Young Writers Society

You are cold waking this morning.

The sun tells me, as you will, arrogance
is unbecoming. I peel an apple
and place it in a chair, breakfast
at the table, and you do not rise from bed
until noon. We speak of children and life
at lunch, where you find my kicks in bed
surprising, my late night chats
like a new personality; you find you cannot dream,
but you sleep emptily, and in the evening
while sipping tea the conversation
is like avoiding words. We reinvent sign language
in sips and glances, squints and pursed lips
tasting cinnamon crawl on our tongues
(we will taste this in the other tonight),
because mime is cheap
and talk is expensive these days.

At night you bite me, I flush,
and you curl like a leaf in my palm;
we lay down to rise
without a word spoken.

Hehehehe, that's all I can manage to say right now. I liked it and this was like wow, in my face. What I like about it is that I was able to get a clear image from it which is awesome because usually all I see is words, not a picture coming from the words. So good job with that. Also, I like the way it's written. If you read it out loud, it just sounds amazing like a freestyle poem or however they call it. Keep writing.

Hi, M&M&M! I'm actually here as I said I would be!

Now, I'm not much of a poet, so my suggestions can be taken lightly. I did, however, enjoy what you had here! The imagery was astounding, and it all tied in with the title very well. I also liked how it began an ended in the same place, tying it all nicely together. Very cool!

The sun tells me, as you will, arrogance
is unbecoming.

I couldn't figure out what this had to do with the piece. Call me naive. D:

The rest of the poem though is lovely. I think it would be really cool to see the poem end with a little more "heat" reference to compliment the first line? So it seems like a nice continuous loop each time it's read. That's only a minor suggestion of the most minor.

I also noticed that the piece was more of a list of memories rather than pulling the reader into the scene. This is quite possibly intentional though, and undoubtedly a style nitpick, so I won't talk about it anymore. xD It's something I noticed though, and I didn't get involved as I could've been. As in, there's lots of potential in that regard. But there were moments, like the tea bit, where it was very well done!

The poem was very good though, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm glad I got to actually leave a comment on your work this time around.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow. I just...wow.

At first, I wasn't really warming up to this poem. The beginning felt emotionally chilled and distant and overly-formal almost, for whatever reason, to a point where I wasn't quite connecting with it. BUT those first few lines only made me more in love with how the following ones developed, and the images it naturally conveys are pretty freakin' stellar.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey MeanMrMustard.

I have to say that I liked this poem. It had great imagery, explosive yet calm emotion, and was not cliche in format.

A bit part of why I like this poem is also that, I could understand all of it. Honestly, and I mean this well, I can't understand half of the poetry you submit, so I leave them alone. That makes me kind of sad, because I know you are intelligent and your poems could mean something, but they are just too "out there" for the common person to grasp. So that's why this poem is a win-win for me. Very nice, and I haven't seen one like it.

I have a no. of things to say:
I didn't get the last para.
Who's the guy in your avatar?- Just curious.
'the other tonight'- is sth else I don't get.
The first line's too lonely, don't u think.
And, I liked the rest.
Do you really like mustard that much?- also, under just wondering.

MrMean!! Demon heree.

I have said how I don't like to review your pieces because your way of writing is beyond my skills of reviewing but I will give it a try to at least inflict my opinion on this one

So, I loved the very first line but as the second stanza began I was a bit dissapointed as to how the poem never really got to me until I'd gotten past the four first lines. Yet after I'd finished reading and re-read the piece they seemed more relevant and made sense and was just as beautiful and full of great imagery as the following lines. I don't really know what I'm saying here but maybe it would help to add some lines before them to make those other lines seem more at place or something else just to make the power in them come clear...

Part from that though, I really loved this poem. You're an amazing writer and really good with words - this was as many of your poems filled with really good imagery and I like how you're never cliché and can express emotions, events and relationships in such remarkable ways. It is amazing how you're able to say so much with so few words. Very impressive!

In other words - I loved it. It will be awarded with all 5/5 icky, sticky spiders served on a silver plate.

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

MMM,

You will forgive me if my interpretation is off, but is the title meant to be ironic? Or is what the poem here expressing, really the essence of intimacy?

Hm. Thought provoking in that sense, because it's not my idea of intimacy and yet...it is. Beautiful.

tasting cinnamon crawl on our tongues
(we will taste this in the other tonight),

I had to read that part in paranthesis at least a few times. Awkwardly constructed? Can't you say "each" other?

Other than that, I find this fault-less It's so very sweet, yet bitter. I love that whole bit about talk being expensive. It made me think of sour times, not just financially, you know, but there's this whole increase in divorces, and I wonder if it's due to miscommunication.

In any case, these were my thoughts reading it. I also feel cold and in need of some hot chocolate.

Thanks for the experience,

~ as always, Audy

I just have to say, great imagery, and I particularly enjoyed the line "mime is cheap and talk is expensive these days," because it's just the opposite of the cliche "talk is cheap" (which my boyfriend frequently uses when talking about some scenario in which war is needed. Grr!)

So, I realize that's not helpful, but I wanted to say it, at least.

~Blue

Wow, I'm impressed.
The world is ending.

I have to say, I actually liked this poem of yours. It comes together and forms a proper, complete thought.
With real meaning. Real valuable.
And that's the ultimate goal of writing, is it not?

If no one can grasp the purpose, feel it, or, God forbid, understand it without having to re-read the previous line then is it really worth writing?
No.

At night you bite me, I flush,
and you curl like a leaf in my palm;
we lay down to rise
without a word spoken.

So thank you for making a clean, sensible piece like this one.Usually I'm left wanting much more with your poems. They often just seem to ramble on and on and on and never fully come to a proper closing without having an extra explanation. But this one doesn't need one. You carried the motif/theme through this poem (even if it was short) and this time, you didn't waste any words( which often makes for a very dull poem). And that's a sign that you know what the reader's actually want. Clarity and purpose. Nice job.

So thanks for the pleasant work, and good luck with your other projects.

--------------------
-Jojo

At night you bite me, I flush,
and you curl like a leaf in my palm;
we lay down to rise
without a word spoken.

great lines
Nice job.

Hehe. That's all I can say too ^_^
You have so much talent! I cant really help you improve though, as you are much more skilled than I am... so just take my words of kindness into your heart and continue what you seem to do best! Truely Awesome.

You are cold waking this morning.

The sun tells me, as you will, arrogance
is unbecoming. I peel an apple
and place it in a chair, breakfast
at the table, and you do not rise from bed
until noon. We speak of children and life
at lunch, where you find my kicks in bed
surprising, my late night chats
like a new personality; you find you cannot dream,
but you sleep emptily, and in the evening
while sipping tea the conversation
is like avoiding words. We reinvent sign language
in sips and glances, squints and pursed lips
tasting cinnamon crawl on our tongues
(we will taste this in the other tonight),
because mime is cheap
and talk is expensive these days.

At night you bite me, I flush,
and you curl like a leaf in my palm;
we lay down to rise
without a word spoken.

This poem really describes puppy love well, but there are some grammar errors. And at the beginning you didn't break up the stanzas enough, and at the end it wasn't broken up enough. Try to balance that out. That is all.
Klotrox

Code: Select all

D4D4D4

Just wanted to say, I LOVE this poem. It's not cliche, but still easier to understand than some really overdone stuff. (Does that make sense? Please disregard anything nonsensical I say; I'm half asleep right now.) It feels almost detached, but still personal to the woman (Or man...). I really can't nitpick anything here; I just had to say that this is great!

This was really sweet and I loved the abruptness of it. You aesthetically managed to be assertive and tender at the same time. The flow was nice although I think if it was a form of poetry, you should've broken up the stanzas a bit. Just my opinion. Anyway, I loved it and I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

~Jess

PS- I like your username