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Aldenora: Dust (Chapter 3)



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Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:09 pm
Ultimateanon says...



This chapter was tricky for me, so I would love a cirtique! :D
.:Three:.


The land stood quiet, under the blanket of darkness that expanded around the whole world. Everybody was quite, even the unicorns that rode around the castle waiting for the arrival of the said attack from Wolvard. There was fear among many of the guards, since they knew the power he held. Many had grown up with him, just having a taste of his wrath and torment that he placed among many. Valndra prepared the men as best as she could. Giving them the best armor and newly sharpened weapons that had a dab of Vilixxar poison. The poison could harm a Dark Night and potentially kill them. Nobody had figured out why Dark Nights can't be harmed, expect with the Blade of Azathoth and the Vilixxar poison.
Valndra walked back and forth through the rows of guards that stood silently in the walls built around the castle. She wanted the best for all of the guards, constantly checking their armor so it won't fail during battle. She knew that she was just being over protective over the smallest detail. Either way, they'll possibly be killed in this battle. She was skeptical about this battle, either Wolvard would just run into the castle and find information about Annaria, or his soldiers flood the castle.
There hasn't been any sign of Wolvard and his army since the night began, and that made Valndra worry. It could easily be an aerial attack out of nowhere. With the dense clouds up above it would be hard to spot a dragon. Valndra looked upwards, yet still saw only the moving clouds. Fear was starting to build up inside her, she only had a taste of the damage that Wolvard can do, but never before had she faced an attack led by him. A scout came out of the forest, only walking his unicorn. She knew what to expect when she's going to talk to him.
She came down from her original post, and walked up to the scout. She placed her hand on the Unicorn's neck and starred at him, raising an eyebrow, as he stood silent.
"I checked the forest, and saw nothing. Nothing expect for a blood trail in the East trail to Siersclyth. Also, I found this arrow." The man then reached out toward Valndra, holding an arrow in front of her. Valndra took it and turned it around, expecting to see if it's one of Wolvard's. Hearing that there was blood on that trail made her think of Annaria, since that was the last time she saw her, taking off onto the East trail.
"What else did you see in that trail? Any pieces of clothing's, tracks?" Valndra tried not to hesitate when she was asking that, since all of her anger was about to flow out. She was about to scream out in anger and sadness, if that blood was from Annaria. It was Valndra's and Moonshadow's duty to keep her safe at all times, and now she felt like a failure.
"I saw wolf tracks and unicorn tracks as well. I tasted the blood and it was from a Spirit Wolf. I don't know about the Unicorn tracks, it could be from days ago. However, the blood is still fresh." The man jumped down from his Unicorn and headed toward the castle, since a part of his duty was finished.
Valndra began to think about how the Spirit Wolf blood got there, and why somebody would harm a Spirit Wolf inside Allalina Core. Spirit Wolves were respected creatures in Aldenora, since it was said that Spirit Wolves had created the world. She shrugged it off, concluding that a Spirit Wolf was just hunting and got hurt from its prey. She took the unicorn back to the stable, and took off all of its armor. She turned her attention to her post, which was guarding the front side of the castle, and ordering the bowmen.
Before she went up to stand at her post, she took another glance at the forest, trying to find any signs of movement. She went back up to her original post, in front of the bowmen and overlooking the forest. When somebody falls, she will feel like a failure to everybody. She would blame herself about not taking better care if somebody dies, even though she knows that everybody dies. With every battle or attack, there has to be a sacrifice made to ensure the best protection for all of the citizens.
Even though everybody on Aldenora is immortal, there still is a chance of death. Immortal doesn't mean that you can never die, it just means that you can live for a long time without growing old. Anybody on Aldenora runs a risk of dying, mostly from the spells, and or the creatures. It's been awhile since she put all the guards in their position, and still no signs that could be from Wolvard. She went around to the back of the castle, to look around there. She became highly suspicious about the back entrance; on how there was a small white flame flickering in the forest.
Valndra immediately sent a mental message to all the guards and riders to go toward the back entrance, quietly. They all did, the riders taking position at the bridge, some of them in the ditch under the bridge. That white flame was a way of communicating to Wolvard before attack. The person would create a small white flame to tell Wolvard that this certain place was best for attack. She lifted her hand, an order for the people with the bows to knock their arrow and aim.
"Don't forget to aim in the canopies." Valndra told one of the best shooters, knowing that some of Wolvard's men would hide in the canopies of the trees. He nodded, and slightly lifted his bow up. Now it was just a waiting game, with the white flame no longer in sight, they were waiting for somebody to shoot the first arrow. She waited anxiously for one of his men to shoot so she can give the signal for her archers to start. One of the men carefully put their bow to their side, thinking that this will last for a while.
He clinched his hand at his chest, as an arrow penetrated him. He dropped his bow and then fell dead. The sound of arrows whipped passed Valndra's ears shortly after she pulled her hand down. Some of the arrows thumped into the trees, while she heard the sound of men falling also. She didn't blame them for hitting the tree, its dark outside after all. His men shot back, not surprisingly, killing several men. Valndra knew that Wolvard has more men than she did, and she needed to keep many as possible alive.
She raised both of her hands out in front of her. The jewel on her necklace started to grow warm, and then illuminated an orange color. A shimmering white veil stretched across the wall and over the archers, deflecting any arrows that came into its way. It was a shield she put up, though she knew that it won't last long. She looked over toward the bridge and saw a man walking through it, killing any riders that came close to him. The man was Wolvard, and he was gaining closer toward the door.
Valndra ran down a set of stone stairs, and through a wooden door that went inside the castle. She went down some hallways and stairs, and then slowed her pace as she went into the back foyer. There were several men putting up metal beams across the door, so that the possibilities of the door crashing down would be set to a minimum. Valndra saw Elisi and walked up to her.
"Queen Elisi, Wolvard is walking toward us right now." Valndra said hesitantly, looking at Elisi's calm posture. It seemed like none of this was going on, and that this was just another pretend war for training.
"I'm very aware of that Valndra." Elisi said, turning around to face Valndra. She studied her worried expression on her face, and frowned a bit. She hated the fact that so many people were apprehensive and frightened by this attack; she just wanted everybody to stay calm.
"I don't think those metal beams will do any good," Valndra paused, stepping closer to Elisi. "You know how powerful he is, you saw what he can do." Valndra gave her a harsh glance, wanting to make it clear that there will be no way to stop him from coming in.
Elisi took a glance at the men setting up the metal beams across the tall door, some of them floating in the air toward the top. "He only gave us a taste of what he can do. Nobody in Aldenora knows how much damage he can do." Elisi focused back onto Valndra, placing her hand onto her shoulder. She started to remember back when Wolvard was just a kid and he was just experimenting his powers. As he grew older, his spells started to become more dangerous. Eventually, he killed several people and then banished from Allalina Core.
Valndra stood silent, lowering her head toward the ground. She didn't even want to know how close Wolvard is from the door. "What will we do if he gains entrance into the castle?" Valndra muttered, kicking a piece of broken rock across the floor.
"We'll let him in, and let him find whatever he needs about Annaria." Elisi looked at the rock she kicked, then back to Valndra. Her face immediately shot up after the words spilled into her ears. She didn't know how to react toward her, she wanted to scream and kick Elisi for saying such words, though she stood as calm as she could.
"So you're just going to let him walk in and do whatever he wants?" Valndra said quickly, with a harsh tone mixed into her words. She stepped back from Elisi, letting her hand slid off from her shoulder.
"There's no way that we can stop him, nobody but you Valndra." Elisi said, grinning. Her voice was still calm, as if she was confident about something.
"What do you mean that I can only stop him?" Valndra said, her voice almost coming to a whisper. She gazed into her striking green eyes that seemed so hypnotizing. Valndra became confused; not knowing any of her spells that cam harm Wolvard. That reminded Valndra about Annaria, that only she could harm Wolvard. She wondered if she was all right and made it to the town safely.
"When he comes through the door, I want you to run away, and make sure he's following you." Elisi said, now walking around Valndra slowly.
"Why are you walking around me?" Valndra said, ignoring what she said for a moment. She took her actions as something suspicious and a little weird.
"Because I can and I want to. Now, when he catches up to you and demands information about Annaria, lie to him. Don't tell him the truth of were Annaria actually is." Elisi said, her tone making it sound like an order rather than a normal statement. She stopped in front of Valndra and sighed.
"He can detect lies easily. The spell that can make my lies seem believable are no use, he has a counter spell for that. I learned about that a long time ago." Valndra didn't look at Elisi anymore, and only hanged her head low toward the ground.
"Just do what I say. I need you for this Valndra; I need you at this moment." Elisi wanted Valndra to do what she said, since she had confidence that her plan will work.
"You need everybody not just me." Valndra muttered under her breathe, and then crossed her arms. There were loud thumps on the door. The men putting up the metal beams stepped away from the door. Wolvard was here, and he was about to barge straight through. Valndra stepped back to where she was almost in the hallway. The door broke into large pieces of wood, some penetrating the men. Valndra ducked down, covering her head with her arms. As the dust cleared, Valndra rose up slowly, and then licked eye contact with Wolvard.
Wolvard laughed, clasping his two hands together, having a grin on his face. Valndra saw Elisi nod in the corner of her eye.
"Valndra, it's so nice to see you again!" Wolvard ecstatically said toward her. Valndra was stuck, she was ready to run, yet her body said no. His words spilled into her head, his voice sounding as if he would do no harm to anybody, yet Valndra knew that he was ready to kill anybody.
Valndra sauntered backwards, and then ran down the hallways as Elisi said to. She looked back, to see Wolvard gaining closer to her by each second. His jewel illuminated a red tint, as his arm was straight out in front of him. He conjured a black flame in his hand. The flame shot forward, hitting Valndra in her back. She fell down, the pain taking over her body as she felt her skin burn. She pressed her hand were Wolvard hit her, trying to make the pain go away. Magic takes pure concentration, and it's hard to do so in pain.
"I know you have information that I do not know. I wish for you to tell me, about the Half Blood." Wolvard walked up to Valndra, placing his hand around her throat then pulled her up. He held her against the stone wall, not caring that she's in pain.
"I will never give you any information about her." Valndra stuttered on her words, since his hand was slowly blocking her airway. She placed her hands on his arm, trying to push them away. It was useless, he was too strong for anybody to control.
"Not if I force it out of you. This can be done the less painful way, or the painful way. You're choice." Wolvard grinned, his straight white hair falling over Valndra's face.
Valndra didn't answer, she only struggled to get his hands off of her throat. He sighed, and then pulled his arm to his side, watching her body fall onto the ground. She stood up once when she caught her breathe again, and then eyed him wordlessly.
"You were always weak back then, always demanding the truth for everything." Valndra whispered smoothly. Wolvard chuckled, now grinning as he stepped closer to her. Valndra pushed herself against the wall, thinking of the many possibilities he could do at this closer proximity.
"I was always the stronger one Valndra. I will be, and always be. Now, tell me about the Half Blood." Wolvard scolded, anger growing in his veins as she started to refuse his demands. Valndra looked away, not wanting to have his grey eyes look over her. He placed his hand under her chin, forcing her to make her look at him directly.
"Her name is Aierslien. I sent her to the west path to Diersliour in Karkala. She rides a grey unicorn." Valndra hesitated on coming up with an answer. Aierslien was her friend that went to live in Diersliour, so she hoped that he couldn't detect a true lie. Immediate pain circulated in her body, stinging at her skin. She whined and collapsed to the floor. It felt like a thousand needles digging into her skin, for Valndra.
"I knew it was a lie straight away, so thank you for letting me find the truth. Annaria her name is, and she's going to be a Dark Night? Interesting, I knew I should have killed her straight away when I saw her." Wolvard turned around to look outside the balcony. He watched as his men fight, blood spilling onto the terrain. Valndra lifted her eyes up, knowing that he has met Annaria. She could tell he was sending out a mental image to his army, since she could no longer hear the cries of pain.
His army heard his message: Retreat back into the forest, and return to the castle immediately. Dispose of our dead and heal the wounded on your way. Leave without me, I have more important things to do. His army did as he said, retreating into the woods and carrying any of the wounded. Wolvard walked out to the balcony and called his dragon. Soon, there was a large gust of wind as a large red dragon flew by, stopping just at the balcony.
Valndra watched as he climbed onto his dragon and went off over the forest. Valndra hit her fist against the wall, a tear running down her cheek. Annaria was out there, and Wolvard is just behind her. If he sees Annaria, he would kill her without hesitation. Valndra knew she had to do something, though her anger flooded her mind and left no room for concentration. Moonshadow walked up toward Valndra, blood dripping off his muzzle.
"Dammit Moonshadow, he knows about Annaria!" Valndra said furiously, hitting her fist against the wall again. Moonshadow growled silently, not liking that Valndra is angry over the fact that he knows.
"Nothing can be kept a secret with him around," Moonshadow simply stated, running his tongue across her neck, trying to calm her down. "Besides, Wolvard won't be able to find Annaria; I already set something up before he reached you." Moonshadow grinned then started to walk away.
"Moonshadow what do--" Valndra couldn't finish her sentence before Moonshadow disappeared into the air. She sighed, wishing that Moonshadow would not disappear in the middle of a sentence. She got used to it though, after living with him since she would walk. She hoped that he brought her to safety, and made sure that it's a place where Wolvard couldn't find her. She looked out the balcony, as the fighting is now over. She saw piles of dead bodies scattered across the terrain. She was somewhat glad that her shield did something to ensure the safety of the guards.
Last edited by Ultimateanon on Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:21 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:19 pm
Boolovesyou says...



Hey Ultimate,

Here's are a few mistakes :

She hoped that he brung her to safety
brought

The land stood quite, under the blanket of darkness that expanded around the whole world. Everybody was quite,
I'm pretty sure you meant "quiet" not quite.

There was fear among many of the guards,
The word "among" is awkward here.

creatures. iIt's been a no space between a and while while since she put all the guards in their position,


Those were the only mistakes I found! Good job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
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Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:23 pm
Ultimateanon says...



Thanks, this is really just a rough sketch of this chapter, even though it took me two days to finish it. o-O

I really need to start reading boks that have battles in them, since I never read one that has one. This was one of the harder chapters to do since I wasn't so sure about the description. Anyways, thanks for reviewing! :3
  





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Tue Aug 16, 2011 11:11 pm
Preachergirl18 says...



This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:27 am
Rydia says...



Hai again! I might get to the last chapter today as well, but I'm not sure. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

Specifics

1.
Valndra walked back and forth through the rows of guards that stood silently in the walls built around the castle. She wanted the best for all of the guards, constantly checking their armor so it won't fail during battle. She knew that she was just being over protective over the smallest detail. Either way, they'll possibly be killed in this battle. She was skeptical about this battle, either Wolvard would just run into the castle and find information about Annaria, or his soldiers flood the castle.
You say battle far too often! It isn't needed. Where you have 'she was skeptical about this battle' you could have just, 'she was skeptical' as we'd know what you're talking about from all the previous mentions of battle. Also, part of me is thinking get on with it already. Why do we need all this talk of poisons? It's good to have the preparation scene, yes. But tell us about the foe when they're fighting and we can see for ourselves just how hard they are to kill.

2. Uh... the guy picked up an arrow? Why would a Scout do that? What can an arrow tell them about the men they're fighting. It doesn't say how many they are, it's far easier to say - 'yeah, I saw arrows so they're probably training not far away' than to pick up the arrow and carry it back. So unless he's noticed something unusual about the arrow, it seems too random for him to bring it to her.

3.
Before she went up to stand at her post, she took another glance at the forest, trying to find any signs of movement. She went back up to her original post, in front of the bowmen and overlooking the forest. When somebody falls, she will feel like a failure to everybody. She would blame herself about not taking better care if somebody dies, even though she knows that everybody dies. With every battle or attack, there has to be a sacrifice made to ensure the best protection for all of the citizens.
You keep lapsing into present tense and removing yourself from the story and I think this is a good example of one of the places you do it. There are far better ways to tell us that she'll feel bad if someone falls. You could have her recall a time when someone fell and think 'never again' or have her stare over the edge and think about the possibilities, feel her heart clench up as she watched the men walking back and forth.

4. Alright so I love the idea of an immortal planet where they're not actually immortal, just can live a long time (which makes it not quite the right choice of word but whatever). The trouble is, that you present it in a dull way. You don't make it exciting, you don't let us discover it for ourselves.

5. She can send mental messages so she doesn't need to signal to the archers with her hand. Surely it would be easier and more efficient to contact them mentally? It seems strange that she would use it in some cases but not others. That's like having this amazing power to kill with a touch and using it in one chapter but then letting yourself get beat up later. Oh and then she speaks out loud. So they're not being quite so why doesn't she just shout fire?

6. Wait. She has very undisciplined fighters if one man puts his bow to the side. It takes time to string and aim a bow! A bow should not be lowered until the enemy are defeated, seriously. I know it's all dramatic to have him lower his bow and then get shot but it's also unrealistic.

Characters

Okay so the problem is that I don't really feel enough for your characters at the moment. I don't mind Elisi too much but Valndra is annoying, even her name bugs me, and to be honest I'm liking the sounds of Wolvard more than either of them. At least he sounds interesting and isn't here bugging the hell out of me and his men are better fighters, he has cool, strong magical powers. Are you seeing the issue? We don't hate him. You've done nothing to endear the main characters to us or make us hate their adversary. It seems the only thing he's done wrong is try to kill them and since they're trying to kill him, we could root for either side. You need to give us more time to love your characters before you introduce someone who's clearly better than them but not defined as evil by anything other than his actions toward them. Show us your characters protecting people and doing the right thing even when they're tempted to be selfish and most importantly, being human. The trouble with Elsi is that it's hard to see her as human because she is so calm and unrelenting and flat. There isn't a personal side to her. While this Wolvard is reaching out to take what he wants and has trained his men well etc.

Dialogue

The two girls sound like children. And worse, they sound like they're fighting over something insignificant, not like they're about to face the big bad wolf. You need to listen more closely to how people talk, maybe just tune in to other people's conversations. But yeah, try to get a better feel for how dialogue works and what makes it realistic.

Overall

There's some good action going on but you're not taking the time to introduce characters to us and describe scenery. You're on chapter three and already the bad guy has come to pay a visit. That's so wrong. They haven't had the time to gain our trust yet or prepare themselves, never mind us, for what's going to come after them. I know you want to write the fun, exciting parts, but you need to add in the slower, constructive stuff too.

Heather xxx
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When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides