And I’ll give you chocolate

Dedicated to Alex

Think. And Think a bit more. About her situation
Nobody has a drink I take it and is void of a cold or any disease
And she is dying of thirst and lack of love
Why does she have to be the strong one? When her mind doesn’t need to lack love
So she hair rapes my face.
Elijah. Is that his name?
I believes so.
She remembers the pain she felt last night, slyly joking
But not really
But he didn’t know
He didn’t think
But did she?
What was the surprise? Where was the surprise?
7. 7pm. What is the significance of 7pm.
He always said that to me, ‘I can’t win can I?’
No, you can’t, sorry darling.

TheUnknownPoet wrote:So she hair rapes my face.

What?

TheUnknownPoet wrote:7. 7pm. What is the significance of 7pm.

This should have a question mark, but I like the line

TheUnknownPoet wrote:He always said that to me, ‘I can’t win can I?’
No, you can’t, sorry darling.

This, at least, has a strong finish. I like the fact that it takes a while for the meaning to become clear (that seems to be consistent among your poems, which is awesome). But it takes a while to get interested. Though the term is more commonly used for prose, you need a stronger hook. If I had stumbled upon this in a poetry anthology, I think I'd skip it, which is a shame because the poem is really good.

I don't know whether that reflects more on my poor choosing habits, or your need for a better opening, but whatever

Okay, so I'm not exactly sure what this poem is all about...I'm kind of lost to the meaning and what it's trying to accomplish here. It has something to do with a girl...I'm not sure if that's the narrator, or if it's from a third person, or what. Sorry I'm just lost, I wish I could have been more helpful :/.

I agree with BondGirl. What is this poem about?

I also agree with Bond Girl!
What the heck is this poem about.
I was reading and there was so many different ideas that it just confused me.

TheUnknownPoet wrote:So she hair rapes my face.

????? Not exactly sure what that's about.

TheUnknownPoet wrote:Elijah. Is that his name?

TheUnknownPoet wrote:7. 7pm. What is the significance of 7pm.

So all I got out of this is there's a guy named Elijah and something happened at 7 PM.
I wish you would give this poem more clarity so the reader could at least try to discover the hidden message behind it.

The only message I think it might be about is maybe a girl cheating on her boyfriend, but that's just a guess.
-Jane

Hey UnknownPoet!

I actually really really like the ambiguity of the piece... it makes my imagination run wild. I'm assuming that there's sex involved. Why? Why not? Especially since it seems so coded.

Anyway, two things:

Nobody has a drink I take it and is void of a cold or any disease
And she is dying of thirst and lack of love

I think you're trying to force too many images in the first line.

I think you're trying to fit too many words in the second line.

So basically, I think that the image of drinks and thirst is a particularly note-worthy one and the whole cold, disease, and lack of love can go. And this might just be me, but one of Jesus' last words were, "I thirst" and, as my bible study went on, I found that this could mean a whole number of things. Which helps the ambiguity of your poem, which I so love.

Also! The ending is a bit brief. Not sure how you can add to it, but you can play around with that, if you want.

Oh...here we go again! A bit of mental gymnastics for me, and I still haven't figured out the one with the cheese and the mirrors - I commented on the ode, by the way .

Snoink is spot on - ambiguity seems to be the only reason why I read your poems. The imagery is...so-so - but what keeps them alive is the continual bombardment of a mystery, the definite story that shimmers just out of reach, the absolute FRUSTRATION you incite in the readers when they don't understand and they think they should!!

Long story short - it's rare I find something this mentally challenging to dissect, so it's both a gift and a curse.

Argh...this is gonna need a line-by-line for me to juice any meaning out of it. Now that I know you write in code, at least that part has become easier. And no, I doubt I'll critique it as a poem - I'll instead try to figure out what you were saying. Key word: try.

Think. And Think a bit more. About her situation

Liked the start. Immediately hints at the need to put a detective cap on. But 'about her situation' seemed terribly slap-in-the-face-ish, while giving nothing away. Any number of cliche themes flitted through my head - abuse, heartbreak, depression, suicidal thoughts, family difficulties - but there was something so 'clinical' about the way you said 'About her situation' that got to me. Seems formal - detached, seeming to give everything and nothing away.

I read on.

Nobody has a drink I take it and is void of a cold or any disease
And she is dying of thirst and lack of love

Some punctuation here would definitely be handy (commas etc) - Nobody has a drink, I take it, and is void of a cold or any disease. I take this to mean: a drink cannot cure influenza/disease, (but can only treat it.) So...she's dying of thirst and lack of love - right...here's a major hint at her 'situation'. Sounds like she's physically in pain/with a disease, and emotionally lacking love. So...her situation is twofold?

Is she lacking love because she's in pain/dying (no one wants to go near her / catch the disease), or is she dying because she was lacking love? (More importantly, am I asking the right questions?)

It's weird that you say a drink can't 'void' the disease - i.e. can't 'cure' it, but then you go on to say she's dying from thirst. So...she's dying from a lack of treatment? (as opposed to cure?)

Why does she have to be the strong one? When her mind doesn’t need to lack love

She is dying of thirst and lack of love. Fine. Agreed. She's DYING - so I get the idea she's WEAK. Why do you say that she's STRONG here - in what way is she strong, if not physically nor emotionally. Maybe...intellectually, as hinted by the 'mind'?

So she hair rapes my face.

I reckon this is play on words. 'So she here rapes my face' is what you actually mean, but the 'hair' is slipped in there - correct? (I'm getting more and more frenzied by the minute). Interesting word choice, and possibly the most powerful line. Was she raped? And, if so, is the deterioration of her physical condition (hair etc) responsible for 'raping' the sight of the narrator in turn?

Nothing fits.

Yet.

Elijah. Is that his name?
I believes so.

Okay, so the narrator is not the one who raped her - it was Elijah - unless I'm completely missing the point here. So...why does her hair rape the narrator's face?

She remembers the pain she felt last night, slyly joking
But not really
But he didn’t know
He didn’t think
But did she?

Honestly, no idea what's going on here. So...she felt pain last night - was that when the 'event' (rape or whatever that caused her to get in this situation) happened? Neither are sure whether they properly remember what happen - drunk, maybe?

Argh. I feel like throwing the computer against the wall.

What was the surprise? Where was the surprise?
7. 7pm. What is the significance of 7pm.
He always said that to me, ‘I can’t win can I?’
No, you can’t, sorry darling.

No freakin' idea what's going on here. Maybe it happened at 7 last night? Maybe that was the time he was supposed to meet her? And what the hell has the title of this poem got to do with anything?

As always - I've chewed, swallowed (or tried to), regurgitated, chewed some more, swallowed, regurgitated and so on, and so forth - but I've really ended up with nothing but a pile of messy, half-eaten hypotheses and conclusions that look so much like the original food I devoured - the poem.

You know I'm annoyed. Do something about it.

Navita wrote:As always - I've chewed, swallowed (or tried to), regurgitated, chewed some more, swallowed, regurgitated and so on, and so forth - but I've really ended up with nothing but a pile of messy, half-eaten hypotheses and conclusions that look so much like the original food I devoured - the poem.

You know I'm annoyed. Do something about it.

This sounds so much like the responses to LOST