z

Young Writers Society


Salem [Chapter Three]



User avatar
199 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14356
Reviews: 199
Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:29 am
View Likes
Apple says...



This is chapter two actually as I took Skins advice and went straight to the point, but I am just saying it's chapter three because I don't want to muddle things up. Now I'm just going to mention before you pounce on it (and if you do I'll know that you haven't read my abstract thing-o) that I've written the chapter in novel form - no spaces but indentation to mark a new paragraph - so I tried seperating it and it probably won't come out good. So, don't mention clutteredness of the text as, well, you know now don't you?

Spoiler! :
Well from my point of view (I went through and did a massive edit so chapter one if different, a 'lil), Baylee and Jaidon were pulled out of class to go to a procession and where Sybil tells of bad fortune. Now, Baylee and her family are at Jaidon's house. Very simple!


The Salem Sisters’ – a group of powerful witches – vanquished any who stood in their way.


Chapter Three:
Discoveries of the Untruth



There’s something you have to know about Jaidon’s family. If there ever was a vote for the most dysfunctional family; Jaidon would win it ten fold. It wasn’t that they fought; because they really didn’t, it was that they had the most different personalities.

Jaidon is the most mischievous person you’ll ever meet. He’s a guy with one thousand pick up lines and not one has ever worked in his favour. Maybe it’s because he looks twelve instead of sixteen years old. Curly blonde hair and chubby baby cheeks can do that to you. His father, Wallace, is the exact opposite. He is known all over Gallagher for being serious and never late on the job. And his Mother, don’t even get me started.

Sitting at their long, expensive looking table I couldn’t help but feel the slight tension in the air. Wallace was on the phone again, his quiet hiss echoing down to the end of the table where Jaidon and I sat.

Mum was giggling with Jaidon’s mother, covering their mouths with their napkins. Sybil sat behind a vase of flowers, dragging her fork through the peas on her plate. She was still pale from his morning, her eyes growing duller with every flickering minute. I stared at her momentarily; something was definitely wrong with her.

“So what did you want to tell me?” I whispered, forcing myself to look away.

Jaidon shot me a frantic look to be quiet. Glancing upwards I realised that Wallace had stopped talking on his phone and was staring at us. I grinned at him, quickly hiding my face into my glass of coke.

“So,” he began clapping his hands together. “Are you alright, Sybil? What happened at church-” Wallace whistled low, his moustache fluttering slightly.

My sister looked up and muttered something incoherently and went back to raking her peas into a perfect circle in the middle of her plate. Wallace coughed into the palm of his hand and nodded casually.

“What about you Baylee? How is school?”

“School? Why, it’s g-great!” I smiled curtly, willing the blush away from my cheeks. That’s the problem with me. Once I start blushing, I cannot stop. And let me just tell you; I blush all the time!

Wallace smiled, “Jaidon tells me that the classes have been split up again. You and him-”

“Are still in the same class,” Jaidon interrupted, I could feel him swinging his legs under his chair; impatiently.

“That’s great.” Wallace shot Jaidon an angry look. Was he onto us? He was the head of the police department. Wallace knew things before they have even began. My hand tightened around my fork, a nervous smile spreading across my face.
Mum sighed loudly, breaking the awkward silence. “So, how has work been, Wallace?”

Wallace turned his attention away from us and onto my mother. He blinked registering what she said, before replying. “Same as it always is.”

“What about that murder?” my mother pushed, her concern getting the better of her. Wallace suddenly spluttered into his drink sending water spraying over the potato salad. That scratches out seconds.

“The murder case? Why, Vivienne, that’s confidential.”

Mum’s cheek sparked momentarily before dying back to their normal rogue colour.

“Well – what about this new person you’re training?” Mum said, trying to make up for her blunder.

“It’s going fine.” Wallace’s phone suddenly went off, his hand snaking out from under the table to claim it. Lifting open the top, he excused himself and abandoned into the foyer.

Jaidon kicked me in the shin; I grinded my back teeth together trying not to let out a word of pain.

“Mum, can we go play?” Jaidon asked, getting up from his chair. I followed his lead, looking mournfully at what was left of my meal.

“I don’t see why not. Sybil, would you like to accompany them?” Jaidon’s mother replied.

Sybil shook her head, her blonde locks jumping around her face. Mum placed her arm around my sister’s shoulders and kissed her forehead. Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help but feel the small spark of jealousy. Jaidon grabbed onto my elbow and began to pull me the opposite way his Father had gone.

“Alright, so we have only a little while till Dad goes to his office.” Sliding through the door, we hurried down the hall way heading towards the long winding steps. This was the exact reason why Jaidon was one of the richest people in Gallagher. His fancy pansy house was probably the best architectural eye sore for miles. It was the only place that looked modern.
“And if he comes back?” We stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading up to his office. Jaidon slid his finger across his neck rolling his eyes back into his head. I cringed in disgust but giggled anyway.

“You know Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s death?” Jaidon began, mounting the stairs. I followed after him slowly, one plus one beginning to churn around my mind.

“Jaidon, you don’t mean we’re going to break into your father’s office to look at that?”

Jaidon shook his head, “No! Something weird has been happening. Dad hasn’t been home in the last three days so I started getting suspicious.” Opening the door to the office, I looked over my shoulder and slid in, the smell of paper hit me in a strong wave.

“Going through his files, I found something very interesting.”

The door slammed shut sending me whirling around in fear. Jaidon got on all fours, lifting up the Persian rug covering the timber floors. He pulled out pictures and a page ripped messily from a note pad.

“What is that stuff?”

“This may sound absolutely insane, but do you remember the tales of the Blue Jay from when we were younger?” I nodded crouching down next to him. “Yeah, we were obsessed.” I didn’t want to mention that at sixteen I was still obsessed.

“Well you’ll never guess what…but he is real. He was the one that killed those people.”

I blinked at Jaidon as if he had not only grown two heads but three tails, also. He grinned at me, as if expecting to me to stand and do the jig. I, of course, was not going to do the jig. One, because I did not believe a word he just said. And two; because he was absolutely insane if he thought I was going to trust that line, again.

“Very funny, but I’m not falling for that one again.”

Jaidon’s face fell. “You don’t believe me?”

“Of course not! The Blue Jay is a fictional character!”

“Here, look at the photos then!” Handing them over to me, I stared at the Polaroids. Two black carcasses were tossed messily upon each other. Looking down at the spidery writing underneath, the words; victims, was spelt in blue biro. I felt what food I had in my stomach begin to rise into my throat. Jaidon nodded, a mask of disgust covering his face.
“Who – no, what ever they are, they’re not Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s bodies.”

Tossing it in front of Jaidon, I stared at the second photo. Black liquid was used as ink across the graffiti damaged wall. Leaning in closer, I squinted to see what is said.

“The time is coming.” I read aloud, looking up at Jaidon when I was finished.

“I think its blood.”

“Blood? But it’s black!”

“Weird isn’t it.”

Flipping over to the next picture, I gasped loudly, stumbling back into Wallace’s desk. The vase began to wobble nervously, the cold water speckling over the back of my neck. Jaidon glanced at the door, his eye scanning the room carefully.

“Blue Jay,” the words came out in a hiss, my hands were shaking fearfully.

Peering in closer, I felt my mouth drop. It couldn’t be; the Blue Jay was a fairy tale that parents made up to scare children from going anywhere unattended by an adult. Jaidon dropped a large book next to me, the picture of the Blue Jay stood on the left page. Under his foot were carcases of demons that he had slayed.

I gasped, grabbing at the other picture with the dead bodies. I felt the hair on my neck stand on end.

“Demons!” I almost cried.

“That’s what I thought.” Jaidon pointed at the pictures with his little finger. “I think they’re demons and the Blue Jay had killed ‘em.”

“The police force made up those lies about Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s, then?”

“Exactly!”

“But that means that, your father, is hunting down the Blue Jay-”

Jaidon’s hand clamped over my mouth. I squirmed in his hold, elbowing him in the stomach. He hissed in my ear motioning with his head at the door. I could hear foot steps. The sound of Wallace arguing with someone on his mobile echoed in my ears.

“Just follow my lead.” Jaidon whispered urgently in my ear. Grabbing at the pictures, I followed him towards the large cupboard in the corner of the room. Wallace spent most of his time in this area so he kept most of his stuff in it. It was also the reason that Jaidon’s family was so dysfunctional. They hardly spent any time together.

Wallace’s footsteps were getting closer towards the door. His shadow visible through the gaps in the hard wood. Jumping into the cupboard, I eased it shut. Fear throbbed at my heart, sweat beginning to run down my neck. The door knob began to turn; Wallace’s voice booming in anger.

Sliding to the floor, I clutched the photos to my heart. Please God, don’t let us be caught! I could feel Jaidon sliding down next to me, pulling a heavy coat over him. I pushed myself as close as I could, daring not to move anymore.

“…I don’t care, Lee!” Wallace shouted urgently, “I need you to do that for me, okay. Those things we found, I don’t think they’re human.” Silence. “Yes, I know it’s irrational and that I’ve been listening to Percible-” I felt my breath catch in my throat. “-to long, but some part of me… Yes! I am not stupid, Lee; I know it isn’t the real Blue Jay. An imposter, what are you trying to sound like: my wife? Yes, I am aware of that consequence. Just…get in hold with Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s and make sure they never return again.”

Wallace dropped to the ground by the door, covering his hand over his eyes.

“I know that’s wrong and we could get into a lot of trouble, but it is the only option.”

I glanced at Jaidon to see him chewing nervously on his nails. Seeing my staring, he motioned with eyes to the gap in the door. Leaning forward, I felt my heart stop. We had forgotten to get the book and it was open to the Blue Jay picture.
“Yes, I am here.” Wallace’s voice came out slowly; I watched his eyes drop onto the open page. I swear I could hear ‘Lee’ – who ever he was - say; “What’s wrong?” he didn’t sound old; in fact he sounded a couple years older then me.

“I think I have a rat problem. I’ve got to go, talk to you tomorrow morning at the office.”

Jaidon’s hands clamped urgently around my forearm, his nails digging into my skin. I searched his eyes for a plan, though all I could see was fear. I began to push against the wall, as the sound of Wallace’s footsteps lead towards the cupboard. He was singing! Humming actually, though singing and humming; they both did the same thing. Grounding across my nerves, it almost sent me into tears. Almost.

He stopped in front of the door, his figure blocking out the small light that seeped into the cupboard. Wallace reached up for the handle, his hand sealing around the brass handlebar.

“Wallace!” Jaidon’s mother’s voice yelped up the stairs. Wallace froze like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Someone is here to see you! From your department.”

Wallace grumbled something. Turning his back on the cupboard he headed towards the door, scooping the book up in his hands. As the office door slammed shut, I felt my heart skip a beat. I wasn’t dead.
I spy!
  





User avatar
377 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22732
Reviews: 377
Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:13 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hi Apple! Jai here from the Dynamic Duo (or the Dysfunctional Duo until the other half finishes her exams :/)! Also, sorry for my late review. I burned my pinkie with some hot oil, so my right hand is down a useful finger and I find myself being even more dyslexic than normal - you won't believe how much loosing a pinkie will do to your typing - completely throws you off one column of keys to the right, so you're typing everything completely wrong D:

There’s something you have to know about Jaidon’s family.

My name's Jadyn, pronounced Jay-den :3

If there ever was a vote for the most dysfunctional family; Jaidon would win it ten fold.

*Jaidon's

It wasn’t that they fought; because they really didn’t, it was that they had the most different personalities.

Hmm, is this necessary for the story? Having not read the previous chapter, I don't immediately know what kind of story this is, but describing the family as dysfunctional doesn't really seem to serve any purpose but a quick excuse to introduce the characters.

Jaidon is the most mischievous person you’ll ever meet. He’s a guy with one thousand pick up lines and not one has ever worked in his favour. Maybe it’s because he looks twelve instead of sixteen years old. Curly blonde hair and chubby baby cheeks can do that to you. His father, Wallace, is the exact opposite. He is known all over Gallagher for being serious and never late on the job. And his Mother, don’t even get me started.

When I read "is the exact opposite", I imagined straight black hair and anorexic. I know this isn't what you intended, but ending the description of Jaidon with his looks, I immediately imagine the opposite of his looks, not his personality, as you no doubt intended. Then with your continuance about the mother - why didn't you describe her too? I think this paragraph would be better off split into separate parts. When each character is introduced, then the character gets their own description line. For example, "Jaidon slunk into the room, his normally mischievous chubby face drawn in a frown. As soon as he noticed me, though, he broke into an adorable smile that made him look twelve instead of sixteen. Before he could taunt or tease me I held up a finger and said, "Oh no, none of your awful pick-up lines. I don't know why you bother, they've never worked in your favour." etc etc

Mum was giggling with Jaidon’s mother, covering their mouths with their napkins.

This confused me immediately. Maybe because I haven't read the previous chapter, but from my experience, my friends parents were never friends with each other, if that makes sense.

Sybil sat behind a vase of flowers, dragging her fork through the peas on her plate. She was still pale from his morning, her eyes growing duller with every flickering minute. I stared at her momentarily; something was definitely wrong with her.

Sybil is a really weird name - not really a name parents would force on a child. Also, repetition.

“So what did you want to tell me?” I whispered, forcing myself to look away.

Jaidon shot me a frantic look to be quiet. Glancing upwards I realised that Wallace had stopped talking on his phone and was staring at us. I grinned at him, quickly hiding my face into my glass of coke.

That seems a bit forced and unrealistic.

“So,” he began clapping his hands together. “Are you alright, Sybil? What happened at church-” Wallace whistled low, his moustache fluttering slightly.

So, I don't exactly know what's going on here. Sybil is the main character's younger sister who is over Jaidon's house with her mother, and only Jaidon's dad is present... Not many families have dinners together, and the setting seems odd to me. With regards to Wallace whistling... I don't quite understand what you were intending to do with that. I didn't know what you meant with it.

“School? Why, it’s g-great!” I smiled curtly, willing the blush away from my cheeks. That’s the problem with me. Once I start blushing, I cannot stop. And let me just tell you; I blush all the time!

Why would she blush? Also, be careful with the internal dialogue. Sometimes it's necessary, and sometimes it just doesn't need to be there.

“That’s great.” Wallace shot Jaidon an angry look. Was he onto us? He was the head of the police department.

Be careful with your characters emotions. If you interrupt someone when they are talking, will your dad shoot you an angry look? Also, what do you mean by "head of the police department"? I notice a lot of people say that on YWS, but don't actually know what they're talking about :P

Wallace suddenly spluttered into his drink sending water spraying over the potato salad.

That seems like an awfully uncontrolled action for a professional cop to perform.

That scratches out seconds.

At first I didn't understand what you meant.

Mum’s cheek sparked momentarily before dying back to their normal rogue colour.

*its

Lifting open the top, he excused himself and abandoned into the foyer.

I think you're missing a few words here :)

Jaidon kicked me in the shin; I grinded my back teeth together trying not to let out a word of pain.

*ground. That also doesn't seem like a thing he had to do.

“Mum, can we go play?” Jaidon asked, getting up from his chair.

These kids are sixteen, not ten.

“I don’t see why not. Sybil, would you like to accompany them?” Jaidon’s mother replied.

And suddenly Jaidon's mother comes out of nowhere. You should probably include her in the previous conversation.

This was the exact reason why Jaidon was one of the richest people in Gallagher. His fancy pansy pants house was probably the best architectural eye sore for miles.

Jaidon's long corridor was the exact reason why he was one of the richest people in Gallagher? Also, "Best architectural eyesore" sounds really weird.

Jaidon slid his finger across his neck rolling his eyes back into his head. I cringed in disgust but giggled anyway.

Just remember the age of your characters. Would sixteen year olds act that way?

“This may sound absolutely insane, but do you remember the tales of the Blue Jay from when we were younger?” I nodded crouching down next to him. “Yeah, we were obsessed.” I didn’t want to mention that at sixteen I was still obsessed.

Wait, have I read your story before?? *goes and checks* I swear I remember something about Blue Jay and Salem witches, but I don't see it in your portfolio... EDIT: Ah, found it in my literary comments.

“Well you’ll never guess what…but he is real. He was the one that killed those people.”

Hmm. From what I remember from what I think was your earlier work, Blue Jay helped hunt witches a long time ago? How could he be alive after all that time?

I blinked at Jaidon as if he had not only grown two heads but three tails, also. He grinned at me, as if expecting to me to stand and do the jig.


Handing them over to me, I stared at the Polaroids. Two black carcasses were tossed messily upon each other. Looking down at the spidery writing underneath, the words; victims, was spelt in blue biro. I felt what food I had in my stomach begin to rise into my throat. Jaidon nodded, a mask of disgust covering his face.
“Who – no, what ever they are, they’re not Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s bodies.”

... I don't understand why he made the connection between some photos and Blue Jay.

Tossing it in front of Jaidon, I stared at the second photo.

?

Black liquid was used as ink across the graffiti damaged wall.

How would Baylee know it was black liquid? Perhaps, "The writing was stark black across the graffiti damaged wall."

“I think its blood.”

“Blood? But it’s black!”

“Weird isn’t it.”

Again, Jaidon is drawing random conclusions from nowhere.

The vase began to wobble nervously, the cold water speckling over the back of my neck.

Can a vase feel nervous?

It couldn’t be; the Blue Jay was a fairy tale that parents made up to scare children from going anywhere unattended by an adult.

You should probably explain what Blue Jay did. Also, if Blue Jay was a murderer, perhaps you should think of a different name, something more scary and doesn't remind the reader of an innocent bird.

Jaidon dropped a large book next to me, the picture of the Blue Jay stood on the left page. Under his foot were carcases of demons that he had slayed slain.

... This is the technology/information age. If Baylee and Jaidon were really obsessed with Blue Jay, they would have been able to find all this information on the internet.

“That’s what I thought.” Jaidon pointed at the pictures with his little finger. “I think they’re demons and the Blue Jay had killed ‘em.”

There was no text to accompany the picture? Also, why would they immediately think the dead bodies were demons? You never describe what Blue Jay looks like, either. How do they recognise him? Does he carry a scythe? Is he like the Tall Man?

“But that means that, your father, is hunting down the Blue Jay-”

So is it "the Blue Jay", or "Blue Jay"? Because Jack the Ripper is Jack the Ripper, not "the Jack the Ripper".

It was also the reason that Jaidon’s family was so dysfunctional. They hardly spent any time together.

This seems to contradict the whole family dinner scene.

I pushed myself as close as I could, not daring to make any other movements not to move anymore.


I felt my breath catch in my throat. “-to long, but some part of me… Yes! I am not stupid, Lee; I know it isn’t the real Blue Jay. An imposter, what are you trying to sound like: my wife? Yes, I am aware of that consequence. Just…get in a hold of with Mr. and Mrs. Maher’s and make sure they never return again.”


Seeing Noticing my staring stare, he motioned with eyes to the gap in the door. Leaning forward, I felt my heart stop. We had forgotten to get the book and it was open to at the Blue Jay picture.

Don't forget to read over your work to check for silly mistakes.

Jaidon’s hands clamped urgently around my forearm, his nails digging into my skin. I searched his eyes for a plan, though all I could see was fear. I began to push against the wall, as the sound of Wallace’s footsteps lead towards the cupboard. He was singing! Humming actually, though singing and humming; they both did the same thing.

Exceptional writing.

Grounding across down my nerves, it almost sent me into tears. Almost.

Until here :P

“Wallace!” Jaidon’s mother’s voice yelped up the stairs. Wallace froze like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Someone is here to see you! From your department.”

Yelping isn't something someone does voluntarily.


Characters
You actually have created substantial characters within this chapter though Wallace, Jaidon and Baylee. The other characters fell flat and appeared one dimensional and are easily forgettable. Jaidon's mother has a grand total of two lines.

Plot
I like the idea of the murders and Jaidon and Baylee becoming investigators, just remember they are only sixteen. They won't have access to things that a person two years older would. Someone at the age of 18 can drive, smoke, drink (depending on where you are in the world), and generally are considered adults but are still teenagers. I just hope you can continue to write consistently and realistically about what two sixteen year olds would be able to do in real life.

So, overall I liked this chapter. Lots of suspense towards the end, I only hope that you have a reasonable explanation for the whole supernatural aspect to this plot. I really believe you could write this story as a modern child detective story and omit all the demon and witch stuff. But then again, if you've written a fair bit already, I guess it's a tad detrimental for me to suggest that. I enjoyed reading this, so thank you for requesting a review. If I'm not mistaken, and I have reviewed your previous prologue to this, all I can say is that you've improved your writing style immensely, so well done in that regard.

Please don't hesitate to reply to this thread with any comments or queries regarding my review :)

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





User avatar
770 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 30301
Reviews: 770
Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:12 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Apple!

Tanya here, for a review!

Well, Jai was quite thorough with her review, so I won't go there. I'll just mention my overall thoughts.

The thing that bothered me the most, I think, is your MC (main character). I don't find that she has a personality. I find her to be quite 2D. What you have to keep in mind is that when you write in first person, you plug your reader directly into your MC's mind. Which means that anything she feels, thinks, wants, needs, touches or smells, we get to feel and smell, etc...
And this isn't happening here. Baylee is going through the motions, simply reacting to events, not acting within them. Now Jaidon is real. He's 3D. He takes action, has thoughts and ideas. He mischievous and cute and funny.

What's Baylee? Her sister faints, completely blacks out after making a prophecy and this doesn't phase Baylee at all? I get that if she's a 'faker' then Baylee may not believe, (I mean, how many times can a person cry wolf?) but even here in this chapter, Baylee notices her sister isn't doing well, and it's simply a fleeting thought. I could almost 'see' her shrug at her sister's illness. What does that mean about your MC? That she's uncaring? Unfeeling? That she can't be bothered with other peoples' problems?
Or that perhaps you haven't gotten her down pat, yet?

Perhaps if you worked on Baylee's five senses, it would help us out a little. I mean, right now, at the minute, I'm sitting at my laptop. I can hear the whirl of the cooling fan underneath it. The keyboard is warm beneath my fingertips. I can still taste the coffee I just drank on my tongue. I can still smell it. My butt is numb from staying seated for so long. All these details are what help us get centered into this world you've created. To be walking and talking with Baylee and Jaidon. To be hidden in the cupboard and smell the stink of Jai's fear.

Another thing is inconsistincies' in your characters. Wallace is so very sharp during supper but doesn't hear the slamming of his office door? And her mother, is a shrew since her father's death, her daughter had a psychotic episode at the church, but she's at the supper table giggling like a school girl? You really need to think your scenes through. Are the characters acting in character? If I'm a shy person, I won't suddenly run into a room dancing and singing. Same goes for your characters.

Also. Showing, not telling. Jai asked you at the beginning if it's necessary to know all this of Jaidon's family. I agree. But if you must give us this information, couldn't you show it to us? Show us his family interacting; the stern father, crazy mother, mischievous son, and so on? Wouldn't that make a better scene? It might advance the action, without bogging us down with details.

Now, all that being said, please know that this is meant as constructive critism. I like this. You've created a good world with intrigue and interesting characters who simply need a little more help to reach their full potential. I would like to learn more about all of this, learn more about where this is going, so I'm going to join your page.

Hope this helped,
Tanya :D
  








It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27