Young Writers Society

So, this is my first attemp at writing a humorous poem... I know that limerick are funny poems, so, I wrote one of those...

I don't really know how funny this really is, but I think it turned out pretty good for my first time!!



I walked into my classroom and filled with dread,
there were six extra students and one of them said
“Our teacher just had a heart attack." In her eye was a tear.
My teacher's phone rang, she anwsered it and said “Oh dear!”
The kid behind me said with a smile, “And now she’s dead!"

Oh dear! (To quote the poem.) Well, I'm glad she didn't die. That would have been horrible. I don't know hardly anything about limericks, so I can't be a good judge of style, but I have to say that I saw a glimmer of humor in this. I didn't laugh out loud, but I DID smile.

My teachers phone rang, and she said “Oh dear!”
The kid behind me with a smile said “And now she’s dead!

In these two lines, "teacher's" should have an apostrophe to show possession. I was also a tad confused. Who said "Oh dear!"? It looks like the teacher said it, but according to you she was having a heart attack. As to the last line, I think it would sound better--and less awkward--if you said "The kid behind me said with a smile, "And now she is dead!" It gives a bit more *punch* to the rythym.

That all said, good job!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Hey there Silent. So, I like the idea here (though I’ve got to say, that kind of stinks for the teacher) but yeah.

Anyways, there are a lot of things I could be annoying and nitpick through but I’ll be short because they all really come down to one thing which is flow. Some poems have a very clean, smooth flow but others don’t. Here, you’re resting close to having good flow but it’s just not there yet.

Take for example part of IgnisandGlacialis’s limerick poem Mr. O’Clock.

When an hour has almost departed,
He feels distinctly downhearted.
He rams the doorbell
Bids tramp-hood farewell
And finds himself back where he started.

When you read it out loud, you can really hear that beat that makes it read so smoothly. You’re close here but there are places in each line where it catches, usually just on one word. Go through, reading it out loud and look for places where you can cut a syllable or two. It can make this bunches better.

Oh, and as a last note, “where” in the second line should be “were” and “6” should be written out as “six.” It’s just more formal.

Still, I like the idea. Good work!

Any questions, I’m sure you know how to reach me!

~lilymoore

Hey, Vamp here to review as requested!
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I was eating dinner

Anyway, on to the review!
I liked the idea, and I can see it has the potential for humour, and I'm glad your teacher didn't really die!


First things first. You've tried to make a limerick by following only the rhyming scheme, A, A, B, B, A. Unfortunately, this doesn't work as a limerick because you also need the right flow. If you read it through to yourself you can see it doesn't work, there are just too many syllables.

Being unable to think up an example on the spot, I'm going to borrow the example Lilymoore used.

When an hour has almost departed,
He feels distinctly downhearted.
He rams the doorbell
Bids tramp-hood farewell
And finds himself back where he started.

See, the syllables go: 10, 8, 5, 5, 9.

The first, second, and fifth lines should be about the same length, and the third and fourth should be shorter, to get the "limericky" flow that everyone adopts when they read a limerick (which I happen to find quite amusing )

So, if I'm honest, I really don't think this will make a limerick. The lines are all the same length, and I can't see any way to shorten them without losing the information; it's not just a question of changing or removing/adding a word.

If I were you, I would lengthen the poem, and abandon the limerick idea. Your poem doesn't have to be a limerick to be funny. Maybe put it as more of a narrative poem? That's really all I can think of to suggest.

On the plus side, I saw only one spelling mistake, which was "Anwsered". Should be "Answered".

So, don't give up, I think it could be really funny if you worked on it a little and didn't try cram too much into such a constrictive format.

PM me if there's anything else you want to ask/consult me on about this poem, and if you have anything else, you know were my WRFF thread is!

Hope this helps!
Vampyre

Tiger here to review per request, although this is so short my review may not be too useful. Comments shall be in bold.

SilentRain wrote:
I walked into my classroom and filled with dread,
there were six extra extra? Other might go better students and one of them said
“Our teacher just had a heart attack." In her eye was a tear.
My teacher's phone rang, she anwsered answered itand said “Oh dear!”
The kid behind me said with a smile, “And now she’s dead!" If she answered her phone, why would the person say she was dead? Doesn't make much sense to me? And why did they smile? Sadistic kid.

Well, this is short and simple and because I don't have any experience in limericks, there's not much to nitpick. In the second underlined sentence I just thought you could shorten the sentence a bit by removing it, and the last line I just found a bit odd. This was sort-of funny, not laugh-out-loud funny but grinning funny. It certainly is a change from your usual poems!

Tiger