Young Writers Society

Her hand twitched a little. This distracted her from her thoughts for a moment. She had been sitting on a sofa in the living room for hours now, thinking. The room was quiet and dreary. Miriam pressed a button on her cell phone to view the time. Her husband would be home at any minute from work. She remained seated, staring emotionlessly at a painting on the wall.

Miriam heard her husband’s car pulling into the driveway. She got up from her sofa and walked into the kitchen. He always expected her to present him with his supper every time he walked through the door. After all, she was nothing in life but a housewife; her duty was to cook, clean and eat.

Miriam remembered how life was when she first met Walter, her husband. He was different than other men. He loved her and treated her like she was the only woman to ever grace his world. When they got married he suggested she leave work to take care of her daughter, she was five then. He was going to provide for them and make sure they got the princess kind of treatment they deserved. Miriam found him irresistible. It was unbelievable that a man would want to take care of her and a child that was not his own.

Everything was routine now. He went to work, she would stay home and take care of the household business and then wait for him to come back home. In between she would go shopping for essentials and pick up her daughter from school. The only ‘me time’ she had was when she went to church on Sunday. They had been married for ten years.

Just a few months ago, she discovered a chain of his mistresses. He told her she needn’t say anything about it because it did not concern her, it did not matter anymore what she thought. He said that after bruising her cheek with a punch. Miriam wanted to leave him, but where would she go? Where would she take her daughter and what would she give her? Times had changed now and jobs were not that easy to find. The only thing she knew was to care for the household. She had to stay, for the sake of her daughter.

Miriam started to think about her own childhood, how rough growing up in her mother’s household was. She herself had a stepfather. He was a very strict man and he used to beat her every time he came back from work provoked by something. Her stepfather on one occasion even molested her. She was sixteen. Miriam’s mother had been hypnotised by him somehow and she did not really care much about her husband ill treating her daughter. She would not believe Miriam once she mentioned the molestation. So Miriam put it to rest.

That morning before school, her daughter broke it to Miriam that her husband had been molesting her. Every Sunday for months, he had done it. She was afraid to say anything because he threatened to hurt her mother if she did. Miriam was repulsed and confused. How did she ever come to have a life like the one she had. She had promised herself to protect her daughter.

Her husband walked into the kitchen and dropped his suitcase on the floor like he always did.

“So, what will I be having today? Did you roast the chicken like I asked you?” he said. He walked over to the fridge and opened a beer.

Miriam remained quiet. Her frail figure was resting on the counter, her mind drifting in between thoughts. Her hair, which had been falling off a lot lately, was tied into a bun. He said she have it like that for hygienic purposes when she was making his food.

He took a long drink from his beer. “It was really hot today, did you feel it? I hope it rains or something tomorrow becau-.”

Miriam cut him short, “The weather, Walter? That is what you want to talk about? You come in here and you don’t even greet me and ask how my day was.”

He chuckled. “Miriam, what’s the point of asking you about your day? You’re only going to tell me about ironing all day and cleaning the toilet. There are more pressing issues in the world like children starving in the streets that need more attention.” He took another sip of his drink and then placed the bottle on the counter next to her. “I’ll tell you one thing though, you really look like crap these days, and I thought I give you money. Why don’t you go to one of those women’s beauty shops and get yourself sorted. I don’t want my business partners to see you and wonder you why my wife looks like crap. Throw that bottle away and bring me my roast chicken, I’m starving.”

Miriam took in deep consecutive breaths and screamed out her husband’s name. “Walter!”

He stopped and looked back at her. “What now? Are you insane, screaming my name out like that.”

Her face welled up with tears. She kept a stern expression though. “You will never touch my daughter again, do you hear me?” her breathing rate increased. Miriam felt the adrenalin kicking into her system. Her hands were shaking, it was from the rage she felt. “My daughter told me everything and I want a divorce. I want a divorce and I want it now.”

He laughed hysterically. “You can be funny sometimes you know that? Miriam, you are an intelligent woman, and you and I both know you cannot divorce me. Where will you go? No one will hire you or even consider you looking like that. Now um, bring me my food and I will take my seat, alright. Do what you are good at and stop all that nonsense.”

“No.”

“What did you say?”

“No, I will not allow it. I will allow it any longer. Not my daughter, not my innocent child!”

“Miriam, I’m losing patience here.” He walked over to where she was standing. “Where’s my food?”

“Why don’t you ask you mistresses where it is?”

Walter got closer, back slapped her and she fell to the ground.

“Don’t ever give me that back talk again!”

Miriam tasted blood. She got up feeling a bit dizzy. Either way, she charged towards Walter and slapped him back. He retaliated with a punch to her nose and began strangling her. Miriam’s eyes grew wide as she struggled to leave his strong hold. Eventually he let go and spit on her.

“You like making me angry don’t you? I will kill you one day. Now, I won’t say this again, get me my food! I’m starting to lose my appetite.” He screamed. He was a little out of breath.

Miriam picked herself from the ground after frantically coughing from being choked. “As you wish,” she said.
She walked over and opened a drawer and grabbed a carving knife for the chicken. Miriam opened the microwave and took a tray with a roasted whole chicken. She walked to where Walter was sitting and placed it in front of him.

“Was that so hard? Now, carve me a piece.”

Miriam got hold of the knife. Everything that happened after that happened without intension. Miriam had not been thinking at all when she stuck the knife into Walter’s neck. She was also not thinking when she watched him slumping to the floor, and the floor suddenly spreading with blood. She was in another world, a world where reasoning dissolved and everything happened for the sole purpose of happening.

Her daughter walked into the kitchen. She was from school. She found her stepfather, who had bled to death, on the floor and her mother leaning against the counter, looking at him without emotion.

“Mom, what did you-, what happened?” she put her hand over her mouth. “Is he dead, he’s dead isn’t he?”

“Call the police,” said Miriam without once taking her eyes away from the body.

“Mother,” she cried. Tears had dressed her face.

“Diane, call the police. I am a murderer. It’s over, he can’t hurt you anymore.”

“No, mom I will not let you go to prison for this man.”

“I killed him, there is no other way.”

“Yes, yes there is. I will- I will get a shovel. The builder’s are coming tomorrow to lay the foundation of the new garage outside. That’s where we’ll bury him.”

Her mother’s eyes shifted to her daughter’s. “Diane, wha-.”

“Don’t worry mom. Just um, get some cloth or whatever and wrap him up. We need to move,” she said while throwing paper towels over the blood on the floor. “We will be fine, I promise you.”

“Okay, I will get a sheet.”

First of all I had a hard time with coming up with a title. I've also noticed that what I learn't from YWS has sort of escaped me due to my three months of inactivity which is scary. This is a practice piece for a story I want to write for a local contest. Thank you for reading.

Hey, Ziggie!

Her hand twitched a little. This distracted her from her thoughts for a moment. She had been sitting on a sofa in the living room for hours now, thinking. The room was quiet and dreary. Miriam pressed a button on her cell phone to view the time. Her husband would be home at any minute from work. She remained seated, staring emotionlessly at a painting on the wall.

I like the atmosphere of this opener, however it seemed very choppy and the flow was like, ' Go. Stop. Go. Stop."
Maybe you could connect some of these sentences to help it flow. Also, I would move the 'the room was quiet and dreary' to the beginning to build a setting and work from there. However, it's a suggestion and you are free to chose where you place it. ^^

Miriam remembered how life was when she first met Walter, her husband.

I would omit the 'her husband' part here because it's a given.

Everything was routine now. He went to work, she would stay home and take care of the household business and then wait for him to come back home. In between she would go shopping for essentials and pick up her daughter from school. The only ‘me time’ she had was when she went to church on Sunday. They had been married for ten years.

I feel like this is a bit emotionless. She wants more from this marriage, I think but it's hard to pin-point her feelings. Perhaps it's because your character is confused too? Also, you seem to be laying out facts here and there in no real order. I'm talking about the 'married for ten years part', perhaps you should push that up?

Just a few months ago, she discovered a chain of his mistresses. He told her she needn’t say anything about it because it did not concern her, it did not matter anymore what she thought. He said that after bruising her cheek with a punch. Miriam wanted to leave him, but where would she go? Where would she take her daughter and what would she give her? Times had changed now and jobs were not that easy to find. The only thing she knew was to care for the household. She had to stay, for the sake of her daughter.

Wow, you've managed to tackle a pretty a good problem here. It's scary to read, easy to understand the characters feeling and the best of all, it's realistic. However, I think you are doing more telling than showing and I know you've heard of this before. Maybe take a second to expand your writing and add some dialogue and scenes to make it more realistic. We could even get more emotions if you do this, it's a good idea - don't get me wrong. I like it but I think if you pushed the lines further, this would be a lot better. ^^

She would not believe Miriam once she mentioned the molestation. So Miriam put it to rest.

Why? This is a serious case and I don't think someone should just put it to rest. It sticks with you, it's like a dark shadow hanging over your head. I know this because it's happened to a friend of mine back in middle school. It's sad and scary, I would expand on this part too because it's not a case to be taken quiet lightly and explained in just a paragraph unless you have some deep emotion or a realistic solution.

One more thing, you had it quite realistic until you mentioned this part. I feel like this is overdoing the 'pity' here. Like, she's had the worst life in the world and is still going through hard times makes it a tad bit unbelievable. You're provoking the 'pity me' feelings here and it could backfire.

He said she have it like that for hygienic purposes when she was making his food.

A bit of weird wording here.

“I’ll tell you one thing though, you really look like crap these days, and I thought I give you money.

*gave you money?

“No, I will not allow it. I will allow it any longer. Not my daughter, not my innocent child!”

* I won't allow it any longer.
I like the anger you described in here. Sometimes when I'm totally pissed and angry I feel it too, that rush of adrenaline.

“Don’t worry mom. Just um, get some cloth or whatever and wrap him up. We need to move,” she said while throwing paper towels over the blood on the floor. “We will be fine, I promise you.”

Wow, she's very...calm?


In the end, I actually really enjoyed reading this story. Your characters are good, the setting is good and the plot is wonderful and the ending was interesting. I didn't think she'd actually kill him...Then again, I don't see many things coming. You can ask my coach, I get hit with all sorts of gym equipment all the time. ^^

Now, let's talk about your characters first. I think in the beginning you did some info-dumping. It wasn't that bad but I felt like the information was packed a little here and there and that you went back and did a lot of background writing. Some parts, I'm sure you and omit and burn and it wouldn't do much harm to the story. The best part was during the middle where she realized what her husband had done. With that being said, I think it would have been nice to hear some more hatred with the mother. I mean, the man she married and once loved had turned into a horrible monster in front of her eyes and what would go through her mind at that point?
Also, the daughter at the end seemed to be very calm when she found her stepfather dead on the floor, bleeding, and with a knife in this neck. Like, no scream? No fear? No 'holy crap what happened?'
It's very weird that she'd come up with a plan so quick, is she very smart? We don't know her character very well either so it's weird.

As for the plot, it's very interesting and realistic. You did go overboard a tad with the past life being as it was. The ending was weirdly 'under control' unlike the rest of it where it was iffy and tense. You grammar and punctuation was good too so I don't need go into that much. Anyway, I did enjoy reading this and I liked it. Good luck with the competition.

Hope I helped,
-Shear

Hey Shear
Thanks a lot. You have given me quite a lot to think about. Like the fact that I seem to have weighed too many problems on my main character. The calmness of the daughter, I was running out of words so I had to delete some areas in the story. Working on a word limit sometimes is such a let down. I will revise that though. Thanks again

Hey there Ziggie!

Thanks for the request!

Now um, bring me my food and I will take my seat, alright. Do what you are good at and stop all that nonsense.”

I don't like the um here which implies to me, that he's hesitating when speaking with her, giving her orders, yet I don,t get the impression that he's hesitating at all. He feels like God right now, like nothing could touch him. I suggest simply cutting it out.

back slapped her and she fell to the ground.

there should be a dash, there.

Now, I won’t say this again, get me my food! I’m starting to lose my appetite.” He screamed

it should be a comma, not a period, and the 'h' should be lowercase.

Miriam got hold of the knife. Everything that happened after that happened without intension

intention.

Her daughter walked into the kitchen. She was from school

I think you missed a few words, here.

Well, I'm done with the nitpicks. One thing I'd like to mention is that I read Pink's review which was good and thorough and I agree with almost everything she wrote.

My only issue is with this:

One more thing, you had it quite realistic until you mentioned this part. I feel like this is overdoing the 'pity' here. Like, she's had the worst life in the world and is still going through hard times makes it a tad bit unbelievable. You're provoking the 'pity me' feelings here and it could backfire

I disagree because I think it shows how patterns often repeat themselves. A woman who's been beaten by her father will have a husband who will beat her. In this case, it's abuse.

So, it was rather telly instead of showy. That I would work on. It was, at the beginning, an info dump. But I think it's necessary and pertains to the story, so definitely keep it in, if only not as choppy.

My only real issue is the lack of emotion. Miriam seems a little robotic. She reacts to events. I want to feel her motherly rage. I want to feel the adrenaline crawling through her veins. Have you considered writing this in first person? Or did you want us to be detatched from her?

Overall, this was good. It was realistic, I find, because these things happen and they are still taboo, rarely spoken about. You are quite talented, and you obviously have a good grip on your characters. I would work a little more on the daughter's reaction, but I understand in a way; her mother killed him to protect her and now she wants to protect her mom. That was also nicely done.

I hope this review was helpful, thank you for inviting me in your world.

Tanya

Hello. (:
Im not a very nit-picky person and I am feeling kinda lazy right now, so don't mind my not going after your grammar and punctuation anything of the sort. From the looks of it other people already have.

But mainly, the reason I am reviewing this piece is because I want to get across a couple details. One for instance is the whole beginning. As someone said before, you infodumped quite a lot, but eh, everyone does that, and I am pretty sure you probably have heard the speil on that already. So I will just tell you you did it. Its not that that got me though, it was the whole detachedness of the whole descriptions. Basically you were talking about how this woman was being mistreated by her husband, that he was cheating on her, that he was beating her. Yet if you read what you had written, it wouldn't seem like it was very real. There didn't seem to be any emotion behind it, no frantic thoughts, the despairty that would come with that situation and that is what lost it for me. It got better as you got to the end a bit, but I personally feel you need to get into the characters and feel what they must be feeling, get your hands grimy. Emphasize with them. Up until I was nine, I was in a broken household, and it was heartbreaking to see how much pain my mother was in. You have to get that feeling, the misery and the hope that comes with it.

To help with that, I think this piece might have been better written in first person. That way you could really get that passion into it. Imagine if that was happening to you; I bet you wouldn't be as calm and collected as that.

And this brings me to another thing. When she confronted him, it made it seem like she believed she could do it, that she had before. If she was really being abused, then you wouldn't have the courage to stand up, you would have to build it up. There was a lot she must have been risking when doing that. She was risking security in her life, she could end up with out a home, she had no job, she had no way to fend for her child. You mentioned the thoughts, but you didn't make them clear. I would emphasize them, and even make her nervous, shaking, afraid. Make her gain courage as he treats her like, mind my french, shit. Make her falter when he yells back at her. Make her seem human.

And by doing that, when she finally breaks, I believe you can make it all the more impacting. Make it seem like she gives in, turns around and grabs his chicken in defeat, and then make her kill him. Make it less predictable. Make it more passionate.

There was another aspect. I think you need to make sure you emphasize how she didn't like being in that broken household when she was younger, how she was molested by her step-father and how horrible an experience it was. And then you can move right into the transition that her daughter was going through the exact same thing she went through. Then you can add to it by adding that desperation to rid her daughter of this fiend.

Other then that, I want you to make sure you get the descriptions of the characters in. I was unsure what any of them looked like. And as Im sure, many people before me will have told you to not infodump the descriptions but blend them in nice and stealthily so that everything fits together like a puzzle and that there is no inconsitencies.

I liked the piece, and I would love to read more of your work.
PM me for any questions you may have.
~Incognito