Young Writers Society

I see her face in the mist
rising from the splash of the waves.
Its her, a memory from a not so distant past,
she’s dancing in the waves, begging me
to come into her and swim in her essence.
I eagerly step forward
welcoming her cold embrace.
It has been so long since I last
fell into her fragile arms.

She pulls me under,
and graces me with her kiss.
A kiss that is soft and slow at first
but as the seconds tick away
turns rough and rushed.
I want to breath,
but if I let her go
she’ll dissolve into the salty sea.
I will not let go,
will not lose her again.
She hypnotizes me
begging me to stay,
to drown in her touch.

I take her in
becoming more her then me.
With each kiss
I’m filled with her.
There is nothing,
for miles and miles.
Nothing but her lips
her arms caressing every part of me,
slowly numbing my body.
I lose my fingers, then my arm.
I’ve lost my legs, and now my feet.

She is everything now.
There is nothing that is not her.
She has me under a spell,
no longer in my body
no longer fighting the urge
to let her go and breathe
I gladly succumb.

And when she releases me,
as reluctant as I am to go,
I am nothing.
A blue lipped corpse
floating face down
in a sapphire sea.

12-25-10

Hello there silentRain
I really like the concept of this poem, it's very creative. I loved the emotions and how colourful your descriptions were. However, some points in this poem seemed very disjointed. Especially in the third stanza were I felt everything was all over the place. Also, once I got to the fourth stanza, I felt things were starting to sound very repetitive and it dragged the poem a little bit. Overall I really liked how you exaggerated things; good job.
Keep writing and good luck!

I like your name "Silent Rain"... A very thoughtful name.... And about your poem - its good.... i like the breaking of your lines to make them sound good....
great work... keep it up...

I am silent after reading that. I feel....I don't know how I feel. But it was good. Very good. Excellent. I could even go on to say; Exquisite.
It reminded me of sometimes at the start of stories they start at the end or close to the end to bring the person in to make them wonder what happened before that. That what I felt like, I want more!

You are very talented and I would like to thankyou for giving me such a good reading experience. You are a really good poet, I wish I was as good as you!

What was going through your mind as you was writing this? You are very creative and again, I would like to thankyou for writing this brilliant poem.

Hey there! I like the tone of this. Very graceful, very slow and a little distant; I like how it mimics the act of drowning, though I felt you didn't prolong the 'panic' section enough. I'd have also liked a little more creativity to add a bit more spice to a subject that's been covered quite a bit.

Here's a line by line and I'll try to expand on a few things at the end:

She beckons for me to join her, [I'm not a fan of this first line. It's too used where drowning's concerned. Some other person/ being draws them in. Mmm. I wouldn't mind so much if we at least found out more about her later in the poem, some little hints would help to rock the boat a bit. Doesn't have to be anything conclusive but like, is this someone the persona lost or the embodyment of the sea itself?]
to come into her and swim in her essence.
I dive into her arms,
welcoming her soft embrace. [The tone here's good but maybe change a few of your adjectives. Soft, diving into arms. They've been used too much. I liked the second line, that was more original, but these are edging on dull.]
It has been so long since I last
fell into her fragile arms. [Expand this maybe? I get the feeling it's someone he lost but it could also be that he hasn't been swimming in a while. Who knows!]

She pulls me under,
and graces me with her kiss.
A kiss that is soft and slow at first
but as the seconds tick away
turns rough and rushed. [Here it would be cool if there was a change in tone/ style of the poem to reflect the sudden panic, the oxygen starved mind. The desire and need to reach the surface but the confusion that being deep under water with little oxygen creates. That would add some action to the poem and a good contrast with the gentle lul of the rest of it.]
Still I will not let go,
she hypnotizes me
begging me to stay,
to drown in her touch.

I take her in
becoming more her then me. [I like this line, the double sided concept of this. Taking in the water but also taking her in and becomming her. It's good ^^]
With each kiss
I’m filled with her.
There is nothing,
for miles and miles.
Nothing but her lips
her arms caressing every part of me.
I'm lost in her never ending embrace. [Mmm. Pick something more creative! You're describing obvious parts of her in obvious ways. Why? You've got a lot you could work with here, there's all that water imagery just waiting to be tapped, there's myth and sea-wrecks and even just standard stuff. There's the memory bank of your persona. Just... more originality and personality please?]

She is everything.
There is nothing that is not her,
never has been,
and never will be. [Starting to get a little repetetive.]
She has me under a spell,
and I gladly fall pray to her enchantment. [Enchantment and spell are in too close a proximity. Why not simply say, 'and I gladly succumb']

And when she releases me,
as reluctant as I am to go,
I am nothing.
A blue lipped corpse
floating face down
in a sapphire sea. [I like the ending, those last three lines have a very nice rhythm and tone to them.]

Overall, I liked it but I didn't love it. To be honest, it was too soft and gentle for me which made my attention waver. It's sort of like well this is nice, yup. Nice. There's not enough excitement here or action or even enough intrigue. If you're going the gentle way, you need to build your story stronger and give us more to bite on. For example, who is the girl who lures him? What is he doing? Is he trying to drown himself because he lost someone or was he perfectly happy having a dip in the lake before he saw this 'girl'. It's all very vague and insubstantial and on one side the distancing matches your theme but! It doesn't get the reader involved enough.

Adding more imagery to this would help. At the moment it's very sedate and the image you create is more one of thoughts/ emotions than a visual one. Throw in some more visuals too! Add in little snippets of detail that tell us whether he's in a sea, lake, pond, bathtub. Like. If there's sea-weed, we know he's probablt not drowning in his bathtub. However if there's a rubber ducky, well... xD You could have your persona momentarily distracted when he brushes against something or finds himself on a rocky sea bed. That way you could show his world closing in and then opening again and then he can be lulled back into the peace of the water.

Well I think I'll leave you to it for now but if you've got any questions, feel free to send me a PM or if you want me to take another look after some editing, I'd be glad to! I hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx

Hi- I think this is a great poem I just have one little issue with your wording. You seem to be very repetative in using the word her. I just thought you could mabey look for a different word and replace a few hers with it. But other than that it was awesome!

Hey there! So this is a beautiful poem. I really like the imagery and this makes me feel warm inside.

However, this is an extremely repetitive poem. There are only two examples you give as physical evidence of how the speaker is lusting over the other person: her lips and her touch. I want to see more examples, more imagery. I want you to talk about the feelings your speaker is getting from this passionate scene. You repeat over and over that her kisses are great and her touch is addicting, and I need to read other things to be fully satisfied.

You wrote it so much about the physical aspects of this poem, it's hard to see why your speaker is actually drowning. I'm guessing that it has something to do with drowning in the feelings your speaker has for the girl, but we don't really see the feelings. This is why I'd like to see them. Not only to explain the title - though that would be helpful - but just to get more insight into how passionate your speaker is about the other. Is it for fun or are they in love? That would be cute to know. I basically just want more of something different from you.

Now, you said you wanted a little help on the punctuation? So here we go [my comments and punctuation suggestions will be in brackets]:

She beckons for me to join her,[;]
to come into her and swim in her essence.
I dive into her arms,
welcoming her soft embrace.
It has been so long [I think 'since I last] should be added into the next line]since I last
[since I last] fell into her fragile arms.

She pulls me under,[no comma]
and graces me with her kiss.
A kiss that is soft and slow at first[,]
but as the seconds tick away[,]
turns rough and rushed.
Still I will not let go,[.]
she hypnotizes me
begging me to stay,[instead of comma, put an 'and' in front of the next line]
[and (delete 'to')]to drown in her touch.

I take her in[,]
becoming more her then me.
With each kiss
I’m filled with her.
There is nothing,[delete comma]
for miles and miles.[,]
Nothing but her lips[.]
her arms caressing every part of me. [no period]
I'm lost in her never ending embrace.

She is everything.
There is nothing that is not her,[delete 'her']
never has been,
and never will be [her].
She has me under a spell, [delete comma]
and I gladly fall pray to her enchantment.

And [I don't like the 'and' at the beginning here] when she releases me,
as reluctant as I am to go,
I am nothing.
A blue lipped corpse
floating face down
in a sapphire sea.

12-25-10

Those are only suggestions, if you wish to keep your own writing, it is of course what you should do!

I really liked this. It was sweet and seemed to be very well-thought out, though there are a few repetitive themes. Just remember a few things: focus on more of the emotional aspects of this scene, devise new themes, and watch your punctuation. I think you want the poem to seem like you're saying it so you punctuate it how you feel like you're saying it. Before you submit to the journal, be sure to read it aloud! It's like you're reading it in an entirely new voice!

Keep writing, you're amazing,

Classy

Hey, Rain.

I'm sorry this has taken me ages to get to. You have no idea how busy I've been lately. The annoying thing is that because I am so late, you've already gotten some great reviews. I'm bad enough at reviewing potery as it is, so I seriously don't think I'm going to be any use here.

After reading over the poem again, what I said above seems to be true. Also, the kind of critiques I have for you are similar to what I normally say abotu your poems. As a whole, I quite liked this. It definitely has potential, that's for sure. I really like the whole idea of the poem, so that's something I think you could do a lot with. Okay... critiques. Let's see.

My main problem with this right now is that it's a bit vague. I can't confidently say what's happened in the poem. Now, this is partly because of the fact that I suck at analysing poems anyway, but I do still think that ome details are too vague. It's fine if you want to keep thigns vague, but you need to be careful that you don't make it too unclear because it can just end up being confusing. Did the guy commit suicide? I'm assuming he did, but I'm not 100% sure. What abotu the girl? Where did she go exactly? Did she break up with him? Did she die? Betray him?

Wow, I feel useless. xD I'm so sorry I'm not helping here. I really don't have anything more to say. Everyhting seems to have been covered, and in all honesty, I don't even know what else can be doen to improve this. I always feel bad when I do poetry reviews because they're so fricking short and useless... Argh. x3

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins