Young Writers Society

Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head.

I know what I want to write,
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time,
so why won't the pen move?

I know I've wanted to tell you
how much you've hurt me,
how lying to me and cheating on me
made me feel so worthless.

I wanted to let you know how it feels
to think your truly valueless.
How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you.

I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in.

I want you to see the broken remains,
of what you left behind for me to clean up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore.

I want you to hear
the exhausted sobs
I suffer through every night,
because I know you're not there,
and I know you're never coming back.

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago.

I want you to understand
that you were like all of the others,
the people I dated in my past,
except you were possibly worse.

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me.

How it feels like you're taking
part of my soul with you
when you walk away from me,
tearing me to shreds in the process.

I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you.

I want you to know
how much I want to move on,
and how I want the pieces of my life
to come back together.

I want you to know that being friends
just isn't enough anymore
and how it hurts me so much more
this way.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will.

And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me too.

Flower~Child wrote:Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head.
I have felt this way very often
I know what I wan't Watch out for those type o's! This should be wantto write,
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time,
so why won't the pen move?

I know I've wanted to tell you
how much you've hurt me,
how lying to me and cheating on me
made me feel so worthless.

I wanted to let you know how it feels
to think your truly valulessType o. This line should read "to think you're truly valueless".
How it takes away a piece of the puzzleHow what? Lying? Cheating? Both of them?
that creates you.

I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in.

I want you to see the broken remains,
I feel like there should be an of herewhat you left behind for me to clean up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore.

I want you to hear
the exhausted sobs
I suffer through every night,
because I know youryou're] not there,
and I know youyou'rer never coming back.

I want you to feel the emptynessemptiness,
the numbI think this should be numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago.

I want you to understand
that you were like all of the others,
the people I dated in my past,
except you were possibly worseHow?.

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me.

How it feels like yourYou're taking
part of my soul with you
when you walk away from me,
tearing me to shreadsshreds in the process.

I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you.I like the parallelism in this stanza

I want you to know
how much I want to move on,
and how I wan'twant the pieces of my life
to come back together.

I want you to know that being friends
just isn't enough anymore
and how it hurts me so much more
this way.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will.

And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me totoo.

This is really sad. The reference to cutting is a bit disturbing and makes me want to find you and wrap you up in an ocean of love, but you're too far away. So here is a picture about a person who cannot physically hug someone either. This flows well and aside from the minor spelling problems, you have a great poem.

Heya, Flower

I'm going to warn you in advance that this review may be short and a little pointless too... As you know, poetry isn't my strong point when it comes to critiques, so that doesn't help much either. Plus, your grammar is really great in this so there's not much point in including nit-picks.

What I liked the best in this are some of the metaphors you've created. One thing that you seem to be very good at, Flower, is being able to write poems with an incredibly smooth and easy flow. The rhythm in this is lovely and it's nice and comfortable to read as a whole. I also really love the way you word things because you do so very cleverly and it works well most of the time.

The only critique I really have for you is actually something I seem to notice often in your poems, which is repetition. By repetition, I mean that every stanza is kind of describing and is about the same thing. Don't get me wrong, the content of what you've got is written well, but it feels as though you're telling us the same thing over and over. Give us some history. I'm guessing this is about love and hate, right? Judging by what you've written, the guy has cheated on the girl. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what it's about. For example, I'd like for you to tell us how the girl in the poem found out. Did the guy come up with excuses? What lies did he tell her? How did he/she leave him/her? How long has it been since the guy hurt the girl? Do you see what I'm getting at.

I feel a bit silly because other than that, I can't really think of anything else to critique you about... I need to learn more about poetry and poetry techniques! Sorry for the epic suckishness of this review. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have and will suggest. Once you've given this a bit of a polish and edited it up a bit, I can see this poem being really great. You are very good at writing poetry, Flower, and with a bit more practice, you'll be even better!

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Flower~Child wrote:Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head. If they're stuck in your head, then you don't need to ask why words won't come. You just said they're stuck in your head. It's a little contradictory.

I know what I want to write, You've repeated what is said above here. You don't even need the above stanza.
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time, This is something that I do like, because this suggests that it's important enough to have a lasting effect on you but the effects of this line are ruined because you've already came out with what this poem is about. Maybe if you never directly say it and just give clues to what it is this could be more fun to figure out.
so why won't the pen move? This is almost like an overflow of consciousness. It's rather direct and like this is the effects of what happened. But it's not what happened. You should try to mention why this matters so much, is it demons eating your thoughts or something. We just need something that we can follow and see how this happens, to get a better / more relatable idea.

I know I've wanted to tell you I like the you know and I don't at the same time. It can be taken as you're just not sure of what's what, or it can be taken as someone/thing telling you otherwise and you're saying I know what I want. Not knowing what's what kinda does fit into this, but it's not exactly touched on in the rest of this stanza. (Or poem, I'll have to read on) But what I am saying is that the language has to match what is happening. If you're using confident action, you're not going to have someone be all wishy washy, it just doesn't fit.
how much you've hurt me, Alright, this is what I was tallking about; some sort of explaination to what happened.
how lying to me and cheating on me
made me feel so worthless.

I wanted to let you know how it feels
to think your truly valueless. You already said this.
How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you. I like this, this better shows how this works. A puzzle piece is important and an incomplete puzzle is worthless, right? I would like to see more of this.

I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in. If you trust them, then it's safe to assume you let them in annnddd you've already said this entire stanza in what is above. What they did to your heart, betrayed you, how? Lying cheating. And with how much this has effected you, we can see that you trusted them / cared about their thoughts and things.

I want you to see the broken remains,
of what you left behind for me to clean up. you don't need the comma, it splits up these lines and one is ment to describe the other, so you shouldn't split them up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore. Wow, this is a good idea that you pretty much wasted. This kinda implies what is said above. Saying you can't take it and things of that sort. What I'd like to see is the flow of ideas that connect to eachother and move your poem foward. And so far, there isn't much of this.

I want you to hear
the exhausted sobs
I suffer through every night, You should say that I suffered, you don't really need to, I just like to see it.
because I know you're not there,
and I know you're never coming back. If you're going to say they're never coming back, get rid of the line above, we can tell they're not there because you said they're never coming back.

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago. Alright, this isn't really moving anywhere. It's all about I want you to feel the pain I am feeling. And you mention that pain but you do not move from that subject. So far, you can pretty much just take the first one or two lines of each stanza and then just make that into one stanza. Like, what does that blade have to do with anything besides this event making you so depressed that you cut yourself. But we can already see you're very up set over this with what you've said previously.

Poetry can be like an essay, you have your topic, your ideas but not the best supporting details. Because what you're doing here, mostly, is that it's like you're taking your supporting details for one paragraph and then splitting them into their own paragraphs. And then you're describing them a bit. Would you do this in an essay? Nope, you'd move on to your next idea.

I want you to understand
that you were like all of the others,
the people I dated in my past,
except you were possibly worse. If you're going to say that this person is possibly worse, that's a comparative word meaning this person is like people from the past. So you don't need the lines repeating this idea. And this can be used as your next idea even. How were they worse, what did they do and then you can run though what happened. But if you were to do that, it'd also be better to incorperate the emotions of what you've already said to these actions. like brokenness / worthlessness to that puzzle idea and you can say how they messed up that puzzle, like getting angry and throwing the pieces everywhere. Poetry can be like a machine, it has a powerscource(emotion and actions / chain of thought), the gears and mechanisms(similes, metaphors and all those good things) that make it work and then the job it preforms(over all message). And this all needs to work togeather for this machine to work properly.

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me.

How it feels like you're taking
part of my soul with you You've said this all already. Including the stanza above. You need to move from this.
when you walk away from me,
tearing me to shreds in the process.

I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you The repetition of missing them doesn't work so well. It's because it's done throughout this entire poem and that stripes it of it's power. Although, the come back to your original idea is nice, it let's us think about how these words might have changed from what we originally thought they'd be.
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you.

I want you to know
how much I want to move on,
and how I want the pieces of my life
to come back together. If you've spent this entire time describing how hurt you are and how much it sucks, we can tell that you want your life to come back togeather, so you don't need this stanza.

I want you to know that being friends
just isn't enough anymore
and how it hurts me so much more
this way. Again, this is repeated, if you miss being with this person then ofcourse it hurts to just be friends and what not.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will. IF you miss them, then you still have feelings for them, thus you don't need this stanza either. And you can just mention the agony everyday in some other stanza if you want to.

And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me too. Alright, semi-powerful ending. Again, all the repition has taken the power away from this.

Over all:
Your poem doesn't really move, it sticks on one idea and repeats it over and over. You don't need to do this.

Some ways of removing the clutter is to ask, does one of these stanzas cover what another stanza is talking about. Like the stanzas that mention how broken you are and how empty you are. It's pretty much the samething, right?
So watch out for repeating yourself in different ways, this is good practice for being more original but that's about it.

In the beginning you sound like you're writing a letter or something like that. Since you don't really stick with this idea throughout the poem, it's kinda out of place. It sounds like you're writing about writer's block there but then it goes into how you are hurt. You should make it connect more with what you're trying to say.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

Hey, Flower! Jash here as requested. First, I really don't have any nitpicks for this. The reviewers above probably did that for you. I'll just be giving you my overall opinion of your poem. Ok, sadly, I liked your previous poem more. This was a bit tedious and repetitive that I almost became inattentive while reading. I was so tempted to skip some stanzas that just didn't get my attention.

This is a good line:

How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you.

But this was plain amusing:

Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore.

So, unfortunately, you'll have to spice this up more. There were times you were being too blunt--too straightforward. The first stanzas said it, you wanted to tell the guy the things you--duh--wanted to tell. I wish you didn't have to make the poem so long. Or at least, had added more imagery.

But anyway, you did a good job on grammatical matters. =)) Just try to throw in more imagery, and this could be a very good piece. Sorry if I sounded harsh on this one. I just couldn't help comparing the previous one I read, which I really liked. Sorry also if I weren't much of a help. Keep writing though!


~ Jash ♥

hey! pointe here as requested!

Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head.
this seems to not fit with the rest of the part its about you can't get words to come right? it doesn't fit


I know what I want to write,
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time,
so why won't the pen move?

I know I've wanted to tell you
how much you've hurt me,
how lying to me and cheating on me
made me feel so worthless.

I wanted to let you know how it feels
to think your truly valueless.
How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you.
this seems to repeating the last line in the last stanza


I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in.

I want you to see the broken remains,
of what you left behind for me to clean up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore.

I want you to hear
the exhausted sobs
I suffer through every night,
because I know you're not there,
and I know you're never coming back.

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago.

I want you to understand
that you were like all of the others,
the people I dated in my past,
except you were possibly worse.

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me.

How it feels like you're taking
part of my soul with you
when you walk away from me,
tearing me to shreds in the process.

I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you.

I want you to know
how much I want to move on,
and how I want the pieces of my life
to come back together.

I want you to know that being friends
just isn't enough anymore
and how it hurts me so much more
this way.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will.

And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me too.

overall this is awesome!

Hi, Flower. Here as requested.

You've managed to get a lot of emotion into this poem, which is great. There is life in it, which does make it an interesting read and not flat or dull. However, sometimes I feel like you dull down the emotion by sticking to it and not moving on. (I think Ed went over this a lot in his review, so I'll be brief.) Basically, when you're spending such a great percentage of your poem only talking about how it's made you feel, the effect overall is lessened - although repetition is useful, you've overused it here and by the end of the poem none of the lines you're coming up with are particularly new or exciting. My advice to you on this front would be to take several different elements of the narrators emotions and previous relationship, then devote one or two stanzas to each of these elements. For example: one stanza about how much she misses him (really, you only need one, at most two); one stanza about her anger towards him, as there's usually anger; one about the love she still has ... etc. You get the picture. If you combine this with some memories from their relationship, then I think the emotion will be a lot stronger here.

Also, some of the metaphors you come up with are good, but I wish you could extend your imagery further than single lines. For example, the idea of a jigsaw is a good one, and would do well if you incorporated it into different elements of the poem so that they tied together a little more with a running metaphor. Along the same lines, I do think that you should talk more about the lack of being able to write down the words - this doesn't mean create another stanza for it, though! Rather, you should try and link back to the main title of your poem throughout to ensure some type of continuity, as once it gets to the end you still want people to remember what it's all about.

I hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want another review.

-Amy

Sorry about the late review, I kept reading it through then going to write the next chapter of my novel before I reviewed. Anyway, I'm here now.

Flower~Child wrote:Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head.

I know what I want to write,
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time,
so why won't the pen move?

I know I've wanted to tell you
how much you've hurt me,
how lying to me and cheating on me
made me feel so worthless.

I wanted to let you know how it feels
to think your truly valueless. I know you used 'valueless so that you wouldn't have to repeat 'worthless, but it sounds odd.
How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you. Beautiful sentence here, it lets the reader share the pain

I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in.

I want you to see the broken remains,
of what you left behind for me to clean up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore. These two lines sound slightly strange, they don't flow with the rest of the poem

I want you to hear
the exhausteding sobs
I suffer through perhaps you should different words hereevery night,
because I know you're not there,
and I know you're never coming back.

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago.

I want you to understand
that you were like all of the others,
the people I dated in my past,
except you were possibly worse.

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me.

How it feels like you're taking
part of my soul with you
when you walk away from me,
tearing me to shreds in the process.

I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you.

I want you to know
how much I want to move on,
and how I want the pieces of my life
to come back together.

I want you to know that being friends
just isn't enough anymore
and how it hurts me so much more
this way.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will.

And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me too.

All in all, this is very good. Like your other poems, it has a lot of emotion and isn't flat at all. The strongest emotion is depression, but there is also a strong theme of acceptance. The narrator is slowly getting over the pain, they know that this is the way things are now. Of course, we are all human, and as seen in the last stanza they still hope for what they know they can't have. This is a great poem, well done and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

Hello, my sweet. Being one of the few here who knows the backstory for this poem, methinks I understand it a little better. You portray the emotions very well: hurt, betrayal, loss, sadness, anger. . . . And there's that sense of powerlessness and frustration that comes from feeling all these things yet being unable to express them. This being described in the title and the first two stanzas, it would seem that the theme would permeate the entire poem. However, in the third verse, the poem becomes less about wishing you could write about what happened and more about how you wish he could experience all the pain he's put you through. While this is a very legitimate subject for a poem, it would've been more consistent to carry the initial idea all the way to the end; otherwise maybe you could give it a different name, as the current one really only describes the first two stanzas. If you didn't want to change that part, however, maybe you could begin the following verses with "I wish" instead of "I want," for the sake of parallelism.
Wow, did I really just write all that highminded gibberish?
Haha. Anyway, I did like the poem a lot, especially this verse:

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago

I know how that feels, unfortunately. Just keep swimming, dear, and you'll make it through all this. I love ya.

~Warrior Princess

Hello, I'm really sorry I didn't get this done until now...

So, mainly the only think I find really wrong with this is that it really needs more imagry or methepors, or similies, and so forth. I think that adding some color to this will be great!

Also, you really need to have a set structure for this, you have a almost set one but not quite. I suggest that you make all your stanzas have four lines in them. It will make it a lot eaiser to read.

Here are my nit picks:

Red: What needs to be chaged to be grammerly correct.
Blue: My own opinion on things, what I think you should change.
Pink/Purple: What I really like.
Green: Other comments.

Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
and yet they are still stuck inside my head.

This needs to be four stanzas, but splitting the last line into two will jsut make it sound akward, so I suggest you reword it abit to were you can... Like this:

Why won't the words come?
I know how I feel,
but still word are always stuck
inside my ________<<some discribsion head.

I know what I want to write,<< I suggest that you cut out the lines after after this line, and make the three lines that follow it and similie or metaphor about how the pen wont move even though you know what you want to write...
what I've wanted to let out
this entire time,
so why won't the pen move?

I know I've wanted to tell you I would cut this out, so you don't over uses "I know I've"
how much you've hurt me,
how lying to me and cheating on me << I think you can remove both of these, to help with flow, and I think it would sound better. Deffinately delete the first part.
made me feel so worthless.

After this I would add a stanza talking about how that worthlessness felt, like you felt like a peace of trash simplely thrown out of a car window while the driver speeds away going 20 over the speed limet... See, it is really easy to make sothing so simple into someing poetic...

I wanted to let you know how it feels << I think you should take this out
to think your truly valueless.
How it takes away a piece of the puzzle
that creates you.So, here, you need to make this longer, osomething like, "That makes up who you are." It needs to be longer to help the flow.

I wanted you to know
what you did to my heart,
after I finally trusted you
and let you in. << I think you should also make this longer, something like, "after I finally let you in" it sound good without the and in the way I just did, consider that.

I want you to see the broken remains,
of what you left behind for me to clean up.
Something that no piece of tape
can hold together anymore.


Ok, so, this is good, but when I read this, I jsut came up with this:

I want you to see the broken remains,
the shattered glass you left me with.
Nothing can repeace my glass heart
you couldn't resist braking.

I just wanted to show you that.

I want you to hear the exhausted sobs Combine these two lines.
I suffer through every night,
because I know you're not there,
and I know you're never coming back

I want you to feel the emptiness,
the numbness that comes
after I try to release the pain
with a blade I used, oh so many years ago.

This is a subject that really should be written out, not jsut meraly mensioned...

I want you to know how it feels
when you just walk away
without sharing that special embrace
with me. << MAke this longer and your good.

I want you to know that
I deal with this agony every day
because I love you, and I always will.
<< Make both these stanzas one line longer.
And I will always hope
that one day
you will love me too.

Ok, so, the ending kind off throw me off, I was thinging you were going to tell the person to get loss, but, whatever.

Overall, I think this is a ggod poem it really good potensal. I can see the emotion and feeling behind this. Just keep up the work and this can be great!

Sorry it took so long...
And sorry for the rotten spelling...

Hope this helps,
(Hope I wasn't to harsh)

~Rain~

Hey Flower,
All your other reviewers have nitpicked for me i don't feel its necessary to repeat what they have already pointed out.

So I'll just jump right to the good stuff
As i read your poem i can really feel the sense of heartbreak and disappointment. I'm sure im not the only person who loves to feel and relate to the emotions of a poem as the read them.
I love the repetition you have used throughout the poem and how you have written this poem as if your writing it to the heart breaker.

"I wish the words would come to me,
and I could tell you how much I love you
and how I miss you.
How much I will always miss you."

This is probably my favorite verse of the poem, although the majority of the poem is about all of the terrible things this person has done, you still put emphasis on the fact that you do still love them.

Over all a very unique and well written poem, well done.

p.s
(sorry i found it hard to find unique things to review about since your reviewers have covered topics so well )