Young Writers Society

Oh my god, this is really sweet and I couldn't help but be touched by the eloquency and the endearing qualities of this piece. I loved this. You have an amazing gift for poetry, please (for our sake) keep writing poetry.

Good lord. People need to stop posting works I want to critique, or I'll lapse back into not critiquing.
Crit ticket for you sir.

This is VERY good, and you have a bright future ahead of you if you continue like this!!! Everything is perfect, you are going to get absolutely sick of me because I will be critiquing many more of your poems but this one seemly has no flaws.

Hi Lad, nice to see your work around.
I've finally made it.

I'm iffy about this piece. Not sure how to approach nor how to interpret it nor how to read it.
I think the issue is that this piece doesn't know what it wants to be. A poem, a prosaic poem, a piece of experimental prose?
It's not sure whether it wants to linger alongside cliches or detach itself from them.
All in all it lack a little bit everywhere because of this uncertainty, that doesn't come from you rather in the presentation of this piece.

You've taken a kind of overused topic and but a spin on it, but not enough of a spin that our minds are completely detached from that cliched concept. Because all that separates this concept from the general boy girl - something going on idea is the imagery you play with. Now imagery, some of the stuff is good, interesting to read some of it just isn't strong at all.

For example.

a leaf torn loose in November's first snowfall...

It's just a descriptive image you use to give the feather context. But at the same time I don't feel they're compatible. You need a subtle image, and subtle words, which is generally lacking in this poem.

I think that's my issue actually, you could of worded this a little differently to make it work better, but it lacked the subtly and the delicate imagery it needed. It's all kind of plunked down and offered as is.
Layer it carefully, play off age a little bit more to balance out the romantic aspect, it may re-enforce the piece a little bit.

By the end of this, you have some good ideas. And you know where you want to take them, but it falls flat not long after the starting line.
Sorry for being pretty useless, I'm not in shape to review

Kamas

Alrighty. I have no idea why, but this reminded me of Samson, by Regina Spektor. .....anyway.

This is good. Not your best, but it's good. You had a few single-liners that I particularly liked. However, there are a couple things I'd like to point out.

The first thing I noticed was the lack of originality in the piece. You may have put somewhat of a twist to it with the bit about the boy merging with his own reflection, but overall it wasn't really enough to transform the poem into something new, rather than a bunch of cliches. Falling angels, girl and boy in the middle of a lake, all of it mixed in with love... all been seen before.

Secondly, up until the last seven lines or so, your word choice is a bit bland.
Is the reader able to play out the scene in his/her head? Yes, and quite well. The problem isn't so much that we as readers can't 'see' the piece. The problem is that the level of detail put into each line only gives us what feels like an outline rather than full, detailed descriptions. Don't be afraid to use more concise words to help bring everything to life. Perhaps just be a bit more specific, and use that figurative language to your advantage. I know you can.

Lastly, I like the idea you had with the merging of reflections. Is it a sufficient ending for this poem? Up until the very last line, yeah. Personally, I don't think that "and finally disappear" does the piece much justice. It left me with questions and lacks that sense of completion. If that was your intention, okay. If not, you may want to consider reworking the last line to better resolve the angel's fall.

Other than that, I do like this piece. Hopefully I somewhat helped with making some possible adjustments.. this was a pretty lame review. Sorry 'bout that. Nice work, though.

Get excited.

1. Take it out of italics. Please? I feel like if you do that it immediately makes it twice as good, but that might only be because I hate the italics on this site. For example, I cut and pasted it into my little reviewy thing for reference, and now it's not in italics, and I already like it so much better. So.

2. "The boy and girl drift slowly across the lake." Booooo! (I boo cuz I know you can take it.) My very first thought was: in a boat? Are they fishing? Perhaps a walnut shell? Are they elves? I know you may think it'd be way too obvious to say "The angels" but that's much more interesting than "the boy and the girl." Plus, then we can actually figure out how they're drifting. (WITH THEIR WINGS!) Also, take out slowly? I've never seen anyone drift quickly. Even if they are angels.

3. I love these next two lines. 'Skin of their reflected faces'. Pure gold. But, okay, let's say you heed my advice, which you shouldn't necessarily do, and you say
"The angels drift across the lake,
wingbeats stirring ripples that wrinkle
the skin of their reflected faces."
I took out 'their' from 'their wingbeats' because if they're angels, then, well, duh. And then you don't repeat 'their' in the same sentence, which isn't a huge deal but makes me a little happier. Actually, now that I think even more on it, you don't have to say "angels." Just say "they." We figure out they're boy and girl once you start using pronouns, but if it's ambiguous at first there are those three delicious seconds of anticipation. Or, you know, do something along those lines.

4. "In the middle they stop." Booooo! I've been reading this out loud for the past minute, and it just sounds...tell-y? You know, instead of going "They hover over the wet water" or something, you're telling us that they're stopping. (Not to mention I have this image of them just shrieking to a halt and sort of blinking and looking around, saying 'Why did we stop?' Why did they stop? If they fall, wouldn't it be better to fall at the shore? Or do they NOT CARE? How intriguing!) All right, hand-sliding, hair-twirling, color-changing--gorgeous. Love. Keep.

5. Okay, I'm starting to see a pattern. This is a third-person poem, which is good and interesting, but you're falling into this trap of just telling us what's going on. They're stopping. They're telling secrets. They're plucking each other. We're not invested. And it's killing me, cuz I want to be invested. There's some gorgeous imagery here, some really beautiful wordwork, and I'm missing it as you tell us how she pulled his ear to her lips.
(AN ASIDE! There have been some comments on making this less cliched. I have a piece of total opinion advice: Don't make her gentle. She doesn't seem very nice, with the forcing unwanted secrets upon him and plucking all his feathers out. I don't like the gentle pull, the parted lips, whispering the unwanted secret. That's the only part that seems blatantly cliched. Mix it up! I know you can.)

6. 'Snowfall' doesn't really conjure up images of any sort of weather in which leaves would be ripped off trees. November's first aching wind, perhaps? You see where I'm going, anyway. Plus, feathers don't really spiral. They DRIFT. (But not quickly.) They float. They pirouette. (Well, not really.) The point is, I think there's a better verb than spirals. Find it!

7. Good, good, good. Gorgeous. Love. "until the air begins to slip where it used to catch." Lovely, lovely, lovely. You are a genius.

8. I don't why but 'icewater sparks' made me smile. I like it.

9. Also on the same note as 'icewater sparks'...THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE GET IN THEIR HEADS. If you've been keeping track. Well, inside their bodies, anyway. She's nervous, or filled with anticipation, or fear, or exhilaration. It's lovely. Where has her emotion been this entire time, though? Or his? Is he happy that she's plucking him? And if you give the emotion to us in little asides, like icewater sparks, so we almost don't realize what we're learning, then it's gorgeous.

10. I'm not entirely sure what happened at the end. What was the point? Where did they go? Are they angels or people? Was this all metaphorical? Literal? Obviously, you cannot and should not answer all of these questions, but one might be nice. At least, give it a punch. Give it a purpose. Otherwise, all that happens is two people with wings are in the middle of a lake, the girl rips all the guy's feathers off (does she take off her feathers too? Does she even have wings?) and then they sink. Which is fine, except it's almost too ambiguous and it leaves the reader guessing a little too much.

Anyhoo. I have a lot to say about this because it's a lovely-gorgeous idea and you're a gorgeous-lovely poet, but it's just not translating onto the page. Fix it! And then I will come back and cry tears of heartache because I adore love-poems, and I adore you. Icewater sparks! <3

Sorry about the delay. I wasn't feeling too well, and couldn't write a decent review for the life of me. The italics kind of make it a bit more difficult to read, and I'm not quite sure why you need them. So.

The boy and girl drift slowly across the lake,
their wingbeats stirring ripples that wrinkle
the skin of their reflected faces.
In the middle they stop, and she slides her hand behind his neck,
twirling her finger through his hair as it shimmers and shifts
from gold to obsidian to silver.

You have a good image in your head, I can tell, but the way you put that image into words doesn't do this image any justice. The first sentence, if anything, needs to be reworked. "That wrinkle" is the phrase that's throwing this whole thing off. It could be that the "ripple" right next to it is creating an alliteration out of the R's. Also, the penultimate line could use some revision. Long lines together with some amount of grammatical sophistry don't tend to sit well in poetry. Oh, and one more thing. I think it might sound better if you relegated "obsidian" to the end, in place of "silver." Try it.

With a gentle pull she brings his ear to her parted lips
and whispers an unwanted secret to him
as she plucks a tiny feather from his winged back.

Waaaay too many adjectives here. "Gentle." "Parted." "Unwanted." "Tiny." "Winged." All in just three lines? Doesn't work at all. There's a point when adjectives stop reinforcing the image and start to suffocate it. Also, can secrets be "unwanted?" I'm having a hard time seeing this.

It slips from her fingers and spirals towards the water;
a leaf torn loose in November's first snowfall...
her hands continue about their work,
pulling away the cover to reveal shivering flesh
until the air begins to slip where it used to catch,
and they descend down, down,
down to where their toes skim the surface.

I don't particularly like the abrupt change in emotional atmosphere. Preceding this, you had developed a sense of calm. But now there's this sudden switch to agitation. I think you need to slow it down a bit. Other than that, I don't have any nitpicks. Alone, separated from the rest of the poem, I'd like this. You've got a good sense of, if not imagery, general feeling, and I think it's most obvious here. However, in the context of the rest of the poem, I think this needs a bit of work.

Okay, I've got to go, so I can't nitpick the remainder of the poem. Thanks for the request!

-Kafka

Hi Nightshade! Review time

First off, I like it! It excels in conveying imagery which, in my opinion, is the most important part of poems like this. However, it didn't really feel like I was reading a poem. . .more like a preview of something longer, or a dream of some sort. Now I know it's Narrative Poetry, but besides the form the words were in, it didn't feel like one. Also, I don't really understand why the italics are necessary if you're not going to continue this into something else.

Anywho,

The angels drift slowly across the lake,
wingbeats stirring ripples that wrinkle Wrinkle gives me the image of their skin folding and aging, which I think is not what you were intending. Try replacing wrinkle with something else... maybe undulating?
the skin of their reflected faces.
In the middle they pause, and she slides her hand behind his neck, Try splitting this up into two lines, and describe what they are in the middle of. Get rid of the comma before and.
twirling her finger through his hair as it shimmers and shifts If you only mean one finger, replace 'the' with 'a', and if you meant more than one finger, put an s on the end of finger,
from gold to obsidian to silver.
With a gentle pull she brings his ear to her parted lips
and whispers an unwanted secret to him
as she plucks a tiny feather from his winged back.
It slips from her fingers and floats towards the water;
a leaf torn loose in a November wind...
her hands continue about their work,
pulling away the cover to reveal shivering flesh
until the air begins to slip where it used to catch,
and they descend down, down,
down to where their toes skim the surface. I don't like the repetition of 'down' here. Try saying something like, "they descend down, further still until their toes skim the surface". Something like that.
She moves quickly then, with the icewater sparks running up her nerves,
and places her finger across his drawn lips as they
sink to merge with their reflections
and finally disappear.

Nice poem

~BTM

Oh wow. This is truly amazing. I loved the description and eloquence of it
I am really, very, impressed.

I don’t read other reviews most of the time because I don’t want to change my opinion based on the opinion of another. So here goes ignorant Lumi!

To begin with, let’s talk about your first word: the. Cute little bugger, isn’t he? Well, I suggest changing him off the bat because it’s just such a boring article. Let’s try this with a quantitative adjective!

Two angels drift slowly across the lake,
wingbeats stirring ripples that wrinkle

Still cute, no? It adds specificity that we’ll need shortly, so I’d like to see that changed. Secondly, on the same line, what’s up with you and using the word “slowly”? Give me a comparison. It’s a great place for a simile to flourish the beauty of the angels. Thirdly, consider the second usage of the word “the”—the lake. Changing this article as well gives you a chance to propose a metaphor that can add a layer that I feel this piece needs. It’s not necessary, of course, but it’s a lesson in layering and undertones. Alright. On to line two.

Wingbeats is not a word, even though it’s a fantastic combination. I’m not sure I’m a fan of your line break after ‘wrinkle’—it doesn’t flow very well to the content beneath it. As a general rule of thumb (and I may be preaching to myself), try to avoid breaking between a verb and a direct object (verb=wrinkle; direct object=the skin).

“Pause” doesn’t set well with me as the flow of your letter sounds go on this line. Lots of soft, round ‘d’s and ‘l’s. Try “idle” instead, or something else that fits. Pause is just to crackly for me.

I don’t like your use of “she” as the first address of the female angel, as well as your using “his” as the first address of the male. Pronouns love antecedents. Antecede them, please.

The next line reinforces this, as you use both of the pronouns again. Yeah, rename the first two.

Your next sentence is very breathy for me. For the mood and tone of this particular poem, it’s a tad unwanted in its own right. Punctuate it and give it some breathing room. Or at least try.

Change your semi-colon to a comma after “water” and consider your choice of ‘tiny’ as a descriptor. It’s too playful here.

Wooo metaphor!

Oddly, you hit a strong wind after that metaphor and keep going strong until the end. My only remaining suggestion is to play around with:

until the air begins to slip where it used to catch,

While I know it’s talking about the wings failing, it’s a bit too vague of a beautifully vague description.

This review sucked, man. I’ll make up for it next time, I swear.

-Ty

I really like this, it brings yourself into the poem as if you are really there and I love that type of involvement in stories and poems so well done! I think just try to think more of it in depth and perhaps extend a little bit, that's all. x