Young Writers Society

As you can tell from the title I wrote this on February 23...

Tranquil days,
lazy days,
under the sun
that kisses the Earth.

It’s not hot,
nor is it cold.
Not one or the other;
but in between.

Oh, so sweet
is the sound of the breeze
playing in the trees
and dancing in your hair.

Soft little clouds
idly drifting over
the meadows of velvet flowers
taking bloom on this fine day.

Laughing children
lets go play
in the sun
and enjoy this day.

I really like the imagery here. Very beautiful. I really don't have anything to say.

Hi SilentRain. Hmm, February where I am is cold, snowy, and horrible. o_O But anyway. On with the review.

SilentRain wrote:Tranquil days,
lazy days,
under the sun
that kisses the Earth.

Good. I like the personification here.

SilentRain wrote:It’s not hot,
nor is it cold.
Not one or the other;
but in between.

You're starting to tell and not show. It's not hot, it's not cold. So what? Quite frankly, stating things like that in poetry is just plain boring. Now, we want to abstain from stooping to boringness by adding description. Imagery! Metaphors! Similies! Does this sound familiar? I can do a good job of mimicking an English teacher sometimes.

SilentRain wrote:Oh, so sweet
is the sound of the breeze
playing in the trees
and dancing in your hair.

How does it feel? I mean, I see it, but I'm not there, know what I mean? People say you should have a movie in your head. I don't want to have a movie in my head; no, I want it be in an IMAX theater. I want to be there. I want to feel it and see it and hear it and -- I'll repeat it, because it's that important -- feel it. Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away.

SilentRain wrote:Soft little clouds
idly drifting over
the meadows of velvet flowers
taking bloom on this fine day.

Velvet flowers. I like that. I mean I really, really like that. Hmm. You see, that's the kind of language you should use throughout the whole poem. It draws such an explicitly beautiful picture in every mind, and yet, in every mind it varies. That's the wonder of literature.

SilentRain wrote:Laughing children
let's go play
in the sun
and enjoy this day.

I like how lighthearted this last part is. It's vary rare that I come across a happy, easy, breezy poem on the magical world of the Young Writers Society. Boy, am I getting carried away! You see what I'm coming at here, don't you? It's okay to get carried away in poetry; that's the point.

Okay. It's time to look at the overall picture. I think it needs expansion. I mean, I'm not telling you to discard what you have; rather, I'm telling you to take that basis and add to it. Talk about the way it looks as you would to a blind person, and describe what you hear as though you were signing or writing to a deaf/mute. I really do hope this helps; I'm looking forward to seeing you around!

- Abigail

The imagery is very good. It's a nice poem, talking bout an average day, eh? good job