The Roses Have Wilted

Note: For some reason, the paragraph spacing is not working, so the stanzas aren't appearing separate.


The roses have wilted
since the last time I've been here.
What were once bright, crimson petals
alive with the days we lived,
are now dried up remains,
black as ashes,
parched as though they have not been graced by rainfall.

The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.

Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no more.

Laying on the corner table,
beside the sofa of distant memories,
a frame; glass shards scattered,
dead rose petal atop the casing.

At least the photograph stayed the same.

Wow, that was amazing and deep and had virtually (or at least not to my sight) no errors what-so-ever. You are great at poetry! Keep on writing!

Good poem; liked the flow. A few things I would change:

black as ashes

I recommend changing to just "ash"

parched as though they have not been graced by rainfall.

This line is a bit lengthy and, In my opinion, messes up the flow a little.

Fantastic piece, great job giving a setting. You probably know this already but the last line totally changes the piece and makes it a lot less serious. If you were going for that, great job! If not, change it.

awesome poem..keep on writing...very inspirational...
loved it.
Seems very classical, and origninal.
you should check out a poem i wrote i think that you would love it..
by the queens poet.

Very wonderful poem..really

Like everyone else had said....it is a very pretty poem.
I don't have much to say really ....except that your a really good writer.
Your writing does bring inspiration.
Keep up the good work!

What a sad poem. Great job of portraying that emotion. Your imagery was fantastic, and I enjoyed every bit of this poem. The only real critique I have comes in the third stanza:

angels-symphony wrote:Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no longer.

You're ending line is great. It's the stuff before it that's a little confusing. If there is a way to combine those first four lines into a more coherent line, that'd be awesome. Right now, I got stuck trying to figure out what you were trying to say there.

Other than that, an excellent job! Keep it up!
kf

What a very powerful imagery. It is vivid and vibrant.

Hey there Shina! Here's my review

angels-symphony wrote:The roses have wilted
since the last time I've been here.

I really liked this. Perhaps you could add a few more sensory details?

angels-symphony wrote:What were once bright, red petals

No Comma after bright.

angels-symphony wrote:alive with the days we lived,

This line doesn't really seem to flow in context with the rest of the poem. Maybe you could delete it?

angels-symphony wrote:are now dried up remains,
black as ashes,

Good description here.

angels-symphony wrote:The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.

Maybe try: The days have darkened, and your golden glow has dimmed?

angels-symphony wrote:Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no longer.

What rested on the shelf? Add a subject in this stanza to make it a little more clearer.

angels-symphony wrote:Laying on the corner table,
beside the sofa of distant memories,
a frame; glass shards scattered,
dead rose petal atop the casing.

Hmm . . ."petals" will always be dead. Maybe you could do "cracked", "dry"?

angels-symphony wrote:At least the photograph stayed the same.

Cute ending. Anyway Shina, this was great! Even though It's poetry, meant to be vague, I'd love it if you got a little more into what happened to this place. I'm hooked. I want to keep reading Good job.

angels-symphony wrote:The roses have wilted
since the last time I've been here.
What were once bright, red petals
alive with the days we lived,
are now dried up remains,
black as ashes,
parched as though they have not been graced by rainfall.

The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.

Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no longer.

Laying on the corner table,
beside the sofa of distant memories,
a frame; glass shards scattered,
dead rose petal atop the casing.

At least the photograph stayed the same.

Hello I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer, now the plesentaries are over, I'll begin, this had potential. But rereading noticed stuff, I'll explain with the review:

The roses have wilted
since the last time I've been here.
What were once bright, red petals
alive with the days we lived,
are now dried up remains,
black as ashes,
parched as though they have not been graced by rainfall.

Why Roses, first of all, they're such a cliche flower, you should try something a bit more original here. Say like 'the lupins have wilted' only an example, mind. Look up different type of flowers meanings.

Now 'red' sounds so generic as well as bright, try instead crison or scarlet. For this line 'are now dried up remains' try instead are decayed remains, black as ashes. And end on parched. That way it's much stronger.

The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.

Best stanza in my opinion! .

Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no longer./quote]

One suggestion for here, put ellipces after hope so ya get 'Hope... burns no longer' emphasising the longing or loss.

Laying on the corner table,
beside the sofa of distant memories,
a frame; glass shards scattered,
dead rose petal atop the casing.

At least the photograph stayed the same.

One suggestion here too, instead of last line, to indicate sorrow more put in 'Only the photo ever stayed the same.' see? It sounds more powerful and worded better too.

I hope this helped.
VSN

what a poem?! its so refreshing...it seems as if its been written with no effort at all!!
i mean it flows so easily and all the verses make sense alone and together! i like the second verse most where you get all descriptive and talk about '...the silver of orange..'

'The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.'

i know am supposed to be critiquing this work but i find no fault in this poem...
happy writing

wow, I really liked it, especially the way you used the candle and the "sliver of orange". That was great.