love it!

And not just because it's about elephants. It flowed very nicely and the rhymes were perfect. I thought that it was an amazing poem.

You showed the amusement and happiness of the people at the parade very well.

The only thing is you had typo or two, but other than that it was completely perfect.

Sincerely,
Ciara<3

Oh gosh. You just did the impossible...you see I hate rhyming. I HATE HATE HATE IT.

But I loved this! I love so much I want to make it in to a song! AND SING IT ALL THE TIME. I'm not convinced that it's a poem, those are lyrics right there. They are lyrics so good I can basically hear the song already.

I love you.