Young Writers Society

Prologue


The OtherWorld in a universe parallel to the one where Earth circles the Sun. The OtherWorld is inhabited by thousands of creatures and human like people. The people that inhabit the OtherWorld are known as the Others. They are like humans in most ways, there is no difference in appearance. Both the humans and the Others have two legs, two arms, two eyes, and everything else, and there inner make up is the same. The only difference is that the Others have superhuman abilities. They are super strong, super fast, almost animal like.
There are Three Families of Others that traveled from the OtherWorld to Earth. Family lore says that the Three Families where born in the OtherWorld but they accidental Crossed Over into the world that is called Earth. It is said that the Families found great joy and peace in this new land. They called in the New World.
The Three Families built three Towers, one for each family. This is where they lived for ten years in complete peace, the OtherWorld forgotten other then in fleeting nightmares. Until one day one of the children went missing.
She had run off into the forest with her brother and just disappeared. The brother ran back and told their parents what had happened. They sent a party into the woods after the little girl, there were thirty men that went, only one returned. The man that returned claimed that the other men disappeared in front of his eyes. He said that they disappeared as they crossed the little brook separating the plains where the Towers were built and the woods. The little girls brother said that it was there that the girl had disappeared as well.
Two days later, at midnight, the sound of boots was heard coming up the pathway leading to the Towers, it was the men, they had returned, and the girl was with them. They said that they had returned to the OtherWorld and found the girl there.
After this it was known that the families were still able to return to the OtherWorld. They made it illegal to cross the brook it the woods. But People would still disappears, or Cross Over, as it is now called. They would return not long after they Crossed Over saying they too had returned to the OtherWorld. The OtherWorld was still apart of their lives, whether they wanted it to be or not.
It was then known that they could Cross Over at will by thinking about a part of the OtherWorld and wishing to return. There was also Pathways that would suck then into the OtherWorld if they happened upon one. They could also be dragged into the OtherWorld in there sleep, when visions of there home came to them strong enough.
The Families set out to educate there children, to teach then how to control when they Crossed Over and how to tell were a Pathway was. They though then how to return to the New World if they Crossed Over. Men were sent to map out the lands and were Pathways were.
This worked for about 100 years, the Three Families stayed with each other, only marrying others in the other Families. But as the New World evolved, so did the Families. They spread out and left the Towers, they mated with humans and had hybrid children. Some of these children had the abilities of the Others and could Cross Over, and others could not.
Now, every year the decedents of the Three Families come together at the Towers to become one again. They gather at the time when those that still carry the Gift to Cross Over are at the greatest risk of be pulled into the OtherWorld. It is on this day that the pull that steals the Others back to the OtherWorld is the strongest, and when the most people Cross Over, and never return.
2000 years later the tradition is still carried out. There are very few babies born with the Gift, but the ones that do spend three year at the Towers, from age thirteen to age sixteen, when their Gifts begin to fully develop. It is at this time, that they are most venerable.

Hey,

I really like your idea, but the sentence structure is tedious. It is very simplistic similar sentences which make it difficult to read. If a person was to pick this up in a book shop and read it, I doubt they would buy it to be honest. But that is my only real nitpick, I would just change them. I would really like to see where this is going, so give me a shout once it is posted.

Keep it up

PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666

please go back and polish up your sentences. It seems like they are rushed and in some cases more could be said. Just flesh them out a bit moreand dont rush to the point all the time.In saying this tho, it occurs to me that you may be just trying to give us a synopsis of you story and i think it will be great to hear about the trials of the young ones over the three years they spend in the towers.., its a really great idea. I would love to see you finish this piece, please let me know when you post more.

Ok, Vamp here, to review as requested

Firstly, I love the idea. If I heard a synopsis of it, I'd want to come and read the book.

When I come and read the prologue, however, I get confused. It seems very rushed and unpolished, and quite hard to read. I think a lot of that is probably down to punctuation; I'll go through that, grammar and spelling first, paragraph by paragraph. (By the way, I'd also put your paragraphs with a line of space in between them; it's easier on the eye.

The OtherWorld is a universe parallel to the one where Earth circles the Sun. The OtherWorld is inhabited by thousands of creatures and human-like people. The people that inhabit the OtherWorld are known as the Others. They are like humans in most ways; there is no difference in appearance. Both the humans and the Others have two legs, two arms, two eyes, and everything else, and their inner makeup is the same. The only difference is that the Others have superhuman abilities. They are super strong, super fast, almost animal-like.

There were Three Families of Others that travelled from the OtherWorld to Earth. Family lore says that the Three Families were born in the OtherWorld, but they accidentally Crossed Over into the world that is called Earth. It was said that the Families found great joy and peace in this new land. They called it the New World.

The Three Families built three Towers, one for each family. This was where they lived for ten years in complete peace, the OtherWorld forgotten - other than in fleeting nightmares. Until one day, one of the children went missing.

She had run off into the forest with her brother and just disappeared. The brother ran back and told their parents what had happened. They sent a party into the woods after the little girl. there were Thirty men that went, only one returned. The man that returned claimed that the other men disappeared in front of his eyes. He said that they had disappeared as they crossed the little brook separating the plains where the Towers were built, and the woods. The little girls' brother said that it was there that the girl had disappeared as well.

Two days later, at midnight, the sound of boots was heard coming up the pathway leading to the Towers. It was the men. They had returned, and the girl was with them. They said that they had returned to the OtherWorld and found the girl there.

After this it was known that the Families were still able to return to the OtherWorld. They made it illegal to cross the brook in the woods. But People would still disappear, or Cross Over, as it was now called. They would return not long after they Crossed Over, saying that they too had returned to the OtherWorld. The OtherWorld was still a part of their lives, whether they wanted it to be or not.

It was then known that they could Cross Over at will by thinking about a part of the OtherWorld and wishing to return. There were also Pathways that would suck them into the OtherWorld if they happened upon one. They could also be dragged into the OtherWorld in their sleep, whenever visions of their home came to them strongly enough.

The Families set out to educate their children, to teach them how to control when they Crossed Over and how to tell where a Pathway was. They taught them how to return to the New World if they Crossed Over. Men were sent to map out the lands and where Pathways were.

This worked for about 100 years. The Three Families stayed with each other, only marrying others in the other Families. But as the New World evolved, so did the Families. They spread out and left the Towers, they mated with humans and had hybrid children. Some of these children had the abilities of the Others and could Cross Over, and others could not.

Now, every year the descendants of the Three Families came together at the Towers to become one again. They gathered at the time when those that still carried the Gift to Cross Over were at the greatest risk of being pulled into the OtherWorld. It was on this day that the pull that stole the Others back to the OtherWorld was the strongest; andwhen the most people Crossed Over, and never returned.

2000 years later the tradition is still carried out. There are very few babies born with the Gift, but the ones that are spend three years at the Towers, from ages thirteen to age sixteen, when their Gifts begin to fully develop. It is at this time, that they are most vulnerable.

Ok, after reading it I feel that it's very info-dump-y. You're just telling us all this; there's no imagery at all. I think you need to go through it all and fix the mistakes I've pointed out first, and then try and rewrite it in a more interesting format. Some other things don't make sense to me so I'm going to go through it again to point them out.

The Otherworld is a universe parallel to the one where Earth circles the Sun. The OtherWorld is inhabited by thousands of creatures and human-like people. The people that inhabit the OtherWorld are known as the Others. They are like humans in most ways; there is no difference in appearance. Both the humans and the Others have two legs, two arms, two eyes, and everything else, and their inner makeup is the same. The only difference is that the Others have superhuman abilities. They are super strong, super fast, almost animal-like.

Ok, to start with, you’re just listing all this information. You need to rewrite it so we are shown what’s happening, and that needs to happen throughout the piece. There’s not much I can specifically pick out; you just need to go back and rewrite this. I’d put these *** in between the first and second, and the penultimate and last paragraphs, seeing as the first and last are in a different tense than the rest.

There were Three Families of Others that travelled from the OtherWorld to Earth. Family lore says that the Three Families were born in the OtherWorld, but they accidentally Crossed Over into the world that is called Earth. It was said that the Families found great joy and peace in this new land. They called it the New World.

Ok, I really don’t think you need “Three” to be capitalised. “Families” is fine, but I think “Three” needs to be in lowercase.

The Three Families built three Towers, one for each family. This was where they lived for ten years in complete peace, the OtherWorld forgotten – other than in fleeting nightmares. Until one day, one of the children went missing.

This seems really sudden to me. How would they just forget their home planet? And why does it appear to them as nightmares?

She had run off into the forest with her brother and disappeared. The brother ran back and told their parents what had happened. They sent a party into the woods after the little girl. Thirty men went, only one returned. The man that returned claimed that the other men disappeared in front of his eyes. He said that they had disappeared as they crossed the little brook separating the plains where the Towers were built, and the woods. The little girls’ brother said that it was there that the girl had disappeared as well.

Two days later, at midnight, the sound of boots was heard coming up the pathway leading to the Towers. It was the men. They had returned, and the girl was with them. They said that they had returned to the OtherWorld and found the girl there.

Why midnight? That just seems cliché to me :/ Maybe they could return at the same time they left, just two days later?

After this it was known that the Families were still able to return to the OtherWorld. They made it illegal to cross the brook in the woods. But People would still disappear, or Cross Over, as it was called. They would return not long after they Crossed Over, saying that they too had returned to the OtherWorld. The OtherWorld was still a part of their lives, whether they wanted it to be or not.

Why did they make it illegal? What was so wrong with people going back? You need to explain these; they don’t really make sense.

It was then known that they could Cross Over at will by thinking about a part of the OtherWorld and wishing to return. There were also Pathways that would suck them into the OtherWorld if they happened upon one. They could also be dragged into the OtherWorld in their sleep, whenever visions of their home came to them strongly enough.

Wait, how was this known? You don’t explain any of this; we’re just meant to suddenly believe that it’s so, without knowing anything about it. You, as the writer, are meant to create the pictures and stories in our minds.

The Families set out to educate their children, to teach them how to control when they Crossed Over and how to tell where a Pathway was. They taught them how to return to the New World if they Crossed Over. Men were sent to map out the lands and where Pathways were.

How to control what? If they just got sucked back, surely there’s no way of controlling it? And how do they know how to get back? You never told us that the people who went back to OtherWorld ever mentioned anything about how to return.

This worked for about 100 years. The Three Families stayed with each other, only marrying others in the other Families. But as the New World evolved, so did the Families. They spread out and left the Towers, they mated with humans and had hybrid children. Some of these children had the abilities of the Others and could Cross Over, and others could not.

Ok, you’ve just contradicted yourself.

The Three Families stayed with each other, only marrying others in the other Families.

So here, they’re just marrying within their families. Oh, and by the way, you have two “others” in one sentence. Try using something like “marrying only with the other Families”.

But as the New World evolved, so did the Families. They spread out and left the Towers, they mated with humans and had hybrid children.

And now, they’re mating with humans?

Now, every year the descendants of the Three Families came together at the Towers to become one again. They gathered at the time when those that still carried the Gift to Cross Over were at the greatest risk of being pulled into the OtherWorld. It was on this day that the pull that stole the Others back to the OtherWorld was the strongest; when the most people Crossed Over, and never returned.

Wait, since when was there a day when the pull was the strongest?

***
2000 years later the tradition is still carried out. There are very few babies born with the Gift, but the ones that are spend three years at the Towers, from ages thirteen to sixteen, when their Gifts begin to fully develop. It is at this time, that they are most vulnerable.

So, my overall comments are that I think it needs a lot of work, but it’s got the potential to be a really good prologue, one that I’m thoroughly looking forward to reading when it’s edited, and one that I think will be an excellent hook to the rest of your novel.
If you felt I was being too/unfairly harsh, I’m very sorry, I don’t mean to be too harsh or offensive, I merely wish to try and help.
Feel free to ask for another review at any time! And I’m sorry it took me so long to write this one
‘Pyre

I'm not an expert but it is really good in my opinon.
You could go back and change around some sentences. Take your time, pre read.
It is really good and readable but make sure you think about the type of person that would buy it e.g. teenagers. Just a suggestion.

Hey Silent!

The link didn't work in the request and I dug this out of your portfolio.
Vampyre has dissected this and has done a good job, so I'll just leave comments on what I think should be improved.

Grammar: Your grammar needs some polishing, especially the way you frame the sentences. There were also a couple of spelling errors. I would suggest you read up on some grammar and sentence formation.

Plot: Right now, I don't have much to say. This could become interesting if you manage to hook in the reader.

Description : This is where you really need to work. The descriptions are bland, you are stating things that happened. You aren't letting the story reach out to the reader. A reader wants all his senses to be satisfies while reading something. You also do a lot of telling. While some amount of telling is good, an excess will bore the reader. (This will give you more info on Show and Tell.)
Also, you could check out other writing tutorials. This is a good one on how to begin stories so that you hook the reader.
You're giving a giant info dump that does nothing to progress the story. I want to know more of the story. You can always show us things as the story progresses.

Overall: This needs a lot of work. You can always learn by reading stories. PM me if you edit this.

~Lava