Young Writers Society

Hey guys! I thought I'd post one of my songs. Ummm...I've written this last January, and I have sung it live only once, which is sad because I really, really like this. Haha! Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. =)

This song is about...aww...I don't have to explain! You'll get it. =P

Also note that I made this quite simple 'cause it's meant for communicating to teenagers. =))

AND BEFORE YOU REVIEW!!! Please either WATCH or LISTEN to the song! Please and thanks! =))

Solvalery wrote:PRESS THE LIKE BUTTON IF YOU LIKE IT!

MAGNIFIED

by Jash Bagabaldo


She’s trying so hard to figure you out
Throwing her heart around and about
Swift in disguise with that intentional smile
Clueless replies
She’s laughing tonight
When she caught herself humming a song
When she felt so unpredictable
But her feelings are just

Magnified...
The flower blooms and thinks it’s you
You’ve got her hanging on through the night
Hesitant of what she fell into
But if her heart allows
She’ll look about
And figure out
That it isn’t love
That her feelings are just magnified

The surface is all that she sees
Head over heels feeling
And underneath might just terrify her still young beliefs
A closer picture leaves the uncertain clearer
Somehow everyone seems so naive
‘Cause she caught herself singing a song for you
But those feelings are just

Magnified
The flower blooms and thinks it’s you
You’ve got her hanging on through the night
Hesitant of what she fell into
But if her heart allows
She’ll look about
And figure out
That it isn’t love
That her feelings are just magnified

And now an honest guess strikes reality
A dream crashes down with perfect fantasy
Disillusionment comes lurking around
She never meant to hurt herself
With something supposedly harmless
- her hopeless romantic profound

She looks in the mirror to tell herself,
“Well, now you know
It’s better to wait than to hang on tight
Wishing you’d never have to let go
Time is our friend not to neglect
‘Cause things are already set
In the right time
At the right place
Don’t you forget…’

“Those feelings were just magnified
I saw his eyes and wanted them mine
He had me hanging on through the night
Hesitant of what I felt inside
But then my heart allowed
So I looked about
And figured out
That it isn't love!"

And then she cranes outside
Displays the prettiest smile
'Cause she realized
You can never hurry love
Those feelings were just magnified

Ladaridamdam
Ladaridamdam
Ladaridamdam
(Magnified)
Ladaridamdam
Ladaridamda
My feelings were just...
...magnified



Meow...writing. )

© 2010 by Abigail "Jash" Bagabaldo

Sol made me a page! Thanks Sol and to those who'd follow. *grins*

0.0 *ehem* ... God! I love this... you're so extremely talented in every way, Abigail... I'm like... :O *FANSCREAM* I love you! lol Can I make you a fan club here in YWS? xD
P.S. My big sister heard the song and she loved it, too!

Jashy,

You are a very talented singer and songwriter. I am unfortunately no good at all at reviewing lyrics, but from what I heard and read, I loved it.

I think I'm going to have this song stuck in my head, now................

Mom. <3

Holy guacamole bro, this was amazing! You have a beautiful voice and play wonderfully. I never really listen to that sort of music...but I'd definitely listen to your song over and over again.

I've never really reviewed lyrics, and I don't quite feel like I'm qualified to do so, but I'll just point out something I noticed:

jashbagabaldo wrote:“Those feelings were just magnified
I saw his eyes and wanted them mine

"Wanted them mine" seems like you're missing something here. I know that you have to cut some stuff out for rhythm reasons and such, but I can't help but wonder if there's something you could add so it can make a little more sense. Just a thought.

Overall, I think the lyrics are great and something that a lot of people (including myself!) can identify with. Great job! You've got a lot of talent.

Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:

I know you asked me to review this, but I really don't think I'll be able to do that... It's too good to critique! x3

I don't know anything about lyrics, I really don't, but I think that this song overall is wonderful, Jash. It's clear that you're a fan of Taylor Swift. You have such a sweet, gentle voice. I love it!

I didn't really notice any technical errors, I don't think. I was probably too into the song to really notice anything like that though... There was a little tense issue, but I think that it was actually intentional. I wouldn't know... I suck at anything poetic. Basically, was the tense supposed to change at the end? I get the impression that it was, but I'm not 100% sure.

Sorry I was useless!

xoxo Skins

Hey there Jash! OMG I totally loved this, it was amazing! I'm not really sure that I can review this. I am known for the one who can pick stuff out of things, but this is just to good for me to review. (It also may be because I don't know how to review lyrics haha)

Anyway this was beautiful my darling! Keep writing.

-Flow-

Hey guys! You don't know how much boost you've given to me by your comments. Thank you so much for giving this the time. XD I really appreciate each one. But I'll answer RH,

RangerHawk wrote:

I saw his eyes and wanted them mine

....added more to this.

>> Here "them" referred to "eyes". So when the girl saw the guy's eyes, she wanted them. XD Did the order confused you? LOL

And skins:

I'm not 100% sure if the tense shift was intentional.

Yes, the tense shift was intentional to point out that the girl's so over him. hahahahah

Again, I thank you all! My recording was only done in my room, so it's low quality, but you can download it if you want to. (LOL) It's for free. LOL

Thumbs up.

Thanks for the likes guys! Greatly appreciated! =D/

So Mr. Silented is too shy to post here. XD I'm sorry! But I'm posting my answers here and sending you the link. I have to answer them in case anyone else is confused with these.

silented1 wrote:You took far too much joy in that. Far too much. Lololol. And what it might be is that you go through giving emotions and some actions. But you do not go into them, and the actions do not further describe them. So it leaves a vague feeling for anyone who hasn't been head over heels in love. =p That might be it. I'm still not sure.

Oh, I get that. Hmm... maybe it's because this is kind of a girl song? So, how do you think that could be fixed?

Also, the flower bloosoms and thinks it you. What is that supposed to mean? It doesn't tie into any other imagery in the poem so it just confuses us.

Oh, I see, I see. Anyway, I will try to explain. *ehem XD

We were talking about the girl's feelings, so I guess that's just it. When you like a guy (hey, you're a guy! Okay, pretend that you're a girl. LOL), when you start to have a crush on him or so, your feelings will explode and seem beautiful, like a flower that blooms. "And thinks it's you" means, "Oh my, he's the one! *screams* =))

And On top that, I also have a tough time because your work was so long, I had a bit of a hard time following it. (I tried many tactics to make it smaller, and by many, I mean two.) And the reason why I had a hard time following it is because that's just how I am. I cannot follow movies to well either haha. But other than that, good job.

Hahaha! My serious songs never get below 4 minutes. (LOL) And thank you! *eyessparkle*

Also, speaking of imagery, there wasn't a whole lot of it... Maybe that's what you were missing as well. I am thinking it's imagery or comparitive devices, like similes and metaphors. That aren't implied. We don't have much of a base for the emotions and concepts presented. Like Dreams crashing down in perfect fantasy? What is that?

I guess it was generalized. "A dream crashes down with perfect fantasy..."

Girls usually get disillusioned after going crazy over a guy she didn't take the time to know first well. That's what I'm aiming for this song. I know a lot of girls who had went through this. Thinking that the guy was perfect, but then something happens and it just crashes down her dreams as "disillusionment went lurking around". (Hey! Wasn't that personification? XD)

Also, the concepts would be like still young beliefs.

A girl isn't a lady, or a woman. A girl is a young female human who doesn't know much about the world yet, but still tries to push away the fact. =))

And the phrase a hopelessly romantic profound, what's up with that?

Girls usually hurt themselves by letting their "hopeless romantic" feelings get in the way of right decisions. =) The fact is, they still don't know what it really means anyway--yet.

The word choice is awkward almost, it's hard to understand. But i know it might be one of those things that you have to do to make the lryics work. So I am not sure about it.

Really? XD I get that a lot, and they say that it's probably the effect of my being not a native English speaker. =)) I'm a Filipino BTW. =))

But good job anyways, you went through the motions of what happens, and that's good. Very good. Keep at it.

And this, I'll just like to brag about this.

Hey, guys! I got a compliment from one of YWS's awesome reviewers! XD

Kidding, Silented. I was just so happy seeing your comments. XD Thanks sooo much for the time! =)) I appreciate it, and now I can see how most guys would react to it. x))


~ Jash ♥

"disillusionment went lurking around". (Hey! Wasn't that personification? XD )
what does it add to your poem? Disillusionment is running around, cool but so what? Make the connections.

silented1 wrote:"disillusionment went lurking around". (Hey! Wasn't that personification? XD )
what does it add to your poem? Disillusionment is running around, cool but so what? Make the connections.

But it is connected to the first lines. When a girl knows more about a guy and figures out he's not the one, trust me (gulp), I just know (LOL *blush*) it's such a big drag! O_o sometimes--it hurts. HAHA

Nice! I can never write a song like that! lol I'm so limited >.<. You're amazing, twin!

Whoa I'm in love with the song, and your voice! *Jealous* haha. Really, perfect. You play guitar well too. I totally relate to the song also, and there's seriously nothing about it I would change. You have a really cool style that just makes you want to smile.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Well done, Jashy! I really liked it! Like, *like* liked it. I didn’t get the chance to listen to it, so my review may be a little scattered. Hope it makes sense!

She’s laughing tonight
When she caught herself humming a song
When she felt so unpredictable

Hmm, I would say she would laugh at herself for being so predictable, not unpredictable. Let’s face it; a girl humming about her boy is predictable. I can imagine this character and her views on love. Let’s call her Amy.
Amy has seen love before, and knows some of the ropes. She knows what is sappy love and what isn’t. From the mood of this song, Amy has accidentally allowed herself fall into a sappy romance (without knowing it). Thus, when she catches herself singing (a symptom of a sappy romance) she is surprised that she too has become one with the sappy romances she had viewed and scorned previously. Her action was therefore predictable and sickeningly cliché.
However, changing this will disrupt the rhythm of the piece, so I suggest you find a way to put another syllable in there if you remove the ‘un’.

But if her heart allows
She’ll look about
And figure out
That it isn’t love

When I read, “Heart allows” I was thinking of something entirely different than what you came up with. Let’s turn this into an equation.

See, that is what you’re saying (translated into computer coding ) However, what I’m trying to tell you is this:

When speaking of the heart ‘allowing’ something to happen, it normally means that the person ‘allowed’ their heart to fall in love. Not that they ‘allow’ it to analyze their love and name it false.
Also, if you were to use your heart to discern between sappy love and non-sappy love, you would have a much distorted view. Love is blind, or so they say…

But then an honest guess strikes reality
A dream crashes down with perfect fantasy

By ‘honest guess’ I suppose you mean that Amy finally questioned her love in a serious inquisition. If that was so, then the guess should have struck at fantasy, not reality. And therefore it would have been the reality that crashed down.
“A dream crashes down into brutal reality”
Or something along those lines.

A hopelessly romantic profound

Is profound a noun? My thesaurus says no. If it was, what would a profound be?

Time is our friend not to neglect

This sounds a little weird. I understand the idea, but I think a lubricating conjunction would be best inserted here. However, again, this will disrupt the rhythm.
“Time is a friend we should not neglect,”
That’s the idea you were trying to convey, right? Well, it’ll need to be reworded, notice how long mine was?

Don’t you forget…’

You started this quotation with double quotation marks. End it with the same.

And then she craned outside

Craned? What does that mean?

Ladaridamdam

I have no clue as to what this is.



Here I have listed only the last words and the number of syllables in the line. You can see that there is some very scattered rhythm here, and that your pattern of rhyming is rather random. This is, however, an analysis without the actual music and/or beat in mind, so I may be wrong about how it all goes together.
This list is just for you to look over and think about.

out 10
about 9
smile 11
replies 4
tonight 5
song 9
unpredictable 9
just 6

Magnified... 3
you 8
night 9
into 9
allows 6
about 4
out 4
love 5
magnified 9

sees 7
feeling 6
underneath 4
beliefs 10
picture 5
clearer 7
naive 9
you 11
just 6

Magnified 3
you 8
night 9
into 9
allows 6
about 4
out 4
love 5
magnified 9

reality 11
fantasy 11
around 10
herself 8
harmless 8
profound 9

herself, 10
know 4
tight 10
go 9
neglect 8
set 7
time 4
place 4
forget…’ 4

magnified 9
mine 9
night 9
inside 9
allowed 6
about 5
out 4
love!" 4

outside 6
smile 7
realized 4
love 7
magnified 8

Ladaridamdam 5
Ladaridamdam 5
Ladaridamdam 5
(Magnified) 3
Ladaridamdam 5
Ladaridamda 5
just... 5
...magnified 3



Very smawesome! I didn’t listen to the music, since I review things offline and hadn’t the time when I was logged on. I’ll try to listen to it when I go back online.
For the general idea, it sounds a lot like the Dixie Chicks song, “You Can’t Hurry Love” in that both you and the Dixie Chick mention the fact that teens should wait for love to come, and not to prematurely seek it out (Also, you used the exact words ‘hurry’ and ‘love’). The song did not mention any relationship, and seemed to consist mainly of a conversation between daughter and mother, but the end idea was the same. It did not even brush on the idea of a girl falling into love and then, upon stepping back to see it more clearly, realize that it wasn’t real.
I really liked this a lot! Congrats on getting Featured!