Young Writers Society

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Hey carboncore. I'm Bad Narrator and I'll be reviewing your story. I'm using strikeout for parts I suggest you omit, [brackets] for things to add, blue for stuff to change, red for the stuff that confused me, and also <whatever these things are called> for in text comments.

carbonCore wrote:To my Loyal but Unwelcome Guest

The mid-day sun stood high in the sky, filling [filled] the desert with a shallow yellow colour. The winds, seemingly ever blowing in one direction, still somehow managed to birth the juvenile dust devils wandering the road before me. Of course, they could only wander for so long until they, like most other travelers on this road, invariably fell into the ancient river Thån.

You used pretty good description in the intro but the first line is pretty confusing. There is a noticeable change in voice between the very first sentence and the paragraph after it which makes it hard to get into the story. Your opening sentence sounds like the narrator is talking to someone but it doesn't fit well with the description of the landscape. Consider omitting the first sentence and telling the story without the frame, I don't think this story needs it.

I triedas hard as I could not to look to my left, where the great cousins of the dust devils stirred, replacing what was many years ago a ribbon of sparkling water with a howling wall of yellow sands. Such a whirling chaos would sometimes swing to and fro, flogging at me with a whip of sand - from this none could escape, and the only option was to look the other way, praying to the sands to spare the eyes. Yes, most fell in, but not I - I treaded clear of its edge, quietly enduring its blows, but never yielding.

Something told me, without any proof or certainty, that this would be the most difficult part of my journey. Never in my travels had I passed such hostile environment. The other paths, compared to this <this sentence is grammatically correct, but the way you structured it seems awkward. Try moving the highlighted part to the end of the sentence>, were like one long holiday. The times when I slashed my way through the lush living forests of Née, where behind every tree there clung an interesting beast to a liana vine; the times when I relaxed in a little gondola, being carried by the Sophis stream and marveling at the white mountains to either side; even the times (to come) that I've only been told about, when I shall walk the streets of the beautiful Heda, bright even at night with lights of a thousand colours - none of these ever saw me clinging to my existence as I had done now.

At last, through the dust, I saw the uncertain <I omitted the word uncertain because it was what we call a "pathetic fallacy" in this context> outline of a tent stationed right next to where Thån abruptly swallowed the road with a great chasm, with a shabby rope bridge extending into the dust beyond. As I came closer, I became aware of a man making his shelter inside this tent. Great of a sin as pausing my journey may have been, I convinced myself to enter, as I knew I would not have a chance to rest again. Just before going inside, I thought I saw with the corner of my eye a vast, jagged shadow raving in the river behind the tent, and perhaps heard a strange change in the howling of Thån.

You're relying a lot on adjectives and adverbs in your description which can lead to a problem of showing vs telling. It's a difficult concept for some writers to grasp but you need to use concrete images if you want to show your reader what's going on. One exercise that can help this is going through the story, marking out every adjective and adverb and then replacing them with solid descriptions.

"So you are here," the man said. He was quite narrow and had wrinkles everywhere on his skin ], yet did not look old.[i ]<This is what I'm talking about when I say show don't tell. Describe the patterns of the wrinkles on his face>[/i "Welcome to the Crossroads, traveler. I am the Guide. Since you stand here, in my tent, I will assume you don't know which way to go."

"I came here to rest from the desert," I said. "Are there ways other than the bridge?"

"Come outside," the Guide said, and left. I followed him. "You know of the bridge there, in front of my home. You don't know of the path away from the river, to the right, but it is of no importance to you - it is too steep, and is impassable for that reason. But there is a third path - the whole reason behind my existence is to show you that path."

The dialogue seems artificial. You can fix this problem by using indirect dialogue, or summary dialogue instead of direct quotes. You only want to use direct quotes with the most important statements a character makes.

The way you have your dialogue set up right now makes it seem like the old man doesn't serve any function except to give the reader information. This is a problem because you spent the time describing him in detail. Readers rely on the amount of description an author uses on each character to determine who is important and who isn't. If the guide isn't important then he should only have a few sentences devoted to him. ie "I met an old man, he told me how to get around the river.

He walked to the very edge of Thån, facing it - this I could not do - and spread his arms out,as if offering himselfto the raging chaos.

"The winds you see there are caused by a demon, of which you are no doubt aware," he spoke into the wind, yet I understood his words to be directed to me. "Why do you fear the sand? Come - look deep. See what is inside."

Against my better judgment, I turned around, now also looking down into the cliff-ridden bedrock of the once great river. The shadow returned, and though I could see its chaotic movements better, I still did not understand its purpose.

"The demon means no harm," the Guide continued. "It raves because that's what it's meant to do. It does not plan doom for you - it is incapable of thought. Look at it - look close, look deep. No, do not shield your eyes like so, you will never see it! Open them, and look!"

Though I was close to dismissing him as a madman, the Guide's wordsfinally showed some truth. Almost by reflex did my eyes widen[ed] as the demon's shape turned familiar to me - no, not a memory from long ago, but rather a feeling, a state that I had once experienced - the otherworldly outlines of the demon now made sense to me, and I saw what it truly was. <You need to describe the outlines of the demon. Simply telling us they're "otherworldly" does nothing for us.>

"Now you see it," the Guide said. He did not need to say what he said next, as I understood everything a moment prior. "The demon's name is Innocence."

I stood on the precipice of the river Thån, mesmerized by the demon. Why was it a demon? How could something so alluring, so peaceful, so satisfied be called a demon? <How? How is it peaceful, alluring and satisfying?>

We still have no idea what this demon looks like. Right now I'm picturing the demon as Falkor from the Never Ending Story:


Probably not what you were going for.

"You see it," the Guide repeated. "You see what everyone sees at the end of their travels. What do you think the third road is for? Everybody returns to Innocence, as all paths lead to that slide downhill, right towards the demon. But while they only suffer the harshness of the desert at the very end, you suffered it for a long time, though you could have been walking the icy plains of Evae, or the autumn hillocks of Phily. So here it is: the reward for your endurance. Go forth, take a step. That is all you need - just one step."

I get the feeling that as readers we're supposed to get the sense that this narrator has been traveling for a long time trying to get to this point. But we don't really see that because we don't have any background information on this character. I'm not even sure if this narrator is a man or a woman.

I did nothing for a long time, staring at the demon still. A part of me wanted to scream at the guide: the demon, after all, would certainly tear me apart, even if it meant no harm; but another part crawled towards it, it wanted just that - the eternal rest that the demon offered.

Some more background info would do wonders to help us understand why he's suicidal all of a sudden.

"No," I said slowly., "There is too much road for me to cover. The desert - it ends just beyond that rope bridge, doesn't it?"

"Why would you want to go that way?" the Guide said. "The bridge is scary and difficult to cross." <Is this guide an old man or a four year old?>

"No," I said again. "Everybody returns here eventually, just as you said. There is too much ground for me to cover before I look at the demon again. I am going to the bridge. Goodbye."

The Guide stood still, his expression unchanging. As I set foot onto the bridge, I turned around once more - turned around over my right shoulder, as to not look at the awful river Thån - and saw a particularly strong gale of sand-laced wind sweep over the Guide. His skin and flesh wore off, almost as if the entire man was made of sand. Just before he vanishedfrom existence, I thought I saw - with the same uncertainty as I saw the tent at first, and the great shadow in the river - his dry lips turn into a smile.

This narrative doesn't really function as a story so much as it does a vignette or a chapter. There is tension present, but there's no conflict. In order for a story to be compelling the reader must have a clear understanding about what's at stake. We have no idea why this narrator is going on this journey, we have no idea why he (or she?) would even consider committing suicide by way of getting mauled to death by Falkor...I mean by a demon. We don't even know why this narrator is telling us this story.

Remember, tension is what makes a story interesting, but the conflict is what reveals tension, as well as everything else. Conflict is the driving force in every story. It is what reveals character, scene, setting and tension. The conflict must be present from the first sentence to the final punctuation point, even if it's not obvious or overt.

When you revise I suggest you ask yourself a few questions about this story to help get it moving in the right direction:

-What is this story about?

-Who are my most important characters?

-What do my characters want?

-Why do my characters want these things?

-What must my characters do to get what they want?

-What do my characters stand to lose if they don't get what they want?

I hope this review has been helpful to you. Leave a comment on my profile or a pm if you have any questions. And keep writing.

Hey Carbon!

Don't worry about the request thing, you're free to send me as many as you like. With all honesty, I was looking for something to review but I couldn't find anything worth reviewing so I literally smiled when I saw your request. Also, I'm glad you trust my opinion. Although, that adds another ounce of nervousness to my review. u_u
Nonetheless, I'll do my best.

Comments/suggestions

The mid-day sun stood high in the sky, filling the desert with a shallow yellow colour. The winds, seemingly ever blowing in one direction, still somehow managed to birth the juvenile dust devils wandering the road before me. Of course, they could only wander for so long until they, like most other travelers on this road, invariably fell into the ancient river Thån.

First of all, this is a nice beginner. Usually, I'm not a big fan of slow openers or ones that describe a scenery, but this one is caught my attention.

I tried as hard as I could not to look to my left, where the great cousins of the dust devils stirred, replacing what was many years ago a ribbon of sparkling water with a howling wall of yellow sands.

I think this sentence could have been cut down a little. Sometimes short sentences are better, try not to cram too much information into a sentence. It can be hard to obtain all that information if you keep rambling. Not saying that you were rambling or anything, just trying to get a point across, I suppose. On occasions it can be an overkill of description, if you know what I mean. Overuse of adjectives, adverbs and such can make a reader feel bored. Although, this isn't that bad. To change or not to change, is in fact, your decision in the end.
On the side note, was it you who told me you liked long sentences? I can't remember but I do recall someone saying this to me...

He was quite narrow and had wrinkles everywhere on his skin, yet did not look old.

I have a hard time picturing an old man with many wrinkles looking, well, not old. Maybe younger? Ack, don't know.

But there is a third path - the whole reason behind my existence is to show you that path."

What is so special about this protagonist that this man's existence is to show him that path? Right now I don't know much about your character at all. This is a short story, an almost vague and misty one, with no real connection to the reader. It is interesting to read and try to figure these little puzzles you've got in here but try to make sure everything makes sense. Or at least give us some background knowledge as to where this protagonist of yours is heading.

I'd dig deeper but it seems that Bren has pretty much covered a lot of this. Oh penguins, and I wanted to do a massive review! D:



As we reach the end of this story, I must say, I'm satisfied with it. I was able to stay interested in this till the end, good job. Also, there are a few questions that I have to ask about this. Maybe, I'm not smart enough to put the puzzle pieces together, but I'm trying to figure out why this old man turned into dust at the end. I'm sure there a deeper connection between your pieces here but I'm having a hard time putting it together. The demon was innocent? I understood the bit of it only being a wreckage because he must, something uncontrollable. But I was having a difficult time trying to figure out the ending and what the whole point of the story was, actually.

My suggestion would be to keep it cleaner. Make your voices stronger and try not to beat around the bush. Actually, there is something I'd like to say about this piece and your previous piece. Your imagery and description here was vague, same as the description and imagery in your previous piece and this is where you need to divide the two writing styles. It seems like you got more 'play with imagination' in here than you did with the Ashes short story. But if you plan on getting a point across, an idea or a lesson that your character learns, I would advise making this easier to read and cut out unnecessary words and dialogues and drive on to the main plot. Spend your time there to develop your story so it comes out clean. Just because the sentences and ideas are somewhat simpler doesn't mean the lesson of the story will be too.

But, casting those thoughts aside for a minute. I do like this idea and the possibility of it becoming something quite grand. That is, if I could only understand it. I feel like you're trying to tell me something, a secret to the world, a treasure behind your words but I can't put my finger on it. What does this all mean? What does the demon want? Who is this old man and when your protagonist says there is too much ground to cover, does that mean there is still much more things to accomplish, more experiences in life that he must go through before he crosses paths with this demon. Is the demon death? Argh, pardon me but I'm still trying to crack this nut...Ahaha.
Anyway, if you have time, I'd love to hear your thoughts behind this piece and discuss it further. Shoot me a PM whenever or never. =D
Keep writing,

-Shear

Hey there! It seems like you've been given pretty good reviews, and I hope I don't just reiterate what they've already said. But hopefully it will reinforce their ideas and mine if they are said multiple times. Anyways, here's the review.

So, this story is interesting. I imagined the demon is one of the heartless from Kingdom Hearts. I wish you had painted a clearer image, but maybe it's best all your readers see the demon as a different thing? I don't know.

I think the beginning of your story is a bit useless. It seems to just make the story longer and more confusing than it it. You talk about all of these things, like the empty river and the cousins of the dust balls and all of that, but it really means nothing when you compare it to the actual plot of the story. You know what I would like to see instead of those random ramblings?

Why is your main character walking to this place that they seem to know nothing about?

Why does this guide think it his destiny to guide your main character across the river? And why doesn't the guide persist that your MC goes in the direction he sees fit? Wouldn't that be what a person who was born to do a certain thing want to happen? For the person whom they are supposed to do a certain thing for to actually do that certain thing?

And finally, what is the purpose of this. I don't see any lesson, or any real conclusion.

What I liked about this was its imagery and its fantasy-like feeling. I felt as if I was reading an actual fantasy book, which is good. Your voice as a writer is perfect for fantasy stories. However, I cannot like this story because it has no real plot, but is just a bunch of fantasy like things strewn into one story -- one blurb. If you go back and think about what your plot is: Beginning, climax, end, then you will realize that it really doesn't have any of the elements, especially the climax.

I suppose you could see the climax as when your MC decides to cross the bridge. However, since the revelation doesn't answer any internal question that we or the MC have about what type of person your MC is. All you need to do is figure out your plot and everything will fall into place. If you just add plot into what you already have, then you should be good. A summary of things to focus on:

- Where does your character come from?
- What is this quest your MC is on?
- What gender is your MC?
- Significance of the bridge/guide/demons
- Revelation/Climax/epiphany

Keep writing,

Classy