Young Writers Society

So many people say that suicide’s the coward’s way out, but they're wrong. So bloody wrong. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, and I’ve made some pretty darn hard ones in my short lifetime. I never thought the only thing separating me from life and death would be a big lump of rock. The sound of the ocean splashing onto a cliff’s edge is relaxing, apparently, but did anyone ever think to actually look at it? The waves crash onto the rocks, and as the tip of the water curls over, it seems to devour the bottom of the cliff in one, strong bite. Hardly relaxing. I inhale the stale sea air as another rock gets swallowed up.
“Don’t be stupid.” Jade’s voice behind me sounds foreign against the harsh wind. “Stop messing around, come on.”
“What do you think the chances are?” I turn around to face her.
“Chances of what?”
I let a small smile escape onto my mouth. “Of me landing on a rock.”
Her plump bottom lip quivers before she moves forward. As she takes another elegant step, I step backwards, closer to the cliff’s edge. She doesn’t inch forward again, and neither do I. For now. Instead, I turn back around to stare into the dark waves. I think it’s raining. Either that or the water’s current is so strong that it’s splashing up to where I’m standing. As another wave lands itself onto a huge rock, my knuckles tense.
Why is Jade even here? How did she know I was here? I sure as hell didn't tell her. Maybe I'm too predictable. I have taken her here to the seafront so many times before, I can't even remember the time when I wasn't here with her. She probably guessed I'd be here. I curse under my breath. All I know is that she's here, and she has to go. I can’t do this until she leaves, can’t she understand that? She’s smart, smarter than a prick like me could ever imagine to be, so why doesn’t she realise she has to leave?
My throat is so dry, it feels as though it’s burning up, and I have to squint to stop my damn eyes from leaking. Even at a time like this, I’m weak. I stare into the depths below me. The water must be so cold, so numbing. The mere thought of being trapped in it makes my heart sing. I want to feel it so badly, it cuts my breath short and tightens my chest. I just need Jade to leave. I step forward.
“Liam!” she yells this time. “Don’t you dare...”
The fragile tone in her beautiful voice makes me want to whimper like some pathetic girl. Why can’t she understand? I’m worth shit. I’ve always been worth shit. She’s known me long enough to know that, yet she can’t seem to realise that this is all for her. She'll forget about me after a short while anyway, she'll move on. So will everyone else. Anything that resembles family, whoever's left of my friends, neighbours, even that dumb cat that yowls outside my house every morning. Jade doesn’t deserve all of this. I don’t deserve her. Another wave attacks the bottom of the cliff. That’s why I have to do this.
“Why shouldn’t I?” I hiss at her, but I don’t dare turn around. I can’t look at her. “Death is a more perfect place to be in than life.”
“You don’t know that.” There’s a begging tone in her usually soft voice.
“There’s nothing worse than where I am right now.”
She doesn’t say anything. I can hear her stammering behind me, but that’s it. The wind roars and blows my fringe off my boiling forehead. The hairs on my arms are sticking up like tiny pins, but the cold doesn’t bother me. The water’s bound to be far colder. Jade speaks again, but all her sentences contain is sympathy. What I’m doing now, all of this, it has nothing to do with the sorry excuse of my childhood because I’m not the only kid who’s been through so much crap in their lifetime. I’ve just finally gained some common sense. All I know is that, right now, I’m alone. No one gets it. No one gets me, not even Jade.
"People are looking for you, Liam," she says as the wind carries her voice.
I can't help but laugh bitterly. "Yeah, right."
“Please,” Jade tries again. “Don’t do something stupid.”
“I’ll tell you what,” I mutter. “Give me one good reason not to do this, just the one, and I’ll turn right back around.”
Jade’s silent for a while. I can’t see her, but I know her well enough to know that she’s got a million thoughts drowning her mind as it tries to conjure up something for her to say. The wind blows, and then she speaks again.
“Because I love you.”
I laugh. “Love? Love is just a fricking word, Jade.” I turn around to look at her again. “Words are worth shit. You can break them in half; change their meaning entirely, if you want to.”
Her slender body looks limp in the growing darkness around us, and the longer my eyes fixate onto her, the tighter my chest becomes. My knees are weak, and my mouth is dry, but nothing I do can calm myself. I want to look away from Jade, but I can't. I have to though. I have to. I won't be able to do this otherwise, and I know that's what's best. I'm not being selfish, I'm doing this for her.
"Don't you dare do this to me." Jade's voice is strong now. Her body straightens and there's determination in her bright eyes. "If you go over that edge, I'm going over it with you, do you understand?"
"I'm trying to do what's best for you, Jade," I argue. "Just leave, and I can get this over wi--"
"No, Liam." She holds her hand out. "Come on."
I gaze at her hand for a while. It's shaking. Despite her strong voice, I know she's scared. She knows that I can see right through her act too, but she continues with it anyway. Maybe she does care. I clench my teeth together. Of course she doesn't care. Why should she? Everyone else is against me, everyone else would rather I be at the bottom of a dirty ocean. Why should she be any different? I turn back around. I inch closer to the edge.
"Fine then," Jade says.
I can hear a shuffling sound, and for a moment, I resist turning around. I soon do though, and when I do, I freeze in the spot. Jade throws her jacket onto the grey rock below us, and as I stare at her, she pulls off her shoes. What's she doing? When she ties her hair into a quick bun, I realise exactly what she is, in fact, planning on doing. She isn't actually going to jump in with me, is she? I harden my jaw.
"Don't..." I stammer.
"I'm serious, Liam." Her voice shakes slightly. "If you're doing something stupid, then so am I."
I stare at her then. Nothing more, nothing less. I just stare. What she's saying, it can't be true. She's just putting on an act: a glorified lie. When she pulls her glasses away from her eyes, I know she's serious.
"You don't care, not really..." I mutter.
"I'm willing to jump into a bloody ice cold ocean for you, Liam. What more proof do you need?"
Her words are hard and so is her pale face, but her eyes are bloodshot. The way she's biting down on her lip tells me she's stopping it from quivering again. I actually think she cares, and I'm pretty damn sure she will jump in if I do. I glance back at the ocean. She can't go in there. She'll get herself killed. I swallow a lump of realisation. I'll get myself killed. Can I do that to her? If I go in, and she does too, there's no chance she'll come back out, and if she doesn't follow me in, this whole scenario will screw about with her mind for who knows how long. I gaze at my feet.
"Love isn't just a word, Liam." Jade's voice causes me to snap my head up.This time, her voice is softer.
I spin back around and my eyes scan what I see in front of me. The water is viscous, and the sky above it seems to be swallowing up everything in its path. Then I look down at my own two feet. I see my worn shoes, and as I move my eyes an inch further, I see the cliff's edge. What am I doing? What the hell is wrong with me? I back away slightly, only just managing not to trip. I back away some more.
"Liam?" Jade whispers.
I'm a good few inches away from the cliff's edge now. It doesn't mean I have to ditch this idea. I could still do it... I could still step over the edge, if I wanted to. I pause. Do I want to? I glance at Jade. I can't let her do something stupid, and I know that if I let my body crash into the salty water, she'll let hers. For once in my wasted life, I can't be selfish. I turn around for the last time, then look up at Jade.
"I'm sorry..." I only just hear myself say.
Moments later, her arms are around me. Her bare skin is freezing, but right now, her body against mine is the warmest thing I've ever felt. Her blonde head is buried into my shoulder as she pulls me further away from the cliff's edge. I don't even think about protesting. Even if every other person in this hell of a world despises who I am, for some whacked up reason, Jade somewhat cares about me.
I'm just glad someone does because I damn well don't.

I'm saving a spot for my review here, can I do that?
All I'm going to say now is you must have been a slightly disturbed child!
*huggles*

Me likee!

Okay, well.

Her plump bottom limp quivers before she takes a step forward. As she takes another elegant step, I step backwards, closer to the cliff’s edge

lip.

That was it for the typos. I noticed an instance or two where a comma would be required, but Murphy's law being what is it, I can't find them anymore.

Skinsy, I really enjoyed this. I think you balanced the emotion and dialogue and description perfectly. With just this short scene, we learn a lot from Liam and Jade (two potential baby names!). I could picture this scene perfectly, feel the wind and the hearts beating and such.

Beautifully done, Skinsy, can't wait to read more!

Tanya

Bearing everything you said about this in mind, I do believe that this would be a good stand alone story. It's one of those things where you don't really need to know why your MC is doing this, as long as you can feel what he is feeling and to be honest, I think you pulled that off.

As for the ending, I liked it. It wasn't anti-climatic at all and if he did jump, I don't think I would have liked it as much. I've always believed that in writing, it is always easier to kill someone off rather than have them face their problems. Your choice was the stronger one. Having him still screwed up, but more willing to face his problems.

In conclusion to this brief review, I did really like this excerpt. Even though it was from a novel, the scene itself still presented me with a full character shift in the MC and a good beginning, middle and an end. The journey was well presented and I myself didn't want him to jump but at the same time believed that he would have at any moment (even though I was probably only a quarter of the way through). Don't be too self-conscious about your writing, it is very well written!

Okay, I'm a sucker for your writing. I couldn't not click on this, could I?

So, I enjoyed reading this. It kept me on edge throughout - I didn't want Liam to jump in. Although I didn't know much about Liam - as you explained this is an extract from a novel, it didn't matter - but I still found myself sympathising with him. I wanted to put myself into the story and pull him back from the cliff's edge.

I'm interested to read more about the relationship between Jade and Liam and what caused him to want to end his life, *cough* post more *cough*

I am glad that you didn't have him jump off - if you did, I think it would make most of the content in this short story pointless. All of the internal thoughts - which were portrayed well - would have been a waste of time if he'd made his mind up about jumping.

I did spot one typo -

This the hardest

You need 'is' after 'This'

So, thanks for posting this

I hope it helps!

xDudettex

This story was interesting, it had me reading through the end. I thought it was good. The only thing was the ending was a little bit of an upset. but other than that, it was a good read. Keep up the good work. Good Luck. Keep writing!!!!

YAY! I can review something of yours now! ^_______^

Okay, so I liked this and I only found one nitpick.

Her plump bottom lip quivers before she takes a step forward. As she takes another elegant step, I step backwards, closer to the cliff%u2019s edge. She doesn%u2019t step forward again, and neither do I.

Step = 3
I think that you should vary your word choice in this sentences but it popped out to me right away.
I don't think repetition is a big problem but the first two 'steps' were a bit annoying. Why not consider changing this to, "Her plump bottom lip quivers as she comes forward. As she takes another elegant step forward....etc,etc."
Just a slight switch can make the difference.

Skins, you're writing is awesome. You were definitely keeping me at the edge of my seat, wondering if Liam would jump off and hit his head or not so ten points for you on that. ^^
I only have a few comments about this in general. Firstly, why was jade even at his side during his suicide mission? Normally, someone who is very keen on the idea of death will not allow themselves to be found out so easily, no? So it kind of bothered me how she was there and that there was no explanation as to why she was there either. (Whaaow, check out all the 'there's in that sentence.) I would like it if you went back to explain that part a little bit more because it seems childish otherwise. Like, "Hey- I'm going to jump of this cliff, try n' stop me."

What I want to compliment you on the most is the delicious descriptions that you came up with. I was very impressed with the way you worded your scenes and explained the weather. That, and also because I'm a big weather-description freak if you hadn't noticed. Remember Taboo and all my 'rain' scenes? XD Okay, back to the point, I really liked your description so yes. Another ten points! Wow, that's the first time I've given someone twenty points before. You should feel proud.

And the last thing I want to mention is that there were times in this where I felt like you became a bit repetitive with Liam's feelings. While I was reading, I was like, 'okay! I get it, you hate yourself. Now move on and let me know what happens! 8D"
^It's a good thing and a bad thing but don't listen to that part much anyways.

Overall, it's a stunning piece of writing, I must say. Moving, beautiful, sincere and gives you a warm feelings after your done - minus that the fact that he wanted to kill himself and that...kind of ... stuff. Anyway, it was good. Sorry if this review isn't much help but then again, you're writing is hard to criticize so I'm just breezing my way through. If you hadn't noticed, I'm rambling a little to make this review look like I spend loads of time on it but in reality, it's not much. xD
Anyways, hope I helped some! Let me know if you need anything else!

-PuNk

This was really an amazing stand-alone piece, Skins! I wouldn't be too worried about it not having much context, haha. You give just enough information in the beginning that we can understand at least a little why Liam wants to jump. I didn't even know this was an excerpt until I read the end spoiler! xP I can pretty clearly see how he gradually was persuaded from his position of "I'm going to do it" to "well, maybe it's not such a good idea" to "I won't do it because of Jade," too. Beautifully handled, I think. ^_^

Just a few nitpicks:

Skins wrote:"People are looking for you, Liam," she says as the wind carries her voice.0

Typo at the end.

Skins wrote:Everyone else is against me, everyone else would rather me be at the bottom of a dirty ocean.

Should be "everyone else would rather I were at the bottom of a dirty ocean", or "rather I be at the bottom" (I'm pretty sure the first is more grammatically correct, lol ^^;).

And that's pretty much all I noticed really needed fixing, haha. They're rather blatant things, but I suppose that's good because there're no other nitpicks. xP Keep it up!
~Glad

I'm not terribly fond of suicide stories, personally. This one is well written and I'm glad the character got a happy ending, but I think you're right when you say it's rather anti-climactic. I'd almost have liked to see the MC kill himself, and then get some musing from Jade's end of the spectrum; how does she feel after his death? What does she think about him now that he's gone, and how does she feel about the threat she made to keep him alive?

What I think is silly is that threat. It means he isn't continuing his life for himself, but for her sake. And that's no way to live one's life, all for another person. That's not exactly living your own life, is it? What bothers me is that you fail to make any comment on this threat one way or the other. Do you, as a writer, condone or condemn the actions of the MC, of Jade? Expressing how you feel through the story will build a distinct relationship between you and the reader. If you're trying to get inside of the MC's head and come from a place less 'you', then ask yourself how Liam* feels right now, and why. What led up to this? What train of thought did Liam subscribe to that led him here? How does he feel about his actions? Has he thought them all the way through, or is his thinking shallow and purely emotional?

I guess these are more or less my own musings on the story itself and the characters within, but maybe that's what a review is. It's well written, like I said! You've given a great overall impression of who Jade and Liam are, and written their dialogue between each other very well. I get a sense that neither of them has been in a relationship before this one, and the melodramatic nature of their banter furthers this point. They're both obviously young, centered around each other, experiencing love for the first time. It's only fitting then that they are in the situation they are in. It makes sense. I've been there myself even.

The writing is somewhat cliche and boring, and there are some strange phrasings along the way. Develop your style, express this character in a fresh way, maybe look back on what you wrote when you were twelve and put a new spin on it with the experience you now posess. You'll evolve as a writer the more you experiment with your characters and the light in which you portray them. I think this story shows a lot of potential.

*And how ironic that the second story I review on this site would have a character in it with my name. Huh. Awkward, eh?

Wow. I don't think I can sum it up any better. Just... Wow.

When will there be more??

Okay, Skins, this is fexcellent. Very emotional, but not as far-fetched angsty as most 'suicide' stories I read are. (They're always like: "But you have so much to live for!" Melodrama.) Anyway, I felt for the kid, because I've been 'there' a few times, and I like that Jade character. She's scared--like any rational, non-psychopathic person--but she's willing to be strong, because she (may or may not) care for him.
His reaction is priceless, too.
The ending was a bit anticlimactic, but it adds realism, so I don't care (much).

Anyway, nice job (couldn't find anything to nitpick) and I can't wait to see what else of this you might redoing soon.

Lastly, don't worry. When I was eleven I was writing about people getting mauled by smoke beasts, genocide, and people getting their heads lopped off. You weren't alone in the 'oh gah this is depressing' field, heh-heh.

Hola, Skins! I personally found this story interesting and emotional. I actually cried a bit . I say this is one of your best short stories yet. But, you must've been some disturebed child to write about sucide! That just scares me a bit sorry. Other than that, you're a great writer and I'm kind of happy that you were disturbed enough to write something like this. I would NEVER be able to do that. Ha-ha. I loved your characters, especially your MC. His emotion pushed me to read on, it was just so captivating!

Keep Writing!

Nike

Heya. Are you enjoying your vacation (or, as you'd say, holiday)? I finally got around to reviewing this! Just a warning, though: I've been busy lately and haven't been reviewing much, AND I haven't done a good nit-picky review in ages... so you're getting sort of a backlog of saved up energy in both departments. Beware.

The waves crash onto the rocks, and as the tip of the water curls over, it seems to devour the bottom of the cliff in one, strong bite. Hardly relaxing. I inhale the stale sea air as another rock gets swallowed up.

Ooh, melikey. But I think you could develop this image (of the waves being frightening) a little more. You sort of start building it, then cut it off. I'd like to see it be a bit over-the-top. This is suicide, after all. It can be dramatic.

She doesn’t inch forward again, and neither do I.

You mean he doesn't step forward or he doesn't step backward? The "neither do I" implies that he doesn't step forward, but the "again" implies that he doesn't step backward, since that's the way he just stepped. If that makes any sense. >.<

I have taken her here to the seafront so many times before, I can't even remember the time when I wasn't here with her.

I'm not sure what you mean by this bit, especially the underined part. Do you mean to say "...I can't even remember a time when I was here without her"? Otherwise it makes it seem like all he can remember is being here with her.

I stare into the depths below me. The water must be so cold, so numbing. The mere thought of being trapped in it makes my heart sing. I want to feel it so badly, it cuts my breath short and tightens my chest. I just need Jade to leave. I step forward.

Again, nice imagery, but I'd like to see it be more exaggerated because I'm having a hard time knowing what he's feeling. I'll talk about this later in the review, but I just wanted to give you a few examples first.

The fragile tone in her beautiful voice makes me want to whimper like some pathetic girl.

The adjective, noun, adjective, noun, adjective, noun rhythm of this is a little distracting to me. I suggest you switch it up a wee bit. (I said I was in a nit-picky mood, right?)

The wind blows, and then she speaks again.

This sounds awkward, since I think of the wind blowing as a rather constant thing (especially by the sea). Maybe say "there's a gust of wind" or "the wind gusts" orsomethingmorelikethat?

“Words are worth shit. You can break them in half; change their meaning entirely, if you want to.”

Liam's poetic! I like this line a lot.

I soon do though, and when I do,I freeze in the spot.

The repetition of "do" was bothering me, and I don't think you need that bit anyway.

Jade throws her jacket onto the grey rock below us, and as I stare at her, she pulls off her shoes. What's she doing? When she ties her hair into a quick bun, I realise exactly what she is, in fact, planning on doing. She isn't actually going to jump in with me, is she? I harden my jaw.

Excuse me while I hack away at your writing. I just don't think this was necessary--it's obvious what she's doing, and I don't see why having her put her hair up would be the final thing that would convince him.

When she pulls her glasses away from her eyes, I know she's serious.

...and again here. What's so special about the glasses? Maybe if she takes off her glasses and he sees something in her eyes, it would be more powerful. Or if something about the way her hand shakes as she takes off her glasses speaks to him... right now it seems like she never takes off her glasses other than to jump to her death of a cliff. ^_~

I can't let her do something stupid, and I know that if I let my body crash into the salty water, she'll let hers. For once in my wasted life, I can't be selfish.

Pretty self-explanatory: there's a repetition of "let," and the bold part feels awkward. Maybe make it more like "if my body crashes into the salty water, so will hers"? Oh, and I just wanted to say that that last line reminds me of something Tori would say.
----------------------------

Ah. That was fun. I haven't indulged in a good hour-long nitpick session in much too long. :')

Anyhow, onto the main bit of this review. Just like everyone else, I liked this. I was surprised to see something so descriptive from you, but you pulled it off nicely, if I do say so myself. Quite nicely indeed. You had some really great poetic passages and some of your imagery was really just spot-on. Good job! There isn't really much to go by, because it's an excerpt and I don'r really know what the back-story is, but I like this. It was well-written and interesting to read.

Now for the negatives. >:] (<--cutest devilface ever, by the way)

Basically the only thing I dislike about this piece is now wishy-washy it is. Yes, he has emotions, and yes, he has thoughts... but you sort of flop from one thing to the next without leaving enough time on each one. You don't tell us the specific reason for him wanting to kill himself, and that's fine since this is an excerpt, but we need some sort of an emotional reason. Is it that he doesn't feel appreciated? That he feels guilty for something? Is he just really depressed? I'd like to see some consistent, driving emotion that's fueling him the whole time.

His thoughts can still flit around, but each new thought should serve to either prove his reason or disprove it. And he should keep referencing his reason in as many ways as possible. As it is now, one second he's saying he "has to do this" for her one moment, for himself another moment, because he's just depressed another moment. It made all of the reasons feel false. They felt like he was just saying them for the sake of saying them, and I didn't believe him. That's why I actually didn't have the whole "OMG! Suspense!" reaction to this piece: because it didn't seem like he really wanted to jump. And if he had jumped, I wouldn't really have cared because I wasn't getting to know him much.

Let me just end this monstrosity of a review with a quote to prove my point:

The fragile tone in her beautiful voice makes me want to whimper like some pathetic girl. Why can’t she understand? I’m worth shit. I’ve always been worth shit. She’s known me long enough to know that, yet she can’t seem to realise that this is all for her. She'll forget about me after a short while anyway, she'll move on. So will everyone else. Anything that resembles family, whoever's left of my friends, neighbours, even that dumb cat that yowls outside my house every morning. Jade doesn’t deserve all of this. I don’t deserve her. Another wave attacks the bottom of the cliff. That’s why I have to do this.

She's beautiful. He's worthless. They are close. She's oblivious. She doesn't care. Nobody cares. Cat. She doesn't deserve something. He desn't deserve her. And that's why he has to kill himself. Oh, I get it now. See what I mean? These thoughts aren't really connected, so it's hard for me to understand his reasoning. :/

Anyway, good job. You should do more descriptive pieces--they suite you. Sorry if this sounds harsh--you should know me well enough by now to know that I like your writing quite a lot and I don't mean to be mean at all.

Okay, that's it. I'll shut up now.

Wow Skins, this was really good. The spoiler at the end, how you said you didn't tell why he wanted to commit suicide, I actually liked. It gives the reader a chance to envision what they thought happened, and at the end it gives them a chance to control Liam and Jade's future.

This was really very good. The description and emotion were fantastic, and I just loved it. Awesome job!