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The Coward's Way Out

Sins · 2011-04-17T20:55:06Z

The Coward's Way Out So many people say that suicide’s the coward’s way out, but they're wrong. So bloody wrong. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, and I’ve made some pretty darn hard ones in my short lifetime. I never thought the only thing separating me from life and death would be a big lump of rock. The sound of the ocean splashing onto a cliff’s edge is relaxing, apparently, but did anyone ever think to actually look at it? The waves crash onto the rocks, and as the tip of the water curls over, it seems to devour the bottom of the cliff in one, strong bite. Hardly relaxing. I inhale the stale sea air as another rock gets swallowed up. “Don’t be stupid.” Jade’s voice behind me sounds foreign against the harsh wind. “Stop messing around, come on.” “What do you think the chances are?” I turn around to face her. “Chances of what?” I let a small smile escape onto my mouth. “Of me landing on a rock.” Her plump bottom lip quivers before she moves forward. As she takes another elegant step, I step backwards, closer to the cliff’s edge. She doesn’t inch forward again, and neither do I. For now. Instead, I turn back around to stare into the dark waves. I think it’s raining. Either that or the water’s current is so strong that it’s splashing up to where I’m standing. As another wave lands itself onto a huge rock, my knuckles tense. Why is Jade even here? How did she know I was here? I sure as hell didn't tell her. Maybe I'm too predictable. I have taken her here to the seafront so many times before, I can't even remember the time when I wasn't here with her. She probably guessed I'd be here. I curse under my breath. All I know is that she's here, and she has to go. I can’t do this until she leaves, can’t she understand that? She’s smart, smarter than a prick like me could ever imagine to be, so why doesn’t she realise she has to leave? My throat is so dry, it feels as though it’s burning up, and I have to squint to stop my damn eyes from leaking. Even at a time like this, I’m weak. I stare into the depths below me. The water must be so cold, so numbing. The mere thought of being trapped in it makes my heart sing. I want to feel it so badly, it cuts my breath short and tightens my chest. I just need Jade to leave. I step forward. “Liam!” she yells this time. “Don’t you dare...” The fragile tone in her beautiful voice makes me want to whimper like some pathetic girl. Why can’t she understand? I’m worth shit. I’ve always been worth shit. She’s known me long enough to know that, yet she can’t seem to realise that this is all for her. She'll forget about me after a short while anyway, she'll move on. So will everyone else. Anything that resembles family, whoever's left of my friends, neighbours, even that dumb cat that yowls outside my house every morning. Jade doesn’t deserve all of this. I don’t deserve her. Another wave attacks the bottom of the cliff. That’s why I have to do this. “Why shouldn’t I?” I hiss at her, but I don’t dare turn around. I can’t look at her. “Death is a more perfect place to be in than life.” “You don’t know that.” There’s a begging tone in her usually soft voice. “There’s nothing worse than where I am right now.” She doesn’t say anything. I can hear her stammering behind me, but that’s it. The wind roars and blows my fringe off my boiling forehead. The hairs on my arms are sticking up like tiny pins, but the cold doesn’t bother me. The water’s bound to be far colder. Jade speaks again, but all her sentences contain is sympathy. What I’m doing now, all of this, it has nothing to do with the sorry excuse of my childhood because I’m not the only kid who’s been through so much crap in their lifetime. I’ve just finally gained some common sense. All I know is that, right now, I’m alone. No one gets it. No one gets me, not even Jade. "People are looking for you, Liam," she says as the wind carries her voice. I can't help but laugh bitterly. "Yeah, right." “Please,” Jade tries again. “Don’t do something stupid.” “I’ll tell you what,” I mutter. “Give me one good reason not to do this, just the one, and I’ll turn right back around.” Jade’s silent for a while. I can’t see her, but I know her well enough to know that she’s got a million thoughts drowning her mind as it tries to conjure up something for her to say. The wind blows, and then she speaks again. “Because I love you.” I laugh. “Love? Love is just a fricking word, Jade.” I turn around to look at her again. “Words are worth shit. You can break them in half; change their meaning entirely, if you want to.” Her slender body looks limp in the growing darkness around us, and the longer my eyes fixate onto her, the tighter my chest becomes. My knees are weak, and my mouth is dry, but nothing I do can calm myself. I want to look away from Jade, but I can't. I have to though. I have to. I won't be able to do this otherwise, and I know that's what's best. I'm not being selfish, I'm doing this for her. "Don't you dare do this to me." Jade's voice is strong now. Her body straightens and there's determination in her bright eyes. "If you go over that edge, I'm going over it with you, do you understand?" "I'm trying to do what's best for you, Jade," I argue. "Just leave, and I can get this over wi--" "No, Liam." She holds her hand out. "Come on." I gaze at her hand for a while. It's shaking. Despite her strong voice, I know she's scared. She knows that I can see right through her act too, but she continues with it anyway. Maybe she does care. I clench my teeth together. Of course she doesn't care. Why should she? Everyone else is against me, everyone else would rather I be at the bottom of a dirty ocean. Why should she be any different? I turn back around. I inch closer to the edge. "Fine then," Jade says. I can hear a shuffling sound, and for a moment, I resist turning around. I soon do though, and when I do, I freeze in the spot. Jade throws her jacket onto the grey rock below us, and as I stare at her, she pulls off her shoes. What's she doing? When she ties her hair into a quick bun, I realise exactly what she is, in fact, planning on doing. She isn't actually going to jump in with me, is she? I harden my jaw. "Don't..." I stammer. "I'm serious, Liam." Her voice shakes slightly. "If you're doing something stupid, then so am I." I stare at her then. Nothing more, nothing less. I just stare. What she's saying, it can't be true. She's just putting on an act: a glorified lie. When she pulls her glasses away from her eyes, I know she's serious. "You don't care, not really..." I mutter. "I'm willing to jump into a bloody ice cold ocean for you, Liam. What more proof do you need?" Her words are hard and so is her pale face, but her eyes are bloodshot. The way she's biting down on her lip tells me she's stopping it from quivering again. I actually think she cares, and I'm pretty damn sure she will jump in if I do. I glance back at the ocean. She can't go in there. She'll get herself killed. I swallow a lump of realisation. I'll get myself killed. Can I do that to her? If I go in, and she does too, there's no chance she'll come back out, and if she doesn't follow me in, this whole scenario will screw about with her mind for who knows how long. I gaze at my feet. "Love isn't just a word, Liam." Jade's voice causes me to snap my head up.This time, her voice is softer. I spin back around and my eyes scan what I see in front of me. The water is viscous, and the sky above it seems to be swallowing up everything in its path. Then I look down at my own two feet. I see my worn shoes, and as I move my eyes an inch further, I see the cliff's edge. What am I doing? What the hell is wrong with me? I back away slightly, only just managing not to trip. I back away some more. "Liam?" Jade whispers. I'm a good few inches away from the cliff's edge now. It doesn't mean I have to ditch this idea. I could still do it... I could still step over the edge, if I wanted to. I pause. Do I want to? I glance at Jade. I can't let her do something stupid, and I know that if I let my body crash into the salty water, she'll let hers. For once in my wasted life, I can't be selfish. I turn around for the last time, then look up at Jade. "I'm sorry..." I only just hear myself say. Moments later, her arms are around me. Her bare skin is freezing, but right now, her body against mine is the warmest thing I've ever felt. Her blonde head is buried into my shoulder as she pulls me further away from the cliff's edge. I don't even think about protesting. Even if every other person in this hell of a world despises who I am, for some whacked up reason, Jade somewhat cares about me. I'm just glad someone does because I damn well don't. This is actually part of one of my novels I wrote back when I was a kipper. Considering I was about 12 at the time, it's slightly worrying thought that I wrote about this, but hey, that's me for you. I've revamped it a bit, and decided to post it to share with you guys. Also, because this is an extract from a novel, it may feel a bit empty... For example, I don't say what caused the MC to drive himself to do this because the reasons why are made clear in the rest of the novel before this scene. The same goes for his relationship with Jade. If you review this, or read it too, I guess, could you bear that in mind?

IcyFlame

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Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:59 pm

IcyFlame says... · Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:59 pm

I totally recognise this!!! I think you've used it in a novel now, have you not? I hadn't realised that particular part was written when you were twelve. Woah, my mind is actually blown! I can't review this, seeing as I now know what happens and everything but I'm surprised this has been right under everyone's noses the whole time. What I will say though - you're a little fond of the name Jade, aren't you?
Weird child. Weird, weird child.

Quote

What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor

The Coward's Way Out

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