z

Young Writers Society


A Summer Day



User avatar
17 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Wed Apr 04, 2007 2:53 am
veronicafletcher says...



Sticky sweat dripping down my face.
Neighborhood kids running in a race.
Eating ice cream, swimming in the pool,
ANYTHING to help stay cool.
Hopscotch on the concrete,
The hot pavement burns my feet.
Sun sinks below the horizon,
This summer day is now done.
Sleeping and being dead are basically the same thing. Except when you're dead, you don't wake up. Ever. Even when your alarm clock rings.

-Ryan Zlock
  





User avatar
701 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10087
Reviews: 701
Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:03 am
bubblewrapped says...



Erm. No offense, but is there a point to this poem? This is more like what Snoink might call a "shopping-list". You're describing things to us, but you dont lead us to any conclusion - or anywhere at all, really. Your rhyming is pretty consistent, and kudos for that, but I'm afraid IMHO the poem lacks depth.

You might want to explore the topic a bit more next time, and use some imagery etc. to really put the reader in the picture, rather than just tell him/her about your day. We've all experienced those hot days - what we want here is for you to explain how *you* feel about them, and what makes this particular summer day unique, memorable, special, interesting, and so on.

If you want any help, feel free to PM me :)

Oh, and welcome to YWS!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
  





User avatar
375 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 375
Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:16 am
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



Hey!

Sticky sweat dripping down my face.
Neighborhood kids running in a race.
Eating ice cream, swimming in the pool,
ANYTHING to help stay cool.
Hopscotch on the concrete,
The hot pavement burns my feet.
Sun sinks below the horizon,
This summer day is now done.


interesting poem; I noticed you tried to form it to a rhyme scheme (a,a,b,b,c,c...), yet the last two lines, horizon and done, it works somewhat. Its more of a stretch, i would recommend changing one of those.

It's short and simple, i like the two lines 'Hopscotch on concrete, the hot pavement burns my feet.' those two work together, but its the lack of the rest working together. The rest of the lines are just listing, i like the two line descriptive rather than the listing (thats my opinion of course). You could change everything else or just cut that part.

Also it ends abruptly, try lengthening it, and possibly if you wanted to since you have the line 'sun sinks below the horizon', you could change the poem to a progression through the day. so doing that would keep everything but adding a few lines here and there. Otherwise if you don't want to i would cut the part regarding the time of day, and add more activities.

It has potential, just keep working on it.

-DQ
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 25
Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:21 pm
Electric Tangerine says...



interesting. I get a vivid image of suburbia in like Texas maybe? or Florida, somewhere really hot. I agree that you should lengthen it and add more descriptions. Keep it up.
-Tangerine
People are generally nice, except when you give them anonymity...then you get a**holes, hence the internet -Benji.
  





User avatar
168 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 840
Reviews: 168
Thu Apr 05, 2007 3:13 pm
View Likes
Swottielottie says...



I agree, i like the rhyming and description, but it idn't really have a point.
Also I didn't like the ending, it was to abrupt.
Try and revise the end.
Charlotte
  





User avatar
17 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:49 pm
veronicafletcher says...



Do you guys think that this even has a chance, or should I just give up on it? Thank you for the comments!
Sleeping and being dead are basically the same thing. Except when you're dead, you don't wake up. Ever. Even when your alarm clock rings.

-Ryan Zlock
  








See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451