A Life I Didn't Need

I used to be that girl,
In the t-shirt and the jeans
That everybody loved,
Towards that life,
I’d always leaned.

But then it changed,
Slightly at first.
More and more,
‘till I thought I would burst.

I’m happy now,
I really am.
I’m just not as happy
As I might have been.

Sometimes I have to wonder,
Is this really me?
Is that I want,
Or who my friends want me to be?

In the dark of night
I lie awake,
Dreaming about my life.
I fantasize
It puts me to sleep.
Dreaming of something else,
Is my lullaby.

I told my friend once
About my late night dreams.
I asked her if she did it too.
She said,
“I don’t.”
And I asked why.
She said,
“Because I’m happy with my life.”

That fact brings me to question
The choices I have made.
Especially the one I ponder-
Putting up this hard façade.

Sometimes those fantasies,
When I fall asleep,
Aren’t about future events.
Sometimes those fantasies
Take place in the comfort of past-tense.

And once more, that brings me to wonder,
Is this really me,
Or is that other girl who I’m supposed to be?

Hallo there. :} I'm Aushy, and I shall be reviewing your poem today. I'm not so good at poems, so let's see how I do reviewing them!

So, it started off nice, real nice. And then we get here:

In the dark of night
I lie awake,
Dreaming about my life.
I fantasize
It puts me to sleep.
Dreaming of something else,
Is my lullaby.

I told my friend once
About my late night dreams.
I asked her if she did it too.
She said,
“I don’t.”
And I asked why.
She said,
“Because I’m happy with my life.”

Suddenly, the whole structure of the poem has changed.

I suggest you break them up and try to continue what you were doing in the beginning so I can get a feel of consistency.

And then this:

That fact brings me to question
The choices I have made.
Especially the one I ponder-
Putting up this hard façade.

is just like the beginning was before, so I was like, "Okay, so we're getting back on track."

Until...

Sometimes those fantasies,
When I fall asleep,
Aren’t about future events.
Sometimes those fantasies
Take place in the comfort of past-tense.

And once more, that brings me to wonder,
Is this really me,
Or is that other girl who I’m supposed to be?

This.

Really, for me, I got a lack of consistency--thus, I was quite confused and overall, unhappy with the outcome.

NOW, let's focus on the good points. :}

1. You're good at rhyming. I was always completely bad at that. I made it seem like I tried too hard. Garg. D:
2. I can really feel your character. I know exactly how she feels, because I used to feel that way all the time. This makes the character feel familiar, which is very extremely good.
3. You can write poems. That, in itself, is a talent.

ALRIGHT. As I said, I'm terrible with poems, so I'm afraid this review isn't all that it could be.

If you have comments or questions on this review/you want me to review something else, PM me, leave a message on my wall, or come to my tropical shack by clicking 'reviews' at the bottom of this signature. As a result of this review, a link to this story and your page will already be up on my review board in my shack.

Over all, good job! :[}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Hey sillyducky!

Right now, this seems more like a blog than a poem, if that makes sense. Like, you have all your thoughts down and you're trying to make sense of them. Which is good! It just doesn't really seem poetic. If you want to make it poetic, try condensing it down a bit so that only the important, conflict-ridden things remain. Maybe you can start talking about your conversation with a friend and then talk about as you sleep.

In any case, if it makes you feel better, those thoughts are completely normal for teenagers. It kind of sucks when you're going through it, but it just makes the relief of making it out as an adult that much better.

This is too long. I sense the emotions coming through, but you've just got too much and it comes off as angsty rather than poignant. Cut out everything you don't need. Then, look back and add in imagery and metaphors to make the reader feel the narrators emotions. Right now you're mostly telling, and you need to show--that advice goes for poetry as well as prose. We can sympathize with the narrator, but not feel for them.

Nice work on this poem.
If it runs parallel to your life I tip my hat to you for being so honest.
I few years ago I lost a close friend to change and its amazing how quickly they become someone they are not.
Anyways this poem flowed smoothly throughout and again I say great work and keep writing.
-Dawn

Hello Sillyducky!

Happy Reviewing Day!

I liked this!

I agree with the others though, this wasn't particularly poetic. As Snoink said you need to shorten it to just the essence of your thoughts and feelings. Then I think you'll have a really great poem.

I also agree with Golden Quill, this lacked consistency in both the structure and the rhyme.

I used to be that girl,
In the t-shirt and the jeans
That everybody loved,
Towards that life,
I’d always leaned.

But then it changed,
Slightly at first.
More and more,
‘till I thought I would burst.

I’m happy now,
I really am.
I’m just not as happy
As I might have been.

In the first two stanzas you rhymed the first and last lines but then in the third stanza you dropped this and it broke the rhythm. If you could find a rhyme that would work and still get across your idea without it seeming forced then the flow would improve and this whole section would work together really well.

Other than this though I really enjoyed it. I can relate to the feelings you are trying to convey and that makes it really strong. Don't worry, these feelings will pass if you are going through them right now.

Overall well done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

I liked it. Good job. At times I felt as if things where being repeated in with a different use of words. Sometimes the rythmn wouldn't play along that well but then it would catch back on.

One thumb up.

Greeetings sillyducky I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for this brief time we're together. Okay, I began to read this poem and right away this bit jumped out 'Oooga booga' style and made me stop and read it a few times:

I used to be that girl,
In the t-shirt and the jeans
That everybody loved,
Towards that life,
I’d always leaned.

Let me explain, it started out okay, kinda bland but not the weakest opening, but it was when we came the end, I was forced to reread and think, wait that doesn't sound right, it doesn't word right, and when say it, you stop and think 'No that canne be right'. So rather than trying to rhyme here try make it sound right and also poetical.

But then throw a spanner in work escape rhyme and go for a 'Stop and go' format. It come across as stilted and detracts from flow, I'm a poet who prefers not to use a fixed structure, but a poem like this doesn't need a structure like this it just ruins flow.

Next, this is cliche, and stanzas like this:

I’m happy now,
I really am.
I’m just not as happy
As I might have been.

Add nothing, honestly this could go and you would lose nothing or better yet word it better and use stronger words. Happy is a good word used in variety but in this stanza twice is too much.

Lastly, it just devolves into dialogue in a pretty layout, you don't make it seem poetical and it just devolves into a conversation between you and your friend. I've no idea why this happened, but did nothing for me, and it was too forced.

There is some potential here, but you must have a clear idea of what you plan and less chaos in a introspective poem like this it doesn't work.

Hope this helps.

nice. :]
It (like others saiid) reflects your life, then again all poetry reflects your life (either that or your beliefs).
I think the truth of this poem makes it unique, along with the style of it.
Keep up the good work! :]


-BG-

Hi Ducky.

This seems to be an angsty pondering of a teenager. In stop and go traffic. I jerked from generic idea to generic idea.
So your a girl who is wondering who she should be? Okay, what is the girl you are now? Elaborate more, don't just say:

I used to be that girl,
In the t-shirt and the jeans
That everybody loved,

Because out of the 6.4 billion people on this planet, I'm pretty sure at least two dozen millions of people wear t-shirts and jeans. So it's not really a describing attribute. I see what your trying to do with this and it's not a good idea. You're expecting your readers to think in the sort of stereotypical labels of high school. Yea, you don't want to depend of cliches to describe something.

Also, through this you're telling us this and that, you aren't showing us anything. That's where imagery comes into play. How do you make your reader feel, see, hear, taste whatever you're feeling. You can't just tell us and expect us to know, because only you can know what you're feeling exactly. So imagery is almost like a communication tool. Use it to give us an understanding.

Good luck.

Kamas

Hi Ducky, or Silly, or whatever you want to be called.

Is that I want,
Or who my friends want me to be?

I don’t completely understand this line. I think the first line should maybe go: “Is this what I want,” and “who” should probably become “what” so that the two lines relate properly.


Okay, as far as the poem as a whole goes, you have the idea down. You know what you’re trying to say. But your execution is a little off. You have points of forced rhyming and in other places, the rhythm just feels non-existent. Rhyming isn’t essential in having a great poem but in my experience, rhythm is. It gives the poem the readability and the snap-along-ability that makes reading a poem seem really, beautiful.

You have the right idea, but you could do better at putting them down on the page.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and ask or find me in chat.

~lilymoore

Hey there, duckling,

This is a poem that left me wondering, and I'm not sure if I want to highlight on that as a positive or a negative, but frankly put, it can be both.

It left the gaps to keep me asking, "Who is this person?" and left the room for me to fill it in with whoever I wanted it to be. That doesn't terribly satisfy me in any way, because it's not making this poem any more substantial to me, so I don't think this is a route of interpretation I'd like to take.

See, in poetry, it's so hard to define what's right and what's wrong about it, and I can't say that either is right or wrong, because lots of poetry is left to the eye of the beholder to interpret. I do, however, often say that the less gaps you leave, the better, because there's far, far, less for the audience to confuse over, dear. Here, in this poem, you've kind of given us a paragraph of thought [remove the line breaks, enjambment and such, and you'll see my standpoint, dear] without much grounding [no answers as to what makes this person up, what causes the change and why], and you leave so, so, so many questionable gaps to be filled, that it's too difficult to appreciate.

My strongest advice would be to backtrack, dear. Clean up all of the excess parts of this, until you have the bones of what you are working with and just build off of that, because, now, you're not allowing us much to understand from. Poetry is what you make it, but remember to give your audience enough concrete information so that we understand where you're coming from.

June