Young Writers Society

This is the first thing I've written in a long, long time (a few years, yikes). I'm kinda rusty... You can probably tell. I guess that isn't the thing to be saying if you want reviews. I want to thank everybody in advance for reading/reviewing this. I can't come up with a good title just yet, so that will probably change if I continue this story.

Warning: the beginning might be a bit disturbing for some. Read on at your own risk. If you feel this should be rated 18+, I can happily change it.

Edit: I've made the changes that were suggested, and I changed some other things as well. I'm still iffy about some parts, but hopefully this is better.



I stand by the window, watching the girl get murdered. She pleads and begs for him to stop, but he doesn’t listen, just digs his knife deeper into her skin. There’s no way I can help her, not when I’m dead, just like she probably will be. Maybe she’ll be like me, trapped on earth, wandering alone. Maybe she’ll move on onto another life, something like Heaven. The thought of her moving on sends a shot of anger and jealousy through me.

Her cut up, bloody is unidentifiable now and becomes too much, and I have to turn away. It’s not just the blood I can’t stand; it’s the guilt and the helplessness I feel. I hear her scream, and then her scream is roughly cut off by a wet, cracking sound. Suddenly, I’m panicking inside I have to get out. It reminds me too much of my own dark memories… things I wish I could forget.

I close my eyes and count to ten, trying to breathe deeply. When I open them again, I’m in a field full of wild grass that reaches my stomach. It is pitch black, but that doesn’t bother me anymore, not since I was murdered. The dark is the only thing that surrounds me.

I’m not sure why I came to this meadow, of all places. I’ve never even seen it before. No matter what, it brings floods of memories: of happier ties. They become a blur of somebody laughing, a sweet sound, a gentle touch, a summer kiss, crying.

Far off in the distance, I see a light, something that resembles a star. I’ve seen it before, I know it, but it’s been so long. Before I know it, my legs are moving, and I’m walking forward, towards the light. It seems like the light is very far away, at least a couple hours journey, but the more I walk, the brighter the light gets.

In a couple minutes, the light is only a few yards away. I get a weird feeling, like I shouldn’t be here, the feeling that something bad is going to happen, like in movies. I try to back away, but I find myself being pulled forward by some mysterious force, like a magnet pulling me forward. I feel trapped, like a bird in a cage, and I struggle to get away, only to be gripped tighter and yanked forwards.

I’m enveloped in the light. It turns from the kind of light a lamp light would produce, to a bright fluorescence light, and then fades completely. It happens so fast, I’m left dumbfounded and startled.

The first thing I notice are two people standing not too far away, I’d guess about three or four yards. The second thing I notice is that between us is a circle of white candles. The candles give everything, including the grass, a hearty glow. We are in a dirt circle in middle of the field of grass.

I look up at the two girls. One looks to be about my age, and the other a little younger. The older one has dead straight light brown hair, and the younger one has dark brown hair, almost black that hangs in frizzy curls. They both have full lips and thin, freckled noses, so I automatically assume that they are sisters. The older one stares straight at me and the younger one is looking around nervously, shifting her wait from one foot to the other, like she is unaware that there was a ghost right in front of her.

“Hello,” the older one says. “I’m Mirabelle Silver, and this is my sister Milly.”

She looks at me, expectant. I stare back dumbly. There is no way she could be talking to me. Because for her to be talking to me meant she knows I’m here, that she can see me. No. . . . humans that can see ghosts are very rare. How can I come upon one just now?

There must be somebody behind me, I think. Slowly, I look over my shoulder. Nothing except for grass, dirt, and part of the candle circle.

The girl laughs. “Yes, I’m talking to you, spirit with no name.”

Once again, I say nothing, and she keeps staring and staring. I glance over at her companion, Milly, and see that she keeps glancing from her sister to the candle circle.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I turn on my heel, and start walking towards the ring of candles. But I can’t go across them. When I lift my arm over the candles, I can feel a strange, buzzing sensation. I can’t get my arm over this weird barrier, so I try stepping over it, but it’s like kicking a stupid wall.

Frustrated, I turn back to the girl, Mirabelle, about to go off when she cuts me off.

“You can’t leave.”

I look up at Mirabelle. Her head is cocked to the side and she is looking at me like I am some lab rat.

“Let me go,” I say harshly. I close my eyes, ready to show these girls what I can do, but when she speaks, it makes me pause.

“No,” she says. “You haven’t even told me your name.” There’s something in her voice that puzzles me. She insists on knowing my name, but she seems questioning, but not at all pushing, like she knows something.

“If I give you my name, will you let me go?”

“No.”

“Then you must not want to know my name.”

She laughs again. “Let me explain. I can see ghosts, I can call them, and I can send them to a different world. You could call me a mediator, but that’s really not an appropriate title. My sister here can’t see ghosts, as you probably noticed, but she insisted on tagging along.”

At the sound of her name, Milly glances at Mirabelle before looking out over the field of grass. She reminds me of a lookout, and I wonder if she is here really just to tag along.

“Milly is a witch,” Mirabelle explains, answering my thoughts. “And she casted this circle to catch ghosts. We do it every now and then. A little thing we like to call ghost fishing. Just shine the light, and ghosts will come. Like moths to a porch light.”

My head shoots up. The light. The stupid light. I want to slap myself. It was like the light at the end of the tunnel when you die. Still being on earth, when I reached it, I clearly didn’t get sent to Heaven or wherever it is ghosts go. I wanted to go to it because I thought maybe this wandering would end… only to be capture by a couple of kids, nonetheless.

“Why do you want me here?” I ask.

“Because, Leah, you weren’t-”

“How do you know my name?” I cut in. “You were asking for it just a few minutes ago.”

The corner of her mouth slides up into a sly grin. “I researched you. I know how you died, who did it, the trials, all the legal stuff, and what happened to David afterwards.”

Instead of trembling and crying, I take a defensive stance, folding my arms across my ribs. “So what? You do not know what really happened.”

“You’re right.” She sighs dramatically. “I don’t know what really happened. But what I do know is that you weren’t supposed to die – David killed the wrong person because he was under the influence. My sister and I are going to try to bring you back. The live breathing you, as good as new.

I don’t believe her. She is probably someone like those kids who get a thrill by “ghost hunting” and then teasing the poor soul, in this case mine, to see if anything will happen. Like seeing what kind of power a spirit can unleash. Oh, if these two girls want to see my power, I’ll show them what I can do.

Plus, how can you kill the wrong person? There’s just no way.

Still, I can’t help but feel a bit hopeful. I wasn’t supposed to die. I know David meant to kill me, and coming back could mean I could definitely get my revenge in. Coming back to life… It held so many promises. So many lovely promises, but most of all, not being so alone. It is almost too good to be true.

“How?” I ask, unsure of how this works.

“It’s very difficult and dangerous. Long story short, it’s what we call a Replacement ceremony where we take another girl, and I cast her soul out of her body, and replace it with your soul. Or, if you want, we can do it with a guy, but I’m sure you don’t want to live your second life in a guy’s body. Very tempting, is it not, hmmm?” she asks.

Very tempting indeed, I agree in my head.

Only one thought was going through my head:

What do I have to lose?

Hey,

To say you were rusty this wasn't a bad attempt. Your first line is a major hook so I applaud you for that, but after that, I am not to sure. I will break this down on what I think, so I apologise now for anything I might say, but it will not all be bad so don't worry.

I stand by the window, watching the girl get murdered.

That is a very good first line. I was quite taken a back by it and it made me want to read on.

She pleads and begs for him to stop, but he doesn’t listen, just digs his knife deeper into her skin.

Digs his knife deeper into her skin doesn't sound right so I would change it to something like digs his knife deeper into her, but other than than it was quite a good line.

There’s no way I can help her, not when I’m dead, just like she will be soon.

Another whoa line so well done. I was loving it here. The only falter would be the last part of the sentence. Just like she will be soon just gives it a depressing meaner when it would be so much more powerful if you put something like probably be dead soon.

Maybe she’ll be like me, trapped on earth, wandering alone. Sometimes if I’m lucky I’ll run into another lost soul, but it’s rare. Just the thought it makes me yearn to help her, but I can’t.

There was nothing special about this, but there was nothing particularly horrible about it, so you might want to give it more impact. A very good first paragraph over all.

The gory mess on the bed becomes too much, and I have to turn away. It’s not just the blood I can’t stand; it’s the guilt and the helplessness I feel.

Saying Gory mess is fine but you could have put so much description thee instead. Write about her entrails strewn across the bed. Make it so gross and horrible so when it says I had to turn away it has so much more impact and the impact follows through until the end of that part.

I hear her scream, and then her scream is roughly cut off. I take a quick peek to see that he’s gagged her with a piece of cloth, not bothering to kill her just yet. Suddenly, I have to get out of there. It reminds me too much of my own dark memories… things I wish I could forget.

This was a tombstone of the paragraph. Fine the scream was roughly cut off, but why would you look? wouldn't you just presume she was dead all together. gagged her with a piece of cloth not bothering to kill her yet feels so weak and pointless, the same goes for suddenly, I have to get out of there. It feels like you just needed to fill space so you wrote anything. The last line was fine and lets a little bit of the ghosts past into the picture which is quite good, but the main bulk of this was just wrong in my opinion.

I close my eyes and count to ten, trying to breathe deeply. When I open them again, I’m in a field full of wild grass that reaches my stomach. It is pitch black, but that doesn’t bother me anymore, not since I was murdered. The dark is the only thing that surrounds me.

A fine paragraph but nothing special. I don't get why you have gone to this field. Is there something special that has happened here? Was this where you were murdered? Just things you may need to clarify, if not here, on the next chapter. But a fine paragraph overall.

Far off in the distance, I see a light, something that resembles a star. I’ve seen it before, I know it, but it’s been so long. Before I know it, my legs are moving, and I’m walking forward, towards the light. It seems like the light is very far away, at least a couple hours journey, but the more I walk, the brighter the light gets.

I was presuming the light at the end of the tunnel type thing. The walking thing was strange but fine. No major problems with this paragraph.

In a couple minutes, the light is only a few yards away. I get a weird feeling, like I shouldn’t be here. I try to back away, but I find myself being pulled forward by some mysterious force, like a magnet pulling me forward.

This again has nothing particularly special about it. You have kind of just plummeted from your good opening and now it is just weak if I am being honest. I think this should be one paragraph with the one before as there is nothing that is that different between them and it will flow on nicely.

I’m enveloped in the light, and it’s so bright I flinch, which is stupid because I’m a ghost and nothing can hurt me. Still, being so used to the darkness, the light blinds me until it fades completely. It doesn’t take me very long until my eyes readjust.

YOU HAVE SAID THAT YOU SHOULDN'T FLINCH SO WHY ON EARTH HAVE YOU! That part really annoyed me. You have said that you shouldn't so why have you put it. It does nothing for the reader really and is just a waste. I didn't like this paragraph at all. It was very weak in comparison. I'm enveloped in the light was fine, but then you should right about senses then. Don't flinch. the last line was fine but nothing special.

The first thing I notice is the circle of white candles around me. The second thing I notice are the two people standing outside the circle right in front of me. The candles give everything, including the grass, a hearty glow. We are in a small circular area made up of dirt. The tall grass surrounds the dirt circle.

Would the first thing you notice be candles? really? I don't think so. I would be like what the hell are you two. I liked your description in this paragraph, a hearty glow was a very pleasant description so well done for that. This picked up a lot from the last paragraph which gave me a little optimism.

I look up at the two girls. One looks to be about my age, and the other a little younger. The older one has pin straight light brown hair, and the younger one has dark brown hair, almost black that hangs in frizzy curls. They have the same nose and lips, so I automatically assume that they are sisters. The older one stares straight at me and the younger one is looking around, like she is unaware that there was a ghost right in front of her… which is how most normal people would act

what is Pin straight light brown hair. That feels very wordy and a bit to much description. I think it is the word pin, maybe replace it with something like dead straight and then there is a little humour involved as well, which would work well here I think. The descriptions were fine other than "the same nose and lips" why don't you describe them a little bit. Are they pig noses? Beaks? a little description here could go a long way. Then the bit after that was fine but nothing special. You have lost a lot of impact around here which needs to be reinforced. You need to re-read your start and gather all the emotions and things from there and put some more of it in the rest of the piece as it seems rather flat at this point.

“Hello,” the older one says. “I’m Mirabelle Silver, and this is my sister Milly.”

She looks at me, expectant. I stare back dumbly. There is no way she could be talking to me. Because for her to be talking to me meant she knew I am here, that she can see me. No… humans that can see ghosts are very rare. How can I come upon one just now?

There must be somebody behind me, I think. Slowly, I look over my shoulder. Damn. Nothing.

The girl laughs. “Yes, I’m talking to you, spirit with no name.”

The first bit was fine. I think you are meant to put thoughts in italics as it gets confusing, honestly. So just go through and try it and see if it makes for an easier read. where you put No . . . humans. I thought it was very clever to elliptical writing but I had to re-read a few times before it sinks in as there is not that much of a gap so try and put a space between each dot and give it more length at the gap would become more easier. There must be somebody line was what I was expecting but it fell flat. Damn.Nothing, put something completely different in that place as it does nothing for the piece where as a simple word change could pack so much more emotion.

Once again, I say nothing, and she keeps staring and staring, it's starting to creep me out. I glance over at her companion, Milly, and see that she keeps glancing from her sister to the candle circle.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I turn on my heel, and start walking towards the ring of candles. But I can’t go across them. When I lift my arm over the candles, I can feel the heat of the candle. Wait, no, ghosts can’t feel… it is more like I can feel a power, a wall that is holding me in. I try to step over the candles, but it is like kicking a stupid wall.

My main issue is wait,no, ghosts can't feel heat. It is the same as the flinching bit before. I don't think you should write it. Just put the candles gave over some sort of power. It works so much better and adds mystery to the piece where as this just annoys me.

Frustrated, I turn back to the girl, Mirabelle, about to go off when she cuts me off.

“You can’t leave.”

I looked up at Mirabelle. Her head is cocked to the side and she is looking at me like I am some lab rat.

“Let me go,” I say harshly.

“No,” she says. “You haven’t even told me your name.”

“If I give you my name, will you let me go?”

“No.”

“Then you must not want to know my name.”

Nothing horrible about this, but nothing great. Try to add maybe a bit more emotion or description. Heck describe what her voice is like, high? rough? anything to give it a bit more depth.

She laughs again. “Let me explain. I can see ghosts, I can call them, and I can send them to a different world. You could call me a mediator, but that’s really not an appropriate title. My sister here can’t see ghosts, as you probably noticed, but she insisted on tagging along.”

At the sound of her name, Milly glances at Mirabelle before looking out over the field of grass. She reminds me of a lookout, and I wonder if she is here really just to tag along.

“Milly is a witch,” Mirabelle explains, answering my thoughts. “And she casted this circle to catch ghosts. We do it every now and then. A little thing we like to call ghost fishing. Just shine the light, and ghosts will come. Like moths to a porch light.”

My head shoots up. The light. The stupid light. I want to slap myself. It was like the light at the end of the tunnel when you die. Still being on earth, when I reached it, I clearly didn’t get sent to Heaven or wherever it is ghosts go. I wanted to go to it because I thought maybe this wandering would end… only to be capture by a couple of kids, nonetheless.

Perfectly fine. Milly is a witch, from that point to the end of the part I have quoted I felt like a pick me up, like this was going somewhere. The elliptical on the last line does not work though so I would change it for some sort of punctuation.

Why do you want me here?” I ask.

“Because, Leah, you weren’t-”

“How do you know my name?” I cut in. “You were asking for it just a few minutes ago.”

The corner of her mouth slides up into a sly grin. “I researched you. I know how you died, who did it, the trials, all the legal - and illegal - stuff, and what happened to David afterward.”

Instead of trembling and crying, I take a defensive stance, folding my arms across my ribs. “Why were you pretending to not know my name?"

"Just trying to make conversation," she says. "Trying to see how willing you are. You must have been really willing for David."

I clench my fists. "So what? You don't know what really happened."

I was engrossed again. I liked this par, it had a good pace. I got insight into both characters. Well done, a very good high point.

“You’re right.” She sighs dramatically. “I don’t know what really happened. But what I do know is that you weren’t supposed to die – David killed the wrong person because he was under the influence. My sister and I are going to try to bring you back. The live breathing you, as good as new.

You give off the impression the Leah has been dead for quite some while so the thought of her coming back to life just feels odd. A little more detail is needed here as my first thought was wouldn't her body just be a skeleton by now.

I don’t believe her. She is probably someone like those kids who get a thrill by “ghost hunting” and then teasing the poor soul, in this case mine, to see if anything will happen. Like seeing what kind of power a spirit can unleash. Oh, if these two girls want to see my power, I’ll show them what I can do.

Plus, how can you kill the wrong person? There’s just no way.

Good, very good. One point though and it is just saying something I have said before about thoughts. Italics I would recommend for this piece.

Still, I can’t help but feel a bit hopeful. I wasn’t supposed to die. I know David meant to kill me, and coming back could mean I could definitely get my revenge in. Coming back to life… It held so many promises. So many lovely promises, but most of all, not being so alone. It is almost too good to be true.

Only one thought was going through my head:

What do I have to lose?

You have a bring on the next chapter ending so well done, this is fine but a bit more emotion could go a long way.

Overall

I realise that my review may seem really harsh, but this piece has so much potential I think it needs to be said. I think you were quite original in a sense, I have never read anything exactly the same so bravo. I would give this piece as it stands a six out of ten but it could be a eight or nine, maybe even a ten.

If you make the edits let me know and I will review again for you. PM me for anything and I will happily. Well done, keep up the good work.

~Retro Disco666

Oh, trust me, you were not harsh. I knew this had a ton of bad things about it, since it's been pretty much forever since I've wrote something.

Thanks so much for the review, retrodisco666!

Okay, here as promised! Those cupcakes made me drool. xD

Things that sounded awkwardish/needed to be corrected in red!
Epic stuff in purple!
My own comments in bold!

GoldenSkies wrote:

~ ~ ~

I stand by the window, watching the girl get murdered. She pleads and begs for him to stop, but he doesn’t listen, just digs his knife deeper into her skin. There’s no way I can help her, not when I’m dead, just like she probably will be. Maybe she’ll be like me, trapped on earth, wandering alone. Maybe she’ll move on onto another life, something like Heaven. The thought of her moving on sends a shot of anger and jealousy through me.

Her cut up, bloody is unidentifiable now and becomes too much This doesn't really make sense...I'm trying to figure out if you mean, "Her cut up, bloody body is unidentifiable..." or something else. Is there any way to revise that? xD, and I have to turn away. It’s not just the blood I can’t stand; it’s the guilt and the helplessness I feel. I hear her scream, and then her scream is roughly cut off by a wet, cracking sound. Suddenly, I’m panicking inside I have to get out. It reminds me too much of my own dark memories… things I wish I could forget.

I close my eyes and count to ten, trying to breathe deeply. When I open them again, I’m in a field full of wild grass that reaches my stomach. It is pitch black, but that doesn’t bother me anymore, not since I was murdered. The dark is the only thing that surrounds me. Wait...if she's in a field of wild grass that reaches to her stomach, then doesn't that mean she's surrounded by more than darkness? Sorry, just couldn't resist pointing that out. xD

I’m not sure why I came to this meadow, of all places. I’ve never even seen it before. No matter what, it brings floods of memories: of happier ties Here I'm hoping that you meant 'times' . They become a blur of somebody laughing, a sweet sound, a gentle touch, a summer kiss, crying.

Far off in the distance, I see a light, something that resembles a star. I’ve seen it before, I know it, but it’s been so long. Before I know it, my legs are moving, and I’m walking forward, towards the light. It seems like the light is very far away, at least a couple hours journey, but the more I walk, the brighter the light gets.

In a couple minutes, the light is only a few yards away. I get a weird feeling, like I shouldn’t be here, the feeling that something bad is going to happen, like in movies. I try to back away, but I find myself being pulled forward by some mysterious force, like a magnet pulling me forward I didn't really like this repitition of the 'pulling forwards' thing here. Other than this, I really liked this paragraph.. I feel trapped, like a bird in a cage, and I struggle to get away, only to be gripped tighter and yanked forwards.

I’m enveloped in the light. It turns from the kind of light a lamp light would produce, to a bright fluorescence light, and then fades completely. It happens so fast, I’m left dumbfounded and startled. I really liked this paragraph, for whatever reason my brain decided it was great. xD I would, however, add some epictastic words like, "transforms" instead of "turns"...or maybe not. I can't say how cheesy that sounds till it's in writing. xD

The first thing I notice are two people standing not too far away, I’d guess about three or four yards. The second thing I notice is that between us is a circle of white candles. The candles give everything, including the grass, a hearty glow. We are in a dirt circle in middle of the field of grass.

I look up at the two girls. One looks to be about my age, and the other a little younger. The older one has dead straight light brown hair, and the younger one has dark brown hair, almost black that hangs in frizzy curls. They both have full lips and thin, freckled noses, so I automatically assume that they are sisters. The older one stares straight at me and the younger one is looking around nervously, shifting her wait from one foot to the other, like she is unaware that there was a ghost right in front of her.

“Hello,” the older one says. “I’m Mirabelle Silver, and this is my sister, Milly.”

She looks at me, expectant. I stare back dumbly. There is no way she could be talking to me. Because for her to be talking to me meant she knows I’m here, that she can see me. No. . . . humans that can see ghosts are very rare. How can I come upon one just now?

There must be somebody behind me, I think. Slowly, I look over my shoulder. Nothing except for grass, dirt, and part of the candle circle.

The girl laughs. “Yes, I’m talking to you, spirit with no name.”

Once again, I say nothing, and she keeps staring and staring. I glance over at her companion, Milly, and see that she keeps glancing from her sister to the candle circle.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I turn on my heel, and start walking towards the ring of candles. But I can’t go across them. When I lift my arm over the candles, I can feel a strange, buzzing sensation. I can’t get my arm over this weird barrier, so I try stepping over it, but it’s like kicking a stupid wall. D'awwe! Poor ghost! I likie.

Frustrated, I turn back to the girl, Mirabelle, about to go off when she cuts me off. The double use of 'off' is sort of...unattractive here. Rephrase this so that it's a hot sentence, like some of the other ones.

“You can’t leave.”

I look up at Mirabelle. Her head is cocked to the side and she is looking at me like I am It could be just me, but I think that this might sound better as 'I'm'. some lab rat.

“Let me go,” I say harshly. I close my eyes, ready to show these girls what I can do, but when she speaks, it makes me pause.

“No,” she says. “You haven’t even told me your name.” There’s something in her voice that puzzles me. She insists on knowing my name, but she seems questioning, but not at all pushing, like she knows something.

“If I give you my name, will you let me go?”

“No.”

“Then you must not want to know my name.”

She laughs again. “Let me explain. I can see ghosts, I can call them, and I can send them to a different world. You could call me a mediator, but that’s really not an appropriate title. My sister here can’t see ghosts, as you probably noticed, but she insisted on tagging along.”

At the sound of her name She didn't say her name! =O I know what you mean though. xD, Milly glances at Mirabelle before looking out over the field of grass. She reminds me of a lookout, and I wonder if she is here really just to tag along.

“Milly is a witch,” Mirabelle explains, answering my thoughts. “And she casted this circle to catch ghosts. We do it every now and then. A little thing we like to call ghost fishing. Just shine the light, and ghosts will come. Like moths to a porch light.”

My head shoots up. The light. The stupid light. I want to slap myself. It was like the light at the end of the tunnel when you die. Still being on earth, when I reached it, I clearly didn’t get sent to Heaven or wherever it is ghosts go. I wanted to go to it because I thought maybe this wandering would end… only to be capture by a couple of kids, nonetheless.

“Why do you want me here?” I ask.

“Because, Leah, you weren’t-”

“How do you know my name?” I cut in. “You were asking for it just a few minutes ago.”

The corner of her mouth slides up into a sly grin. “I researched you. I know how you died, who did it, the trials, all the legal stuff, and what happened to David afterwards.”

Instead of trembling and crying, I take a defensive stance, folding my arms across my ribs. “So what? You do not know what really happened.” Hmm...Unless she was snapping, it would be more realistic if she said, "don't", but if she WAS snapping, maybe add something like, "I snap" to the end of this. xD

“You’re right.” She sighs dramatically. “I don’t know what really happened. But what I do know is that you weren’t supposed to die – David killed the wrong person because he was under the influence. My sister and I are going to try to bring you back. The live, breathing you, as good as new."

I don’t believe her. She is probably someone like those kids who get a thrill by “ghost hunting” and then teasing the poor soul, in this case mine Loved that little bit. It sort of made me smile., to see if anything will happen. Like seeing what kind of power a spirit can unleash. Oh, if these two girls want to see my power, I’ll show them what I can do.

Plus, how can you kill the wrong person? There’s just no way.

Still, I can’t help but feel a bit hopeful. I wasn’t supposed to die. I know David meant to kill me, and coming back could mean I could definitely get my revenge in. Coming back to life… It held so many promises. So many lovely promises, but most of all, not being so alone. It is almost too good to be true.

“How?” I ask, unsure of how this works.

“It’s very difficult and dangerous. Long story short, it’s what we call a Replacement ceremony where we take another girl, and I cast her soul out of her body, and replace it with your soul. Or, if you want, we can do it with a guy, but I’m sure you don’t want to live your second life in a guy’s body. Very tempting, is it not, hmmm?” she asks. Muuurder! D8 Anyways....*coughs* on with the story!

Very tempting indeed, I agree in my head.

Only one thought was going through my head:

What do I have to lose?

~ ~ ~

Alrighty then!

This was...really interesting to read. I was pretty hooked from the start. Before the sentence that said she was a ghost, and the whole...she wasn't absolutely flipping about seeing a girl get murdered make me think, "Wow...cold much?"
Anyways.

This was well written, with a few punctuation errors here and there and that sort of thing, but other than that, it was great. There are a few things I would change, as I've pointed out, but you've got a pretty good foundation going here. I couldn't find any tense-slips, so I'm hoping I didn't just miss them if they exist. xD

I want to know what happens next, so I'm begging you to beg me to review the second chapter when it's up!

Hope this helped and peace out!

Wow...gives me a chilled feeling. I like your style of writing. But the first paragraphs made me want to stop reading becuase generally, I don't like to read grueling stuff. But then I forced my self to read more and it got better! *claps* It got me intrigued in this whole "ghost" thing. I liked it. Very cool "spooky" affect.

More description of the characters. I had a vague picture of the two girls, but you never mentioned how old they looked like, only that one was younger than the other. If Milly was 5, and Mirabelle was 10, that would make the story a whole different story. Just give me a vague understanding of their age. You say Mirabelle's about "her" age, but how old is "she"?

My favorite line:

Frustrated, I turn back to the girl, Mirabelle, about to go off when she cuts me off.

“You can’t leave.”

I look up at Mirabelle. Her head is cocked to the side and she is looking at me like I am some lab rat.

I knew something was up and that there was something creepy about this girl when I read this.

Anyways, post in my WRFF thread when you write more of this! Try to keep the violence out of this. After all, I'm only 12.