What we are

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A/N: Evi convinced me to do this. This is not my own will. Blame her.

--

- What we may be -

We’re loosely wired things, and easy to break
with peach-skinned fingertips, with the space
they filled like stars, cosmic things shoved into bodies,
fleshed and warm. Tonight we can see them,
bloated in the streets from plasma bitten
between gravity and their jawline
like they might collapse from theories,
thoughts of heaven right above them.

- Brain -

your eyes turned blue when a comet planted itself
between your ears. and shattered into ice,
like every thought exploded, so you could hear
every semitone, a heartbeat through their ribs.
Slow and slowing through petalring bones,
because anything red and pulsing
dies eventually (red giants too) and
it makes you grind your tail of thoughts
between Mercury and Mars like dusty red molars.

- Thought/ Lungs -

Thinking is like breathing out nebulae,
where dust (and hydrogen) make the air
sweet around you. And sometimes you can taste it
in the back of your throat, the flavours of rips in the sky,
bulges and pulses in your brain. Streams
and wavelengths that fuse and shatter like glass,
sparking flare stars.

- Heart -

Fibrils are warm and guided clusters
that fall loose and swirl cold. And sometimes meteors
streak light so bright it scorches the arteries sealed,
envelopes for summer letters and corollas of flowers
that you buried in those molecular clouds,
with puffed wax seals

- Skin -

I’d like to keep the world in a case
that would be flushed in the cheeks from the weight.
Atoms hacked out curves for my vessel, blazing traces
of the sun along the edges. Skin melts like wax
if it gets too warm, why should we stay away from the sun
while Mercury sits too close. Heat is infatuating;
such a foolish promised thing. Sometimes,
I wonder if I could peel the sun like peaches,
slices in my hands, cool and tickled skins that touch
each other gingerly and sugar dripping down the tips.

- Nerves -

It’s when you bite down on the moon
with your front teeth, or when it falls just out of reach,
past your horizon.
Neurons explode just outside your window at daybreak,
light from long ago might reach you today
and whisper stories to the wind.
The synapses taste like they did a week ago,
like something sweet
and burns on it’s way down.
It’s like you swallowed the moon for your brain
to see with it’s own two eyes.

- Bones -

I think that after we skin the night sky,
planets hold us up. Quiet textured souls,
that sometimes I wish I could split in half,
to see if it’s rocks or marrow that we can roll
in between our fingers – Crack them into canyons
with the flick of your wrist so you might plant blossoms
like tulips that you’ll name Jupiter,
if they’re red but then you’d polish them white
and replace every planet with your own hybrid blossom.

- Blood -

You could push hydrogen through your veins,
and have it collapse into stars
like it might detach itself from your heart completely.
It’s strange to think gas and dust keep us running
and make those stars shine before letting it collapse
to start again. Sometime you can hear molecular clouds
in your ears, when you look out the window on a rainy day
or breathe in the tulips from yesterday.
I hear it when I run my fingers down your cheek
the pulse at the front of my skull. Or when I eat peaches,
but maybe because they remind me of you, or fruits
tickle the plasma in my veins and paint me in orange dust.

- What we are -

We must be something like stars,
or a starburst. Blinking and growing
until we tear ourselves apart
so much faster then we should.
Some would admire us from afar,
streamlined us through a telescope
before we fade from thought and mind.
When eyes are elsewhere we’re still here,
shaking the plasma from our hair. And I can taste it
on my tongue, it tastes like space and some fruits maybe.
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




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I'm going to come back later and do a proper review, but I just wanted to say that this is super awesome, and you have a ridiculous amount of talent.




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Agreed. This is amazing, and I am extremely jealous...

~Blue




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We must be something like stars,or a starburst. Blinking and growinguntil we tear ourselves apartso much faster then we should.Some would admire us from afar,streamlined us through a telescopebefore we fade from thought and mind.When eyes are elsewhere we’re still here,shaking the plasma from our hair. And I can taste iton my tongue, it tastes like space and some fruits maybe

this was my favorite part in this.
three words:

THIS WAS AMAZING! (:




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This...is kind of incredible.
Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.




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Wait.. wait untill I pick myself off the floor. *falls back again*
What you have written is just amazing. The idea is brilliant. As I was reading , I was like "WoW!" every couple of words. I am jealous of your talent and thesaurus. I would like to say more , but I am speechless.
Keep writing!
*bows x10*
"The day we lose our need for dreams is the day the human race forfeits its soul." -John Chiam
"Morpheus: Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life." -Matrix




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Hey, Kamas!

Thanks for requesting the review. Here I am to complete it -- poetry isn't my strong point but I will try to do my best.

Overall, this was an interesting piece. I liked the concept, and I loved your imagery and word choice. However, I started to get bored and start to drift off after the first stanza. I reread and reread and reread the first part, but it just wasn't keeping me compelled our interested in the tale that you were telling. As it stands now, it's little more then pretty words with allusions to space and the planets. The imagery can be too much sometimes, and it gets in the way of telling a unique and compelling tale and rather more of a flashy light show. Now, I understand that this is a poem and not a short story, so story aspects are going to be less prominent, but it still doesn't mean they can occur. I'm not telling you to make a full out, traditional story of this poem -- no, definitely not. But what you can do: know what you're writing about and make the flow smooth. Don't stuff whatever you're writing about with every bit of imagery you can find, but rather, focus on what you want to right about. If imagery comes, imagery comes. If it doesn't, leave it be.

Another tiny thing that might be nice that you could do is make your transitions between describing each body part smoother. Right now, it's like, 'here's the brain, here's the blood, here's the heart'. Although I know some poems are broken up into sections, it just doesn't feel right for this poem. Make the reader get to your next point naturally.

I hope this helps! I am a horrible poet and I know barely anything about poetry. Feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions or if anything in this review is unclear.

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Holy mother... I don't know how to accurately put my thoughts into words. Kamas, it is absolutely crazy how talented you are, and especially for your age. I am so jealous, it's actually rather sad. Keep grinding out work like this and you are going to go far. Really, well done. I have absolutely no critiques.

You are an inspiration to us all

Chels x
We're young, open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world - Mumford & Sons




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Oh my dear sweet Jesus on high..... this is bloody brilliant. I can't even make edits because it's so.... amazing. You have crazy amounts of talent. Please keep writing poetry- and I would consider sending this somewhere, to a magazine or something, to see if it can get published. That's how brilliant it is. This is one of my new favourite poems, not gonna lie. Just wow, mate.

-Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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I found this work very good the vocabulary suggested great education and sophistication and I remember reading no unintelligent language.
"Let the gift that few men see be noticed by all before the wasteland comes." Lien Riel




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Wow! If only I could write poetry like that. This poem was truly amazing! There was nothing really to review, so I'm just going to give you a high five. *gives a high five*

-lilgreendots <3
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
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It Watches All

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By: Catherine Fisher


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This is amazing. I am truly at a loss for words.
To die is to lose and I always win
except for that one time...
that really hurt...




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Hey Kamas, I've decided to give you an annoyingly late review :)
Reading this, I ended up feeling very similar to what Elinor described.The poem seemed like a giant conglomeration of hollow pretty words. There are a few reasons why this might be true, and it's impossible for me to say which one(s) are correct, so I'll just lay them all out and let you decide what to take from it.

Right now there is a ton of gorgeous imagery, but very little for the reader to actually grab onto. The human brain doesn't like the feeling of scrabbling for meaning, to be effective there has to be some clear emotion or idea that all the ornamentation is branching out from. Imagery and metaphor are tools to help you reach an end, they aren't ends themselves.

However, your skill and what you've told me leads me to believe that you probably already know all of that. The basic idea underlying all of this is that there wasn't a strong emotional foundation for the piece. Try to build your poetry off of things you know and feel. It doesn't matter how good you are at the technicalities if you don't believe in what you're saying. I can't give you much more detailed advice than that, because there's no set way of becoming emotionally attached to your writing. To get to the level you want to reach though, you're going to have to find a way to rebuild that bond. You can't do it on skill alone.

The other glaring problem that I ran across is that there's no clear underlying connection between parts. There is the consistent universe theme, but beyond that there is very little common ground. Anything that doesn't relate to and enhance your main idea shouldn't be in a piece. Branches are great, but make sure they come back to the core issue.

Another possible cause for the disconnect is that you've gone too deep into the abstract. You could have an overarching idea and an emotional connection, but if your writing doesn't convey that to the reader, it's useless. Here are some quotes I'll use as examples:
You could push hydrogen through your veins,
and have it collapse into stars
like it might detach itself from your heart completely.

Thinking is like breathing out nebulae,
where dust (and hydrogen) make the air
sweet around you.

Sometimes,
I wonder if I could peel the sun like peaches,
slices in my hands, cool and tickled skins that touch
each other gingerly and sugar dripping down the tips.

These are all absolutely beautiful. They also left me, even after spending quite some time thinking about them, completely unable to figure out what you were trying to say. Complex ideas and language are lovely, but if they don't communicate your idea, they need to be reconsidered.

Kamas, you've left me with little doubt that you're a phenomenal writer. You forced me to write a mediocre, redundant, and vague review because the technical aspects of this piece were so solid that there was nothing concrete I could point to and say, "this needs fixing". I want you to blow me away though. The skills are there, you just need to learn how to use those skills to channel emotion.
The best of luck :)



i could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.
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