Young Writers Society

Needs some CC, please.


"Everything is ephemeral," she said.
"The stars come out at night, and are gone by
morning, scurrying back to their corners of the sky--
the flowers burst into life during Spring,
but they wilt with the first snows,
and they droop and fall and lose their petals--
I really see no reason why I should stay,
especially somewhere I'm not wanted.
I can go, see, be anything I want.
The earth expects it of me,
even calls me to do it.
It’s the way things work:
I have to." She looked expectantly at him,
excited smile dimming at his face.

He choked. "Where you're not wanted?"
He went quiet for a moment, and then spoke again.
Hurt whispered from his quivering lips, and words tumbled
out in a precarious waver.
"I don't think I've ever wanted anything more."

She tossed her head, and shook out the
pity that might have taken up residence,
an anchor of memories and reciprocation
that she’d decided to leave in the wind.
“Look, I’m sorry-
but you can’t keep me here. Everything disappears,
everyone hopes and everyone dies,
and we all do it alone.
I’d rather have done it happy and whole, I’d rather
have seen the things I want to see. Trying to hold onto me
now would be like trying to clutch at your dreams
when your eyes have already opened.”
Her eyes softened, and her voice followed a moment later:
“I really am sorry. I was happy here, for a while.”

When he turned away, she put a hand on his shoulder,
which was slumped and shaking with his tears.
She would not let him hide them;
she never let anyone hide anything,
for it was not in her nature.
She held him for a bit, but grew restless
when beside his sorrow,

and soon she was flying from the house,
onwards and outwards and upwards,
leaving the boy behind her;
with doubt on her lips,
she whispered to the wind:
“I was happy here, for a while.”


Based off the first two stanzas, which were written on my tiny little phone. I ended up having to wait in the freezing air for 15 minutes outside my student's flat before they got home, in a less than awesome part of the city, which was pretty lame. But, I got some time to write while standing outside, which was cool
Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Fantastic It's a great little piece of story. Talent if you were able to write that up quickly on your phone. I would wish it to be a little easier to read (to flow off the tongue), but I am no pro in the art of poetry. So do what you'd like.

Great one.... A story unfolded in a poem... Its very impressive how you created in on your phone....
How much time did it actually take you??
You better lengthen a bit and arrange it a bit more properly....
Its a good piece of work...
Keep writing...

I think this is adorable. You're right, it is a little rough, but I'm not in the mood to full-out review. It isn't much to work off, anyway. A few things, though - I don't understand why he would be angry. I also don't like her calling the flowers "little cowards". It breaks the flow.

Hope this helped! If only the tiniest bit.
>>Annie

Okay well I'm here on request!

When I read the title I felt excited as it's quite a universal title as it could mean so many things. I have to admit I didn't expect exactly what I read. I wasn't sure why you used your title. All we know of a calling is that the earth calls you to go away from places where you're not wanted and that little followers wilt in the snow. I was a bit disappointed really, I thought I was onto something really meaningful. Not that I'm saying yours isn't it's just not half as good as it could be with some real editing and a lot of cutting out and putting back in.

Your verses weren't lined up correctly which again threw me off. It made it look as though you were bored and couldn't be bothered to do it probably. Im not going to be too harsh on that as you said it was done from your phone. The only thing I can advice on there is-if you were really serious about posting it I wouldn't post it on your phone. XD

The poem itself didn't have any errors that i could see but it didn't flow well enough for my liking. It was choppy, it didn't have a steady tone or pace. It felt rushed and insecure if that makes sense.

I can't really help you on anything else. These were your main problems. All in all I thing the foremost problem is you rushed this. It wasn't looked over I think well enough and to be honest i was very surprised as your work is always and I really mean that, posted to utter perfection. I barely ever find fault with your work. And your featured nearly all the time!

I'm sorry if I was harsh but I'm trying to help you! XD
Well done and keep writing, I think you do have something here and with a little more work it could really improve!
Keep writing,
Kaka xoxo

Anyways- so it's kind of rough, but I like it, given the conditions.

I like it too It's very prettily written and I like how simply you deal with such an emotional situation.

I'm not quite sure about the ending still.

Yeah, it didn't flow perfectly, but I like the essence of it.

and she whispered to no one in particular,
“I was happy here, for a while.”

The only thing I can suggest is that 'she whispered to the wind', or something like that, instead of 'she whispered to no one in particular' might sound better, especially since you mentioned the wind earlier.

Also, any title suggestions?

Well, I'm a little bit in love with the word ephemeral at the moment (doesn't it just sound beautiful, and it's meaning is lovely too!) so I wouldn't change it too much, but I'm not sure about the 'girl' part; it sounds odd for some reason. Maybe 'Ephemerality' (which IS a word, despite what YWS spell check would have you believe)?
The only other things are:

She held him for a bit, but grew restless
when sitting next to his sorrow,

I think 'beside his sorrow' sounds neater.

onwards and outwards and upwards,

I love this line. There is such a sense of freedom

“I was happy here, for a while.”

I also love the repetition of this. You've really captured her character, to the extent that I empathised with her, even though he was the one being hurt.

This is beautiful poem! I love it!

-pigeon

Okay- so I actually finished this now, with a great deal of tweaking. There are obviously some parts that could use some serious work, but now I actually have the full framework.

Thanks so much for the feedback, guys!

Ooooo. I like this.

Or, to be more exact: I love it when people narrate instead of have dialogue--if that makes sense--and I love how your ephemeral girl talks, then, and I love "I really see no reason why I should stay where I'm not wanted," I love that line break as well, and I love "I simply must." I think the 'simply' is one of my favorite parts of this poem.

I also love "she would never let anyone hide anything" and your entire last stanza and "I was happy here, for a while." Gorgeous. I also love your third stanza: actually, I love whenever this girl talks, because she's very zen-like but in an almost cruel, detached sort of way. It's fascinating, how she's decided to let her memories fly and she can justify it all because everything's ephemeral.

Here's the thing. I don't like the dude. His voice is wavering and he's slumping in dejection, and while I was reading this I was thinking: "Persephoneia's too good for phrases like 'slumping in dejection'," and "I don't know if Ephemeral Girl would really go for this sissy."

(And then I have this whole issue; would this girl really get into relationships, if everything is fleeting and we all die anyway? I was wondering if this would almost be more powerful with a mother or father or other family member, how she leaves them and doesn't look back because it all dies. But it could go either way.)

I guess what I'm saying is this is a gorgeous poem, and your writing as always is gorgeous, and this girl and what she says is amazing. But I don't know if I believe the circumstances for why she's leaving; the measure of her that you've given us doesn't strike me as someone who would be happy with a boy who broke so easily, or in such a sappy way. It's great the way it is, but I think you can make it even better if you want to sit down and play with it. Otherwise, well-well-well done. :)

Thanks for sharing!

This is easily my favorite poem of yours. Your imagery and emotion are in perfect balance, and every line is carefully placed and meaningful. I loved your the style of Ephemeral Girl's dialogue. It is dreamy and poetic and beautiful. I tried hard, but I could only come up with three little offerings.

I really see no reason
why I should stay, especially someplace where I'm not wanted.

I didn't like the way these lines are broken up. I felt like the line break in the middle of the phrase disrupted the flow. Try putting the break after "stay" and see what you think.

Hurt whispered from his barely open mouth,
and his voice wavered.
"I don't think I've ever wanted anything more."

I prefer this bit without the "and his voice wavered". It doesn't add much unique description, and the section flows better without it.

When he turned away, she put a hand on his shoulder,
slumped and sorrowful, and shaking with tears.

The wording here is kind of ambiguous. At first, I thought that she was slumped and sorrowful. It's not a huge issue, but it was enough to throw me off for a few seconds.

I felt entirely different about the boy than Kaitlin did. I felt so sorry for the kid that it made me dislike Ephemeral Girl a little. He seemed to really love Ephemeral Girl, so I wasn't surprised that he was so miserly when she revealed that she was leaving. I also enjoyed the difference between their personalities. It created some really nice contrast.

Amazing work. Seriously.

Hey there! I've been seeing your name around quite a bit of late; it's a pleasure to meet you ^^

Alright then. Title. It's a bit of a mouthful but I like it, the half rhyme of the two parts fits nicely together and it's intriguing. It would certainly make me want to take a look.

I'm going to give you a quick line by line next and then try to give more detailed advice on the area where I think you could use a little more work:

"Everything is ephemeral," she said. [I'm not sure how I like this as a starting line. On the one hand it gets straight in there, but on the other, it's so early to be solving the intrigue created by the title. It's also not the easiest to read so I find myself flailing around a little, looking for the rhythm, and I don't really pick it up until line four or five. I'd suggest reversing it and putting this line in there as the fifth, then maybe tagging another on. Making it a sort of conclusion of evidence that she's presenting to him.]
"The stars come out at night, and are
gone by morning, scurrying back to their corners of the sky-- [I like the tone, love the poetic feel to her words but maybe you could have some more dramatic word choices? For example, I find gone a little weak and would suggest lost or maybe a stronger personification in general. Something like: 'The stars are hung by night, but are/ lost by morning, slipping the sky's noose.']
flowers come out with Spring, but they [For someone who wants to go and see the world, she comes across as very sedate. I can't feel her excitement or her passion here. I understand she's saying goodbye but I'd like to see her being more Ethmeral and moving on more strongly. What I'd suggest is starting this with, 'And the flowers! They come...' just to add a little more youth.]
wilt with the first snows, and droop and fall and lose their petals--
I really see no reason why I should stay,
especially some place where I'm not wanted.
I can go, see, be anything I want.
The earth expects it of me,
calls me to do it even.
It’s the way things work:
I simply must."

He choked. "Where you're not wanted?"
He went quiet for a moment, and then spoke again.
Hurt whispered from his barely open mouth,
and words tumbled out in a waver that threatened to break.
"I don't think I've ever wanted anything more." [Hmmm. That's his reaction? I was expecting an intellectual, at least in part, not a sap. Interesting. Let's see where you're going with this...]

She tossed her head, and shook out the
pity that might have taken up residence,
an anchor of memories and reciprocation
that she’d decided to leave in the wind.
“Look, I’m sorry-
but you can’t keep me here. Everything disappears,
everyone hopes and everyone dies,
and we all do it alone.
I’d rather have done it happy and whole, I’d rather
have seen the things I want to see. Trying to hold onto me
now would be like trying to clutch at your dreams
when your eyes have already opened.”
Her eyes softened, and her voice followed a moment later:
“I really am sorry. I was happy here, for a while.” [I felt your imagery in this stanza was a little weaker but still nice, no major complaints.]

When he turned away, she put a hand on his shoulder,
which was slumped and sorrowful, and shaking with tears.
She would not let him hide them;
she never let anyone hide anything,
for it was not in her nature.
She held him for a bit, but grew restless
when beside his sorrow, [Not much happening here, though I like that she doesn't let others hide either. That adds somewhat to our image of her.]

and soon she was flying from the house,
onwards and outwards and upwards,
leaving the broken boy behind her;
with doubt on her lips,
she whispered to the wind:
“I was happy here, for a while.” [The ending's nice for this poem but your later stanzas aren't as strong as the first.]

Hmmm. I'm slightly disapointed that the boy didn't make more effort and that he would have entertained her at all. He was very flat as a character and what you did show of him seemed too clingy and needy. There's a poem called 'The Flea' by John Donne. When I read your first stanza, that came to mind, and I was fully expecting the male character to pick up on the flaws in her arguement and put up an intellectual claim for why she should stay. For example, I expected him to point out that the stars and flowers come back and to suggest that since she'll be returning anyway, she might as well save herself the trouble and stay. I was looking for a battle of wits and then the deflation as she continues to insist on leaving. Or maybe a stubborn refusal to accept it. Ah well, nevermind. Maybe give that a shot some time in the future though, I think your style of writing would adapt well to it.

Word use: I noticed that you've got a few bland words thrown in there amongst some really strong phrases. You should maybe go through and consider each individual word and then the word within the phrase and decide if it's the strongest you can use. Not every word is going to be amazing or should be of course, or it would be more words than sense, but there's a few that could be replaced.

If you've got any questions or would like me to take another look some time, feel free to send me a pm ^^ And thanks for the read, I rather enjoyed it. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx

Hello, Persephoneia!

Here I am to review your poem. Sorry this took so long -- I'm not great at reviewing poetry, but I shall try my absolute best. Anyhoo!

I like this poem a lot, and I think you have a lot of good stuff in it. You're a very talented writer and I can see you going far with your poetry. This had fantastic imagery and an overall wonderful feel to it. As a whole, it felt easy to imagine the scenery in this poem and you do a good job grabbing us in. One thing I quite about this is the dialogue (of which the majority of the poem is composed). It feels genuine and like words people would actually exchange. It isn't prettied up for the sake of being prettied up. It's still modified to the point where it's interesting to read. In a lot of ways, your approach is more powerful then simply using a wide vocabulary.

However, there is just something about this poem that had me trailing off around the second stanza or so. I kept on trying to read it, but I just kept loosing focus. I think this is because you concentrate so much on the imagery and tone and don't take time to settle down for some of the more serious elements. Another thing that made it hard to get through were the line breaks. Where you put them didn't really seem to make sense and the flow felt disrupted. This is especially prevalent in the first stanza. For example --

"The stars come out at night, and are
gone by morning, scurrying back to their corners of the sky--
flowers come out with Spring, but they
wilt with the first snows, and droop and fall and lose their petals--

This quoted section is near the very beginning of your poem, so you need to draw us in with your imagery and description and get us in tune with what your characters are thinking. And you do this, but the breaks make it hard to follow. They interrupt the flow and make it choppy where the imagery should otherwise be calm and smooth.

Other then that, I don't really have much to say. I thought this poem was very well written and that you are a talented author. Good luck with your revisions and future work!

~ Elinor

Hi Persephoneia,

Nice try being cutsey, but all it serves to do is warm up this poem to the point that it melts. Ever taken liquified sugar and just drank a cup of it? The nauseating feeling from doing so is comparable to reading your first stanza - and believe me, things don't get better from there.

- The pseudoexcited "And the flowers!"
- "really see no reason"
- "go, see, be"
- "to do it even"
- "I simply must"

You're trying really hard to be Victorian here, aren't you? Yes, I understand that others have proposed adding in more elements to this stereotypically Snow White monologue; it doesn't work. Drop at least half of these nonsense phrases and replace them with actual content. Better yet, just drop them, don't replace them, and therefore make this thing more concise.

The theme of this poem is decent enough but small holes within it help to to sink the vessel. Examples include:

and words tumbled out in a waver that threatened to break.

If it's a waver, I'm sure the reader expects it may break. No reason to clarify a thought that doesn't need it.

she put a hand on his shoulder,
which was slumped and sorrowful, and shaking with tears.

His shoulder was shaking with tears? I suppose it is possible but the image doesn't click, nor does it add anything to the poem. Revise it.

broken boy

You've sufficiently demonstrated how broken he is throughout the piece. Tacking on this useless adjective just makes this entire line seem like dark comedy.

In general, fix the small issues. The bulk of the poem will hopefully follow, become a little less dense, and float instead of paddling along the ground.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

wow!