Young Writers Society

So this is one poem I've been working on for a long time.
And the past week, I've scrapped it rhyme shortened it by half and rewrote most of it.

And I'd love your thoughts on it, and how I can improve poetry.

~~~

a scattering of particles
tyndall effect; beautiful
creaking, smelling
of yellowed paper
a new old-exploration

cobwebs covering cartons
each labeled fragile
(for 'everything' can shatter)
marked 'this way up'
(so you can start)
and heavy
(your hand aches
less than
your heart, I know.)

clouds burst
flooding you
drowning you
in a pool of colourful captures.

Hi!
I really loved this poem. It was uncomprehendingly hypnotic. I didn't really care that half the time I had no idea what you were taking about. lol. It was very soulful and I adore poems which are just an innocent pleasure to read. It didn't matter that I didn't have the specific meaning: it was great!
Keep writing, and btw, you deserve a *like* for this. You clearly worked really hard and I hope you have sucsess with this and it gets featured.
Regards,
Amelia

Rather beautiful.

I think

a new old-exploration

should be "a new-old exploration".

I can tell you put a lot of work into this-- thanks for uploading.

Also, what's a tyndall effect? I could look it up, but just pointing out--readers might not know certain words that aren't familiar to them. Maybe put something in your author's note?

I loved it. You CAN make out how much hard work you must have put in. It also makes your imagination run wild. As soon as I read the second line I was reminiscing about last to last year. I was in 9th and we studied tyndall effect . I don't think I can make any literally comments, just know that I was mesmerised.

Lava wrote:Hey!

So this is one poem I've been working on for a long time.
And the past week, I've scrapped it rhyme shortened it by half and rewrote most of it.

And I'd love your thoughts on it, and how I can improve poetry.

~~~

a scattering of particles
tyndall effect; beautiful
creaking, smelling
of yellowed paper
a new old-exploration

cobwebs hanging onto cartons
each labeled fragile
(for 'everything' can shatter)
marked 'this way up'
(so you can start)
heavy
(your hand aches
less than
your heart, I know.)

clouds burst
flooding you
drowning you
in a pool of colourful captures.

I think you need to use capitalization, I think that it would make it look neater. But this was a beautiful piece of work, and I hope you keep writing.

Lava!

Just thought I'd stop by. I very much enjoyed reading this poem, even though short lines don't tend to sit well with me. I may or may not come back with a fuller review, depending on how busy I am.

I think you need to use capitalization, I think that it would make it look neater.

Erm, no.

Cheers.

-Kafka

Hello there, Carotene.
I am here for the review, as you had begged asked me for one.
I loved reading this. The concept you have is very unique and original here. And, the explanation of the general terms like "fragile" and "this way up" in a totally different and non-general way is really very good.But one thing that bugged me is the punctuations. I could just find one semicolon, one full stop and two commas. Why? Punctuations are important it helps the reader to understand where to pause and where to stop. The ending was a bit abrupt too. It felt like something was still incomplete. I have some nitpicks, but I do not think they are of any importance but then also I shall point them out.

a scattering of particles Isn't Tyndall effect scattering of light?
tyndall effect; beautiful T should be capital in Tyndall as it's the name of a scientist.
creaking, smelling
of yellowed paper
a new old-exploration Good one. New old-exploration, eh? Liked it.

cobwebs covering cartons
each labeled fragile
(for 'everything' can shatter)
marked 'this way up'
(so you can start)
and heavy
(your hand aches
less than Add a but at the starting of this line. I think it would sound better.
your heart, I know.)

clouds burst
flooding you
drowning you
in a pool of colourful captures.

I hope this helps. I know I am a lame reviewer, you need not point that out. XD
Peace out.

*92*

'Ello Larva! Here as requested. :3

I don't have a whole lot to add to the rest of the reviews, but I'll try my best. xD Also, I'm warning you in advance that I'm reviewing with a migraine, so if something doesn't make sense, PM me about it. >.<


First of all, this was definitely well-written. It was short and sweet, and for the most part, the imagery was definitely at least somewhat original. For some reason, though, I found myself skimming over it. What it lacked was something that grabbed my interest - I didn't find anything that really pulled me into the poem and forced me to read it.

The second stanza was a little better, it interested me a little bit - but it still seemed to be missing something. I'm not quite sure what it was, but there was something a bit dry about it.

The last stanza was definitely my least-favorite out of everything. I didn't like the use of the word 'drowning' here - I've seen that too many times. Usually, I like poems to end with something that makes me feel like I just got slugged in the gut by some pro-boxer with huge arms. Then again, that feeling is extremely hard to provoke, so I'll go with "it should at least make my stomach twist a tiny bit." Yeah, I'm really picky about how people end their poems. =/

Then again, all of this could be the rambling of a migraine-struck girl, so take it all with a grain of salt. xD A person's interest tends to be hard to grab while they're being distracted by a throbbing head.

Sorry to cut this so short. >.<

Loff!
~~Ish

I love your poem, it has a great sense of imagery. I can't say my favorite lines because I loved every single one. I was hypnotized by the words, they were very beautiful....